Conference turris::womannotes-v3

    I becaame one of the 8% the hard way this year.  I don't ever expect to
    see my first ex have a courteous thing to say to or about me.  We will
    always have two daughters in common and therefor a link, whether we
    like it or not. 
    
    For my part, I wish she would find someone else to occupy her attention
    and anger.  I also wish her well, though it has been made abundantly
    clear that she does not wish anything good for me.  Her attitude has
    cost her more than she knows, our daughters want to have little or
    nothing to do with her.  The eldest refuses to call or write and the
    youngest will occassionally call but MUST be reminded and even pushed a
    little to send birthday, mothers day and Christmas cards.  
    
    In my upcoming second divorce I have hopes that, since children are not
    involved between us, that we will be able to break our ties and go on
    to live our own lives as we need/wish to.  Then again, I could be
    wrong.  I'd be interested to hear how it works (or doesn't work for
    couples without offspring who divorce.
    
    8-}
    jimc
    

I never felt that I owned my husband, but rather it's the hurt I felt
    that he could love another as he had once did me.  And that I could
    love another as well.  Why call it ownership when in fact it's just
    plain jealousy and hurt.   Rather than owned, I think that involved
    couples owe each other respect and mutual concern for each other.
     
    About the children welfare, it's important to keep that foremost,
    however, it's very hard for the divorced parents to really hide
    their feelings.  To not pay attention to the parents welfare at
    the same time, will come out in the attitudes of these parents and
    then onto the kids.  So to just keep tossing aside these couples
    does effect their children.  The whole family needs to be addressed.

    After an 8 year separation, I *define* the perpetual divorce!

    E Grace

Gosh E, you beat me. I was only separated 4 years before my divorce. Anyway, on
the topic. I didn't have children but my husband's bill paying habits are still
haunting me. I just ended up sending him $100 a month ago to get the creditors
to stop calling me. A divorce takes away none of your financial obligations.
Even putting it in the decree doesn't make much difference. One of the creditors
basically told me - so what? 

The man I am dating has kids and I often go over with him to his ex-wife's for
pickup. When we drop his son off I sometimes feel as if he (the father) can
hardly bring himself to leave. Luckily I get along quite well with the ex and
he does to. I'm not too sure he isn't still "in" love with her but that's just
another part of the perpetual divorce. Broken families, broken hearts and
broken lives. liesl

    Well, I got divorced 15 years ago, and my ex husband was definately not
    shafted!  He got the property in total and a very, very small
    maintenance order.  I was advised I was mad, but hell, I just wanted to
    be on my own with my 2 year old son and get the unfaithfull so and so
    out of my life!
    
    I made sure my son kept in touch with his father, ie phone calls,
    cards, presents for birthdays and christmas.  I figured if I tried to
    turn him against his dad, it would backfire on me one day.  My son is
    now 17 and has a reasonably good relationship with his dad.  I
    (thankfully) no longer have to deal with my ex 'cos my son is old
    enough now to keep the contact going, but, I feel my son has had the
    minimal amount of hurt from our divorce (all kids must suffer so much
    pain when parents split), however, I feel I did not make it any worse
    than it had to be.  His subsequent wives have been okay to my son and
    that is all that matters to me.
    
    My present husband's divorce however will continue for ever I think! 
    His ex wife is a woman scorned and will do all to cause trouble with
    kids etc., 
    
    My theory is "life's too short" for bitterness, we're only here for a
    short time so why waste it.
    
    I seem to have rambled here, sorry, however, as long as children are
    involved, it is impossible to dis-associate yourself with your ex until
    they are old enough to keep the relationship going themselves.

    My son is now 18.  We separated when he was 5, and had joint physical
    custody for 6 of the 12 years we've been divorced.  I don't expect him
    to *ever* be completely "off the map" of my life - although our contact
    is less and less.  But he was there for high school graduation.  He'll
    be there for his wedding, if there ever is one.  Vacation time will
    always have to be split between us, somehow, and organized so that I
    don't visit my son when my ex is visiting his son.  But the child has
    two parents, and deserves to love and know both of them.  So I swallow
    hard and recite that line, and do my best to go forward without rancor.
    
    When my ex remarried I was very jealous for about 6 months.  Not of him,
    nor of her, but that he had found someone special and I was still
    alone.  She and I went out for lunch once, just the two of us, to
    discuss my son, her role in his life, my wishes and her needs.  It
    helped, quite a bit.  She did a lot of the coordinating of visits and
    the like when they left the area.  It helped me to deal with her and
    not my ex, and probably helped him.  Less baggage to work through.
    
    Hope this helps, at some level.  Like losing someone to death, over 
    time the hurt is less sharp and immediate, but there seems to always be
    a small sore spot which must be protected.
    
    Alison

    As someone who is both a custodial parent and now married to a
    non-custodial parent I tend to always see both sides of the issues.
    Because I was a single parent for several years, I understand what
    my husbands ex went through as a single parent herself. I believe she
    may have had some jealousy toward me at first but they had been
    divorced for many years.  We get along fine now and I would rather deal
    with her when making plans for the kids than have my husband do it. He
    never gets the details right. I also had a few jealous moments myself. My
    husband and his ex will always share their love for their children. But
    thats as it should be.  My ex and I will always share my son.  
    
    My ex has a girlfriend.  I like her and  think she's the best thing for
    him.  He's sees his son more when he's with her.  
    
    I agree with .6 in that "life is too short".  I don't have the time or
    energy it takes to be bitter or angry.   Life IS what you make it.  
    
    Just my .02 cents.
    
    joan

    
    
         I also became divorced fifteen years ago.  I have a daughter 
         that is 18 years old.  I have found over the years that trying 
         to balance a full time career and raising a family was 
         difficult.  
         
         The responses have been wonderful to read.  I also believe that 
         the child's feelings and security come first.  Also, the concept 
         of "Family" does need to be addressed and redefined since so 
         many families consist of a single parent.
         
         Michelle

    
    My husband is divorced & still gets on very well with his ex. They see
    one another once or twice a month - I used to be a bit worried about it
    but it doesn't bother me now - I guess I don't feel threatened by it so
    I'm glad he still loves her as a friend. They didn't have any children
    though, I guess that may make things more acrimonious as apart from the
    bad feelings of splitting up, one partner is losing their everyday
    contact with their children, too.