Conference moira::parenting

Rosemary, we moved at about the same time, and my 6 year old is having
the same problem.  It's been better lately, which I attribute to 2 things.
His teacher has helped him get involved with the other kids, and his daycare
has given him a lot of positive interaction with other kids.  I guess there's
really 1 additional factor, and that's that a couple of the kids in daycare
(and their parents) are willing for the kids to get together outside of
daycare.  My son doesn't count anyone as a "friend" unless that person has
been to his house and/or my son has been to theirs.  So far we have visited
one child at her house, and are working on getting another kid to ours (other
parents said yes, but were not willing to follow through).  We have also
had some occasional visitors whom he does *not* see on a regular basis.

I think your idea of after school activities is good.  If what is helping for
us might help for you, then I would suggest that you enlist the help of her
teacher, and that you work hard at getting her friends to come over to your
house.  We haven't worked *particularly* hard at it, and my son has suffered
as a result.  Good luck!

fwiw,

   Carol

    
    
    Is she afraid that if she makes new friends, that she'll just have to
    leave them again too?
    
    Keep in mind that kids that age can be incredibly MEAN!  Being the "new
    kid" she's more subjected to these cruelties.  
    
    Or maybe it's something simpler like she doesn't feel like she fits in
    well because she doesn't know how to do the things the other girls do -
    the jump-rope songs, the way  they play dolls, the things they talk
    about - perhaps helping her learn more about your town and local
    "customs/traditions" would help?  Maybe if you could get to be friends
    with one/few of the girls' moms, so that when the 2 moms got together,
    it would sort of "force" the girls to be together as well ...?
    
    Good Luck!
    
    

    I was thinking of putting in a similar subject however, my son is only
    14 months old and having problems adjusting to having his own room so I
    thought better in the sleep notes.  He will play in the room but does
    not like to wake up alone there because he has been in our room since
    he was born.  
    
    Advice welcome or should I go to the sleep note?
    
    I have no advise for the originator but only some things to think
    about.  
    
    She probably doesn't want to make friends with the new kids for fear of
    feeling guilty and "betraying" her best/old friend.  She might also
    feel that she will forget her old friend. 
    
    True, she probably doesn't realize it but I bet it has something to do 
    with it.  
    
    Maybe a visit from the friend would help.  I know its a long haul but it 
    could be worth it.  Maybe when her birthday or a special occasion comes up. 
    You could invite the neighborhood kids and her best friend and they all
    could get to know eachother.  
    
    My sister moves about every three years.  When my godchild was 10 years
    old and I asked her what she thought about moving she said to me, "Its
    o.k. Auntie Carla, I won't miss the kids here because I never really
    got a chance to know them."
    
    
    cj

    Boy, can I relate!!  My daughter (age 12) and I just moved to NH from
    the west coast this past May.  Although she's made friends and is
    always outside doing something, she still says she hates it here.  It's
    especially bad when she talks to her friends back home on the phone. 
    She cries, goes through pictures... and counts the years when she's 18
    (she says she's going home when she turns 18)!  ANYTHING at all that
    mentions our home state and she's drawn to it like a magnet.  I'm
    beginning to get a little short tempered by this.  I too moved alot when
    I was a child, but I always adjusted.  My daughter isnt and it will be
    a year this May.  I guess time will cure all and some kids take longer
    than others.  I'm sure the younger they are the easier it is.  
    
    I wouldnt push her though... let her adapt at her own pace, that's what
    I'm doing.
    
    Good luck!
    
    -Terri

    When I was in 4th grade we moved within commuting distance (1 hour) and
    my parents drove me to see my friend occasionally and helped with
    letters.  They also invited Jason over.  As I recall this went on for
    a few years.  Would it help to extend an invitation for the "kids" to
    visit you in the summer?  This might get them focused on all the fun
    stuff they are going to do at their new home.  Just a thought.

    Just a sideline to the 'visit' idea....If a visit is too expensive (and
    I'm sure it get to be), and writing letters is still a way off
    ability-wise, maybe they could send videotapes of each other back and 
    forth (assuming both families have or have access to a video-recorder)? 
    My Brother in law and his wife lived in California when their daughter 
    was born and sent monthly videos back and forth to keep the grandparents 
    (both sets were on the East coast) 'close' to her. We toyed w/ the
    idea of getting a family video recorder in order to send return videos
    so she could begin to know who they were too! Fortunately, they moved 
    back East before she turned one, so it was never a problem. Not sure if
    helping to share events (birthdays, holidays, special school events?)
    will be helpful to her adjustment or only make the separation feeling 
    worse, but if she's calling, seeing her friend could help....

    My nephew was about Heather's age when my sister and her husband were
    transferred to Germany (B-I-L is in the Army).  Jack LOATHED Germany.
    He wanted to be in an American school with American kids.  He
    grudgingly adjusted, but it was very difficult for his parents and
    it took a long time.  He never really liked Germany at all, but at
    least he learned how to tone down his reactions.  
    
    It may help a little to read up on the grief process, because this
    is essentially what it is.  It may not hurt to find a professional who
    can help the kids deal with their feelings.  Parents might benefit too.
    After all, *you* left a job you liked, a nice home, friends, an entire 
    lifestyle.  So everyone has a lot of adjusting to do.  Sometimes you
    need someone to hold your hand for a while.
    
    A little girl my daughter was especially close to left her daycare 
    abruptly right around THanksgiving (it was an argument between the
    mother and the daycare provider, nothing to do with the children).
    Holly misses Maura dreadfully.  It's taking her awhile to adjust.
    Right after Maura left, we had all the bustle of the holidays and
    everything, but now it's all "back to normal," and I think Holly's
    grief reaction is really kicking in.  She's had a couple of really
    rough days.  So what I'm going to do is call the mother (she used
    to date my husband's best friend) and see if we can get the kids
    together.  I think they would all enjoy it.
    
    Sorry to ramble.  I hope these ideas help, and that you and your
    kids will be blessed as you adjust to your new home(s).  It's just
    going to take time.
    
    In thought,
    Kate

Elspeth (now 13) still regards as her best friend a girl who left her school
almost six years ago, moving first to Maine, then to Florida.  Despite the
distance, we've managed to arrange for them to have at least a week or two
together every year since then.

Moving doesn't have to end a close friendship, especially if the parents are
willing to be supportive.

	-Neil

    
    Thank you all for your replies.  I really appreciate your suggestions.
    
    For Xmas, my husband gave Heather a card in which he promised her a
    3 day weekend back down in New Hampshire to visit her friends.  She was
    thrilled!
    
    Another idea I had was Elyse's (Heather's best friend) dad comes up to
    Montreal quite often.  It's only a 2 hour drive from Ottawa, so we are
    trying to work a time that he comes up, to bring Elyse, and I'll drive
    to Montreal to pick her up and bring her to our place for the weekend.
    
    .7 - yes it was an upheaval for the entire family...even our cat (17
    years old) hasn't adjusted well yet.  But having gone through a lot of
    moves in my youth, I just make the best of the situations I'm in.  Yes
    it will take time for Heather, I just hate to see her so sad all the 
    time.
    
    Time will heal all wounds, and who knows what the new year will bring.
    
    Thanks all.
    Rosemary

    Rosemary,
    
    I moved in 4th grade and then 3 times in high school years (and just
    3 years ago relocated from Mass. to California)... While it won't seem
    logical to your daughter, the best thing she can do is keep in touch
    with her old friends, by letters/sending pictures, etc. but focus on
    developing *new* activities and friends. It's very similar to breaking
    off a relationship - nothing takes the sadness away quite as well as
    new interest(s). Not to say the new friends will *replace* her old
    friends - tell her to try to think of it as *extending* her circle of
    friends. My mother always told me that if you make an effort to keep in
    touch with good friends, you make it easier and more likely that your
    paths will cross again in the future. Plus, you really end up learning
    a lot about life from a wider array of friends and watching the
    different paths they all take.
    
    I think the ski and swim lessons are an excellent idea (assuming your
    daughter loves those sports) to give her the opportunity to be with
    others who share her interest. Try to support her keeping contact with
    her friends but also reinforce any steps she takes toward socializing
    more, but without pushing too hard. Not easy! Another idea - does she
    have any favorite subjects you could get her some books on? Or maybe
    start a project of some sort to take her mind off of the situation for
    awhile...
    
    Best of luck,
    -Cori