Conference moira::parenting_v3

    Wendy,
    
    It took us 17 months to conceive our first, and 9 months for the
    second.  When we were working on #1, both Jay and I had the full
    host of tests that could be done in the doctor's office. I was getting
    ready for the next round (outpatient types of testing) when I got
    pregnant.  I feel very strongly that we had a difficult time with #1
    because of the amount of stress I had in my previous job.  I worked
    55 to 70 hours a week under a lot of continual pressure.  Four months
    after I started to work at DEC, I was pregnant.  
    
    Penny
    

    Wendy,
    
    My husband and I had a long discussion prior to "trying" for number
    one.  We discussed all the issues around having children - ones we
    were aware of and those we didn't discuss, we have learned along the
    way.  I had difficulty with regular periods for 3-4 years and once
    I got on track, we tried for 4 months and were successful.  Our
    daughter will be a year old in 2 weeks and once again, I have become
    irregular.  Not sure what's causing it this time but it may make trying
    for number two a long process.
    
    My thoughts are that conception is not going to happen overnight for
    everyone.  It takes time but if you feel more comfortable about seeing
    a doctor, going thru the tests and such, then it makes sense for your
    own peace of mind.
    
    -Patty

    First pregnancy, which ended in miscarriage, took 6 years.  Our second
    pregnancy (we have a "terrific-two year old) took an additional year.
    
    We did seek infertility counselling at the New England Fertility
    Clinic, but it didn't help.  Our first pregnancy was over a year after
    the testing stopped.
    

    While the "typical" experience may be eight months, the people
    at DEC are not a average cross-section of the American public.
    
    For one thing, they have married later and started to try to have
    families later, which reduces the odds of conception.  I suspect
    that of the 120,000 employees, only a tiny fraction are willing to
    bring up the issue of infertility in PARENTING--but ten noters can
    make a big showing in one conference.
    
    In any case, I don't think that DEC-stress is a source of extra
    infertility.
    				-John Bishop

    Wendy,
    
    I'm not sure what direction you intended this note to take.  I
    entered my response to your "how long..." question but deleted
    it when it seemed inappropriate in terms of the other responses.
    
    Are you trying to find an "average" yourself?  or are you looking
    for accounts of infertility (resolved or unresolved) only?
    
    Just curious,
    Carol

    Carol, and all who have replied and sent me mail,

    	This note should have probably been two separate notes, one being
    infertility at Digital and one being amount of time to conceive. But
    they are sort of related.

    	Let me see if I can explain how this note arose.

    	I recently got married and naturally the topic of children is
    coming up. Marc and I (I admit very naively) assumed that if we wanted
    to have a baby we would get pregnant in X month and have the baby in
    X+9 month. (it seems to work that way for teenage girls, no?)

    	Anyway, in doing "research" on conception, we started hearing about
    this 8 month norm. The we also started hearing about the infertility
    issues (granted John has some very valid points about Digital not being
    a "normal" sample and how a few voices can make a big  impact).

    	Because of my legs I don't want to be my heaviest during the snow
    months (too much risk of falling IMHO). So now we are wondering how you
    actually go about "planning" the time for a baby (maybe that is a
    general contradiction in terms). Do you include the 8 month norm and
    how long do you go before you think that there may be a fertility
    problem (ah see there's the connection.)

    	Or do you just throw scheduling to the wind, light a fire, fix a
    nice dinner and let things go from there?

    		Wendy-who-believes-that-surely-she-is-not-the-only-one
    perplexed-about-all-of-this.
    	

    re: .7
    
    My vote is to throw scheduling to the wind....you need to adopt
    a laid-back attitude to be a parent anyways!!
    
    Michael and I started getting nervous when we became aware that
    several of our "couple friends" were having difficulties starting
    their families (some up to 7 years) coupled with our age (29/31) at
    the time.   So, we decided we should start trying......put it this
    way, it didn't take very long for us to conceive and we now
    occasionally wonder if we rushed into it because of other people's
    situations (of course, we wouldn't trade Jason for all the gold
    in China).   We should have relied more on instinct (regular cycles,
    no endometriosis (sp?), quite a bit of fertility :-) in the family)
    than on fear.
    
    For what its worth, I had always heard an average of 6 months.
    
    Good luck to you and Marc,
    Carol

    In response to the part about how do you know if you have a problem...
    I think for healthy people with no reason to suspect infertility, most
    doctors will let you try for a year before starting infertility
    testing.

    My gosh, I think our lives are overly scheduled now.  How could you
    possibly schedule getting pregnant with any degree of certainty?  I say
    relax and go for it!!
    
    FWIW - !st pregnancy: 3 months trying, (miscarriage)
           2nd    "     : 4   "      "     (twins)
           3rd    "     : 4   "      "     (surprise!)
           4th    "     : 0   "      "     (oooppps!)
    
    Seriously, IMO some amoont of planning is obviously necessay.  But, to
    plan to the extent of attemmpting to be pregnant at a certain time of
    the year is truly hit of miss.
    
    Luck to you!
    

    Wendy, I can relate.
    
    For me, I feel as if my whole life I've been planning, planning,
    planning.  Then, all of a sudden something in your life arises that you
    don't have control over.  
    
    I just turned 32 and my husband is a few years older.  We've been
    married three years this week [goodness, all these milestones!].  Well,
    now I/we are ready for a family.  We haven't been trying for very long,
    and I share all the same concerns.  How long will it take?  Will I/can
    I get pregnant?  Will I/can I carry?  It's frightening, and everybody
    says, "Relax... Don't worry."  OOOOOOkay.  Got any ideas how to relax
    and not worry?  
    
    The questions that I posed in another note about specialists... again,
    that's part of the PLANNER in me...  I dunno whether or not I will need
    to see a specialist [e.g., infertility], but I sure as shootin' want
    to know that I can if I need to!  So I'm trying to do my homework.  I
    am very concerned about the impending medical coverage changes, and
    just hope that I/we make the decision that is best for us.
    
    Well, you ask some very good questions, Wendy.  Keep asking.  I'm
    learning from all the responses!
    
    Rgds,
    marcia
     
    
    

    re: .10
    
    I guess I am the one that always try to schedule our lives.
    And I do that for pregnancy too.  With my first, I want it
    to be born in July or August, so that my mother (who is a
    teacher) can come helping me out.  Eric was born on July 26.
    With my second, I want it to be 2-2.5 years younger than Eric.
    Monica was born 6 weeks ago, on Sept. 23.  She and Eric are
    26 months apart.   You see, for us, everything can be scheduled.
    
    Wendy 

    RE: .11
    
    That's a great question....how do you stop thinking about it?
    There are constant reminders everywhere!  Pregnant women and
    cute little babies all over.
    
    It's been 3 years and still trying for me.  One thing I have 
    learned is....
    
    "Stress is not a cause of infertility....infertility is a cause
     of stress!"  
    
    Don't give up, and good luck...
    
    Deb

    With our first I was off the pill for 4 months before my cycle resumed
    and got pregnant about 8 months after that. We weren't really making
    major attempts to get pregnant and figured it would happen sooner or
    later. The thought of infertility never crossed my mind during that
    time.
    
    With the second, I was off the pill for 1 month, my cycle resume
    immediately and got pregnant the next.
    
    Everyone is different and whether you think you have infertility
    problems is best discussed with your doctor.
    
    Andrea
    

    First -- no trying, but then I was 19. 
    
    Second -- about a year.  I was 29 and in a stressful job; we had
    just decided to go see the doctor about it when we got back from
    vacation.  So on the first day of vacation I wake up and bolt for
    the bathroom, and spend the rest of the vacation in a haze of
    morning sickness, sore breasts, etc.
    
    Three -- exactly once.  As in .7 -- fireplace, champagne, oldest
    child at a sleepover, second asleep upstairs . . . surprise!  And
    I was almost 35 at the time . . .
    
    And I'm pretty sure I've had two very early miscarriages.
    
    My periods have always been irregular, but it doesn't seem to have
    made any difference.  It seems I have more trouble keeping from
    getting pregnant than I do getting pregnant -- it's too bad there
    isn't a way to share it with someone who has trouble.  
    
    --bonnie

I, too, am a "planner".  I definitely did NOT want to be pregnant during
the HOT, summer months!

So, with number one, we started trying in July, I conceived in early Sept.,
and Matt was born at the end of May.  I was 27 at the time.

Two years later we tried again for a month or two in the summer, but I 
decided I wasn't ready for another one yet, so we postponed for a year.

With number two, I wanted an April baby (May was a little too hot for me
when I had Matt). We started trying at the end of June. It only took one
month.  I am due April 16.

My sister, who was 31 at the time, said she and her husband tried for 10
months before they were successful. She's due in November with her first.

    Wendy,
    
    Thanks so much for starting this topic!  My husband and I are
    in our third month of trying to conceive and I've been asking
    myself some of the same questions you're asking.
    
    These replies are so interesting!
    
    Cherie

    Here's my experience.... My hubby and I have been trying for 6 
    months, and still no success.  We've been doing the BBT from 
    day 1, and last month I tried an ovulation kit, and still had 
    no luck.  I am 29 (30 in Dec.), and he is 37.  I thought the
    same way you did, pick a month, and bingo.  Guess it's not 
    that easy.  My doctor doesn't seem to think there's any problem.
    I've never had any problems, and I'm 28 days every cycle.  So,
    we keep hoping each month.
    
    Hope you have better success than we've had so far.
    
    Sue  

    My husband and I had talked about a December baby and I stopped taking
    the pill last January.  We didn't try the first month, did try the second
    month, and BINGO !!
    
    I really didn't expect it to happen quite so fast, since I had heard a
    lot of horror stories about how "it took us YEARS to have our kids"
    after stopping the pill.  Since I was on it for about 10 years, I was
    prepared mentally to have to wait several months, but it just didn't
    happen.  So you can try to "plan" that child - it worked for us (except
    she ended up a January baby, not a December one !).  I guess the only
    way to know is to try.
    
    -Joy
    

    re: .19   Interesting, I thought most doctors recommended waiting 3
    months (i.e. using alternative bc methods) after stopping the pill
    before trying to conceive.   

    re: .20
    
    Nope - mine said that as long as you have 1 normal cycle there
    shouldn't be any problem.  And there wasn't !  She's perfect !
    
    -Joy
    

    We could almost start another note here: "The Pill-- Myth vs. Fact." 
    However, it's hard to separate the myths from the facts.  I've heard
    and read and heard so many conflicting things about the pill-- the
    amount of time you're "supposed" to stay off it before conceiving... I
    finally gave up on trying to separate fact from fiction.  
    
    On this, our 3rd anniversary, all I can say is:  here's to wishful
    thinking, dreams of family, high hopes, and most importantly...
    enjoying being together "Happily Ever After!"
    
    Rgds,
    Mrs. Kip

    The following reply is being entered on behalf of a noter who
    wishes to remain anonymous at this time.
    
    ========================================================================
	Hi

	Both my husband and I are 25.  When we decided to start a family
	we began trying in September and we hit the jackpot, I'm now
	2 months pregnant!

re: .20

>    re: .19   Interesting, I thought most doctors recommended waiting 3
>    months (i.e. using alternative bc methods) after stopping the pill
>    before trying to conceive.   

Do you know why?  Is there some danger to mother or baby in going off the pill 
cold turkey?  Or is it just that your period may be erratic, and concious 
efforts to hit "the right time" will not likely be successful?

Our case is much like an earlier note.  In neither case did we try to 
conceive for more than a month or two.  In fact,  I wouldn't even call it 
"trying to conceive".  Norma just quit taking the pill, and got pregnant with 
no unusual effort on our part. 

Clay

    
    Is it true that there are some women out there who have periods
    during pregnancy??  Anyone know of someone who delivered a 
    normal child but had their monthly period during those nine
    months?
    
    More rumors??
    
    Cherie

    FYI, I knew someone who actually got pregnant while "on" the pill.
    The baby was born just fine.  (she's a pretty responsible person so we
    took her word that she was "actively" taking the pill when she became
    pregnant).
    
     

    
    .25
    
    I didn't know I was pregnant till I was 5 mo.  I had my period that
    long.  Also, I "was" on the pill too!!  I had a beautiful healthy
    7lb. baby boy!! 
    
    
    -Nadine
    

	I too conceived while on the pill.  (We suspect that the high doses 
of ibuprofen that I was taking for my arthritis and for a muscle spasm were 
what caused the failure of the pill.)  Katie is now and incredibly healthy 
and happy 18month old.

Tracey 

The concern with the pill has been that something in the pill which is released
into the pregnant mother's body may damage the growing embryo.  Some doctors
are becoming less concerned about that now.  I do not know anything about
recent studies. 

       Carol

    	And so the verdict is:  that there is no verdict.


    	Thank you all for your responses. This has been very interesting
    reading. I think that a note way back probably put best into words what
    we are going through right now, and that is being scared by the
    accounts of friends and acquintances.

    	I now have a bit more confidence and optimism but I still think
    that we are going to TRY to plan any pregnancy around the snow months.
    
    	It could happen.
    
    				Wendy

    I most assuredly planned our second so that I would not be pregnant
    during the summer.  Luckily for me, I was an easy target in that I
    conceived both of my children in the month tried.  That's why the
    second was easy to plan around the hot weather....
    
    -sandy
    

    I've never really had a 'normal' cycle but it didn't matter that much.
    The first time I got pregnant the second cycle after we decided to
    start 'trying'.  We didn't really think much about time of year or
    anything like that.  Just that we were as ready as we ever would be.
    
    Second time around, we had just started talking about having a second
    and slightly relaxed on the birth control method and wham, two weeks
    I realized I was pregnant.
    
    My sisters are afraid that fertility runs in the family because my
    mother had 6 children in less than eight years, my aunt (her sister) had 
    5 children in 7 years, and my grandmother (their mother) had 7 children 
    in 9 years.  All single births, no twins or triplets.  My sisters have
    doubled up on their birth control methods for a while now, just in
    case. :')
    
    Donna
      

    We had decided to start trying for a family in August. We'd signed
    for a house earlier in the year and took possession in August as well.
    I spent a little time lecturing my husband that conception wasn't a
    sure thing the minute we trash the condoms. HOWEVER, 1st try, 14th day
    of the cycle...bingo. Now my husband is laughing and I DO feel a little
    sheepish about the lecturing.....
    
    Many people told me that I am luck not to have to carry through the
    summer (my Mom did for one, and my mother-in-law for both), however,
    now that the cold weather is coming in, and I am more clumsy than
    usual (at 16 weeks I am just showing a little), I am concerned about
    waddling around in the icy weather -- we live in Ottawa, Canada (today
    its a mild day, it'll only be about 28F....)
    
    Maybe cleats should be on my Xmas list?
    
    Monica 
    

    I wish it were always that easy!
    
    Our timing to make the decision for starting a family is the same as
    yours'.  But we're still "trying!"
    
    Goodness gracious... signing for a new house and everything, didn't it
    make you nervous to be taking all those big steps all at once?
    
    Ok, ok... maybe I just worry too much!
    
    Rgds,
    [and congratulations!]
    marcia

>    Goodness gracious... signing for a new house and everything, didn't it
>    make you nervous to be taking all those big steps all at once?
    

My husband just graduated in June after 4.5 years of Engineering school.  I
worked full time to pay the bills.  He worked contract in summer to pay for
school. 

He got his first engineering job August 1st.

Bought another car in july/aug.

Found out I was pregnant on August 18.

Moving into our first new house November 30.  (A mere 3 weeks prior to Xmas!)

First baby due in April.


So, ah, what's the problem?  :)

I love it when things move fast (I get bored easily) but hubby is ready for a
nervous breakdown!

Ln

    On top of house and conception, we have to buy a new car --
    the only thing we own now is a small 2-seater sports car. 
    "strap the kid in the hatch!" they say 8-)
    well, the trade-in value will help a lot.....
    
    Monica
    (money? what money?)
     

    This brings up a good point/question.
    
    You know the famous list of the "top 10 most stressful things in life?" 
    One of them is starting a new job, one is making large purchases
    [buying a house], etc., etc...  
    
    Does anybody know that list, in the proper order, and where starting a
    family falls?
    
    This is not a "bible," but rather, just a listing gathered some folks
    who did some research...  Wonder if anybody knows where having a baby
    falls...?
    
    Re -2:  You've certainly got me beat!  Good grief.  What are you going
    to do when things get "boring?"  :-}

    Re. getting pregnant after going off the Pill:
    
    My OB told me the reason they want you to wait a few months is so you
    establish a normal cycle again.  Thea reson they want you to establish
    a normal cycle is so that they (the OBs) will know when you are due!
    
    Makes sense, huh?
    

    I am now pregnant for the seventh time!  Here is how long it took for
    each one:
    
    1st:  5 months
    2nd:  8 months
    3rd:  2 months  (after surgery for fallopian tubes that were completely
                     blocked)
    4th:  5 months  (after miscarriage of #3)
    5th:  1 month   (after reconstructive surgery following tubal pregnancy
                     - #4)
    6th:  9 months  (following birth and lactation period)
    7th: 11 months  (following ruptured tubal pregnancy - #6, with one
                     remaining fallopian tube)
    
    I think it's easy to see that it's as different for each pregnancy as
    it is for each person!  My first pregancy was when I was 17 years old,
    and this one at age 36 ... you be the judge!!
    
    BTW, I'll never understand why many people don't want to have a baby in
    July -- I live in Maryland and had my last baby in July and am
    expecting this one in July.  I look forward to having several weeks off
    at a time when I can enjoy my pool (usually only have time on the
    weekend), AND it's a great time to get people to visit!
    
    Good luck to all that are trying!!!
    
    Dale

    	I have been prompted by many of the noters in the Parenting
    notesfile to complete this topic.

    	When Marc and I decided to start working on having a baby, we had
    all of the stats, we had all of the books, we knew all of the time
    lines. All of the books said that it would take an average of 8 months
    to conceive, we figured ok, if we start now, then 8 months from now
    we'd conceive and then 9 months from then we'd get ourselves a baby
    (eternal optimists). We'd figure that we'd have a baby sometime next
    year.

    	Well, apparently there are other plans for us. We ended up
    conceiving on the second try. The baby is due in mid September *before*
    our first wedding anniversary (what a bunch of kids we are).

   	The funny thing is that by the end of the second month of trying, I
    was so sure that I wasn't pregnant and we were so disappointed (even
    though we tried not to be) that I made Marc go out and buy boxer
    shorts, avoid the sauna, and we got a book entitle "how to get
    pregnant" (Recommended by another Parenting noter and really an
    excellent book). Little did I know that while we were doing all of
    this, I was actually pregnant. We wondered if we could get our money
    back ;-)

    	Anyway, I'm quite certain that one lesson that this baby is going
    to teach me (has already started to teach) is that no matter how hard I
    try, I can't control this thing called life.

    		Wendy who is still in a small amount of shock

    It's interesting cause we had a similar experience.  We were living
    together and decided to get married because we wanted children.  So we
    got married on May 20, 1989 and started "trying" in July.  Bingo, in
    August it happened.  
    
    Gina was born on May 16, 1990.  We *still* haven't been out for a
    romantic dinner for our first anniversary, since I'm still nursing and
    that many hours out are hard.  But, I think we'll make it out for our
    second.
    
    judy

    Yay Wendy!  Thanks for the note.  You and Cherie are two success
    stories from our earlier conversations... Hooray for both of you!  
    
    Now, can I borrow that book????

    
    Well....I had this naive notion that we would be able to concieve right
    away. We were being married in Sept 1990, so I stopped the pill in
    June, we used other forms of birth control for 3 months, and I was
    hoping to get pregnant in Septmeber (putting me out of work during the 
    spring/summer, what a wonderful time to be home with a baby!) after the
    wedding.  ha ha  Then after a few months of not being successful, I
    started to worry there may be a problem (I am an avid worry wart). 
    I listened to everyone tell me "relax, don't think about it"..etc. and
    it drove me nuts to hear that.  I read all the books I could get my
    hands on, took my temp, etc...and nothing.  I have to admit, last month
    I kinda had "given up", and said "if it happens it happens".  And
    BAM...we're expecting in October!  I'm still in shock...!   I didn't
    get my wish of being home during the spring, but I wouldn't give it up
    for the world!  We just bought a new home dec 15th, and didn't have
    much of a Christmas this year...so at least I'll be home during next
    Christmas season, with an extra special little person to make it a WONDERFUL
    Christmas!  (maybe we'll even get to have a tree this year!)
    
    Took 6 months for us!
    
    Chris
     

    This makes me laugh as I recall my cousin's situation.  When they were
    getting married of course I went to his and his fiance's wedding
    shower, and casually turned to the woman next to me and commented, Do
    you want to make bets that this time next year we're sitting here for a
    baby shower?  The woman replies, no, John's got her on a real tight
    schedule it won't happen for a couple years.  
    
    Well.....the rest is history, they were married in June and the
    following April I was visiting them and their newborn son in the
    hospital, and 3 years later when they practically had to beg people to
    see their "for sale" condo, she's expecting again, with no place for
    the three of them, let alone 4!
    
    Lyn

Chris,

Congratulations on being pregnant!  

Like you I wanted a late spring baby to enjoy the summer off and to avoid 
being very pregnant during the winter.  Last March after 2.5 years of trying, 
I was delighted just to be pregnant.  (We figured I conceived the day my 
husband got the offer for his new job.  Talk about stress relief!)

Our son was born November 3 and I enjoyed having a fall baby so much that 
when # 2 comes along, I hope it is also born in the fall.  I was not too 
pregnant during the summer to be uncomfortable.  (I also think summer 
maternity clothes are prettier.)  The thermal effect of being pregnant kept 
me comfortably warm through the fall and into January.  Having a new baby 
made the holidays extra special.  I also found it easier to keep a small baby 
warm than to protect him from the strong sun and extreme heat.

Best wishes for a happy pregnancy and an easy delivery,

Meg