Conference turris::womannotes-v3

    White shoes and white pocketbooks cannot be worn until after May 30th
    and not after Labor Day.

re -.1
   ... unless you retired to Florida

Four on the Floor
Always add "lite" to the title of a non-serious =wn topic.

    Rule 1 - you can't win
    
    Rule 2 - you have to play anyway
    
    Rule 3 - if you push long and hard and loud enough Rule 1 may be 
             suspended for a while

    Always put on your jewelry for the day and then remove one piece.

    Exception: Lorna and Margaret may add at least one piece, and probably
    will.

    
    as Marilu Henner said in "LA STORY"
    
    "Turn your head really quickly, and take off the first thing that
    catches your eye.  And don't wear more than 7 accessories."
    
    -Jody
    

    The best way to learn the rules is to break them.
    
    -Janice
    

    When all else fails, refer to Rule #42.
    
    Stupid rules were made to be broken.
    
    
    PJ

    Good girls don't......

 Rules are for people too f5g stupid to figure things out correctly on their
own. :-)

    Close only counts in horseshoes and nuclear explosions.
    
    When in doubt, punt.
    
    pj

     re.9
    
    But bad girls have more fun !
    

    My freshman chemistry teacher taught us the laws of thermodynamics as
    follows:
    
    1. You can't win.
    2. You can't break even.
    3. Things can only get worse.

    Always wear clean underwear!
    

Sh*t rolls downhill.

    Murphy was an optimist.

    .15 reminds me of the rules of plumbing
    
    Hot's on the left
    Cold's on the right
    Sh*t flows downhill
    Never shake hands with a plumber
    
    Mary

    (From "All you ever needed to know, you learned in Kindergarten")
    
    Share
    
    Flush
    
    HRH

    Hold hands while crossing the street.
    
    Put things back where you found them.
    
    Alison

    1) There are no rules.
    
    NT

    
    Play fair
    
    Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you (Don't I know *that*!)
    
    be aware of wonder
    
    LOOK!
    
    Live some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and
    play and work every day some.
    
    
    Jamd
    

    
    Don't leave your gum attached to the side of the terminal when you're
    done using it. (the terminal) 
    
    
    Jmad

	treat everyone you meet the same way you wish to be treated.  

	Assume no harm is intended until it is PROVEN to be intended.

	Take pity on the A**holes of this world, someone has to...

	Understand that compassion and respect come from intelligence..
	and bigotry and racism are the characteristics of stupidity

	Remember that the diety of your choice (be it God or Cosmic Muffin)
	presumes the right to pass judgement on the looks/actions/choices
	of the rest of the world...and specifically enjoins you from such
	judgement.

	A person must be sane in order to truely laugh

	Wear white shoes and carry any purse you want to anytime you want
	to

	Wear your clothes a little loose to look thinner...tight clothing
	makes you look fat

    Go naked!

    
    Live in the present.
    
    clb
    

    It takes energey to be hostile.
    
    Old  Radicals never die.   They just get tired.
    Cindi

    and if you ever think you've hugged enough, hug some more.

    
    
    1)  do what thou wilt and harm none.
    
    2)  don't put beans up your nose.
    
    with love,
    cheyenne

Seen on a muffler shop in nashua:

Make your mark but don't leave a stain.

    See Maggie's "rules" in 58.1.  They live on my cubicle wall now!

    Question authority
    
    
    
    -HA

    1)  Even paranoids have enemies
    
    2)  If if feels good, DO IT!!!!!
    
    
    -jer

Re .32

	Question authority... and the authorities will question YOU!

    The more control, the more that needs control.  This is the road to
    chaos.
    
    				- Frank Herbert, _The Dosadi Experiment_
    
    Think about it...and the *do* question authority!
    
    -d

    
    
    	1. share the pain today.
    
    	2. share the joy tomorrow.
    
    All that really matters.
    
    
    Debbi

    Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
    and remember what comfort there may be
    in owning a piece thereof.
    Avoid quiet and placid persons,
    Unless you are in need of sleep.
    Rotate your tires.
    Speak glowlingly of those greater than yourself,
    And heed well their advice --
    Through they be turkeys.
    Know what to kiss, and when.
    Consider that two wrongs never make a right,
    But that three do.
    Wherever possible, putpeople on hold.
    Be comforted that in the face of all aridity and disillusion,
    And despite the changing fortunates of time,
    There is always a big future in computer maintainance.
    Remember the Pueblo.  Stive at all times to
    Bend, fold, spindle and mutilate.
    Know yourself.  If you need help, call the FBI.
    Excercise caution in your daily affairs;
    Especially with those persons closest to you -
    that lemon on your left, for instance.
    Be assured that a walk through the oceans of most souls
    Would scarecly get your feet wt.
    Fall not in love therefore,
    It will stick to your face.
    Gracefully surrender the things of youth:
    birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan;
    And let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
    Hire people wiht books.
    Foor a good time call 606-4211.
    Ask for Candy.
    Take heart in the ever deepending gloom,
    that your dog is finally getting enough cheese.
    And reflect that whatever misfortunte may be you rlot,
    It could only be worse in Milwaukee.
    You are a fluke of the universe -
    You have no right to be here.
    And whether you can hear it or not
    The universe is laughing behind you rback.
    Therefore, make peace iwth your god,
    Whatever you conceive him to be:
    Hairy Thunderer or Cosmic Muffin.
    With all it's hopes, dreams, promises and urban renewal,
    The world continues to deteriorate.
    Give up!

    re .36
    
    Debbie,
    Thank you for that.  I really needed it tonight!
    
    Karen

    Re .37
    
    Thank you for the laugh!
    
    I got stuck on the first line.  I had to read it twice before I
    got the point.  It was funnier for the sudden realization.
    
    Regards,
    Cindi
    
    P.S.- Any body got the DESIDERATA around or memorized to type in
    as a companion note?

    In rejoinder to .17 I offer Jack's rules of plumbing:
    
    	1.  Water will come out unless you make a determined effort to stop
            it.
        2a. You never have the right part the first time.
        2b. The part you need costs less than 50 cents.
        3.  Leave well enough alone.
    
    Further rules to be determined on future projects.

    Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace
    there may be in silence.  As far as possible, without surrender,
    be on good terms with all persons.  Speak your truth quietly and
    clearly; and listen to others, even the  dull and ignorant, they
    too have their story.  Avoid loud and aggressive persons they are
    vexatious to the spirit.  If you compare yourself with others, you
    may become vain and bitter, for always there will be greater and
    lesser persons than yourself.  Enjoy your achievements as well as
    your plans.  Keep interested in  your own career, however humble,
    it is a real possession in the changing  fortunes of time. 
    Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is  full
    of trickery.  But let this not blind you to what virtue there is,
    for many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is
    full of heroism.   Be yourself.  Especially do not feign
    affection.  Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all
    aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the  grass.  Take
    kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the
    things of youth.  Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in
    sudden misfortune, but  do not distress yourself with imaginings. 
    Many fears are born of fatigue and  loneliness.  Beyond a
    wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.  You are a  child
    of the universe, no les than the trees and the stars, and you have
    a right to be here.  Whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt
    the universe is  unfolding as it should.  Therefore, be at peace
    with God, whatever you conceive him to be.  And whatever your
    labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace
    with your soul.  With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
    it is still a beautiful world.  Be cheerful, strive to be happy,
    and above all  else remember that...

    Sometimes the Dragon Wins

	Sometimes you win,
	Sometimes you lose.

	Sometimes, it rains

    
    if you want to sing out, sing out
    if you want to be free, be free
    
    (from Harold & Maude)
    

    *never* give up an opportunity for good sex...
    
    

    Give yourself over
    To absolute pleasure
    Swim the warm waters
    Of sins of the flesh                        (unless you're a good girl)
    
    Don't dream it...
    
    Be it.
    
    Alice T. (a wild and an untamed thing)

re: .11

close also counts in hand grenades

Always drink *upstream* from the herd.

	-- Too Slim

Have sex often, and don't you ever be sad.
Stay in love, but don't ever, ever, ever go mad.
Don't look once, when you should've looked twice.
And I'm not gonna say anything more, 'cause that is my best advice.


	-- Seth Blair

    Hey some one has to put this in here.....
    
    
       Its not whether or not you pick your nose...
       Its where you put the boogers!!!!!
    
    
    REK

    To thine own self be true.
    
    Kate

    Never start a land war in Asia.
    
    Never try to match wits with a superior intellect.
    
    T.S.

    
    follow your heart
    
    cover your a$$
    
    

    If it ain't broke - don't try to fix it !
    
    I know its corny, but in my experience only too true !
    
    Jerome who ain't much good at fixin'.

 when buying wallpaper:

	if it looks "just right" on the roll in the store, it will be TOO
	BRIGHT, TOO DARK, TOO MUCH on your walls.  Always pick a wallpaper
	that is slightly boring on the roll - it will be just right on the
	wall.

	Never paper more than one wall of a room with large pattern paper...
	in particular, avoid the "jungle" look of huge flowers or leaves.

 when buying a puppy:

	look at the feet.  If the pup has huge feet, he/she will probably
	grow into them - and you will end up with a carnivorous horse.

 when choosing a kitten:

	choose neither the most aggressive kitten, nor the shyest kitten,
	both will be prone to annoy you.  Choose the kitten that will come
	to you after a little sniffing.  This is a bright kitten, not ready
	to fling itself into life without some consideration, but not
	afraid of life either.

    Never weigh yourself when you have your period (or just before.)
    
    ;-(
    Nancy

	If you want a guarantee, buy a refrigerator...

					Tom_K

    
    
    You have to be a little crazy to keep from going insane!!!!
    
             greg

And never forget - life is *not* fair. liesl

    Eat your greens.
    
    Alice T.

    When the kids are too quiet...go see what they're into.
    
    If it tastes good...it's fattening.
    
    It's not the person with the superior intellect that gets by in this
    world. It's the person who tries the hardest and the person who gets
    along with others who thrives.
    
    Kate

    
    REMEMBER:
    
    We can put a man on the moon...
    
    But you can't put metal in a microwave!!!
    
    
    SM
    

    SM
    
    in re metal in a microwave, actually you can. I was quite surprised
    to visit a friend who has a microwave with metal shelves.
    
    BJ

    
    Re BJ,
    
    I also have a micro with those shelves, but I put metal in it once and 
    it sparked like crazy!
    
    Oh well, one never knows!
    
    SM

    Remember, you go along for a little while and then it gets worse.
    
    PJ

    
    
    
    Depart not from the path which fate has you assigned...
    
    
    
    
    
    Sandy

    Have we mentioned "Life is a Beach and then you die?"
    Cindi

    it's never over till it's over
    
    calories don't count if you steal from someone else's plate or if
    you eat standing up

    
    
    If you eat something fattening with a Diet Coke, they cancel each other
    out.
    
    
    k

    Mind your own business
    
    Elbows off the table
    
    Cheaters often win

    Moderation in all things. Including moderation.

    If at first you don't succeed.......cheat.
    
    
    Jerome.

    
    if at first you don't fricassee, fry fry a hen
    
    love laughs at locksmiths
    
    -Jody

Nothing can succeed like a bird with no teeth.

It'll be all right on the night.

Never play cards with anyone named Doc.

Never play pool with anyone named after a city, town or state.

Never eat in a restaurant advertizing "Polynesian-Chinese-American Cuisine".

    re -1:
    
    An alternate version of the rules:
    
    Never play cards with anyone named Doc.
    
    Never eat at a restaurant named "Mom's"�
    
    Never sleep with someone crazier than you are.
    
    ---------
    1. Unless the only other restaurant is named "Eats"
                                

Re: .66

> Depart not from the path which fate has you assigned...

Hmph.  How about the following?  I ran across it a few years ago, but
the author's name wasn't attached to it.

    The paths men take, whether for good or ill, are largely moulded by
    the forces of events, unrecognized yet blindly obeyed.  He who
    wrenches himself from this driven existence to blaze a new trail,
    in spite of the world's resistance, is the true victor, and to him
    alone belong the spoils of his achievement.

				- anon

    re .75
    
    Harry Anderson (of Night Court) quotes the last line as
    
    "Never give a sucker an even break."
    
    
    
    -jer

    This was a handout in a class on stress that I attended a few
    months ago.

    THE RULES FOR BEING HUMAN

    1. You will receive a body.
       You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire
       period this time around.
    2. You will learn lessons.
       You are enrolled in a full-time, informal school called *life*.
       Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn
       lessons.  You make like the lessons or think them irrelevant
       and stupid.
    3. There are no mistakes, only lessons.
       Growth is a process of trial and error, experimentation.  The
       "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the
       experiment that ultimately "works."
    4. A lesson is repeated until it is learned.
       A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you
       have learned it.  Then you can go on to the next lesson.
    5. Learning lessons does not end.
       There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons.
       If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.
    6. "There" is no better than "here."
       When your "there" has become a "here," you will simply obtain
       another "there" that again looks better than "here."
    7. Others are merely mirrors of you.
       You cannot love or hate something about another person unless
       it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.
    8. What you make of your life is up to you.
       You have all the tools and resources you need; what you do with
       them is up to you.  The choice is yours.
    9. The answers lie inside you.
       The answers to life's questions lie inside you.  All you need
       to do is look, listen, and trust.
    
    
    And then there's my personal favorite, one I seem to live by a lot: 
       Rules were made to be broken.
    
    

	Success is its own punishment.

  --Kath

    
    	You've got to know the rules before you break them -
    	otherwise it's no fun.
    
    	There is no substitute for good manners - except fast reflexes.
    
    	clb

    You have the right to:
    
    Be treated with respect               Take time to slow down & think
    
    Say no and not feal guilty            Change your mind
    
    Experience and express your           Ask for what you want
    feelings
    
    Do less than you are humanly 	  Ask for information
    capable of doing
    
    Make mistakes			  Feel good about yourself
    
    

    Those who die with the best stories win.
    
    -b

    Cuteness should never go unpunished.
    
    D!

Just because it's scientifically verifiable, doesn't mean it isn't weird.

	-- Carol Hill, University of Washingtion Dept. of Psychiatry



Never eat more than you can lift.

	-- Miss Piggy


When in Rome, do as the Visigoths do.

	-- A White House Foreign Policy Advisor


No good deed shall go unpunished.

	-- [I forgot who said that]

don't expect much.

    Every day do a little more than people expect of you,
    and pretty soon people will start expecting more.
    
    D!

    alternative to .67:
    
    "Life's a beach and then you dive."
    
    with love,
    cheyenne

    Eating icecubes creates a negative calorie situation that can only be
    cured by a piece of choclate cake
    
    Never drink anything that is seved with a paper umbrella or in a 
    half coconut shell
    
    Never pay retail
    
    Friends are like stars: even when it's a dark night and you can't see
    them, they're there.
    
        Margaret

 Keeping you nose to the grindstone results in a small proboscis and little
else.

 All work and no play makes jack (jill) a dull boy (gyrl).

    You never get more than you pay for. If you shop smart, you get
    your money's worth. Otherwise, you'll probably get less.

    1) When you attempt the absurd, you achieve the IMPOSSIBLE!!
    
    2) "Men are nothing without a cause, women are nothing without a cause to 
        champion" (author unknown)
    
    and the newest rule I mentioned earlier in the conference:
    
    3) Women hit the same spot on their boyfriend's shoulder *every* time ;') 
       (like radar!) ;') ;')    
    

    the below was written by (one of my *fave*) authors Michael Ventura
    who writes for the L.A. Weekly... you may have seen this floating
    around the net.  
    
    The Solutions to all All Problems
    (Guaranteed!)
    
    It's happened once too often.  Somebody says or writes to me, "You
    talk about what's wrong but you don't offer solutions."  And maybe
    they're right.  Maybe to merely detail one's vision and let readers
    take it from there isn't enough.  Maybe there *are* solutions, and
    maybe I *should* know them.  So I sat down and thought about things
    real hard, and here, numbered for your convenience are my solutions to
    everything.
    
    00.  Indulge in secrets.  Without one or two major secrets, your life
    will surely fade.  (If you're over 40 and don't understand this 
    you're in big trouble.)  A conundrum: secret's aren't lies - 
    they're mysteries, havens, passageways.  Lies wreck your life; secrets
    can save your life.  But sometimes you have to lie to keep the secret.
    Uh-oh.
    
    1.   Make mistakes.  As jazz saxophonist Coleman Hawkins said, "If you 
    don't make mistakes, you aren't really trying."
    
    2.   Stop lying about yourself.  To yourself.  To your friends.  To
    your family.  To your business associates.  Maybe even to your enemies.
    (Your enemies can oppress you just as much by forcing you to maintain
    fidelity to your own lies as by any other means.)
    
    3.   Stop tolerating in your leaders what you won't tolerate in your
    friends.
    
    4.	 Tolerate impurity.  Trying to be pure about *anything* is a way of
    setting yourself up to fail.  Asking other people to be pure is a way
    of setting them up.
    
    5.	 Read one book a month - a book that you didn't find out about in a
    magazine or newspaper.  Browse an independent bookstore and wait til
    some book says, "Read me," and then read it.
    
    6.	 Listen to the voices.  The wee inner voices.  (The voices make 
    mistakes sometimes, but they are don't make *boring* mistakes).
    
    7.	 Leave people alone when they tell you to leave them alone. (Note:
    This rule applies to grownups only.)
    
    8.	 Don't make the "sophisticated" error of thinking that a negative
    voice is automatically smarter than a positive voice.
    
    9.	 Eat healthy food but don't be fanatic about it.
    
    10.	 Don't be fanatical about *anything*.
    
    11.	 Do only exercises that take you somewhere.  Walk, ride a bike,
    roller-skate, swim.  All other exercise is ego- and/or fear-driven,
    and if you listen to ego and fear you will drown out the voices you
    most need.
    
    12.	 Don't run.  Really, *don't*.  America likes to run because running
    from (fill in the blank) is what we do best.  Everybody who runs is 
    running away from something terrible.  Stop running and find out what's
    behind you.
    
    13.	 Eat Italian food.  Italians went from being oppressive Roman
    conquerors to being the inefficient, wonderful Italians
    they are today.  It's probably the food.
    
    14.	 Order my novel _Night Time Losing Time_ (Simon & Schuster, 1989)
    from your local indepedent bookstore.  (This won't solve the world's
    problems or yours, but it'll do wonders for some of mine).
    
    15.	 If you are living in a place (like Los Angeles) where driving is
    necessary, learn to drive.  You may think you know how, but my
    experience of the way you drive is that you probably don't.  So here's
    how:
    
    	Drive for space, not for speed.  Space in front of you is the
    safest thing you can have with a car.  Darting in and out of traffic
    doesn't change anything, it just makes you older.  You can't beat the
    average traffic flow on any given street or freeway by more than five
    minutes,  which only makes a difference if you're having a baby.  Snd
    don't you feel like an idiot when you've passed six cars and they pull
    up beside you at the next light?
    
    16.	 Dance.  Jesus said, in one of the Gnostic gospels, "He who does
    not dance does not know what happens."
    
    17.	 Don't worry so much about being fat.  Fat feels great in bed.
    
    18.	 Look into people's eyes when you talk to them.
    
    19.	 Have candlelight in your life.
    
    20.	 No matter how rushed your schedule is, spend at least five 
    minutes in the morning quietly in bed with your loved one just being
    gentle together.  Perhaps drinking tea.
    
    21.  Tell your mother and father, individually - and your children, if
    you have children - what you *really* think.  Once a year, minimum.
    If more people did this, it would save more lives than arresting drunk
    drivers.
    
    22.	 Don't avoid the eyes of the homeless.
    
    23.	 If you think something's wrong - at work, in your family, in your 
    self, in your country - agitate for change.  If you won't do that, it 
    doesn't matter how tan you are.
    
    24.	 Tape this quote to your mirror:
    
    	 "One can only accept in others what one can accept
    	 in oneself." - James Baldwin
    
    25.	 Don't talk down to kids.
    
    26.	 Don't chicken out about sex.  Given that you're with a consenting
    adult, do whatever you fantasize.  This is much more important than
    quitting smoking.
    
    27.	 Watch at least one black-and-white film per month.
    
    28.	 Regarding number 6:  Entertain the notion that there are ...
    voices.  Some come from within, some from the plants and objects and
    such around you, and some come from what I call, for shorthand
    purposes, the Infinite.  If you don't listen for them, your life will
    be more difficult than it has to be.
    
    29.	 Pay more taxes - and insist that those taxes, and the taxes you
    already pay, go for education.  Giving the young a lively thorough,
    truthful education is the most important *environmental* issue today,
    even more important than acid rain, tropical rain forests, and ozone
    holes.
    
    30.	 Let me make that a lot clearer.  Recycling and shopping
    ecologically are almost pointless when one-third of California's
    high-school students drop out, and most who graduate can't read much.
    How can these people inherit a world?  Even if we give them a greener
    world, are they equipped to keep it that way?  You want a solution, so
    here's a solution:  Take to the Streets for Education of the Children.
    
    31.	 Pray.
    
    32.	 Stop looking for other people to supply the solution.  *You're*
    the solution.  If you're not, there is no solution.
    
    33.	 Be aware of the Network. We live by a network of connections and
    links.  Your connection to yourself, to your intimates, to your place,
    to the collective, to the planet, to the Infinitie. (Each is a distinct
    connection.)  Equally powerful are the collective's connection to you 
    (not at all the same as yours to it), to groups of intimates, to 
    itself, to the planet, to the Infinite.
    
    	 All the links or connective points of this network (call them the 
    acupuncture points of our universe) both take and generate energy.  Any
    link out of sync weakens the others.  (The West, for instance, has 
    concentrated too much on the individual, the East, too much on the
    collective; both approaches have been catastrophic on every level of
    the network.)  This network, from you all the way to the Infinite, is a 
    living whole, ceaselessly changing.  Some of these changes take
    millions of years.  Some happen instantaneously.
    	
    	 May the links of the network shine. 
    
    
    ************************
    
    with love,
    cheyenne

If it's broken, hit it with a hammer.

If it's still broken, hit it with a bigger hammer.

Kathy

    Buy low, sell high.

    Keep right, except when passing, or when driving in England,
    Australia, New Zealand, Japan, or Thailand. When driving in
    England, keep right and pass everything in sight.

    Your new PC will be obsolete before you can figure out where to
    store the packing crate.

    Let the Wookie win.

    Don't force it.  Get a bigger hammer.
    
    -d

    When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

	put your shoulder to the wheel, your nose to the grindstone,
	and your back to the wall -- now try to work in that position
		- anon


	save your money and live frugally, but when you buy chocolate, 
	buy THE BEST chocolate...some things simply aren't good when 
	they are "good 	enough"
		- Dian Wilde


	If you raise a dog gently, and with love, you have the best
	watchdog in the world.

	Never completely trust a dog that has been "trained to attack".
	That's like giving a 3-year old instructions on using a hand-gun.

	Cut it large and kick it into place

	If it sticks, force it; if it breaks, it needed fixing anyway



	*A*

    
    
    If your disk dies, just put it in another drive!
    
    

Always take reply .100.

Dan

    That which does not kill me will surely make me stronger.
    
    
    -jer
    

    Measure with a micrometer.
    
    Mark with chalk.
    
    Cut with axe.
    
    D!

    Never underestimate the power of human greed.
    
    Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
    
    Don't #u<|< with eagles if you don't know how to fly.
    
    Rub her feet.
    
    A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
    
    Rule #6: There is no Rule #6.
    
    There's a sucker born every minute.
    
    	Corollary: It's immoral to allow a sucker to keep his money.
    
    --- jerry

    re: "Keep right, except..." Singapore or Hong Kong.  On second thought,
    take taxis in Singapore and Hong Kong.
    
    ed

    is it me, or is this starting to sound like the notebooks of Lazarus
    Long?

    Who's Lazarus Long?
    
    Alice T.

    The main character in Robert Heinlein's "Time Enough For Love"
    among others. A longish book, and preachy, but the central story,
    "The Tale of the Adopted Daughter" is worth reading, and can be
    read separately from the whole.

    
    never try to teach a pig to sing, it wastes your time and annoys the
    pig.
    
    

    Blessed are those who expect nothing, for they shall not
    be disappointed.
    
    -Janice
    

>    Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.

	corollary: Never attribute to malice what can be attributed to stupidity





	*A*

    Dana,
    
    In re Lazarus Long, you beat me to it! ;-)
    
    Bonnie

    
    "Real love is like the blades of scissors. Joined in a manner that allows 
     the freedom to move in the opposite direction, yet come together in a
     perfect union, punishing anything that trys to come between them."
    
     Auth. Unknown   

    
    "love is like a snowmobile racing across the frozen tundra, but it
    flips over pinning you underneath.  At night, the ice weasels come."
    
    -Matt Groening (attributed most humorously to Nietzsche)

   In real life the units of measure will be inconsistant with those 
   that are in use.  EX:
   	
   	Furlongs per fornight?  (speeds on rt3)
   	miles per liter?
   	Mil Stds	       (enforced slopiness)


   On other rules;
   	
   	Murphy was a optimist.
   		(o'shay)

   Allison

Be careful how you beseech the gods; they may answer.

    Re -.101
    
    Anything that is a character builder is sure to be a 
    pain in the !@#$.

If men got pregnant..........

	Maternity leave would last two years.....with full pay.

	There'd be a cure for stretch marks.

	Natural childbirth would become obsolete

	Morning sickness would rank as the nation's number one health 
		problem.

	All methods of birth control would be improved to 100 percent 
		effectiveness.

	Children would be kept in the hospital until they were toilet trained.

	Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

	They wouldn't think twins were *quite* so cute.

	Fathers would demand that their sons be home from dates by 10:00 p.m.

	Men could use their briefcases as diaper bags.

	They'd have to stop saying, "I'm afraid I'll drop him."

	Paternity suits would be a line of clothes.

	They'd stay in bed for the entire nine months.

	Menus at most restaurants would list ice cream and pickles as an 
		entree.

	Women would rule the world.

    never invoke anything you can't banish
    
    

 You can't win.

 No one will take you seriously (except when you're being sarcastic.)

 There are some people born with a genetic predisposition for disliking you.

 The time to question things hardest is when they seem most obvious.

    Buy on apple, sell on cheese.
    
    Measure twice, cut once.
    
    Ice weasels have all the fun!  ;^>
    
    Sandy

    There's no reason for it. It's just our policy.
    
    PJ

    
    
    never wager a bet with coffee as the payoff

    When going on vacation, always take twice as much cash as you think
    you'll need.
    
    
    re: .92
    About that 5 mins in bed in the morning...a couple of times per week,
    make sure to include all kids and furry friends you may have!
    
    mmmmmmmmm...... 8-)
    Nancy

    The world has an unlimited need for more Lerts.
    Be aLert!
    

    In re some earlier references to Lazarus Long ... I have a Cookie
    program which includes a fair number of LL quotes ... a totally
    random sampling:

 Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you
 can't win.                             -- Lazarus Long

    
 The phrase "we(I)(you) simply MUST ..." designates something that need not be
 done. "That goes without saying" is a red warning. "Of course" means you had
 best check it yourself. These small-change cliches and others like them, when
 God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent--it says so right here on
 the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these divine
 attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No checks,
 please. Cash, and in small bills.      -- Lazarus Long


 Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy.
                                        -- Lazarus Long


 Peace is an extension of war by political means. Plenty of elbow room is
 pleasanter--and much safer.            -- Lazarus Long


 This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his mother's side.
 I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry often have little else to
 sustain them. Humoring them costs nothing and adds to happiness in a world in
 which happiness is always in short supply.
                                        -- Lazarus Long


 It has long been known that one horse can run faster than another--but which
 one? Differences are crucial.          -- Lazarus Long

    
    do not leave your car stereo playing for 9hrs while the vehicle is
    unoccupied.
    
    ~r

    
    Never buy a fluffy toy that is, arguably, even cuter than you
    *or* your sweetie.

Many writers (and speakers) still seem to follow these rules--


A. All people are male unless proven otherwise.

B. A woman's relationship to a man is her defining identity.

C. A woman's appearance always requires comment, whether she defies
   or exemplifies a popular stereotype.

D. A woman can be safely idendified as "his wife"; it is unnecessary
   to idendify her by name.

E.  Although stylebooks prohibit words with grafted feminine endings
    and such designations as "coed," ignore such rules if that suits you.

F. After marriage, a man remains a man, but a woman remains a wife.

G. Homemaking and parenting are not work.

H. It is newsworthy when a church member, parent, and neighbor is
   sucessful in bunsiness, provided the sucessful person is a woman.

I. Status as a housewife takes precedence over all other kinds of
   status.

J. Events in a woman's life must be identifed as A.M. (Ante Marriage)
   or P.M. (Post Marriage).



	-- From Stet!: Tricks of the Trade for Writers and Editors,
	   Edited by Bruce O. Boston


[The article includes excerpts from newspaper articles that show
examples of these rules.  But you can find your own examples in
just about any newspaper.]

    
    Alternative to .67,.87
    
    "Life's a beach, you'll get burned."
    
    Rich
    

    A lesson is repeated until learned.
    
    [Fortunately, I've learned mine!! :-) ]
    

Life is a comedy for those who think; life is a tragedy for those 
who feel ...

(from Walpole)

    Laughing and crying, they're almost the same release....
    
               Joni Mitchell

Let's not forget:

It takes a lot to laugh, it takes a train to cry.

(Bob Dylan)

=Lil

    (Hi Margaret!)

    
    	And a corollary to .131
    
    	Better to be the victim of comedy than tragedy.
    
    	

    First rule is: The laws of Germany.
    Second rule is: Be nice to mommy.
    Third rule is: Don't talk to commies.
    Fourth rule is: Eat kosher salami.
    
      -- from "Commando" by the Ramones
    

                             THE REAL WORLD

1. The female always makes the rules.

2. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification
   to the male.

3. No male can possibly know the rules.

4. If the female suspects the male knows some or most of the rules, she
   must immediately change some or all of the rules.

5. The female is never wrong.

6. If the female seems to be wrong it is because of a misunderstanding
   caused by something the male did or said.....which was wrong.

7. If rule 6 applies, the male must immediately apologize for causing
   the misunderstanding.

8. The female may change her mind at any time.

9. The male must never change his mind without express, prior, written
   consent from the female.

10. The female has the right to be angry or emotionally upset at any time.

11. The male must remain calm at all times unless the female wants him to
    become angry or emotionally upset.

12. The female must not let the male know whether she wants him to become
    angry or emotionally upset.

13. Any attempt to document the validity of these rules could result in
    bodily harm to the person attempting such documentation.

14. If the female has PMS all rules are null and void at her discretion -
    see rules 1, 2, 5, and 8.

                   ANY QUESTIONS - PLEASE CONTACT THE FEMALE

	Any attempt to manipulate Murphy's Law to your advantage will fail.

    But Doug, that's a corollary of Murphy's Law:  Anything that can go
    wrong, will.
    
    -d

	Yeah, I've seen it as "<somebody's> Paradox".  The corollary my
father most often quoted was "Toast will always fall buttered side down."

					--D

    No, no!  It's "the probability of the toast not falling buttered side down
    is inversely proportional to the cost of the carpet"


E Grace

    Is the 'Murphy's Law' conference still around?

    And besides, the true probability is calculated in proportion to the 
    difficulty/expense of removing the stain from the particular spread 
    used on the bread >;-)

    Attitudes are contagious.  Make sure yours is worth catching.

    Life isn't perfect, but its fixed in the next version.

    However, the next rev will be late due to an overwhelming number of
    CLDs that must be addressed first.     :^)
    
        Margaret

Re: <<< Note 1021.143 by PRYBAR::HETRICK "Looking for a sacred hand" >>>

>>	  I recall an article, I think in "The Journal of Irreproducable
>>     Results," where experimenters knocked buttered toast off tables and
>>     recorded whether it fell buttered side up or buttered side down.  The
>>     toast fell largely buttered side up.  Whether this argued for or
>>     against Murphy's Law, however, was subject to some disagreement.

This is obvious proof of the existance of Murphy's Law, in my opinion.

If Murphy's Law existed, and if you tried to demonstrate it's existence,
Murphy's Law would cause the experiment to fail, therefore proving the laws's
existance, right?  :-)

                                 Roak

    Ringer's Law: The timing is *always* wrong.

     "The citizen owns the body, and the citizen gets to decide 
     what happens to it!"

     (Harvey Firestein, actor/gay activist on Arsenio the other 
      night, talking about social attitudes towards gays and gay 
      sex.)

    If you can't accept, tolerate. And if you can't tolerate,
    at least cultivate an attitude of quiet indifference.

    
    
    Haven't seen this this one yet...
    
    Don't attribute to malice what can be attributed to stupidity
    Don't attribute to stupidity what can be attributed to ignorance
    .....And most importantly,
    Don't attribute to ignorance what can be attributed to a moment's 
         lack of attention
    
    
    Quoted from Peggy of the ( | )
                               |
    
    
    Jamd

    "Those who dance must pay the fiddler."
    
    

    The older you get and closer to the tomb,
    The less it matters who sleeps with whom.
    
    S. 

     All cabs in NYC must be Chevrolet Caprices.
    
     No second generation americans are allowed to be NYC cabbies.
    
     No english speaking radio stations shall be listened to in NYC.
    
     A cab with a flat tire can be driven. A cab without a working horn is
    to be abandoned.
    
    Never pay the asking price on a "Gucci", "Rolex", or "Cartier" watch on
    the street.

    It is almost impossible to tell a joke without offending _someone_.
    
    Corollary 1: Since sanity requires that we joke anyway, we do.
    
    Corollary 2: Maintenance of sanity does not license one to be
                 deliberately offensive. 
    
    Corollary 3: If you constantly find yourself saying, "I was only
                 joking," you may be better off writing your jokes
                 in your private diary.
    
    Corollary 4: Lighten up!

    Take the time to do it right - you can not err fast enough.

    Most important rule for an evening out: 
    
    Brush your teeth _before_ applying lipstick.
    
    Alice T.

    There are two rules for success in life:
    
    1. Don't tell people everything you know.
    
    

>   There are two rules for success in life:
    
>   1. Don't tell people everything you know.

Andrew - did you steal that from Owen Rowley or is there another source?

	-- Charles (amused to see it here)

    
    

 it's a Rule: I cannot tell a joke to save my life.


indeed, I tried to tell some folks at lunch about the 2 rules for success in 
life.  The attempt flopped...

    
    
    re. 159
    
    now charles, why should he tell you? (-;

>Andrew - did you steal that from Owen Rowley or is there another source?
>
>	-- Charles (amused to see it here)
    
    It came across the net unattributed -- I liked it so much I posted it in
    my cubicle.  It made sense to post it here.
    
    					andrew

> It came across the net unattributed -- I liked it so much I posted it in
> my cubicle.  It made sense to post it here.

If you got it off the net then it probably came from Owen. He's an interesting
guy - I like him. For him that saying isn't just "cute" it's religious...

	-- Charles

Sincerity is the key to sucess; once you can fake that you can do anything.

                            Anon (as far as I know)

	Make sure your parents move at least every 5 years, and help them
throw out all the stuff that "might be useful someday."

	Failing that, make sure they hire a mover after 23 years in the 
same house.

						--D

    	
    	Never explain anything to someone that's drunk...you only have 
    to explain it again on Sunday afternoon.
    
    
    Debbi
    

    (A rule for when I have children:)
    
    Never take your children to live abroad.
    
    Alice T.
    (who's trying to learn from the way she was once screwed up)

    
    Alice T. - 
    
    I have a child.  I am living abroad.  What am I doing wrong ?
    
    				-rob in frankfurt
    

>    	Never explain anything to someone that's drunk...you only have 
>    to explain it again on Sunday afternoon.

	...and the Mary Poppins version: 

		"I never explain anything"



	*A*

    or:  "Never complain, never explain."
    
    			- Some Texan like H.L.Hunt or LBJ or whoever

	Never stand in the way of someone striding purposefully toward
	the rest room.


				Tom_K

    If you are going to raffle something off to rasie money,
    make it something that a woman would like!!!! (-8
    
      (It's a queen size dark blue/w floral pattern comforter)
    

    There's no such thing as 100%.
    
    The truth is never simple.
    
    Alice T.

    
    No one's final dying words are, "I wish I spent more time at work."
    
    You can always worry tomorrow.  Leave today for the good things.

    It can be done.
    It should be done.
    It shall be done.
    ........tomorrow.

    From a song by Queen:
    
    		"It's only fools,
    		They make these rules:
    		Don't try to hard."
    
    Alice T.

    
    	*Never* put on a video tape of Desert Hearts in a house full of
    womyn less than two hours before they *all* have to get ready for 
    dinner!!  :-)
    
    
    Debbi

    I don't know if this has been mentioned, but:
    
    	Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.
    
    In my experience, though, it expands to fill the time available for its
    completion plus a week or so.
    
    Alice T.

>    	*Never* put on a video tape of Desert Hearts in a house full of
>    womyn less than two hours before they *all* have to get ready for 
>    dinner!!  :-)
    
Why ?  what happens ?

graphic description needed here :-)

                 "It ALWAYS takes longer than you expect,
             even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law"
    
                  -- RECURSION ALERT -- RECURSION ALERT -- 

    
    they drool.  and it's not in anticipation of food. :-)
    
    Cq

>    	Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.


	As does noting.


	*A*

    re: .180
    
    Then there's the 90-10 rule:
    
    	The first 90% of the project takes the first 90% of the time
    	The last 10% of the project takes the other 90% of the time
    
    --jim
    

    
    "Fuzzy Pink Niven's Law : Never waste calories.
    
    Potato chips, candy, whipped cream, or hot fudge sundae consumption
    may involve you, your dietician, your wardrobe, and other factors.
    But Fuzzy Pink's Law implies: _Don't eat soggy potato chips, or
    cheap candy, or fake whipped cream, or an inferior hot fudge 
    sundae._"
    
    From 'N Space' by Larry Niven

    
    re .184
    
    Life's too short to drink cheap wine.
    
    clb

    ...or Coors Light ;-)

    Never let velcro anywhere near nylons.
    
    Alice T.

    Yeah! Snags mine every time.....
     
                    ....oops! wrong conference....
    
    
    
    Jerome.

    Velcro has a mind of its own. 

    That the cat you take on "only temporarily" will
    most probably become permanent.......
    
    

    either permanent or pregnant...
    
    
    liz