Conference marvin::uk_music

    Add on another couple of years for "Hurry Up Harry (We're All Going
    Down the Pub)".
    
    Dom

For the gratuitous wearing of metal brassieres and for uttering the
unfortunately unforgettable "Techno!  Techno! Techno!": 2 Unlimited.

5 years apeice.  Take them down.

Guy

Charged with making acres and acres of random bleeping noises and selling
them to unsuspecting thirtysomethings as "ambient _music_".  Brian Eno.

The sentence: 2 years in Lemmy's bass bin; teach him what rock'n'roll really
is.

Guy

    re the base note
    
    barry,
    
    the new stuff from sham 69 is as bad as the old. saw jimmy pursey
    interviewed on tv the other day. he is about 50, looks 70 and trying to
    be a 20 year old. rather sad and pathetic.
    
    stuart

    Stuart,
    
    I'd expect their fans are now 30-40 year old skin'eds still game 
    for a ruck.
    
    Anyway, next up, who's this? Toyah? 
    
    Life and nothing less.

    Whilst Footballers always make fools of themselves in attempting
    to play Popstars, I doubt if any could have surpassed the Hoddle &
    Waddle debacle. The worst thing about their record was that these
    two players were perhaps the most talented in the English League
    at that time and credibility subsequently evaporated. Yes, Glen & Chris
    with 'Diamond Lights' was  dreadful but not as half as bad as the 
    performance the pair put on for TOTP. Truly embarrasing from such
    Godlike footballers. 
    
    No witty comments about Hoddle now doing pennance at Stamford Bridge, 
    purrrlleeasse.
    
    Andy
    

Re -.1, oh how wrong you are.

Hoddle and Waddle were indeed bad, but the most frequent and absolute
worst career crossover is actor->pop star and vice versa.

The accused: those two pillocks from Soldier Soldier
The crime: ruining a perfectly good song.  Having the gall to appear on
	   TOTP while being patently tone deaf.  Looking like nothing on earth.
The sentence: death

Past defendants:

Bruce Willis
Don Johnson
Keanu Reeves
Johnny Depp
Leonard Nimoy
Nichelle Nicols
Marilyn Monroe
(without even having to stop to think about it)
etc
etc

I can't wait for:

	I'm zingin, in da rain
	Yust zingin, in da rain
	Uzi nine millimeter!!!!!!


Guy

>    Anyway, next up, who's this? Toyah? 
    
hey, leave off, *I* like her!  (Despite the bloody awful `It's a Mystery',
but some bloke out of Hawkwind is responsible for that)

Anyway, I charge T'Pau with terrible over-production and generally being
pretentious.  The sentence is to tour with 2 Unlimited for 5 years.

Chris.

    Guy,
    
    Nope I'm afraid the actor-->singer crossover very rarely plumbs the
    depths of the footballer-->singer crossover. Lets face it, the Leonard
    Nimoy and William Shatner attempts are hilarious. Nobody could ever
    accuse Twaddle and the Queen of Golders Green (Glen Hoddle for the
    unitiated) of being funny. Sad and Pathetic, yes, funny, no.
    
    Apply that maxim to every footballer who has ever recorded a record,
    Fat Boy Gascoigne, Kevin Keegan, Ian Wright to name but three, and you
    find that each of their records is dull and uninspriring unlike their
    respective footballing abilities.
    
    Stuart

I would also like to accuse Michael Stipe of being the most hideous
person to ever be spawned.  Sentence: life, wearing a paper bag over
his head.  And preferably gagged.

Chris.

On a wholly unrelated subject I understand that William Shatnet once made
a vampire movie in Esperanto.  Maybe this was a kind of a surreal community
service, and that's how he evaded imprisonment for his heineous aural crimes.

Guy

    Hmm, I can see HM's prisons bursting at the seams ;-)
    
    OK, for being a sulky puss on Juke Box Jury (and getting licked in an
    argument with Alan Freeman!): Johnny Rotten/Lydon. And throw in his
    cronies for aiding, abetting...and not taking up nice, safe jobs at the
    bank!
    
    Dom

    William Shatner's version of Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds is totally
    the best thing ever recorded.  (maybe)
    
    He should only be saved from certain life imprisonment  by his
    performance in TJ Hooker and Airplane II.
    
    David Soul's "Let's have a quiet night in,  Together,  By the fire
    side"  wins him the electric chair
    
    BUT and I repeat BUT nothing compares to
    
    THE MIGHTY DAVID HASSLEHOFF's Recording career.  1st album Night Rider
    was a classic.  (David holding aloft a Westone guitar (about 150.00)
    in the vague shape of a Gibson Explorer.  With a lovely leather jacket
    (aka Michael Knight)  some rather attractive snakeskin boots and a
    wonderful pair of Cordouroy Hipsters on!) 
    
    Followed up in the Late Eighties with a song that they showed on going
    live,  can't remember the title but the Video was David riding through
    the Nevada Desert on a Harley and the song was basically a complete
    lift of YMCA (Village People) But cunning David had changed the lyric
    so that no-one noticed the similarity.
    
    
    Nigel 

    >> Followed up in the Late Eighties with a song that they showed on going
    >> live,  can't remember the title but the Video was David riding through
    >> the Nevada Desert on a Harley and the song was basically a complete
    >> lift of YMCA (Village People) But cunning David had changed the lyric
    >> so that no-one noticed the similarity.
    
    Was that the one where he's singing about 'his love' and his love ends
    up being a bloody sausage dog in his matocycle panier? What a concept
    eh? I bet the bloke who did the storyboard for that video was inundated
    with job requests from the Bestiality Club of California.
    
    Hah! Just shows you what a sense of humour the other Europeans have...
    
    

    ALSO I'd like to add.
    
    Michael Ball
    Michael Bolton (Formerly called Michael Bolitin and looked like a member of
    Vixen the sad ladies metal group)
    Curtis Stigers, 
    Glen Madeiros,
    Nick Berry,  
    VIXEN themselves, 
    Saxon,  
    
    Just off to get my black hat.  you know the rest.
    
    
    Nigel

    Michael Ball commited the worst sin ever by trying to be a pop star
    when he was an excellent stage star (Les Miserables, Phantom,
    Aspects..)  He should have just stuck to what he was good at, so I
    agree to the sentance to a degree (the others can all go..)
    
    Andrea

    David Hasselhoff is er, big in Germany is'nt he? Another example of 
    questionable teutonic taste is the popularity of The Kelly's, an 
    Irish version of the Cassidys, about 15 kids all from the same
    family who play "folk pop" to hysterical German audiences. They are 
    a working case study of the Vatican's ruling on contraception. Needless 
    to say you won't find "Jiffy in association with Durex presents The
    Kelly's" printed on yer ticket.
    
    Hard labour in Siberia all round.
    

    I have to admit that I don't know all these names that are flying
    around. However, a better case than Michael Bolton for bringing back
    hanging, drawing and quartering I've yet to see ;-)
    
    And while we're on the subjects of individual songs that are worth the
    death penalty alone, does anyone recall a little gem from the late 70s
    by a certain Adrian Gurvitz (he who teamed up with Ginger Baker in the
    Baker-Gurvitz army) called "Gonna Write A Classic"? It was one of those
    singer-songwriter ditties performed at the piano which are so dear to
    our cousins from across the water. I'll never forget the first two
    lines:
    
    "Gonne Write A Classic,
    Gonna write it in the attic"
    
    Can't speak for the rest of the song because I don't think I ever got 
    any further than that without hurling the radio out of the window.
    After "classic" and "attic", I used to fantacize about a second verse
    that rhymed "get some" with "flotsam and jetsam" ;-) Happy days.
    
    The guillotine.
    
    Dom

    'Cock-rock' i.e. all those late '80's Heavy-metal, long bleached curly
    hair type bands, where the lead guitarist would tend to be under the
    impression that his guitar was some form of penis extension. Dreadful
    songs, dreadful videos (usually full of scantilly clad girls and big
    motorbikes..or was it the other way round?)....hands up Whitesnake,
    Europe, Van Halen, etc.
    
    Paritcular mention should go to Def Leppard with the oh-so-clever
    lyric 'I suppose a Rock's out of the question' from the completely
    shite "Lets get rocked".
    
    Haircuts for all and 57 years each.
    
    Andy
    
    

    You can leave Van Halen out of it.  Up till the time that Dave Lee Roth
    left I can't think of a Rock outfit with a better sense of humour.
    
    Ice Cream Man,  what a classic.
    
    Now then Sammmy Hagar can fry in hell (although being a Rocker he'd
    probably like that)
    
    Yngwie J Malmsteen,  now there is someone up for a Gassing of ever I
    heard one.
    
    Bon Jovi - Stick them up against a wall aswell.  (I won't even mention
    Europe as I don't like to insult people with Mental Handicaps
    
    Nigel 

    What about the Renolds girls "I'd rather Jack than Fleetwood mack"
    and excellent song all round from the fine SAW stable..
    
    Andrea

I'd successfully managed to forget about that charming duo until you'd
mentioned it.  I think that the instigators, messrs SAW, should be
sentenced to life listening to Des O'Connor records.

Chris.

    Me dear old faves, The Alarm.

    I nominate Simon Le Bon and the remainder of Duran Duran. not only do
    they release a Cover Versions lp which decimates some fairly good
    songs, they have the nerve to write the crappiest couplet in the
    history of popular music:
    
    	"Don't say you're easy on me,
    	 You're about as easy as a nuclear war"
    
    Death by a thousand listens to Max Bygraves entire back catalogue.
    
    Stuart
          

>    	"Don't say you're easy on me,
>    	 You're about as easy as a nuclear war"

This is forgivable as there was a legal requirement for 
every early to mid eighties chart single to contain a
nuclear war reference.

+Mark+

>    What about the Renolds girls "I'd rather Jack than Fleetwood mack"

Fleetwood Mac, please.  As punishment, you must seek out Peter Green to
discuss the meaning of life.

Chris.

> you must seek out Peter Green to discuss the meaning of life.

Peter Green's is the finest winery/off license in Edinburgh.  Can I
volunteer to go there and discover the meaning of life?  Please?

BTW, the Reynolds Girls' punishment should be to listen to Albatross
1,000,000 times.  Or maybe simply to compare their bank statements
with those of members of Fleetwood Mac would be enough.

Guy

    re .25
    
    Mark,
    
    Sorry but the legal requirement didn't demand that pathetic love songs
    should include references to nuclear war. Hence the original sentencing
    stands...
    
    Stuart

    Who's Peter Green??
    
    Andrea (a bit dim)

    Andrea,
    
    He is the man most likely to replace Robbie in TT....
    
    Stuart

    Golden Oldies Rolling Stones we don't want them back I'd rather Jack
    than Fleetwood *Mac* , what's happening to our radio,they never play
    the songs we know..
    
    Is this Peter bloke as handsome as Robbie then??- if he is point me in
    the right direction...
    
    How about Anita (Angie) singing Anyone who falls in Love to the tune of
    Eastenders, Sharon, kelvin etc can't even remember the song and Nick
    Rowan/Berry/Wicksey?? singing every looser wins..
    
    Andrea

Peter Green is one of the original members of FM.  He went a bit nutty in
the early '70s and wandered off muttering about life, materialism etc etc
and deliberately grew his fingernails extremely long to stop himself playing
the guitar.  He's now a recluse and claims to be skint, and yes, he's
probably more attractive than Robbie with his matted hair and wild beard.

Chris.

>    Eastenders, Sharon, kelvin etc can't even remember the song and Nick
>    Rowan/Berry/Wicksey?? singing every looser wins..
    
I recently inherited Liz's record collection, and was delighted to discover
that it contained the Shaz & Kelv record, as I now constantly use it to
wind her up.

Chris.

    Andrea,
    
    Peter Green was probably the greatest ever British Blues Guitarist.
    
    Therefore,  by definition should be shot on sight.
    
    Nigel

    The idea of Peter Green replacing Robbie in Take That is about as much
    as my brain can stand today. Stuart, you are a sick man. 
    
    Dom

    Dom,  that is Peter Green,  creator of the Woolacombe Beat which was a
    spin off of the previous Ilfracombe and Puttsborough Sound isn't it!!
    
    Nigel 8^)

    The very same (why, is there another Peter Green?)
    
    Dom

    Dom,
    
    >The idea of Peter Green replacing Robbie in Take That is about as much
    >as my brain can stand today.
    
    I thought the image of Peter Green prancing around the stage with
    the remaining members of TT in a latex outfit which I'm led to believe
    the said popular beat combo where, was hilarious.
    
    > Stuart, you are a sick man.
    
    On second thoughts, may be you're right...
    
    Stuart

    Points of note from the sad muso's at Digital at Kleinwort Benson....
    
    1) For all you pre-pubescents out there Robbie has "habits" that are'nt
       in keeping with the clean cut image of the Fab Four.... (Discuss)
    
    2) Peter Green is alive and well and living in Richmond with his mum.
       He can be found sitting near the gents toilets on the green... 
       I jest not...
    
    3) Mr Greenbaum (as his bank manager calls him) recorded a couple of
       albums in the 1980's.....
    
    4) Lest we forget the other fallen heroes of "The Mac"... Danny 
       Kirwan and Jeremy Spencer.... Too much heavy european acid circa
       1970 man....
      	  
    Barry (wid a little help from installs team)   

   I would sentence Phil Collins to 30 years bashing the skins at 
   Billy Smart's Circus.  Why? Well if just simply being Phil Collins
   is not enough, how about - angst ridden crap love songs - angst
   ridden crap , sympathising with the poor, songs - and his
   tour de force...jetting from London to Philadlephia for Live Aid ( well
   certainly helped the starving millions )...what a plank.

   A heavy fine should be paid by Eric Clapton, for going from fine
   rock guitarist to played out purveyor of pap muzak. Knopfler
   should receive a similar punishment.

   All heavy metal bands - without exception.
 
   Emerson , Lake and Palmer ( Sad, Sad & Sad) and all the  lot like 
   them - a special mention for Yes is in order.


   Later,

   Stuart

    Hmm, these Nuremburg music trials are getting a bit like a Stalinist
    purge (I think Stuart reduced the population of the world by 50% in
    that last note). Still, abolishing heavy metal bands is probably as
    humane a measure as I've heard recently.
    
    As self-disappointed defender of Eric Clapton, I'd have to admit that
    he didrather water down his act from the late seventies to about 2
    years ago, but I'd like to think that he's now back to his healthy
    60s/early 70s self. Or are we going to play at being MM/NME journalists
    and slam people because they're over the age of 30? I think his modest,
    unpretentious manner should also be taken into account (add another 2
    years onto Monsieur Lydon's sentence).
    
    Anyway, in these times of overcrowded prisons why waste space on the
    likes of EC when you could be cramming in the PSB and the NKOTB?
    (No prizes for guessing.)
    
    I'd also like to take this opportunity to launch a personal crusade
    against all practicants of 'murican stadium rock � la REO Speedwagon, 
    Styx, Journey ("Hey Philadelphia, are you having a real cool time?"). Ten 
    years to the lot of them and 5 years to all their scarf-waving fans.
    
    Phew...hard work this prosecuting ;-)
    
    Dom
          
    P.S. Peter Green (all bow) has also given recent interviews to one or
    two guitar magazines. No mention of Take That, but maybe he's just
    keeping his options open.
                               

There must be some really nasty thing we could do to "Christian Rock" groups.  
It's pointless killing them, cos they just think that they'll be better off in 
heaven.  Something particularly nasty or antichristian has to be done.  Maybe 
you could brand an invertedc cross on their foreheads (a la Glen Benton of 
Deicide), or something.

    There should be a special section for all creators of:
    
    @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ J A Z Z   R O C K @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
    
    Alan Holdsworth and should be sentenced
    
    (sparing Al Di Meola who isa complete genius for creating the best
    album to have sex to ever in "Soaring Through A Dream"  It's completely
    pretentious but good for a lay
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    

> for creating the best album to have sex to ever in "Soaring Through A Dream"

One assumes you haven't tried Motorhead then?  I suppose considering the
judgement passed on all heavy metals bands a few notes back you'd better
step to it before they get shot.  Do Motorhead count as heavy metal?

Guy

    I grant Lemmy & Co eternal Get out of Jail Cards. I'll not have a bad
    word said about them.
    
    Barry.

    I give Wurzel from Motorhead Life Imprisonment for leaving Motorhead
    and forming some Industrial Dance Band.  (Bit 5 minutes ago that isn't
    it)
    
    I would like to sentence OASIS, BLUR,  BLACK GRAPE et al to the Chair.
    because it would be a good laugh.
    
    Nigel 
    
    
    

>    I give Wurzel from Motorhead Life Imprisonment for leaving Motorhead
>    and forming some Industrial Dance Band.  (Bit 5 minutes ago that isn't
>    it)
    
Wurzel is repreived for once buying me a drink.

Chris.

    Any group of 8-14 year olds that try to be the equivalent of the
    Jackson 5.  I hate the Jackson 5 (IMHO) and these copycat attempts
    drive me nuts, Ultimate Kaos are the latest I think.
    
    Sentence :- 5 years as backing singers to any heavy metal band. Never
    done, I know, but at least we'd never hear them !
    
    Euan

    >Any group of 8-14 year olds that try to be the equivalent of the
        Jackson 5.  I hate the Jackson 5 (IMHO) and these copycat attempts
        drive me nuts, Ultimate Kaos are the latest I think.
    
    Bit of an easy target that isn't it.  
    
    These sort of bands have always existed and always will,  they're not
    criminals,   just stupid!!
    
    
    I would like to sentence the Marketing Dept's for their record co.s
    first.  At least they are adults and should know better.
    
    
    I would like to sentence Blur and Oasis for taking part in this stupid
    bickering that is remeniscent of Spandau Balet vs Duran Duran or The
    Osmonds vs The Bay City Rollers.  500 years hard labour.
    
    Plus 500 years to Blur for watching Quadrophenia and believing it so
    much that they overnight became mods.
    
    Plus 600 years to Oasis for sounding like Status Quo and trying to
    convince everyone that wearing a pair of adidas trainers is cool.
    
    
    Nigel

Nah, the Quo are cool...

    50 years each for:
    
    Greg Lake
    Keith Emerson
    Carl Palmer
    
    for refusing to bury ELP and instead reforming.
    
    Balders

200 years for those idiots who go;

"Boom boom boooom, nowletmehearyousay Wayoh;  Wayooooh!".   Stick 'em in the 
same room as Vivaldi, who's in there for writing the 4 seasons a.k.a. the 4 
tunes, repeated over and over and over.....

    20 years on a bomb disposal squad for Jim Kerr for slaughtering the
    tune of "She Moved Through the Fair" in order to bring us "Belfast
    Child".
    
    And while I'm on that subject, 20 years for the Christian for nicking
    the tune to "My Lagan Love" for "Words".
    
    Bastards the lot of them.
    
    Balders

    >Nah, the Quo are cool..
    
    One would be inclined to disagree with you there,  Quo started off
    cool,  then degenerated and then became cool again and now are slipping
    back into white trainers and stretch jeans ville again.
    
    Nigel

    
    Any standard American drivel ie Bruce Springsteen,Aerosmith,Courtney
    Love etc 100 yrs
    
    Pj

    Pj
     Hell of a cross section there !!!!. 
    
    Alright Paul, How about The Stranglers for becoming a sad cabaret act
    who should have split six months before "Aural Sculpture". Same for the
    Damned. 10 years listening to their first two albums so they realise
    how sad they have become.
    
    		Stretch.  

    >Any standard American drivel ie Bruce Springsteen,Aerosmith,Courtney
    >Love etc 100 yrs
    
    I agreed with Bruce,  however Aerosmith are repreived as is Courtney.
    
    
    I would like to see the criminalizing of all of the Soppy Black "I've
    got a nice short hair cut,  pencil moustache,  and clean suit shite aka
    Luther Vandros et al.  I would also like the total abolition of Girl
    Singers such as Vanessa Williams and Celine Dion and any other music
    listened to by Essex Girls/Boys and people that hang out at TGI
    Fridays.
    
    Better still lets just abolish TGI Fridays,  That should destroy the
    sales of Kouros and Paco Rabanne for a while until these sad pathetic
    individuals find some other plastic enhanced over glorified Burger
    Joint to drink and hang out in.
    
    Nigel

>200 years for those idiots who go;

>"Boom boom boooom, nowletmehearyousay Wayoh;  Wayooooh!".   Stick 'em in the 

Naah, given the lyrical content of most of their album output (unbroadcastably
sexist) I think they deserve thirty minutes in the offices of Spare Rib.
I think they'd come out singing like that Ultimate Chaos lot :-)

Guy

    
    re:.57
    
    Waaaaaaaaaaaah.
    
    >>I agreed with Bruce, however Aerosmith are repreived as is Courtney.
    
    No way!  Aereosmith are a million miles away from the kak that Courtney
    Love sponges off.
    
    
    Chris.

    We're agreed on Bruce though...

    Being from The Boston_Area...I Gotta Tell Alla You Limeys...
    
        GET OFFA AEROSMITH!!!
    
    
       Crazy_They_Rule_Al

Death by dissection for all the "ragga" (I think that's what it's called) stuff 
where you think it's a decent enough pop song, and some idiot with a 
cod-Jamaican accent comes in and does his ribby-dibby-ribby-dibby-doo-baa-day 
crap all over it.  Pato Banton gets first sentence, closely followed by the 
rest of them.  Kermit gets a temporary reprieve, as he's probably quite cool 
seeing as how he hangs out with Bez, an' all.

    
    >> We're agreed on Bruce though...
    
    NO we're bloody not!!!
    
    Bruce is er.. innocent OK?

    I nominate Gary Barlow..    (for 200 years heterosexual labour)

    Matthew

    I nominate Bjork for being pretentious and crap.. 50 years jamming with
    TAke That..
    
    Andrea

15 all...

    The last Waterboys album was pretty poor in view of the what has gone
    on before. I must admit that Mr Mike Scott was very near to being cast
    into the Nuremburg Music Trials for the particular track 'Corn Cirles',
    which was the biggest pile of tosh I have ever heard. Scott witters
    on about who created the 'Circles' with something along the lines
    of "Pixies, witches, demons, take your pick!"
    
    He has got off however due to his very good previous.
    
    Andy
	

    re-1
    
    with you on that one...that last waterboys lp was complete garbage. 
    His new songs that he played at Glastonbury this year were a lot
    better.  
    
    mikef

    Celine Dion, for releasing a bloody French song in England - what's the
    point in that !
    
    Daft cow, off with her head.
    
    Gary$Dazed_and_Confused
    

    And while we are on the subject, more of the same for Vanessa Paradis -
    not only did she sing in French, but she sung about a bloody taxi
    driver !
    
    gary

    I'm sorry Gary but I can't agree with you there. I will keep Vanessa
    Paradis in solitary confinement and she will perform .........
    underwear...........erm..........Hugh Grant ............GRRR
    RRR..........acts..........perverted.......
    
    
    I'm sorry, I'll leave now......Oh, Vanessa, Joe Le Taxiiii !!!!!
    
    
    Ian$Sad_sod!!
    

    
    Blimey. Not a mention of Bryan Adams? 
    
    Mark

    Nope but how about Dollar?