Conference vmszoo::flying

  To get some activity in this conference, this has been making its way
  around the net lately.  Obviously, some people don't appreciate the
  union's demands...

  [forwards deleted, author unknown]

  Even though Clinton has averted the American Airlines strike for a while,
  there is still time for us to show the world just how can we help them.
                        ---- ---- ---- ----
  It's just not right.  Thousands of pilots in our very own country are
  living at or just below the six figure salary line.  And if that wasn't
  bad enough, many of them may go several weeks or months without a
  paycheck if they are forced by American Airlines management to strike.

  But now you can help.  For about three hundred dollars a day ~ that's
  less than the price of a 25" television set ~ you can help keep a pilot
  economically viable during their time of need.

  Three hundred dollars a day may not seem like a lot of money to you,
  but to a pilot, it could mean the difference between a vacation fishing
  in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise.

  For you, three hundred dollars is nothing more than half a month's rent
  or mortgage payment.  But to a pilot, three hundred dollars a day will
  almost replace his or her salary.

  Three hundred dollars a day will enable a pilot to upgrade his or her
  home computer, buy that new 100" television set, trade in the 6 month
  old Lexus for a Ferrari, or enjoy a dinner (with champagne) at The
  Mansion.

  "HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?"

  Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the crew
  member you sponsor.  Detailed information about his or her stocks,
  bonds,  401K and real-estate holdings will be mailed to your home.  You
  will be able to watch your pilot's net worth grow.  You'll also get
  information on how they chose to invest their 1.2 million dollar
  lump sum they get upon their retirement.

  "HOW WILL THEY KNOW I'M HELPING?"

  Your pilot will be told that he or she has a SPECIAL FRIEND that just
  wants to help. Although the pilot won't know your name, he or
  she will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special
  operator in case they need more funds.

        --------------------( cut here )-------------------------

 I want to help!!  In the event of a strike by the APA, I would like to
 sponsor the crew member listed below.  I would like to sponsor (circle
 your selection/s):

 ___CAPTAIN                        ___F-100 CREW MEMBER
 ___AN ENTIRE FLIGHT CREW          ___A300 CREW MEMBER
 ___FIRST OFFICER                  ___SUPER-80 CREW MEMBER
 ___NAVIGATOR                      ___727 CREW MEMBER
 ___767 CREW MEMBER                ___MD-11 CREW MEMBER

 ___Please apply my donation to the crew member most in need.

 Please charge the account listed below $326.25 per day (or  $350.29 for
 MD-11 crew members) for the duration of the strike.  Please send me a
 picture of the crew member I have sponsored, along with a set of "wings"
 and my very own "new" red S.C.O.P.E. badge (while supplies last)

 <  Mastercard >  <  Visa >  <  American Express  >  <  Diner's Club >
 <  AAsset Card >  <  Discover Card >
 Your name: ---------------------------    Telephone Number: --------
 Account Number:_______________________    Expiration Date:  ____
 Signature:______________________________________

        Send Completed Forms to the APA. Or, Enroll By Phone:
 (900)555-3188 (Children under 18 must seek their parents approval)

    One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are 
    seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under
    way.  The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane,
    and begin  walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle.  Both
    appear to be  blind.  The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into
    passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the
    copilot is using a guide  dog.  Both have their eyes covered with huge
    sunglasses.  At first the  passengers do not react; thinking that it
    must be some sort of practical  joke.  However, after a few minutes the
    engines start revving and the  airplane starts moving down the runway.
    The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering
    among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for 
    reassurance.  Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people 
    begin panicking.  Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets 
    closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming
    more  and more hysterical.  Finally, when the airplane has less than 20
    feet of  runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the
    shouts as  everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the
    airplane lifts  off and is airborne.  Up in the cockpit, the copilot
    breathes a sigh of  relief and turns to the pilot: "You know, one of
    these days the passengers  aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get
    killed!"
    

    coulda sworn that was going to end up with the...
    
    The-autopilot-flies-the-plane.  The-dog's-job-is-to-bite-the-pilot-
    if-he-touches-any-controls.  The-pilot's-job-is-to-feed-the-dog.
               
    punchline.

From:	US2RMC::"[email protected]" "MAIL-11 Daemon" 15-APR-1997 16:46:49.13

He's another one hot off the wire.  Somehow I think this story might have
originally been dated April 1, but you never know...  THis is from AVweb. 

According to Reuters, the dazed crew of a Japanese trawler was plucked
out of the Sea of Japan earlier this year clinging to the wreckage of
their sunken ship.  Their rescue was followed by immediate imprisonment
once authorities questioned the sailors on their ship's loss.  To a man
they claimed that a cow, falling out of a clear blue sky, had struck the
trawler amidships, shattering its hull and sinking the vessel within
minutes.  They remained in prison for several weeks, until the Russian
Air Force reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one
of its cargo planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of
a Siberian airfield, forced the cow into the plane's hold and hastily
taken off for home.  Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew was
ill-equipped to manage a frightened cow rampaging within the hold.  To
save the aircraft and themselves, they shoved the animal out of the
cargo hold as they crossed the Sea of Japan at an altitude of 30,000
feet.

>
>He's another one hot off the wire.  Somehow I think this story might have
>originally been dated April 1, but you never know...  THis is from AVweb.
>
>According to Reuters, the dazed crew of a Japanese trawler was plucked
>out of the Sea of Japan earlier this year clinging to the wreckage of
>their sunken ship.  Their rescue was followed by immediate imprisonment
>once authorities questioned the sailors on their ship's loss.  To a man
>they claimed that a cow, falling out of a clear blue sky, had struck the
>trawler amidships, shattering its hull and sinking the vessel within
>minutes.  They remained in prison for several weeks, until the Russian
>Air Force reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one
>of its cargo planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of
>a Siberian airfield, forced the cow into the plane's hold and hastily
>taken off for home.  Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew was
>ill-equipped to manage a frightened cow rampaging within the hold.  To
>save the aircraft and themselves, they shoved the animal out of the
>cargo hold as they crossed the Sea of Japan at an altitude of 30,000
>feet.

Stolen from the humor conference (note 70.42)...

                                 -< "Squawks" >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force
pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem
listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.


Problem:  "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem:  "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1:  "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2:  "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem:    "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem:  "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem:  "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem:  "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem:  "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem:  "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem:  "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem:  "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem:  "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

     
 ACTUAL LAWS FROM A VARIETY OF PLACES IN THE UNITED STATES
 
 Excerpts from Private Pilot, November 1987
    
 It is against the law for a pilot to tickle a female flying student
under her chin with a feather duster in order to get her attention.
--Columbia, PA
 
 It is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds and attired in shorts to
 pilotor ride in an airplane.  --Pocataligo, GA
 
 Lingerie can't be hung on a clothesline at the airport unless the undies
 arecarefully hidden from prying eyes by a "suitable screen". 
--Kidderville, NH
 
 No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this state
 unlessshe is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed with a
club.  The provisions of this statue shall not apply to females weighing less
than 90pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to female horses.
 --Kentucky
 
 It is a violation of local law for any pilot or passenger to carry an
icecream cone in their pocket while either flying or waiting to board a plane.
 --Lowes Crossroads, Delaware
 
 Pilots and passengers are prohibited from eating onions between the
hours of 7 A.M. and 7 P.M.  --Bluff, Utah
 
 Citizens are not allowed to enter an airplane within four hours of
eating garlic.  --Wakefield, RI
 
 No female wearing a nightgown can be taken for a flight on a private plane.
 --Headland, AL
 
 It is against the law to eat ice cream in the local airport with a fork.
 --Bicknell, IN
 
 No married man can go flying on Sunday.  --Burdoville, VT
 
 No married man can go flying without his spouse along at any time,
unless he has been married for more than 12 months.  --West Union, OH
 
 No one can play cards on the airport grounds with a woman, a child, or
an Indian.  --White Horse, NM
 
 No one -- man, woman, or child -- can be seen flying while barefoot.
 --Fairplay, CO
 
 Don't let your horse fall asleep in the airport.  --Peewee, West Virginia
 
 Women who are single, widowed, or divorced are banned from parachuting
on Sunday.  --Crawford, Nebraska
 
 No turtle races shall be held at the airport. --Bourbon, Mississippi
 
 People cannot play checkers at the airport, "lest they acquire a taste
 for gambling."  --Clearbrook, Minnesota
 
 Citizens cannot carry a slingshot on an airplane without special
 permission. --Okanogan, WA
 
 No pilot can eat unshelled roasted peanuts or watermelon while flying.
 --Leadwood, Missouri
 
 No person is allowed to read the Sunday paper while sitting in a chair
at the airport while church services are going on.  --Upperville, VA
 
 No flyer may wear a pair of pants with hip pockets while flying.  --Guyman, OK
 
 Gargling is prohibited while flying.  --Hackberry, Arizona
 
 Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited. --Halstead, Kansas
 
 It is against the law to sneeze in an airplane.  --Lynch Heights, Delaware
 
 No flying instructor "can place his arm around a woman without a good
and lawful reason" (while flying).  --Rock Springs, WY
 
 Juggling in front of an airplane is illegal.  --Wellsboro, PA
 
 Roosters may crow, only if it is done at least 300 feet from the
airport. --Stugis, Michigan