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Conference moira::parenting_v3

Title:	Parenting
Notice:	READ 1.27 BEFORE WRITING
Moderator:	CSC32::DUBOIS

Created:	Wed May 30 1990
Last Modified:	Tue May 27 1997
Last Successful Update:	Fri Jun 06 1997
Number of topics:	1364
Total number of notes:	23848

807.0. "Frightened of shadows?" by PEACHS::MITCHAM (Andy in Alpharetta (near Atlanta)) Tue Apr 02 1991 07:25

  I would like to solicit the advice of others as to how to handle the 
  following situation:

  My (almost) 19-month old son, Brendon, is fast becoming aware of his 
  immediate environment -- so much now that it appears he has become 
  frightened of shadows at night.

  It began last Saturday evening.  While Brendon was eating dinner he 
  burst out crying and wanting to be held.  He would not eat, he would 
  not calm down until picked up and held.  He kept looking to the front 
  of the house -- at one of the large windows above the entry foyer of 
  the house.  

  We first thought he saw something in particular (a light, a bat, the 
  moon, anything) and later thought it may be streaks in the window from 
  when the wife cleaned it he other week.  But his fear does not appear 
  to be confined to the window in question.  For example, I have seen 
  him react similarly to the shadows from the paddles of the cealing fan 
  as they rotate around the cealing.

  We have seen this behavior every evening since Saturday -- when eating 
  (he ate hardly a thing last evening but our babysitter took him to her 
  house next door and I am told he ate better there), when playing, even 
  after being bathed (there is a skylight in the bathroom and while I was 
  drying/dressing him he noticed the skylight and began pointing and 
  crying).

  He does not appear to have any problem with the dark at all.  He can 
  be left in his room with no light and we hear nary a word.  He sleeps 
  through the night with no apparent frightening dreams, etc.

  I do not want to discount his fears for, to him, they are very real.  
  However, I want him to know these are only shadows and not something to 
  be feared.  Considering he is 19-months old, communicating this (as well 
  as his communicating his fear) is not the easiest thing to do.  I feel 
  so badly for him when this happens.  I only wish I knew exactly how to 
  handle the situation.

  If anyone has any insight on how to alleviate his (I suspect) fear of
  shadows please let me know.

  thanx,

  -Andy

  ps.  I hope this phase does not last too long...

T.R	Title	User	Personal Name	Date	Lines
807.1	explanations	PHAROS::PATTON		`Tue Apr 02 1991 09:36`	16
	Andy, My son has occasionally been afraid of shadows too, though not as much as yours seems to be. In his case it seemed to help to explain what was causing the shadow (if possible). I used to underestimate the amount he could understand, but found that if I tried in simple language he "got" it enough to be calmed. Maybe it was just having a parent saying things in a confident tone. I'm sure this won't be enough if your little boy is really freaked out, but it's worth a try to see... Good luck, Lucy
807.2		KAOFS::S_BROOK	Ask Not for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for ME!	`Tue Apr 02 1991 11:09`	4
	What about creating some bunny shadows yourself, or if you have a projector, have him create some ? Stuart
807.3		CSC32::D_GUARA		`Tue Apr 02 1991 12:24`	18
	This reminds me of when my daughter Tara 1st saw her shadow. My husband was cooking that evening and I was catching alittle of the evening news. It happened all the sudden, she saw this shadow on the floor and booked over to her dad's leg and grabbed on for dear life. I couldn't help but have alittle laugh once we figured out what happened. Anyways we took the time and showed her we all have shadows and how they move with you.. A few minutes later she was giggling about it and thought it was funny. The next night the situation was reversed and I was cooking dinner and she saw it again (what timing), only this time she starting trying to touch it and every time she would bend down it was gone. It only happened a couple nights but we just explained it and try'd to show her the shadows are not scary. Good Luck and please let us know the outcome deb guara
807.4	Talk it out	TOOK::CURRIER		`Tue Apr 02 1991 13:02`	25
	Children often develop fears - clowns, shadows, various monsters etc. They reside in various places and appear at certain times and do certain things. Only your child can tell you all the details. What you have to do is - work out with your child how to combat the feared thing. Then do it - however off the wall it may seem. I thing this gives the child a sense of control. The fear may be a result of a feeling of lack of control among other things. my daughter was afraid of the bear who occasionally eminated from her closet. He was about 6' tall and very dark. He disappeared whenever we were around. He only bothered her at night. There were many other obscure things re this bear that I no longer remember. He did have relatives that might come along with him on any given evening. She and my husband sat down and worked out a solution. He got a 6' inflatable Godzilla and inflated it and put it in the doorway of her closet. I wasn't there - I don't know how they arrived at this solution - and never asked. The whole thing became a non-issue because Godzilla was her buddy and would get that bear if she told him to. She was in control of the situation. She never really developed a fear of anything else. You've got to talk to your child about it and together work it out.
807.5	YEP, its a phase	ACESMK::GOLIKERI		`Tue Apr 02 1991 13:02`	15
	My daughter, Avanti who will be 22 months in a week,went thru this phase over the last 2 months. She would be scared of the reflections in the window and skylight, of not just people but of the lamps, her toys, etc. The way we solved it (almost) was to make looking at the relfections and waving HI! at them every time she felt scared. When she saw Mommy's and Daddy's reflection waving at her and then she saw herself waving back she felt less scared. The feeling comes back to her occassionally but each time we play the Hi! and Bye! game with the reflections and it works each time. Yep, it is a phase and like others will pass. Shaila
807.6		PEACHS::MITCHAM	Andy in Alpharetta (near Atlanta)	`Wed Apr 03 1991 14:40`	24
	Some information about my home: I have 2 skylights in my living/dining room as well as a skylight in the guest bathroom. I also have large (high) windows above the front entry foyer and stairs leading to the basement/garage. Considering the setup I have to work with, I cannot possibly see myself trying to project a shadow or reflection off any of these. As shadows go, I can certainly try reproducing them in another manner (against a wall, on the floor etc.) but I do not know what effect this will have on his fear of these other, apparently more frightening, places. Still, it is worth a shot. Last evening, I was able to start feeding him before dark. His appetite was better (I attribute this partially to the menu) but he still reacted to the skylight(s), though to a lesser degree. I did talk with him about this. I am not certain what he understood, if anything. I am beginning to wonder if it is shadows after all. It may be a fear of the "windows" themselves, considering they are so high he cannot look out them, especially at night. I dunno, I am grasping at straws... thanx for the responses thus far, -Andy