Conference turris::womannotes-v3

    
    Hmm, good question. I think that it depends on the relationship.
    If your SO won't be put off, then why not?  I do, however, think
    that it would take a special kind of man to deal with that situation.
    I think that most men, even today, would feel un-manly.  (Just as I
    think most women would still prefer to be asked than to ask.)
    If you and your SO are these special people then go for it!  Does
    this mean that you should buy him an engagement ring?  I never
    did think it was really fair for only women to get engagement rings.
    
    Good luck!
    Rachael
    

    Of course it's okay.
    
    Why wouldn't it be?
    
    I've never asked someone to marry me, but I have asked people to "go
    out" with me (in the parlance of the day, "go out" meant "have a
    serious monogamous relationship", not "go on a date".)  So?
    
    D!

    Seems to me the point is whether the person to whom one is proposing
    thinks it's acceptable... ;-)
    
    Acceptable to me? Definitely. Acceptable to society-as-I-know-it? Yes.
    To all societies/subgroups/people? Clearly not. Do I think it should be
    acceptable to all? Yes. Do I expect this to happen any time soon? Nope.
    
    I don't see any reason why a woman shouldn't propose ("Propose what?"
    someone asked innocently) marriage, or dinner-and-a-movie, or sex, or
    anything else. I do think those who propose need to be prepared to
    accept rejection gracefully (or, for that matter, to accept acceptance
    gracefully, sometimes a harder task!).
    
    As for personal experience, I did (more or less) propose marriage to my
    now-ex-husband, and he accepted. Why did I do it? Seemed like a good
    idea at the time, and I simply couldn't stand waiting to see if he was
    going to ask. [Although subsequent events indicated that perhaps it
    wasn't the best idea I ever had, I don't blame our problems on my doing
    the asking! ;-)] 
    
    -b

    
    
    
    I can't say that I've ever proposed to someone, but I ask people out
    all the time and I have no qualms about it at all.
    
    If a guy that I ask out would be "put off" by being asked out by a 
    woman, then he's not the type of guy that I would want to be dating
    anyway, so it's no big deal.
    
    I would expect nothing less from a person that I would propose to.
    
    kath

    I guess my husband initially popped the question to me and I said let's
    wait and see.  After several years of living together I was the one who
    brought it up again.  He didn't object at all!
    
    Mary

    
    the whole idea of one person asking another person to marry them
    seems weird to me. isn't it kind of, like, a *mutual* decision?
    

    what joe said. I thought you have a "shall _we_ marry" kind of
    discussion. I thought only people in movies propose and expect a
    yes/no answer
    manisha

    Yes, I agree there is a "do WE want to marry discussion" (usually) but
    *someone* has to be the first to talk about it i.e. "How would you like
    to get married?"  (Not quite as romantic as "Will you marry me?" but
    still a proposal - of a marriage discussion at the very least!)
    
    my $.02
    

    As I recall, about 19 years ago I asked my now ex "We are planning on
    getting married, aren't we?"  He replied in the affirmative, and things
    kinda rolled on from there.  So I guess I asked him, kinda.  He told me
    later he'd been planning on asking me in a couple of weeks, at a
    particular event/occasion.  I just got too impatient to wait.  
    
    My mom didn't exactly get "asked" either.  She had *much* younger
    siblings (14 years younger) and while her parents were arguing about
    how to discipline the younger kids, my dad turned to her and said "We
    aren't going to let our kids hear these discussions," or words to that
    effect.  Apparently that was her proposal, as she used it as the
    opening for "We are getting married first, aren't we?" discussions.
    
    Alison 

    Yes.
    
    Yes.  He wasn't comfortable with me doing the asking, so refused
    until he did the asking.
    
    Barb

    Personally I think it would be kind of neat to kneel in a restaurant in
    front of the man I love, pull one single red rose from behd my back,
    take his hand in mine and say, "Would you spend the rest of your life
    making me the happiest and luckiest woman alive...Would
    you...sigh...marry me?"
    
    Then again it'd be pretty darn neat to have someone do that for me too. 
    I kinda like to live on the edge, so's if I felt like doin' it, and I
    truly thought we were both ready to discuss it, sure why not.
    
    Kel
    

    Just out of curiosity, whatever happened to the tradition of the man
    asking? If he WANTED to get married to her, he'd ask, right?
    
    Some things just should not change, and that is one of them...
    
    
    (My own personal opinion here is all)

    
    Male response... why not?
    
    However I asked my wife and she replied "please ask Mowl" (Mowl being
    the woman acting as family representative. Only after she had agreed
    and I had formally asked Ann's mother did I again ask Ann...)
    
    /. Ian .\

    My husband and I had both decided not to get married.
    
    Then we decided we wanted kids, but still no marriage.
    
    While I was pregnant, a conversation with friends made us realise there
    was more to having a child out of wedlock than he or me had thought
    about. We took an appointment with a lawyer, and discovered that the
    Swiss law was extremely restrictive on the rights of unwed mothers and
    children born out of wedlock. The natural father also had some disad-
    vantages, but fewer. When we got out of the lawyer's, I said:
    "Well, I guess we have no choice but to get married...". He agreed
    lugubriously...
    
    Joana

    Joana, what a beautiful choice of words!  I can just picture the two of
    you walking out of the lawyer's office.     :-)
    
    
    (sorry of course that the laws made it all play out that way, it's only
    your description of the "proposal" that's funny)

    I've been married for almost a year now.  When my boyfriend at the time
    took me to look at "DIAMONDS" at the jewlrey store I selected the one
    I liked. He then took the ring in front of "everyone" and said "Nadine,
    will you marry me" (I didn't know whether to laugh or cry)!  He paid
    for it right there.  It was funny, watching everyone look at us going
    ah, as he kissed me when I said "YES"!!!
    
    
    
    -Nadine
    

    re:.8
    
    It seems to me that "How would you like to get married?" is *much*
    more like a proposal (in the general sense) than "Will you marry
    me?" :-)
    
    re:.12
    
    	� Just out of curiosity, whatever happened to the
    	tradition of the man asking? If he WANTED to get
    	married to her, he'd ask, right? �
    
    If she WANTED to get married to him, she'd ask, right?
    
    I can't think of a more appropriate time to invoke the old saw,
    "What's good for the goose is good for the gander." :-)
    
    --- jerry

    I (being female) see no reason NOT to be the one to ask, but I must
    confess, I would really prefer that HE did...(I guess I'm a little old
    fashioned in the wedding proposal sense, even though I'm only in my
    20's!)  And I am known for being quite independent and vocal...
    

	I don't know if it is legal in some states already, but I
can envisage a scenario where a woman _must_ do the proposing.



				kbear

    Last July I attended my brother's wedding alone.  I caught the bouquet.
    I called my boyfriend and said "Guess what?  I caught the bouquet
    and you know what that means."  His response was, "Well,
    I guess that means we're next".  We had only been together a month
    at the time.  He tells everyone that I proposed to him.  We still
    haven't gotten married yet.

    TO CATCH A BOUQUET IS NOT A REASON TO GET MARRIED...
    a marriage is something much more serious than that, your time will
    come when you're ready. Patience is a virtue totally neglected these
    days...

    in re catching a bouquet...yeah but it is a cute reason to
    tease the one you want to marry and see what happens..
    
    as it was, Don and I had been talking for months that if we
    were both as much in love at the same time (we tended to see saw)
    that we should get married..
    
    so one day when I was feelin especially affectionate, I said
    'if you asked me to marry you now, I'd accept' and he did and
    I did!
    
    :-)
    
    so which one did the asking?
    
    Bonnie

In England (and maybe elsewhere) there is a tradition whereby the
ONLY day on which it is acceptable for a woman to do the proposing is
on 29 February .....

Actually, I agree with a previous noter (forgive me, I noted not the name)
who said that it is probably more appropriate for the subject to come
up during a discussion on future plans.  That said, I'm a sucker for
romantic gestures !

PS:  I've both proposed and been proposed to.

Wendy

    One evening, my [not yet] husband asked, "When we're married, how many
    kids to you want?"
    
    I, determined at all costs to be cool (I was very young then), replied,
    "Oh, six, I guess."
    
    He turned faintly green, and asked, "Would you settle for three?"
    
    "Sure," I said.
    
    Later that year we married, and we've had three children.
    
    aq
    

    Call me an old fashioned traditionalist but I still think the male
    should do the proposing.  It has something to do with the male being
    the pursuer, I guess, which is my view of love and marriage.  As my
    father is so fond of putting it about boy meets girl, boy marries girl
    - "You chased her until she caught you, huh?
    

    You're an old fashioned traditionalist.
    
    (Someone had to do it...)
    
    > It has something to do with with male being the pursuer, I guess,
    > which is my view of love and marriage.
    
    I realize that the view you express is indeed the "old fashioned
    traditional" view, but I don't personally believe that that
    automatically makes it "right". (In fact, I'm automatically
    *suspicious* of it for that reason - but that's MY nature.) I agree
    with Joe, something as important as marriage should be a mutual
    decision. The two should have talked about it enough that by the time
    the "question" is asked the answer should be obvious to both.
    
    Now, mind you, I *did* get down on my knee to propose to Janice, but
    only after we had already agreed to get married.
    
    Just call me an old fashioned traditionalist... :-)
    
    	-- Charles
    
    P.S. She replied "Get up off the floor and kiss me you silly."

    Al will probably ask you at Christmas...