Conference moira::parenting

Vickie,

A BIG HUG to you.  I don't know the solution to your problems, but I am glad
you felt open enough to vent here.

I wish  you strength during this difficult time.

Bob

    Vickie,
    
    How about trying to find a "free" play group for your little ones?  You
    may be able to find one through your church or your local library.
    
    The local library might be a real help anyway.  Ours (in suburban
    Maryland) has reading hours for different age groups and they even have
    a "bedtime story" hour twice a week.  You can bring your kids in their
    PJs and meet other kids of similar ages while a libary staff member
    reads bedtime stories to them in a group setting.  It might also be a
    good place to meet other mothers/fathers in a similar situation.
    
    Even if your library doesn't have such kid-oriented programs they must
    have a children's section.  Try going there just for a place to unwind
    once a week or once every two weeks.  Even if your little ones aren't
    into reading yet they have books on tape (books recorded that you can
    "read" along with).  It gives you and them a break and a chance to
    unwind.  It sounds like you need to give yourself a break too!
    
    Another suggestion is to try the "free" bulletin board at your local
    grocery store.  You may be able to find playgroup info there.
    
    Hang in there and let us know how things are going!
    
    Kathy
    (Mother of 4 yr old Alex
    and 9 month old Noah)
                                               

    
    Who is going to be watching the children during the 2 hour overlap
    between yours and your husbands job now with the older girls gone???
    I know youre trying to avoid the costs of daycare (aren't we all) but
    maybe you could find a reasonable one for the 2 hour time period and
    this would give Katie some playtime with other kids her age???
    
    Just an idea...  I wish you luck in this tough time, keep your chin up!
    
    Chris
    

    Hi Chris,
    
    I have tried to find someone to take care of the two littles ones in
    the afternoon that has small children but I only need someone for 
    six hours a week and no one wants to do it for such a short period of
    time.  We also have a problem with transportation - my husband has
    a pickup truck and can't get both of them with their carseats in to 
    take them anywhere and we can't afford another car payment right now
    to buy another car.  My mother-in-law can watch them two of the five
    days so I only need to find someone for the other three.  I am trying
    to find a teenager to watch them the other three days now.
    
    Vickie

    
    Vickie...
    
    Well keep your ears and eyes open, check the local papers, maybe you
    could find a mom that has a child of her own to come to your home for
    those couple of hours... You never know. 
    
    I hope it all works out for you...Keep us posted.
    And about your older children, I know it hurts to let them go, but
    maybe in a few months they will decide that living at Dads isn't as
    great as they thought it would be! 
    
    Chris
    

    Vickie
    
    Living with Daddy will entail a different set of restrictions than
    visiting, although maybe not at first.  I know teenager's are tough, I
    was ready to move Lolita in with her father (over both of their dead
    and dying bodies) on a regular basis between the ages of 13 and 17,
    just to get some peace in my home.  Just remember, they do eventually
    civilize.  
    
    On thing you may want to make sure of is not to let the girls play you
    and your ex off each other.  Once the honeymoon period wears off at the
    other home and the rules change, they may well want to come back to
    living with you (before the 6 months are up).  I have found that if you
    knuckle under on this, you wind up never knowing which house they will
    be living in from month to month, or even day to day.
    
    Good luck
    
    Meg 

    VICKIE
    
    MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU. I KNOW YOU MUST BE HURTING SEEING YOUR OLDER
    CHILDREN GO AWAY. BUT I AGREE WITH A PREVIOUS REPLY, LIVING WITH DAD
    WONT BE AS GREAT AS THEY MAY THINK.  IT SOUNDS LIKE HE PAYS THEM OFF
    FOR THE LACK OF GIVING HIMSELF TO THEM. IN TIME THEY WILL REALIZE THAT.
    
    YOU DIDN'T MENTION IF YOUR OLDER CHILDREN ARE ATTACHED TO THE YOUNG 
    ONES. DON'T THEY FEEL LIKE "OLDER SISTERS"?? ASK THEM TO COME OVER
    AND SPENT SOME TIME WITH THEIR LITTLE SISTER ONCE A WEEK OR SO.  I BET
    THEY WILL IF YOU EXPLAIN THAT THEIR SISTER MISSES THEM!!! [I HOPE]
    
    WELL GOOD LUCK. I PRAY THINGS WORK OUT FOR YOU AND PLEASE RECEIVE A BIG
    HUG FROM THIS SINGLE MOM IN CALIFORNIA.
    
    ESTHER

    Vickie,
    
    No solutions here, just some heartfelt sympathy for the troublesome 
    times you're going through.  Also, a little observation.  I don't think 
    it's fair for the older one to use the "excuse" of the younger one
    bothering her as a reason for leaving.  Think of the many, many
    families with teenagers and toddlers under the same roof (I grew up
    in such a situation).  Sure, the older ones may be bothered by the
    younger ones, but if they don't have an "escape"--such as your ex--
    they find a way to deal with it.  Isn't that part of what being a
    family is all about?  Learning to deal with different members, with
    different needs, and finding a way to live with and hopefully love
    each other?   
    
    If your daughter can admit that the underlying reason she wants to go
    is to experience living with her father for a while, that should be 
    easier for everyone to accept.  The younger one won't feel rejected,
    and you could probably understand her curiousity to live with her other
    parent while she is still a minor.  I think you're right to let her go
    for 6 months, because otherwise she'll always wonder how it would have
    been over there where the grass is greener.....
    
    Jane
                 

>    times you're going through.  Also, a little observation.  I don't think 
>    it's fair for the older one to use the "excuse" of the younger one
>    bothering her as a reason for leaving.  Think of the many, many
>    families with teenagers and toddlers under the same roof (I grew up

I also grew up in such a situation but I also don't think it's fair to expect
a teenager to use EVERY afternoon to look after younger siblings.  I can well
imagine that the girls might think their father's house looks more 
comfortable.  

I had to look after my younger brother's and sisters and cook dinners, etc.  But
I also had the time I needed to participate in extracurricular activities and
to do my homework in peace and quiet.  After all, a teenager has a right to a
private life too.

Cheryl

    
    Sorry to hear your blue.  You ought to sit the two older ones down and
    have a talk with them about how they are going to continue their
    relationships up with the youngers.  Explain how important they are to
    the youngers and all.  Hope things work out.
    
    
    Mike