[Search for users] [Overall Top Noters] [List of all Conferences] [Download this site]

Conference 7.286::golf

Title:	Welcome to the Golf Notes Conference!
Notice:	FOR SALE notes in Note 69 please! Intros in note 863 or 61.
Moderator:	FUNYET::ANDERSON

Created:	Tue Feb 15 1994
Last Modified:	Fri Jun 06 1997
Last Successful Update:	Fri Jun 06 1997
Number of topics:	2129
Total number of notes:	21499

1383.0. "Winter blues reduction." by MACNAS::SPOMPHRETT () Wed Oct 23 1991 08:46

With winter rolling in and golfing opportunities diminishing, I enter the 
    attached article, which is copied without permission from the 
    commemorative program issued last Sunday for the official opening of
    the new 18 hole course at my local club. I trust this light hearted
    look at golf will ease some of the pain of withdrawal from active
    participation over the next few weeks.
    
 Sean
    
    
    
There are many mysteries of nature which cannot be explained or understood, and
one of these must be the crazy pastime of Golf. First devised by a Scottish 
distiller in order to drive more people to whisky drinking, it has succeeded
beyond his wildest dreams. 

Somebody has said that golf is a funny game. For those who have never played, 
it must be a source of amusement to watch otherwise sensible, intelligent 
and temperate men and women of all shapes, sizes and ages go into a trance as 
they prepare to strike a little white ball with a peculiar instrument known as
a golf club. What tricks that little ball can perform - fall from tees, take a 
sudden turn left or right of its intended line of flight coming to rest in 
knee-high grass. Pity the poor handicap golfer, o ye humans. The game is, and 
will be claimed by the addicts to be, a great form of relaxation. Of course, 
this is definitely true of the 19th hole - so why not go directly to the 19th 
and stay there?

It is certainly funny and amusing for the onlookers, and who can blame them as 
they watch those staid, intelligent level headed citizens from all walks of 
society, clad in multi-coloured apparel like fancy dress competitors or circus
clowns, trying to propel that little white ball towards a small, and very 
elusive, hole in the ground.

A gentleman's game? A sportsman's game? Not blooming likely! Who has not often
detected that half smile or subdued chuckle from opponents when the ball sails
out of bounds, or when the short putt is missed. 

I have personally tried to solve this mystery of nature and discover what drives
those sensible people to frenzies and danger of heart attacks simply because 
that ball pulls up an inch from a hole it might have dropped into. I have come 
to the conclusion that it is simply a disease, a chronic form of mental illness.
So, to preserve sanity, and in the interest of the health of the nation, some 
safeguards must be introduced. I suggest some rule changes before the government
is compelled to ban the game on the grounds that it is a health hazard. 

The following amendments to rules and penalties should therefore be considered:
1. Fresh Air Shot: A ball falling from the tee without having been hit should be
   deemed to be of  a nervous disposition - or the tee was faulty in design. The
   player is allowed to replace it without penalty.
2. Wayward shots: All shots that curve to the right or left should be returned 
   to the fairway at the furthest point of flight since this left or right 
   curvature is frequently an uncontrollable mechanical phenomenon resulting 
   from friction between the club face and the cover of the ball. The player 
   should not be penalised for this reaction.
3. A ball striking a tree shall be deemed not to have struck a tree unless the
   player declares that it was deliberately aimed for. In the latter case, the 
   player shall be congratulated on his accuracy. In the former, he shall be 
   allowed to replace his ball and replay the shot without penalty.
4. Out of Bounds: If a player attests that it was not his intention to hit the 
   ball out of bounds, then it is obviously a piece of bad luck, which has no 
   place in a scientific game. The player is then allowed to estimate the point
   to which the ball would have traveled had it not gone out of bounds, and to 
   play his next shot from that point without penalty.
5. Lost Ball: There is no such thing as a lost ball. The ball is somewhere and 
   will eventually be picked up by someone other than the owner, thus becoming
   a stolen ball. A player suffering a stolen ball shall be entitled to volumes
   of sympathy from his partner and fellow competitors. In such circumstances it
   would be most unsporting to have the player lose a shot in addition to 
   having a ball stolen. (Indeed the Club Secretary should consider making 
   restitution for the stolen ball.)
6. A Putted Ball: A putted ball that passes over the hole without dropping shall
   be deemed to have been holed out since the occurrence shall be held 
   contrary to the Laws of Gravity, which supercede the Laws Of Golf.
7. A Hesitant Ball: A ball that reaches the brink of the hole and hangs there
   for want of a half or quarter turn to cause it to drop shall be deemed to 
   have made the extra turn so that the player will be spared the humiliation
   of registering his disgust and disappointment by bodily contortions, gestures
   and undignified behaviour.

T.R	Title	User	Personal Name	Date	Lines
1383.1		MRKTNG::VARLEY		`Wed Oct 23 1991 09:24`	9
	When I play with better players, I try to use a little humorous "Psychological warfare" after they hit one of those irritating, "Perfect" shots by invoking the "Straight ball rule," i.e. "Failure to curve the ball in flight shall result in a penalty of two shots. The shot shall be re-played from point of inception." People look at you like you're crazy, until they realize that this is a thinly veiled compliment on their shotmaking... --Jack
1383.2	Uniform Greenskeeping Rule	SIERAS::MCCLUSKY		`Wed Oct 23 1991 12:06`	20
	While playing last Sunday at a public course in a pick-up foursome, my wife and I saw an interesting practice in a fellow from Texas. Apparently in Texas, the rough does not grow as high as it does here in California. Each time this chap hit off the fairway (which was rather frequently) and his ball came to rest in long grass, he placed a tee under it in such a manner as to not expose the tee, but high enough to improve the shot as much as possible. Which gives rise to my suggestion that if the Greenskeeper has failed to cut the grass to a uniform height at the spot my ball rests, I should not be penalized for his poor work ethic and lazy habits; therefore, without penality I may do my own groundskeeping and/or improve my lie with artificial means. Can't resist a comment on the base note, "What is this about the season coming to an end? I thought my local course was in excellent shape and now with some of the cooler weather I can choose whether I want to wear shorts, plus fours, or long slacks when I play in November, December, January, February and March. Big Mac
1383.3	Hat or no hat ?	RAYBOK::COOPER	One-ton Tomato !	`Wed Oct 23 1991 18:16`	7
	You know Mac, the people on the "cold" coast sometimes get defensive when we talk about the lenght of our playing season (endless) !! My big decision is if the sun has moved towards the equator enough that I don't have to wear a hat when I play !! Probably get the long pants out for those rounds between November and February. Mad Hacker 8^)
1383.4		NEWPRT::JOHNSON_DO		`Fri Oct 25 1991 17:17`	12
	Hack and One-ton I have the same problem. I had to wear long pants the other day because the sea breeze coming off of the ocean in San Clemente was a little cooler than the 72 degree air temp. I did wear a hat thought because I was afraid that the ozone layer might be thinner that close to the ocean. My concern is that with all of the talk of El Nino, we may have to learn to play on beautifully green and damp courses this winter, and my rain gear may need an upgrade from an umbrella and a hat to a wide brim hat and rain pants. SoCalDandy
1383.5	If winter come...	VERGA::F_MCGOWAN		`Tue Oct 29 1991 20:31`	21
	To return to the topic (ahem): I can certainly attest to the mind-bending properties of this alleged game, having suffered through one of the most unrelievedly miserable seasons since I first became afflicted. I started lousy, and as the summer progressed (!), got worse: the harder I swung, the shorter the shots; the more I concentrated, the more easily I was distracted; the more I fought to control my temper, the fouler it got. It was with a sense of profound relief that I flung the clubs into the far corner of the basement last Saturday afternoon, after another rotten round (what's worse than taking "pickups" on almost half the holes, and losing nine [9] balls in the bargain?). I knew that my season had come to a merciful end, and that I had a nice long relaxing winter to look forward to. How sweet it is! No golf till Spring of '92... Of course, if the weather gets a little warmer by this weekend... Aaargghh!!! Frank
1383.6	Don't give up my friend!!!	RTOMP1::DECUS		`Thu Oct 31 1991 10:41`	13
	Hi Frank, don't give up and loose your temper. As I can read inbetween your lines, you must be a enthusiastic golfer. I don't know where you are located that you have a break until Spring, however, we in Germany in the Munich area we play Golf on Winter Greens until we get snow ( even we need a hammer to get the TEEs in!!) Crazy people these golfers. We in Munich have founded a Digital GolfClub this summer a we had our first tournament last weekend with lots of fun. We have players from handicap 12 to 36. We have conact with our digital golfers in Scotland, Ireland and Valbonne/France. Have a good time and be sure, all golfers in the world feel sometimes like you. Have a good new season!!!! Rita from Munich
1383.7	A devilish game, to be sure	VERGA::F_MCGOWAN		`Thu Oct 31 1991 20:44`	29
	rep. -1: Rita, I would agree that I'm an "enthusiastic" golfer. I used to harbor the illusion that I had a reasonable degree of ability, but the empirical evidence of the past season is hard to refute: I am a Hacker! They say the truth shall set you free, but it's pretty hard to swallow all that freedom in one gulp. Maybe several months off is the best cure. Sam Snead (or maybe it was Jimmy Demaret) once advised one of his less-promising students to "lay off golf a couple of weeks. Then quit." Anyway...I'm amazed that you play winter golf in Munchen. I was there in late December about 10 years ago (on my way to and from Innsbruck and Venice), and I don't remember seeing any golf courses. Of course, I wasn't looking for golf courses. I do remember being awakened at midnight on New Year's Eve by fireworks in the Marienplatz...quite startling, I must say. I also remember that I had one of the best pizzas of my life in Munich! A truly beautiful city, which I'd dearly love to visit again (maybe in the summer with my clubs). Thanks for the encouragement. Frank P.S. My wife and I also visited the two-steepled church (one steeple being a metre shorter than the other, I'm told), and saw the Devil's footprint. Satan was supposedly angered because of the way the windows were arranged and stamped his foot, leaving an indeligible impression in the floor of the vestibule; but I don't recall the story. Was it because he couldn't see his reflection?
1383.8	Golfing in Muenchen	RTOMP2::DECUS		`Mon Nov 04 1991 09:28`	17
	Hi Frank, nice, hearing from you so soon. Glad to read, that you and your wife liked Muenchen. Yes, we do have around Munich at least 30 - 40 new golf courses, only private ones....and of course very expensive. They ask from DM 15.000,-- up to 100.000,-, per person, not by a crowd. Nearby our Digital HQ we had the BMW International Masters on a coursouse called EICHENRIED, where all famous Americans, Australians, English/ Scottishmen and of course Bernhard Langer were on the tee. A week before, we had in Stuttgart, which is a drive from Munich of 2 hours, the Mercedes German Masters, which was won after sudden-death by Bernhard Langer. You can see, Golf is going to become very popular in Germany. I am off next Saturday to Scottsdale for two weeks. Hope, the weather will be fine, because I have already tee-time for all days. Have a good time....and whenever you intend to come over, pls. contact me well in advance. Best regards out of Muenchen. Rita
1383.9	Just a bit too costly, I'm afraid	VERGA::F_MCGOWAN		`Thu Nov 07 1991 20:09`	10
	Rita, I envy you your trip to Scottsdale. Lots of good/great courses in the area. If you're looking for something not too expensive, try Dobson Ranch in Mesa. Nice public course. Sorry I got the spelling wrong (Meunchen)....couldn't figure out how to get the umlaut over the u (� - aha! COMPOSE, u and the double quote). Based on what you said about the cost, I don't think I'll bother bringing my clubs next time I get there! Frank
1383.10	I'll get it right yet	VERGA::F_MCGOWAN		`Thu Nov 07 1991 23:07`	4
	Sorry, Rita - I still managed to misspell M�nchen (Muenchen). But I'm pretty good in English! Frank
1383.11	Scottsdale area	RTOMP2::DECUS		`Wed Nov 27 1991 12:30`	16
	Hi Frank, thanks for your information. I just returned from Scottsdale and I must admit, it was great. I stayed at the Phoenician Resort and played the course serveral times. ( not toooo bad ). Then I played Ocotillo, also very intersting, Gold Canyon and of course I had the pleasure playing one of the Desert Mountain courses. It was a dream!!! I was scheduled for more courses, unfortunately due to a death in the familiy, I had to return immediately. But, you can be sure, I will return next year to Scottsdale and although playing the Sedona Course, which was recommended as well. I had a great time and the climate was super. Other outstanding course like Boulders, Troon and Troon North can be recommended. Don't miss such courses in your golf-Life. Best regards out of misty and chilly Munich. Rita