Conference misery::feline_v1

    Unbelieveably GREAT!  
    
    Thanks for entering it - you made my day!
    
    E.T.

    Great, but they forgot one:
    
    For TV Watchers, position yourself so as to block out the entire
    screen. If person moves, adjust position of tail to blockout whatever
    little  of the screen person could see.
    
    Deb

    Yeah Deb, how about 3 of them sitting on top of the TV with three
    tails hanging down covering the screen & swishing because they
    are looking at a mosquito on the wall behind the TV?
    
    E.T.

    One more......
    
    When person is working on lap loom, try to position yourself right
    under it and try to catch the needle or hook when they push it through.
    
    If that fails, try to catch the yarn or thread through the holes
    in the loom.
    
    Sandi
    
    

And of course, when your person is typing on the computer, assist by pressing
various keys along with the human....your human really appreciates this.
    

    Phone rules- if your person is on the phone and in a sitting position,
    claw your way up their legs til you reach their lap.  Scream at
    the top of your lungs until person on other end of the phone can
    hear you.
    
    It your person is on the phone and in the standing position, claw
    your way up their body and then make like a marsupial and hang on
    for dear life, screaming at the top of your lungs.
    
    If all else fails, wait until your persons back is turned and then
    leap onto their touch tone phone, activating all the buttons until
    you locate the disconnect button...problem solved!
    
    Jo 

    
    
    ...and how many phone cords have you all replaced from furfaces
    with teeth?
    
    

    Add a couple more.....
    
    When your person arrives home with a guest, act like you haven't
    been fed in days.  Scream loudly and try to trip mom on her way
    to the kitchen.  After she gives you food, as she explains to guest
    that you are well fed, simply sniff, turn tail and walk away.
    
    Make sure to take a nap in the laundry basket, Of course only when
    its full of CLEAN clothes.  
    
    While your person is cleaning your box facility, act like you have
    got to use the box.  Scratch and meow a lot.  This makes the person
    rush to get the box back to you, possible spilling sand and/or water
    all over the place.  Then once you have the clean box, again like
    the food, sniff, maybe scratch a few times, then leave.  Don't use
    the box until the person has left the room.
    
    Linda (Sy's mom)

    If you do use the laundry basket (complete with clean, folded clothes)
    be sure that there are plenty of pairs of pantyhose & small folded
    items (ie: washcloths, etc) to play with when you wake up.

    and of course, be the FIRST to use the box after fresh litter is
    poured in - and do shoo shoo so the rest of your brothers and sistes
    know that you were the first one in!  Then, dig to China and scatter
    as much sand over the areas that mom just vacuumed.  sigh..
    And then if you are really in a snit because mom took your new
    square plastic sand box away to wash, head-bump the large bag of
    used litter (hmm, should I knock it over - or just tip it a little?).
    sigh, sigh.
    
    E.T.

    One more....... Help Mom when she is using the sewing machine by
    laying on the table and whishing your tail under the presser foot,
    or lay on the ironing board while it is being used, and let them
    work around you.  Both of these should be done with the look of,
    "What are you doing in my territory?" 
    
    Mocha's Mom 
    

About upchucking - if couch, chair, and oriental rug are not convenient,
by all means, rush to the nearest water bed, burrow under the pillows,
and upchuck there.....Mom will be SO HAPPY when she goes to bed and finds
the "little surprise" you've left for her...

				Tabby (who own's part of Aunt D)

    

    More sewing machine directions:  try to catch the spool of thread,
    it is there just for you to play with.  When your Mom is pinning
    things, insist on trying to roll near the pins;  this gives her
    needed exercise.  If she is unsporting enough to shut you out of
    the room, crouch down at the base of the closed door and wail; 
    extend your paw underneath the door if there is sufficient room.
    

    more on upchucking - wait until mom moves into brand new house,
    installs yards of brand new carpeting (gee, the pale blue in
    the bedroom looks like a GREAT place) and let go either on
    the blue or the burgandy(livingroom) or the new couches -
    either new one will be ok!  Of course, don't do it down
    in the cattery on the industrial-grade carpeting installed
    for that purpose!
    
    Misha_who_eats_too_fast_and_too_much_at_one_sitting_then_lets_go_
    then_stares_at_it_and_wonders_why_he_is_still_hungry! sigh

    Small metal objects [nail clippers, tiny scissors, mechanical pencils,
    forks, spoons, nutcrackers, cork pullers...] do not belong above
    floor level.  The people you own will try to keep these items on
    tables and counters.  DO NOT ALLOW THIS!! It is highly illegal.
    Sometimes these same people will use drawers and cupboards to try
    and hide their illegal activites.  If you see this happen, warn
    them LOUDLY.  If they do not listen, inform them that you have done
    _your_ part to keep the world free for democracy and stalk off in
    a snit.

    
    
    If mom brings home a date, be sure to turn your nose up at him
    and then proceed to pee on his leg.  After all, mom IS your 
    territory and you don't want to share attention with some stupid
    male.
    
    Dazdee (I take care of unwanted disturbences)

    and yet another.....when mom is trying to sleep...come up right
    to her face, as close as you can get and, tickle her with your wiskers
    and purrrrrr as loud as you can....if that doesn't get her up to
    feed you, poke her eyes with your paw.....
    
    also, when mom is trying to file her nails, always try to swipe
    the nail file from her and run off with it in your mouth...... 

    
     Hop up onto the counter, bat eyeshadows, mascaras, applicators,
    off countertop.  Play hockey with lids to liquid make up or creams.
    STAND directly in front of make-up mirror and block view.  Rub up
    to mom's face and MAKE sure some of that fur gets caught in those          
    freshly - painted lashes!!!

    Grab mom's blusher brush and hide it.  Then, in the middle of the
    night, climb with it up on the bed and drop it on her face.  After
    all, that's where _she_ usually puts it.
    
    Marion's bunch

Glasses of water - teach your humans to NEVER leave a glass of water sitting
around by firmly placing your paw in the glass and pulling toward you....
the water will splash over you and the surrounding area quite satisfactorily,
forcing your human to get up, turn on the light, and mop up the mess...AND
dry you!  Great way to get cuddles in the middle of the night.

			Hannah, Sam, and Nicky

    Try to pluck eyebrows with brat standing on hind legs with front
    paws on the bathroom mirror, trying to grab the tweezers while you
    are plucking with their buddy curled up in the wet sink after
    you have washed.  Then take wet paws and leave wet paw prints
    everywhere!  Then try and go pottie - lift the toilet cover and
    try to sit down before cat bombs into bathroom and jumps hopefully
    on your lap not into toilet. sigh  You have to be quick to lift
    the cover, grab your pants, and sit quickly!  Practice makes purfect!
    or else very wet cat!

    Wait until your person pours herself a glass of soda - sit very
    quietly and just WATCH the bubbles.  When your person turns away,
    place paw in glass of soda and try to catch bubbles - maybe knock
    glass over - then run like crazy because your person is VERY MAD!

    
    more on phone rules:
    
    When your human is talking on the phone, s/he is not paying attention
    to you - unacceptable!  Start by getting onto the phone table next to
    the phone.  Ruuuubbb yourself in your human's face.  At this point,
    your human will disengage you and put you on the floor.  Jump back
    onto the table and position your head between the human's ear and
    the phone.  Push hard; this will usually result in the phone receiver
    being dropped onto the floor.  Your human will now pick up the phone,
    apologise to the human on the other end, and knock you off the table.
    It is now time to follow the phone wire to the phone jack.  If you
    are veeerrry clever with your teeth, you can remove the phone cord
    from the jack.  If you can't manage this, chewing the cord in two
    will usually end the conversation.
    
    Note that you should also choose telephone time to do the things
    your human likes least - jumping on the counter, harrassing the
    other pets, chewing on the plants.  This will disrupt your human's
    conversation and annoy the other party sufficiently that the phone
    call will end early.
    
    When your human *finally* hangs up the phone, act aloof - after
    all, you wouldn't want to encourage your favorite human to spend
    time talking on the phone!  Do not come when called, pull away when
    petted, scratch the sofa, ignore the cat food in the dish.  Give
    in if your human offers Pounce - everyone has their price!
    
    Cooking: 
    
    Cats are wonderful cooks, and should always attempt to help their
    humans with this task.  Climb into the bottom shelf of the fridge
    when mom opens the door, just to check for necessary ingredients.
    If there is steak there, drag it out onto the floor and help out
    the cook by removing it from the wrapper.  
    
    Jump onto the shelf and scatter the vegetables that have been cut
    up, especially if they are broccoli.  Do not eat them; everyone
    knows that broccoli are not food.
    
    When the cook is carrying bits of marinated chicken from the counter
    to the wok, perform intricate figure eight manuveurs between her/his
    legs.  When s/he drops the chicken (which s/he will if you've done
    your job), immediately drag the largest, messiest piece onto the
    carpet.
    
    And after the meal is prepared, be sure to help with the cleanup,
    too.  Make sure that everything in the garbage can actually belongs
    there.  Sometimes humans mistakenly throw out the styrofoam meat
    packing materials.  We all know that they belong elsewhere - shredded
    into tiny styrofoam bits under the dining room table!
    
    Rita (with help from Sulkitt, Tanya & Basil)

    Gardening rules:

	 If the  plant has many hangy-downy thingies, make sure they are
     trimmed to the proper length - approximately 2 inches in length. 

	 If there are any plants with big leaves, trim those too.  

	 Since you   have   now   trimmed  all  the  plants,  place  the
     'trimmings'  somewhere where mom will be sure to notice, like maybe
     on the bed, or the carpet, or in the laundry basket.

	 If there  are  any  pots  with dirt that is exposed, distribute
     this dirt unevenly over the floor and/or carpet around the pot.

	 If the  pot  is  big enough to sit in, use it for a litter box.
     Plants   seem   to   benefit  from  a  little  extra  watering  and
     fertilizing.

	 If there  are  any  plants  with  hairy  leaves,  rub your body
     against  the  leaves. Try to make the plant have as much hair on it
     as you.

	 If the  plant is not in the proper place, try to reposition it,
     preferably on the floor, upside down.

	 When mom  waters  the plants, be sure you help and redirect the
     water  away  from  the plant. After all, she really would prefer to
     water the windowsill and not the plant.

    
    It's the WEEKEND!
    
    What!  Mom wants to sleep!!  Oh no, she can't.  
    
    Time:  6:45 A.M. - initiate a scuffle with anyone near by & awake
                       if no one is awake, wake some one up.
    
           6:50        Mom Yells     -  ^&^F$F$%(*())(_
    
           7:00        Rest for a while
    
           7:45        Start another brawl - boy, beakies isn't even
                        ready - how long do we have to wait?  Yeah,
                         I know there is food down all the time, but
                          it's much more fun to wake mom up and start
                           her day off right by making her mad.
    
           7:50        Mom yells again - watch out - she's really mad.
                      
           8:00        Rest another little while.  Better cool it -
                        she's really mad.
    
           8:45        That's it - I'm bored - I WANT MY BEAKIES!!
                                          (kitty talk for breakfast)
                        I wonder how quick I can stir up the other
                         15 kids!    Maybe if we trash the living
                          room and the her bedroom, maybe she will
                           get up!  Oops, gotta run, and I mean run
                            she is throwing her slippers at us - she
                             thinks she is late for work - she just
                              realized that it's Saturday.  oh boy,
                               RUN, GUYS, RUN!  This was fun - let's
                                try it tomorrow, after all tomorrow
                                 is SUNDAY!
    
    Sasha, Koko, Nikolas, Alexander, Timothy, Yurii, Ivan, Lara, Miyagi,
    SilVee, Katenka, Pashenka, Misha, and Malinka.
    
    

    
    
    	another rule:
    
    	Never, never take a pair of earrings and hide them, always just
    	take one (1).  This way Mom always has alot of earrings, but
        none that match.  (of course these can be used by strange teenage
    	boys who like to wear one earring).
    
    	For their health - always hide the cigarette lighters.  If they're
    	not smart to quit on their own, you as their pet must help them!
    
    	The base note was great - I swear my cats have done them all.
     	I thoroughly enjoyed this note :-)
    
    
    	

    .. hmmmmm.. funny you should mention that.. I took Happy  to the
    groomers on Saturday.. and things went  well, she doe not like to
    be groomed.. wiggle , wiggle  etc.. this  was Happys
     1 st time at "miss desiree's".. so I went to pick her up..
    she was very glad to see me, and we came home. She immediately
    wnet into her "Feed me or else routine".. I DID .. and not tooo
    toooo long afterwards.. POOKIE AND I ARE SITTING on the sofa..
    relaxing and lo and behold.. she jumps up on the chair.. Pookie
    imeediately beomes very alert.. and starts to meowr, HAPPY JUMPS
    DOWN  Aand is wandering around , then YUP. gets sick all over
    the living room rug, and proceeds to repeat the performance
    on my kitchen rug, my bathroom rug etc.. as I trying to get her
    
    to console her.. etc.. well POOKIE was very concerned.. watching
    as a ta distance probably thinking, well maybe there is hope for
    you yet little sister, but I POOKIE THE PERSIAN-MCCURDY-MCGRATH
    WOULD NEVER HAVE DONE THAT ON THOSE RUGS.. I would have
    used mummys new one... hmm,,
    
    
    
    ... another thing to do.. is when daddy is packing to go to
    the gym/ helath place.. take one sox out of his bag.. and hide it!!!
    .. that way he will have to wear is old sweaty ones home.. and 
    then he will say to mummy.. where are my soxes?.. and she will
    say .. in  your bag.. at this point you put  it out where
    mummy will see it.. not daddy , just mummy.. and of course 
    she will ask did you do that.. don't admit it to anything
    just stare at her innocently. tee-hee..
    

    Since I have elevated hairballs to an art form, I want to mention
    that if you don't have time to make it to the sofa and have to upchuck
    on the rug, make SURE the projectile lands on the white part of
    rug.  On a patterned oriental, or my Mom's hand-hooked rya rug that
    came all the way from Denmark, this takes practice, but is well
    worth the artistic effort.
    
    Honey
    
    
    And a note from Honey's Mom...this note has absolutely made my day.
    I've been away for a couple weeks and this one has made me miss
    my guys antics soooo much!
    
    Mary (Down Under for 4 more days!)

    How could we have gotten this far without including directions for
    helping Mom make the bed?  Settle down right in the middle of the
    bed.  When Mom attempts to put a sheet or blanket on the bed, attack
    it at once.  Under no circumstances permit any layer of bedclothes
    to be completely attached.  If you do this well, you will wind up
    with one half of the bed completely made and one-half completely
    unmade, with yourself on the dividing line.
    

Of course, as all cats know, cashmire and pure wool sweaters are WONDERFUL
chew toys and should help use the time until Mom comes home from work....
she's so cute when she's hostile....

				Hannah, Sam, and Nick (D's owners)

    Of course, when you know Mommy is bringing people home after work,
    or she is having company,  you should decorate the house properly....
    
    	Knick Knacks and Unicorns scattered all over the rugs,  ash-trays
    	emptied on the chairs and couch, kitty-cat toys strewn through
    	the rooms and hallways, plants decorating the window ledges
    	or floor area, cat paw-prints all over the pretty glass table.
    
    DejaVu is such a love.....
    
    and Lightning is no `Miss Innocent' herself....
    
    
    Sandi (Lightning's and DejaVu's mom)
    
    

More etiquette tips from Jasper:
    
    When Mom has friends over and these friends are wearing sandals or
    open-toed shoes (because it's hot outside and their feet are really 
    smelly--the more smell the better), make sure you sniff the feet all 
    over.  Even be so obvious, but of course not rude, enough to stick
    your head inside the slightly dangling sandal/shoe.  This is just
    the trick to get the attention off the guests onto yourself.  And,
    Mom enjoys apologizing for our persistence.
    
    If you happen to be like me and LOVE to sleep in the bathroom sink,
    be sure to do this when Mom is getting ready for work.  True, you
    do get kicked out.  But, you can continue to irritate Mom by sticking
    your head in the sink when Mom is brushing her teeth.  This way
    she has work harder at finding a place to spit.  Then when that
    task is done, you can go back to napping in the sink....and I don't
    care if it's wet!!
    

    You have to make sure mom is in a sound sleep before you try this
    one.  Jump up on mom's vanity and knock off 1 bottle of beauty
    supplies.  Quicky jump down under the bed so when mom finnalyy gets
    her head off the pillow, she doesn't see you.  Be real still for
    5 minutes.  Then jump back up on the vanity and knock off a second
    bottle, again going quickly to hide under the bed.  Continue this
    procedure until either all the bottles are knocked off the vanity,
    or until mom gets up and decided to play "catch the kitty".  Mom
    will usually decide to play "Catch the Kitty" after 4 or 5 bottles.
    
    
    BTW, the most important rule is that any open bottles need be knocked
    off first.  And, depending on how close mom's vanity is to her bed,
    aim for mom's face.  After all, she's gonna be real ugly once you
    get her up to play that she'll probably want to put all her cosmetics
    on!

    a tip from Cardigan, to all of her long-haired kindred:
    
    Try to find a home with a fastidious short-haired cat.  This silly
    short-haired creature will adore you because you need SO MUCH grooming
    and get yelled at for urping hairballs on the carpet.  You can sit
    back and enjoy the attention, that feeling of always looking your
    best, and the peace of mind that you won't be scolded.
    
    [entered by Mother who finds it ironic that Milo [short-hair] requires
    Laxatone three times a week...]
    
      Ann

    Another rule: Making Beds
    
    Participate in this delightful activity by crawling under sheets
    at each stage of the process. And then of course, refuse to leave
    except by being dragged out by your human.

    
    
    What to do about dates, T.K.s hints :
    
    First, you have to make sure Mom's dates like you.  If they don't
    give you the beer cap and play fetch with you then the guys a jerk.
    You want him to give you more attention than he gives Mom.  
    
    Second, if Mom and date are staying in to watch a movie, be sure
    to be distracting by getting into as much trouble as possible. 
    If he takes his shoes off, put your beer cap in the shoe and grope
    for it.  If the shoe is really smelly, rub your face against it.
    
    Third, when Mom is getting her last kiss good-bye, take advantage
    of that open door and make a run for it!!!  This is sure to end
    the romantic evening the right way and cool her jets.  Don't let
    her catch you until their hormones have settled down and he is
    really going to leave.
    
    Fourth, IF MOM TAKES HIM TO YOUR ROOM, make sure you join them.
    And don't let her throw you out.  After all, its your room!
    
    T.K.!

    A tip from Sherlock for those whose Mommy wears contact lenses:
    
    
    Under no circumstances allow yourself to be locked out of the bathroom
    when your Mommy is cleaning her contacts.  She needs your help.  Sit on
    vanity counter or stand in sink and get your nose as close as possible
    to the contact lens.  You achieve expert status if you can actually
    touch your nose to the lens (Moms just love this especially if you do
    it just before she tries to put the lens in her eye).  Then sit there
    looking very innocent while she cleans the lens again.
    
    When she's rinsing it with saline solution make sure you continually
    wave your paw through the stream of solution coming out of the bottle.
    I've found that if you bother Mom long enough, she gives you empty
    Unisol bottles to play with; and, boy, do they make great toys!
    
    
    Another tip from Sherlock for kitties whose parents like jigsaw
    puzzles:
    
    The first thing to remember is that no human can put together a jigsaw
    puzzle without your assistance.  If you don't grab a piece or two and
    run off with them, the silly human will just sit there trying piece
    after piece after piece (well, I think you get the picture).  So, here
    are the steps to take to help your human with a jigsaw puzzle:
    
    1.  Jump up on table and assist in the sorting of the pieces by
    scattering them around with your paws or you can stick your nose in the
    pile and push them around.
    
    2.  Once your human has sorted the pieces, resort them into mixed piles
    remembering to place some of the pieces on the floor for later use.
    
    3.  Once the puzzle is under way, lay down on it.  This gives the human
    an excuse to take a break.
    
    4.  When human decides to work on puzzle again and moves you onto the
    floor, be sure to grab some pieces with your paws and teeth as you go. 
    Then use them for hockey pucks or hide them.  Humans just love looking
    for tiny little puzzle pieces.
    
    5.  If human gives up (or manages to finish the puzzle) and decides to
    take it apart and put the pieces back in the box, sit there staring at
    the pieces and your human with a look that says "I did all that hard
    work and you're messing it up by breaking the pretty picture into
    little tiny pieces and putting them in a box?!?  How could you?  Just
    see if I ever help you with a puzzle again!"  (Which of course you must
    do the very next time your human decides to put one together.)
    
    
    Sherlock

    Karen, if only kitties could talk and write!!  
    
    Hey T.K., could you tell us a story or two????

    When your person is brushing their teeth jump up onto their shoulders
    to help.  Obviously they are not doing it exactly correctly, and
    need a cat's paw to make sure the brush is in the proper position.
    Also, you must catch as much of the dripping toothpaste on your
    paw as possible so as to keep the sink clean.  And most importantly,
    purr lots, to let them know that you're really enjoying helping
    them, and roll around on their shoulders and back until you start
    to slip and they have to "help" you off them.  After all, they didn't
    really want to brush their teeth in the first place.  ;-)
    
    Tristan.

    
    	One more that we all forgot:
    
    	Wait till Mom buys a big bag of the food you usually like, then
    	decide to hate it.  That way she is stuck with a big bag of
    	food that gets stale.  Whenever she puts it in your dish, sniff
    	it disdainfully like it is such garbage, then lay around underfoot
    	like a rug till Mom trips over you.  Only eat it when your starving
    	and she is not looking.  
    

    This only works in really hot weather.
    
    Position yourself with your fur allover your humans skin and in
    front of the fan.
    
    If bounced down get right back up again.
    
    Works best at 90 degrees 90% humidity!