Conference moira::parenting

	Crafts!

	Tell her to take a craft class some night while hubby watches
	the kids, then start making crafts at home.  If she wants easy,
	then floral design is quite easy.  If she wants something useful,
	sewing.  If she is artistic (and even if she isn't), tole painting.
	These are the three crafts that I'm involved in (well, not anymore
	with all my free time now!).

	Seriously, she needs a hobby.  If crafts doesn't cut it for
	her, maybe a health club is an idea.  Many have childcare.

	Or, maybe she could sell Avon, Princess House, whatever.

	Or, if she isn't going to be a stewardess any longer, she could 
	start taking a class that will help her begin a new career.
	If classes are too expensive, there is always correspondance
	courses.

	My last idea... get a part time job.

	I know I was going a little nuts after being home with
	Lauren for 11 weeks.  I actually came back a week early and
	worked part time for 2 weeks instead.  Some day, I'd love to
	work part time on a regular basis.

	Anyhow, staying at home nowadays is alot different than it
	was when our mothers were raising children.  They had lots
	of friends in the same situation to do things with, visit with 
 	and swap babysitting with.  Its just not like that anymore.
	Perhaps your friend should go to the library and the park to
	meet other women who also stay home.  

	Karen

     One of my girlfriends was in this situation sometime ago and she put
     an ad in the paper that read something like this:
    
                    Mother in need of Adult Interaction
                    Let's get together with our Kids
    		
    
    
     From her add she was able to form a small group of 10 women who
     take turn at each others house visiting on Tuesday Mornings.  Of course
     by the time I had my child most of the women had already gone back to
     work.

Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but I'm concerned with the drinking and 
the defeatist type excuses for every suggestion you have.  I'm wondering if 
there isn't some post-partum depression going on here.

You might want to read through note 332 (which references topics in previous 
versions on PPD).  If it's possible that this is the problem, I'd suggest you 
urge her (or her husband if you know him well) to get help.

Clay

    Clay,
    
    I am worried about this too.  That is why I want to help her so badly.
    
    I am concerned because her child was born prematurely and although she
    says that the child is o.k., it just doesn't seem/look like a normally
    developed 6lb child to me.  The child sleeps all the time, has lots of
    wrinkles on her face and the eyes are wandering when she is awake.
    
    I will check into the PPD note, thanks for the tip.
    
    Karen, she used to go to a crafts class.  I really think that she is
    looking for something to do with the children.  Her husband is more
    than supportive about her getting out when he gets home and letting her
    do "her own thing".
    
    cj
    

    Oh, and she will be returning to her stewarding but not for two more
    months.  I don't think that getting a part time job is an answer
    because supposedly she wants to still be with the kids.
    
    cj

    I too got the impression that she was really looking for
    something to do WITH the children.
    
    Many towns have playgroups, sometimes the library has information
    on them.
    
    Now that the weather is getting nice, parks are a great option.
    There are lots of great new playgrounds to explore.  This is
    something that she can do even with the newborn.  
    
    It'll give her oldest child a chance to burn off some energy
    and make new friends, while she will get a chance to meet
    other moms...
    
    	Linda

    She might also want to see if her local library has a story time for
    kids.  I know the library where I live has a story hour in the kids
    part of the library wehre they also have toys and other things that the
    kids can explore and learn with.
    
    I thought the crafts were a good idea also.  She might want to check
    out the local book store and get a book that has crafts that you can do
    with your child.  Like making masks out of paper plates, making
    different type of hats with construction paper, ect.  My daycare lady
    does this with the kids and every holdiay my son comes home with a
    different hat for that specific holiday.  She might want to invest in a
    book like that, and pick up some kid's sissors, construction paper,
    stick glue, markers and other things that she can use to do things with
    her oldest while the baby sleeps.
    
    Also me and a friend of mine make out husbands watch the kids one night
    a week while we go shopping and then stop for a cup of tea and some
    adult conversation, we also do this on the weekend depending on what we
    have planned and we also take some night time craft classes.
    
    She might want to get re-involved in her crafts also.
    
    The drinking part worries me tho.  I hope for her sake and the kids
    that it doesn't turn into anything serious.
    
    Liz

    How about calling a local church to see if they have any type of
    toddler group, instead of starting one or going to someones house. 
    The Unitarian church in Groton, MA has a play group twice a week where
    the kids get entertained and the parents get together, talk, play with 
    the kids and simply enjoy another adults companionship while still being
    involved with their kids.
    
    This may help her to get out of the house, be involved with her kids,
    but not feel that she will owe someone something in return by being
    involved in an in home play group. 
    
    Lisa 

    cj,
    
    where does your friend live?  Maybe we could point out 
    specific playgroups/playgrounds and activities of interest
    if we knew what vicinity she lived in.
    
    	Linda

    CJ,
    
    I took a 9 month maternity leave to be with my first premature baby
    born 3 1/2 months early.  I used to drive across town at night to get
    milk, just to have time to myself and get away from that "shut in"
    feeling.  
    
    There were many things to do with Shannon during the day.  First of
    all, she was visited by Early Intervention once a week.  We went for
    all kinds of appointments of course, so we did get out too.  I was
    afraid to walk her in a stroller because she came out of the hospital
    early spring, but I was assured it would do us both good, so I started
    walking often.
    
    My suggestion would be for your friend to ask her doctors what
    restrictions apply, and go forth from there.  She may also benefit from
    a support group for parents of premies.  
    
    btw, premature infants *rarely* look like other newborns.  I've had
    two!  Sleeping is when babies do their growing so she needs plenty of
    that.  
    
    Feel free to send my mail.
    
    Beth

    Beth,
    
    I am so glad that you said that premature babies rarely look like other
    babies.  I know that inside, she is fighting some sort of anger and
    frustration because she is looking at what her two year old looked like 
    and seeing her daughter being nothing like him.
    
    My friend lives in Dracut, I believe closer to Methuen than Lowell.
    I don't consider her area the city, but then again, I don't know that
    area well at all.
    
    I like your idea about the church Lisa.  She is very religious and
    attends church weekly.  I think I'll talk to her and see if she has
    been in touch with anyone there.
    
    cj

    Last summer when I was on maternity I joined a health club. It
    was the BEST thing I ever did for myself and my family. Now, I try go
    at least once or twice a week after work.   
    
    First, I checked out all the health clubs in my community for their 
    babysitting facilities. This was (is) my primary requirement, 
    that the child care facilities are good.  
    
    If money is an issue she may try to see if the health club has a 
    trial membership. These memberships are usually cheaper and only last 
    for a couple of months. The health club I joined has a 3 month trail 
    membership which I signed up for this past summer. Also, I only joined 
    the aerobics not the rest of the club. In my club, babysitting is free.  
    The babysitting is run by several of the mothers. These mothers volunteer
    a certain amount of time each week to watch the children in the 
    child care facility. In return, they receive a free club membership for
    themselves. Also, I am now a member through my husband's HMO. She 
    may check out her health care and see if it offers discounts to 
    health clubs in her area.  
    
    Last summer, I went at least four times a week to the aerobics or a
    erobic circuit training(weights with aerobics). I found my stress 
    level went way down, had alot my energy, felt great  about myself 
    after only a month. Lost the weight I gained from pregency plus 
    lost an additional 15 pounds. Also, I met some great people, mostly 
    mothers with small children.  In addition, my children got to play 
    with other kids their age.
    
    This may be a suggestion for her to try. She will get adult
    conversation. Plus, she may meet some very nice people in her
    community. Good luck. She is very lucky to have such a good friend.
    
    -- Pat K.
        

    Forget my friend, I'll try the healthclub idea! :) Only joking...
    
    cj
    

    CJ,
    
    
>>    I am so glad that you said that premature babies rarely look like other
>>  babies.  I know that inside, she is fighting some sort of anger and
>>  frustration because she is looking at what her two year old looked like 
>>  and seeing her daughter being nothing like him.
    
That said, combined with the afternoon drinking sounds to me like the 
beginning of a serious problem.  

There are some mothers of premature babies that suffer depression for a 
variety of reasons.   The medical community and press can sometime leave a 
mother of a premie feel like somehow they are the cause for the child's 
prematurity (ie. relating premature births to smoking, drinking, drug abuse, 
lack of prenatal care etc.) Yeah, all those are the *known* causes, what about 
all those premature births they can't explain????  I know I sometimes felt 
like *everyone* could have healthy babies, what was wrong with me that I 
couldn't?  What did I do that was so bad to deserve this???


Your friend may suffer post-tramatic stress syndrome.  Now that the child is 
out-of-the-woods, she may be sitting back thinking about the intensity of the  
circumstances when, while she was going through it, she was running auto-pilot.
I don't know, I am only guessing, but what she may need is counselling right 
away!  

Btw, your comments about the baby's behavior are classic premie.  You may 
benefit from reading one of the many books on premature birth, it may make you 
more confortable talking to your friend.

I know when I was home for the 9 months with Shannon, the people that tried to 
learn about prematurity and did not fear discussing it helped me most.  In 
    fact, if it weren't for two of my friends (Godmothers of my kids), I am
    not sure if I would have survived.  When Courtney was born (9 weeks early) 
    are families and friends were much more confortable and did not hesitate 
    discussing issues....We had all learned so much from Shannon.

Good luck and best wishes to your friend,

Beth
    

    I too remember sitting in my room about 4 days after delivery of AJ, I
    had just been just about removed from the NICU, due to another child in
    the midst of a major crisis.  
    
    One of the nurses walked by my (private) room and found me literally
    sobbing, I was blubbering something to the effect of "I didn't have a
    "normal" delivery, I had gone through so much to even get pregant (a
    major infertility problem) I had lost my first one to in utero death,
    and now I couldn't even make a healthy baby.  Sob sob sob!  I had mommy
    guilt big time!  It was the kindness of that nurse that helped me see
    it wasn't my fault, and it was going to work out OK.
    
    I actually found myself extrememly protective of him, and even now find
    myself saying enough is enough, let's take a break from all these
    underlying medical procedures from time to time.  There are times when
    I literally find myself gritting my teeth (so that's where the ache in
    my jaw comes from!) and allowing him to try something new, or do
    something independently.
    
    As for the "baby looks like ET" comment.  I was the first to make that
    observation.  All of us from parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles
    actually thought is was cute.  I really wish your friend could, in fact
    see it as "cute".  In fact we sort of thought his slow definitive
    movements were much like ET too.  She probably needs to be told time
    and time again that her baby is really beautiful, that SHE made that
    beautiful baby, and that she has a huge support system at her disposal.
    
    There were several times when I was at home, new home new town, new
    neighborhood, and felt quite paranoid.  Because I was probably the
    onlyone at home during the day in the entire neighborhood.  Several
    times I found myself calling my friend, my son's Godmother, and
    beginning by saying "I need a grownup to talk to!"  The first summer
    she came to visit several times, brought muffins and we were able to
    chat over coffee, I really appreciated her so much for those times. 
    Once she arrived with a wrapped gift, it was a box of CALGON!  She told
    me to take a nice long hot bath, and enjoy it on her!  I really
    appreciated little things like that.  We went to visit them one Sunday
    afternoon, they offered, well almost insisted, we go down the street to
    the Friendly's restaurant *without* the baby and relax!  We did, and I
    still appreciate the break.  
    
    Maybe all your friend needs is to know she is still a very good person,
    and even better mommy!
    
    Lyn
    (who can't believe her sick little premie is now 7, and tips the scales
    at nearly 59 pounds, and over 4 feet!)

    
    An idea for your friend...
    
    There is an organization called F.E.M.A.L.E. (Formerly Employed
    Mothers at the Leading Edge).  This is a national organization, with
    local chapters.  The group meets, mothers only, two evenings a month, 
    for discussions, support, etc.  They also have playgroups, outings,
    etc.  I've found it to be a wonderful group.  I don't have the national
    number with me, but if your friend is interested, please send me mail
    at WR2FOR::HARPHAM.  But hurry, my last day at Digital is Friday!
    
    Lynn
    

    Sorry, VAXmail address is WR2FOR::HARPHAM_LY
    

Thanks for the good discussion! My wife is 3 weeks into her maternity leave
with our second child, and while we don't have the additional anxiety of
a premie, I know she is frustrated with doing nothing but feeding (she
greets me when I come home by saying "Moo"!). I will take some of the advice
to her. A little advice of my own for those with a personal computer and
a modem: try an online service like America Online. You can spend a lot of
time talking to other people in similar situations, poking around in the
files and information services. Just have to watch for accumulated login time
so you don't get an astronomical bill! You can also try some local bulletin
boards, although for security sake I would try to get some recommendations,
and don't give out too much personal information (already have one case of 
a child-molester cruising the BBS's, don't need someone looking for women 
at home alone [pardon my paranoia]).