Conference moira::parenting_v3

    Andrea,
    
    Sounds like you need more information on the current daycare.  Can you
    spend part of a morning there, or at least drop in to see how it feels
    to you?  If you can wait until your STD (and the baby waits until the
    due date), you could do it then, but it sounds like YOU need to do it
    now.  The Christmas party won't really reflect Berk's environment.
    
    I've seen that kids that age (ok, ANY age) can really pick up on our
    anxieties and reflect them back.  It may be that if you were totally
    sure of this place, Berk would be getting those vibes and not resisting
    as much.  But, you're not sure, and there must be a good reason.
    
    I think a parent has to trust her/his instincts! 
    
    It's hard enough to send your child into the world: nursery school,
    daycare, school, grandma's house, anywhere, even when you ARE confident
    about the quality of the environment.  So, check it out and if it's not
    OK, make a change.
    
    Also, don't overlook other things that are going on with you and Berk,
    with a new baby coming.  That's a very complicated and emotional time,
    probably more for you than for him!
    
    Good luck - great times are ahead!

    I think the previous note about changes to Berk's "whole" environment
    had alot of validity.  He's got a new brother/sister coming soon that
    he's probably very aware of, he's in a new home, new country (which
    he's probably too young to realize though), and new daycare.  I'd be
    a little upset too with so much that has changed.  But you said he's a 
    survivor.  He'll tell you things you need to know and he has.  Sounds
    like it's time to take the daycare director aside and have a heart to
    heart.  That's what I did when Andrew transitioned into another room
    and I thought the new care giver would be too easy on poor behavior. 
    We talked privately in an empty room and I stressed that Andrew and the 
    other kids will need disciplining at times and the new caregiver has a
    reputation for being a push over.  I felt better when I left and still
    feel good about things now (4 mos later).
    
    I guess what I'm saying is, you've got nothing to lose by talking with
    them and being straight with them.  Let them know that how they deal
    with the other kids poor behavior also has an affect on your son, not
    just how they interact with Berk.  He's a smart little boy, he knows
    what he hears and sees.  Since he's brought it to your attention, then
    he is affected by poor interaction and disciplining measures that the
    center takes.
    
    BTW, you've described my daycare travels when you said it's twenty
    minutes to daycare from home and another 50+ minutes to work.  We do it
    everyday.  If he's happier at the center that's further, then so will
    you be - regardless of the extra time it takes.
    
      Good luck
    
    Nancy
    

    My experience with my two kids has been that generally it takes at
    least two to three weeks before they settle down enough to tell
    whether there's something wrong with the new place or whether it's
    just the disruption caused by the change.  Steven especially
    doesn't like changes to his routine, and until he got the new
    habit firmly entrenched in his life, he hated going to a new
    place.  
    
    If I were in a similar situation, I'd be very reluctant to put my
    kids through yet another change after so many changes in such a
    short time, with the changes of the new baby coming so soon.  My
    own feeling would be that unless the place seemed to be actively
    damaging -- which it doesn't sound like from your description --
    that the upset of another change would be worse than the
    less-than-ideal care.  But that's for me and my children.  Your
    mileage, as they say, may vary. 
    
    --bonnie

    I found with my kids that almost ANY new environment brought up the
    "I don't want to go!"  especially if the kids there had been together
    for a while (like in a daycare or school).  Your son seems to be going
    through a lot of changes in his life, and will probably try anything to
    stay home with you (feels safer).  It will take time for him to adjust,
    make new friends, and establish himself in the new daycare.  If you
    pull him out now he'll just have to start over somewhere else.
    
    In any case, I would talk with his teacher/daycare now about how he is
    feeling.  They may be able to help him adjust more.  Also, they need to
    know about what is happening at home (new baby coming) because they may
    be able to help him with this - and they'll understand some of his
    behaviour!  My oldest adored the baby, but the reaction in school was
    very strange: he became frightened of everything, and insisted on a lot
    of attention from the teacher.  
    
    By the way, our preschool recommended a book to us "The Listening Ear"
    that was very good. It talks about unravelling some of what your kids
    are trying to say, but cannot really explain to us easily.
    
    Good luck!
    
    Laura

    My son went to a daycare center (lumped with 3-year-olds)
    where two boys in his class were particularly rough, always 
    being sent to the director's office for timeouts. These boys 
    were disruptive and frightened my son and other children, too.
    The teacher was aware of this, but I think my son felt helpless
    against "the brutes." He clung to me or my husband, or the teacher.
    He didn't want to go to school. He had no way to defend himself because 
    he honored the class rules (no hitting, no yelling, etc.) When the teacher 
    approached the parents about getting help for their children's behavioral 
    problems, the parents removed their children from the center. At that 
    point, my son became more comfortable with the center. I guess I'm saying, 
    listen to what your son is trying to say and talk to the daycare
    people. Between the three of you, you can figure out what will be best 
    for your child.

    
    Basenoter again...
    
    Well, I'm following my instincts on this one. Wednesday Berk was
    extremely quiet in the car when I picked him up. When he finally spoke
    I was shattered by what he said. First it was "I'm going to cut off
    your head and put you in the black hole". He said one of the boys said
    this to him. After another mile of silence he chimes up with "if you
    don't stop crying, your mommy won't come back for you". I probed into
    this one and he said one of the directors said it to him. Another mile
    later it was "if you don't stop crying, you'll stay in the baby room"
    (where there are only 2 children and all infant stuff). Again, he said
    the director said this to him. 
    
    Thursday morning when I dropped him off, he was getting anxious while
    hanging up his coat and turned around with tears in his eyes. The
    director immediately said "yea, he cried yesterday and I told him to
    shut up and quit crying". If the director is going to admit that she
    talks to my son that way in front of me, I couldn't discount the
    comments Berk paraphrased the evening before. We went to a new daycare
    center that afternoon to get the preliminary information and I
    enrolled him this morning. 
    
    I'm sure Berk would have adjusted given more time but I cannot leave
    him in an environment where even the director's attitude toward upset
    children is one of indifference and non-empathy. I'm more prepared for
    the emotional upset with this next change but I discussed at length
    yesterday with the director of the new center what was happening and
    she said that they would never leave a child to fend for themselves
    like Berk had had to. In fact, they over-staff so that there can always
    be an extra teacher to handle the "emotional emergencies" that arise
    and they have a "cuddle corner" for that purpose. 
    
    My mind is now at ease. Berk has 2 weeks left at the other daycare (2
    weeks notice required) but with me starting my STD today he was
    switching to 2 days a week anyways. If he gets there over the next 2
    weeks, fine. I'm hoping this baby comes early.
    
    Thanks for all your input Parents!!!!
    Andrea

    Andrea,
    
    Did you let the director/teachers/etc have a piece of your mind?
    What an awful place for a child to be!
    
    Donna
    

re: .6

If you can arrange it, I'd even consider trying to find alternate arrangements 
for the next two weeks.  A place that callous is capable of consciously or 
unconciously making those last two weeks pretty miserable.  IMO, it's worth 
it, even if you have to eat some money.

The one time we changed daycare due to dissatifaction, we changed immediately, 
and found it was worth the peace of mind.

Clay

    Well, they are getting a piece of my mind come Monday morning
    when the other director who I feel I can talk to will be in (not the
    one who made the comments to Berk and myself). Since I'm on STD then
    I will play it by ear to see what their reaction is. Berk told me last
    night that he wanted to go to "that" center (I won't revel it's name
    here because of noting policy) and not the new one. I think it is
    because he is starting to get used to the environment but what he
    doesn't realize is that that environment isn't a good one. 
    
    He won't go back if I feel they will take it out on him. After our talk
    on Monday, they better sense that I will really be "watching" them and
    "reporting" the situation to the proper authorities is a possibility,
    if not a definite reality in my mind (thank you Deb for the
    encouragement).
    
    Again, thanks parents!!!
    Andrea
                                                   

    If you're in Massachusetts, I would also encourage you to consider a
    complaint to the Mass Office of Children. The behavior you described
    from the director sounds really inappropriate for a daycare provider.
    
    best of luck,