Conference moira::parenting

    Can I ask for clarification on a couple of things?  You state that 
    you yell at your kids?  What types of things do your children do  that
    warrants yelling and you also state that you teach children to get
    their anger out.  How have you taught them to diffuse their anger?
    
    I have an 18 month old so I'm afraid my experience is alot less than
    yours but, are you teaching your children to deal with their anger
    or to vocally exhibit it.  If you are teaching your daughter to vocally
    exhibit anger rather than refocusing it, perhaps she is dealing with 
    stressful situations in the manner you have taught her.  But instead
    of yelling, she chooses to cry when she feel frustrated.
    
    What came out of the evaluation session?
    
    nmp
    
       

    Re .1 --
    
    Maybe it isn't yelling...maybe it's just raising my voice.  You know...
    you all got up on the wrong side of the bed and overslept to
    boot...you've asked them 5 times to put on their coats/hats becuase
    you're late -- AGAIN...they're whining about not wanting to go out and
    wanting to watch TV.  That kind of stuff makes me yell.  Not always,
    but often.
    
    Holly is able to tell me she's angry with me, when she's angry, which I
    think is great for a 4-year-old.  And I always acknowledge those
    feelings, and I thank her for telling me.
    
    I don't know what to teach them about how to get their angry feelings
    out.  Mostly they cry, and I don't know if you can teach an angry child
    to not cry at their ages (4 and 7).  I've also recommended pounding
    pillows and yelling (in their own rooms, of course)...so I'm sort of at
    a loss.
    
    The evaluation should be finished this week, and I'll probably write
    something then.

When you say "cry really hard", do you mean truly cry with tears and change
of breathing pattern, or do you mean just scream as in a temper tantrum.  
If you mean the latter, I wouldn't worry about it.  My daughter is 5.  It's 
taken a lot of work from both home and daycare, but we're finally getting her
over this stage.  For her, it's been a long journey.  She has a hot temper
(gee, guess she got that from her dad :-) and a very low frustration level.
When things don't go to suit her, she screams.  We've moved her from hitting
and stricking out (when she was 3) to screaming and now we're moving her to
calming down and "using her words" to tell people her feelings.  

Irene

    I mean your basic garden-variety tantrum, mostly crying with some
    screaming, depending on how mad she is, how tired/overstimulated she
    is.  Neither of our kids is a breath-holder.  I should add that many
    days, Holly does just fine, but her difficult days are DIFFICULT.
    I should also add that I thought most kids/people cried/were cross 
    for no good reason from time to time.

Noelle (3 1/2) just had some evaluations done by our local (NH)
school system.  You can read about it in note 1012.
I'm not sure if it was a "core" evaluation, but Noelle's
pediatrician was concerned with delays in gross and fine
motor skills.  The school system decided to perform 3
evaluations:  PT (physical therapy for gross motor skill)
evalution, OT (occupational therapy for fine motor skill)
evaluation, and an educational evaluation.  Noelle, too,
is "quite bright" by all reports.  It may be that your
daughter has some as-yet-undiagnosed problem which is causing
her a great deal of frustration and screaming is her way of 
dealing with the frustration.  At our evaluation meeting, several 
of the evaluators commented that they were amazed that Noelle was not
displaying some inappropriate behaviors.  We were "lucky" in that
her verbal skills are so advanced (compensation?) that
she was/is able to diffuse her frustration that way.  (I put
"lucky" in quotes since maybe she would have been diagnosed
earlier if she hadn't developed such wonderful coping skills.)

Good luck.  It's a scary time as you wonder what the results
of the evaluation(s) will be, and you wonder whether it was
something you did, something you didn't do, something that you
didn't do enough of, something you're still doing -- I probably 
don't need to tell you that!

My advice is to keep tabs on the school system -- call them
once a week for status if they haven't contacted you.  Request
written copies of all the evaluations, and trust that they are
trying to do well by your child unless/until you have evidence
to the contrary.  Our school system was very slow -- took 3
months for the process -- but my impression is that they were
really trying to figure out what evaluations were needed and only
do those.  Also, being an active irritant gave me some feeling
that I was in control which helps me cope.

Good luck and keep us posted.  I hope it's something *really*
simple like Holly needs glasses and the tantrums are her
way of diffusing the frustration of not being able to do things
because she can't see as well as she needs to!

- Deb B.

  

    My son, Charlie (who is now 22 ;-) was almost 2 months premature.
    When he was born the doctor had the stupidity to tell me he "believed"
    that because of the premature birth, Charlie would have "some kind" 
    of defect, i.e., slow learner, behaviorial issues, etc.  
    
    Well, needless-to-say, for about 8 years I suffered wondering
    if in fact my son had some kind of defect I wasn't aware of.  In
    spite of his prematurity, he was healthy, gained weight, and basically
    caught up fast and did all the things kids his own age did.
    
    Anyway, at age 8 I had him cored.  The results of the core test
    were such a relief to me - so comforting to know that he rated
    very high on all counts.  No defects - no problems.  I sufferred
    for 8 years for nothing!
    
    My point is the core test the schools provide is excellent.
    More parents should apply for this test if they're in doubt.
    In some cases, like mine, it solves a lot of frustration, guilt
    and worry.  My son is perfectly beautiful and the doctor was a jerk
    for even saying something like that.  
    
    Good luck -                                 
    
    Judie

    We're meeting with the core evaluation team on Friday morning.  Wish us
    luck!!
    
    Anyway, here are some of the preschool teacher's comments about Holly's
    behavior at the middle of the year:
    
    "..has no eye contact with me when she is talking to me or I am talking
    to her.  She is looking everywhere else.  She does not respond to what,
    where or why questions with a correct answer."
    
    On her evaluation form (always, almost always, frequently seldom),
    Holly seldom: works and plays well in a group; has developed
    self-control, listens attentively for short periods.
    
    However, she FREQUENTLY:  recognizes the 5 basic shapes, speaks
    clearly, relaxes at rest time, has a positive attitude toward leaning,
    initiates own activities, expresses own thoughts, shows originality in
    stories, art, rhyme; profits by criticism of peers/teacher; responds to
    directions; is alert to her environment.
    
    She can write her name, recognizes all her letters, knows all her
    colors and can recognize and write some numbers.
    
    We both think she may be a little behind the curve, certainly where
    speech development is concerned.  I am hoping that, with a little
    speech therapy, she will be able to express herself more clearly and
    that will end (or at least relieve) a lot of her frustration.
    
    Like I said, wish us good luck...
    kate