Conference moira::parenting

    
    This is a good topic.  I was just reading my topic three some odd years
    ago in here about Baptisms.  At the time, my husband and I were
    catholic but not practicing and we wanted to baptise our son who was
    then 1 but we found too much conflict with who to be the godparents and
    what family should be present.
    
    Fortunately for us, we are now again very faithful catholics and we
    have learned much in the Church about what godparents really are
    supposed to be.  Paul is now 3 and will be baptised on April 6th at our
    parish.
    
    But anyways.. back to your question.  In our religion, the godparents
    are people who are supposed to help in raising the child to know about
    the religion and about god.  They are supposed to be there for support. 
    Alot of people think that they are supposed to raise the child in case
    of the death of their parents (not saying you do but alot of people I
    know think that is their role).
    
    I think if the child doesn't have a relationship with their godparent,
    then its probably not unreasonable that they don't remember special 
    occasions in their life.  I know my cousin who is the other godparent
    to my neice (and I the other) never does anything for her since she
    moved far away but I continue to be a part of her life and want her to
    know that I am there for her to talk to about anything.  Because of the
    relationship we have, I could hardly forget about her birthday or
    Christmas. 
    
    I would try to talk to your brother about what the meaning of being a
    godparent is and how its important to you that he have a relationship
    with your child.  If he doesn't receptive to this, then you really
    can't force him.  (As you said.)
    
    I don't know if you can take back someone being a godparent.  I doubt
    you would be able to give the honor to someone else that might be more
    suited for the role either.  
    
    Hope things helps,
    
    cj  

I can go into a tirade regarding my brother or talk about my
disappointment at the evolving (or dissolving) role of my
daughter's godparents...but instead I'll talk about me..

I've been honored as godparent several times. My oldest godchild 
(15 years younger than me) is a mother of two children I've never even met.
We all live in Massachusetts so distance is not the issue. And I don't even
know if she goes to church.

Next...the next godchild is in college now...I had a chance to see her 
recently at a wake. When she was little, I wsa old enough to be a special 
aunt to her and  I was. I visited, played, took her and her sister on outings,
remembered every birthday, and sent ppostcards whenever I went on vacation. Times
have changed. We really don't have a relationship.

Then there's my brother's son who turned 14 recently. Again, when he was little, I
was around a lot, never missed a birthday party, etc. I didn't send him a card
on his last birthday.

A few years ago, some friends I was visiting asked me to be a proxy godparent 
to their then 4 year old. I arrived for the visit with a Children's Book of
Bible Stories. I send a present on his birthday...a little late this year. They
send my daughter a Christmas present every year. We never see each other.

I don't think I'm a bad person, but I think the quality of the relationship is
a function of my relationship with the parents and the energy the adults put into
it. I think, in each case, I put in as much energy as the parents of my Godchildren.
As they grow, it is less likely I will be the one to raise them in the Curch; their
parents do or don't do it.

So...the advice you may not be asking for...if you want your brotehr to be 
involved in, invite him in in every way you can. If he doesn't make time and 
energy (like my brother), find other people to love your kids. I recommend a book
called Families...on the first page it says "Families are the people you live with
and the people you love"

    My godparents did very little for me as I was growing up.  I knew they
    were my godparents but I accepted early that I would not get any
    presents or cards on my birthday.  My sponsor for Confirmation (whom I
    selected myself), however, has gone out of her way to be part of my
    life.  We have a very special relationship.  When I got married she
    sent me a very special gift (she lives in Italy) while my godparents
    sent small gifs (one lives in Italy, the other in Florida).  The one
    who lives in Florida did not even make the effort to come to the
    wedding (I live in New York) even though he had not seen me in more
    than 10 years.  I was hurt by this but not surprised.
    
    On the other hand, I am the godparent to one of my nieces and even
    though she lives in Italy, I always make sure I either send a card or
    make a call on her birthday.  I also send her presents whenever my
    mother goes to visit.  My husband has two godchildren and we never
    forget to bring them gifts on their birthdays and at Christmas.  I
    think my experience with my godparents has taught me to be a better
    godparent to my godchild.  I am not involved in her religious
    upbringing because her parents have taught her well and she is an altar
    server at this time.  
    
    It is sad that your brother does not want a special relationship with
    your child but he is the one missing out.  I don't think you can choose
    a new godparent at this time but your child can choose her own sponsor
    for Confirmation (I am Catholic) and have a special relationship with
    that person.  I don't know what your religion is but hopefully you have
    something similar to Confirmation in it that you can use to rectify
    this situation.
    
    Maria
    

    I am a god parent two times over and being a good god parent isn't
    about buying them gifts at birthdays and xmas, it is about being there
    for them if they need some guidance from  someone other than their 
    parents. It seems that the three previous noters talked about "gifts"
    but what you can do use a phone and call them. It isn't hard to keep in
    contact with people if we make an effort. 

    At the risk of belaboring the obvious, I think the parents and the
    godparent(s) need to agree on a definition of the role of "godparent"
    before entering into it, or if the deed is done, sort out what kinds of
    disconnects exist.  There are all kinds of assumptions--the definition
    given by a religious organization, the assumption that the godparent is
    the person who will become custodial guardian of the child should its
    parents die, the assumption that the godparent will assume spiritual
    training of the child but NOT physical custody, the assumption that
    being named a godparent is a compliment and little else.  Any of these
    can work, but all the people involved have to agree (and the physical
    custody assumption won't fly unless it's written into the will).
    
    Gifts and cards can be more or less important to the people involved
    too (look how many people get bent out of shape over Valentine's Day
    gifts!--our family always did cards, but gifts were above & beyond the
    call of duty).
    
    Leslie  

    I guess I chose my brother for the wrong reason and I have do live with that.
    Although we come from a large traditional Boston Catholic family (8),
    we can all be a bit "cold" toward each other. I guess I was trying to
    use Godparenting as a means to bring us closer. My wife has a very
    close family who NEVER forgets any occasion, so my families lack of
    involvement is tough to swallow.
    
    Its funny, my brother and I ran the Boston Marathon together last year
    and as a result we have been closer than ever. The only problem is that
    the relationship is limited to he and I talking about running and small
    polite gestures of "hows the family" at the end the conversation.
    Sounds like we need to broaden our conversation to involve the rest of
    our families. I just get nervous bringing up his lack of interest in
    his Godson because I've had a history of forgetting many special
    occasions for family members. Now that I'm married my wife covers up
    this "flaw" of mine and sends the cards.
    

Sounds like you and your brother have started to rectify the situation.
Maybe you and your wife can find ways to involve him that don't focus
on cards and gifts...sounds like that wasn't pushed in your family.

I have found that regular phone calls (like written on the calendar so 
you make them) help. Talk about running and include one cute story about
your son (I'm assuming he's cute.) It's a way for your brother to begin to
get to know the little guy. I'll bet before long he'll be asking about him.
Send a picture ...not the Sears kind...the in the backyard or on the potty
kind. My big Italian family loves those....makes them feel as if they are
involved.

Are you guys running this year ? So he'll be visiting ? And you'll do something
together...just the guys...including your son ?

Good luck. Maybe I ought to start swimming with my brother ?

    
    Maybe one way is to send your brother godparent cards on those
    special ocassions on behalf of your son as reminders! Hopefully,
    your brother will go "Oh yeah, I do have a god son!" eventually.
    
    Eva

My newphew Tom asked me to be the God Parent of his second
child, Devin, I asked him before accepting, "Tommy
are you sure, there's a responsibility associated with this
that I'm not sure I can always work out.."  thinking about the
distance between the two homes and all.  he said, yes
that he was sure,, 

Tom lives in Platakill New York, (about a four hour drive
from where I live) and he does come up and visit, but when he
does come, it's pretty clear he comes to visit two households,
His fathers, (my sisters ex husband) and his mothers, (my
sister,, he's been to my house ONCE, and we've lived there
dam close to 8 years now, and it's less than 1/4 mile away
from where his dad lives!).. but no problem, we can go where 
they are right...  but.. maybe not...

Usually, the amount of notice we're given is around 8 hours
or less that Tom, Kim and the kis are coming up.  It's more
likey the morning of the afternoon they'll be there, so
basically there on the way up, when I'm told they'll
be here.  O.k.... Plans for the weekend,, do we have any ?
does it matter? 

And then we usually have to work our schedules and plans, 
around Toms visits to his dads house (which occupy about 80% 
of the  total visit) and then once, all is said and done, there's 
usally a few hours of one of the days he's up here, that they'll 
actually be parked at my sisters house long enough for us to 
stop in and visit, and of course by that time of the day, the 
kids are wiped out, Tom and Kim are tired because they've had 
a full day of chasing the kdis around the resturant's, pizza 
parlors or movie theaters that Toms Dad took them all too,, 

and above all, it's clear the kids, really want nothing to do 
with "Uncle Ray and Auntie Deb", so there's  really not much of 
a relation ship, and it hurts in a way cuz I love these kids, 
but they don't know me or my wife.  The only way to fix it, I
guess is  for us to take the four hour drive to new york once a 
month, so that a relationship can be built..  Well that's not 
possible for us to do..

So I've offered a million times, for Tom, Kim and the kids to
stop over for dinner, lunch, breakfast, what ever, when they
come up for a few days. but, they're always too busy of course, 
hey, I guess I understand, (like I said, they don't come up to
stop over our place, it's not on the agenda, never is..) 
but, every now and then I still  get the little jabs
from my sister when the occasion comes about that we can't 
make it to my sister's house to meet the 'window of oppourtunity'
when Tom and his family will be at my sisters long enough to visit
with them, and of course these little jabs do  hurt a bit
because, I think we try, but the road to see Devin, appears
to go one way, and the road is often closed.   We do get the
birthdays and Christmas events covered though...

So what ya gonna do, I've got enough to worry about with me and 
my wife both working two jobs, bringing up our own two
who are 17 and 15, (and that's a freakin chore and a half)

Now Tom is a GREAT guy, luv the kid as if he was my own son,
and he understands because I've talked to him about it before,
told him it bothered me that Devin doesn't know who I am,
he claims he does, but who's to say.  (Actually it's my sis
that gets my goat on this one, I dislike her comments, like
"Hey Ray you do remember Devin, don't you..."

Anyway, the morale of my story:

people don't ask to be the Godparent, they're asked,
it's up to the parents to CHOOSE wisely who they ask.  As 
much as I love Devin, I'd rather Tom would have chosen 
one of his wifes Brothers (who live in Platakill New York)
to be little Devins God Father, I think I'd feel better about
things...

    I tend to take my godparenting role (as given in the Christian sense)
    quite seriously.  So I can understand your frustration.  We were
    given little cards with guidelines for the Role of Godparents.  My
    daughter's Godparents were given the same thing.  You may want to
    get a copy of them and just mention that you found these while
    going through some 'stuff' and thought they might be interested.
    
    The role of Godparents:
    
    To be chosen as a godparent is a special honor.  You, above all
    others, have been entrusted with the responsibility to participate
    in the child's Christian life and education.
    
    There are many way you can nuture this relationship and become a
    special
    friend:
    
    Celebrate the anniversary of this holy day of Baptism each 
    year with a visit, call or a card.
    
    As your godchild grows, listen to and share in the struggle and
    triumphs of life.
    
    Encourage a consistent life of faith through special cards, letters,
    or gifts which celebreate holy events, Christmas, Easter and personal
    growth events.. graduation, first job, engagement
    
    Be supportive of your godchild's parents in their role as primary
    religious educator of their child.
    
    You may find some with a less religious tone if you'd rather. I
    thought this was a nice way of reminding Godparents what their
    roles are.
    
    
    

I think that so much of the problem with godparents is not defining the
expectations and adapting them in the light of our *mobile* world.  The 
overall lack of community and people's excessively busy lives is testament
to that.

I find it repulsive to expect a godparent to honour a godchild with gifts.
If they do, then that's nice ... but to expect it is wrong, whatever your
godparenting agreement ... honorary or active.

Many people pick godparents as a matter of duty ... and people accept
because they feel honoured or don't want to offend if they refuse.  In
essence many godparents are coerced into the role.

I'm not a religious type ... but still believe that if you're going to do
this that it's clear what you intend.  And remember, godparenthood of itself
does NOT confer guardianship in the event of the parents death.  Even
expressing your wishes in a will is no guarantee ... courts have often
ruled in favour of family guardians first.

Stuart