Conference moira::parenting

Depending on how verbal your 2-year-old is, maybe you can include
her in the decision-making.  If she already refers to her father
as "Daddy", it'll probably be confusing to change his name now.
Maybe she and your boyfriend can come up with something they're both
comfortable with.

Some other daddyish names:
	Poppy
	Pop-Pop
	Dad
	Father
	Pa
	Pop

Or maybe 'daddy' words in other languages.  (I can't help with specifics,
though).

    We went through the same thing...My son was 4 at the time.
    
    He started to call my, now, husband by his first name and
    then after abour 9 months switched on his own to Daddy.
    
    I want to reassure that our situation was almost exactly
    the same as yours and there are a lot of people going through
    these types of transitions.  Nathan is now sure that J. is
    his 'real' Dad because he loves him and takes care of him.
    These are his own words.  As your daughter grows she will
    probably come to the same conclusion.
    
    Pam

    Lolita was much older when Frank and I met (8) and she has always
    called him Frank, and her father dad.  I would just play it by ear and
    let your child take the lead.  My best friends kids call her Deborah,
    except for her youngest which has always called her mommy.  
    
    meg

We have extra grandparents for my kids ... so to help sort it out
the "extra" grandparents are called "grandad john" etc. in the
same style as "Uncle Tom" and "Aunt Mary".

Perhaps the same idea of "Dad Jim" and "Dad Mike" would work ? It
acknowledges their special status, and yet is comfortably familiar.

Stuart

    When I was dating, my then daughter, who went from 3 to 7 while I was
    dating, used to call the men I dated Mr. Firstname.  It wasn't as
    formal as Mr. Lastname, and I didn't want her to have "uncles" that
    weren't really related.  And I didn't want her using just a first name.

    
    Well, on the technical side, according to my dictionary, it never
    refers to "dad" "father" or "parent" as being anything biological. 
    So, from that sense, I'd suggest Dad.  The definitions go something
    like;
    
    Dad = Father
    Father = Male Parent
    Parent = Mother or Father
    
    Does her bio father object to her calling your boyfriend "Dad"?  Does
    he care?  How does he refer to himself when speaking to her?  Does she
    know him as daddy, or just as 'that man who comes over once/week'? 
    When I was living with my boyfriend, my children always ALWAYS called
    them by his first name, and their dad was still dad.  Everyone was
    comfortable with that, and since Dad is VERY active in their lives,
    anything else would have just been wrong.  There were times they'd slip
    and call my boyfriend Dad, but the bigger difference from your
    situation is that her dad seems to be non-participatory.  
    
    A friend of mine has been living with a girl "forever" - since this boy
    Jason was about 1 (he's 7 now).  Jason knows his real dad, and when his
    real dad can stay out of jail and comes to visit, Jason calls him dad. 
    When he's not around, he calls my friend dad, otherwise he calls him by
    a nickname of his first name.  
    
    Maybe you can invent a special nickname for your boyfriend that's
    special for him and your daughter, until you can sort things out more
    "permanently" ?
    
    Good Luck!
    ....wait till you hit last names......

This reply is from the author of 763.0.

***********************************

    I'd like to thank everyone for their inputs.  The comments were very
    helpful and more or less what was already on my mind.  To answer a
    couple of questions:

    Her father has NEVER referred to himself as Dad but I was told through
    the grapevine that if she called my other half Dad then he'd beat him
    up (very mature for a 38 year old).  He does not refer to himself as
    anything and I've now just started saying to her his first name.  I 
    can't see having her call him Daddy when he won't call himself Daddy.
    He was referred to as Daddy once and I thought he was going to keal 
    over.  He was very embarrased.  He refuses to speak about her in public
    or even tell anyone that he has a child.  Heck, I gave him a wallet
    picture and about 2 weeks later for the heck of it, when we were both
    out in the same place, I asked him for the picture to show someone to
    find out that he doesn't even carry her picture.  Needless to say, I
    don't bother giving him anymore.  
    She only knows him as someone that would stop by for a few, once a week.
    Again, he shows next to now affection towards her at all.  SAD!!  

    I really like the idea of Daddy (first name) for each.  I'm still
    giving this more thought as I don't want to jump into something but
    since she's getting older I've got to have something in mind.

    thanks again
      

Basenoter,

I realize this isn't exactly what you are asking about, but it almost sounds
to me like you don't want your ex called Daddy because you want to punish him
for not acting the way that *you* think he should.  Yes, there are probably
things he could change, but keep in mind that he *is* coming to see her.
That should count for quite a bit.

Why don't you ask your ex what you should teach his daughter to call him?
You might ask him if he prefers "Dad, Daddy, Pop, Papa, or something else".
Once you know what *he* wants to be called, then you can get a better idea
of what your boyfriend can be called.  It may be, too, that if you do things
to make your ex feel more secure in his role as a father, that he will be
more lenient in accepting your boyfriend having a place in his daughter's
life.

    Carol

re -.1

I had some thoughts along the same line.  The dad seems to have
some interest in the parenting role since he does come to see
his daughter.  While it may be hard for you, helping him develop
a relationship with your daughter could ultimately be very
important to your daughter.

I have a nephew who has never known who his father is or anything
about him.  This seems to be a void for him.

You are in a difficult situation - good luck.

 In my opinion it doesn't really matter what your daughter calls either
 your boyfriend or her biological male parent. The key here is that she
 eventually knows who is who and why. There are plenty of kids who have
 2 "Dads" through divorce and remarriage and accept this without question.
 My advice is to be careful only what your daughter calls your boyfriend
 for if the two of you should ever break-up you probably won't want her
 to refer to him with a father type name. On the other hand her biological
 father will always be her parent regardless of what role he plays in your
 daughter's life present or future. Also be careful about asking her father
 to give up his parental rights just so your future husband can become her
 legal parent. You don't know what the future brings and a bad decision now
 could hurt your daughter later in life. No child wants to feel totally
 abandoned by a parent no matter how little they see or hear from them.


   Neil...

This reply is from the author of 763.0.

***********************************

    To make a long story short - He has only an hour with his daughter
    and that is court ordered.  That's the only time he told the court 
    he wanted with her.  From what I've seen since day one, about the 
    only reason why he has anything to do with her is because of his mother.  
    She is very much a family type person and pushes him to have something 
    to do with her.  He won't even take her over to see his mother.  I
    now visit with her and that's how come I know how she feels. 
    Yes, I have a real problem with this guy due to the fact 
    that he's tried to ruin my reputation with nasty rumors, he's denied that 
    he's her father in court as well as public.  He's stated that if
    he has to pay for her than he's going to take her.  Believe me, this
    is a very nasty situation, one I wish I didn't have to be in.  
    No matter what happens, my daughter will always know the truth and will
    know who her real father is.  That's one thing I could never do nor
    could I live with that secret.  

    I hope this helps to understand the situation.  Beleive me, this is
    very brief compared to what I could really tell.......

    Again I'd like to thank everyone for their help

    If it were me, I wouldn't worry about the name. I think it's less
    important what the child calls his parents (biological or in terms of
    real parenting) than what the nature of that relationship is.
    
    For some reason, my son (10) has always called me by my first name,
    while my daughters (6 and 4) call me Daddy, and they all call my wife
    Mama or Mommie.
    
    Kit