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Conference turris::womannotes-v3

Title:Topics of Interest to Women
Notice:V3 is closed. TURRIS::WOMANNOTES-V5 is open.
Moderator:REGENT::BROOMHEAD
Created:Thu Jan 30 1986
Last Modified:Fri Jun 30 1995
Last Successful Update:Fri Jun 06 1997
Number of topics:1078
Total number of notes:52352

301.0. "Supportive Sounds" by SAGE::GODIN (Naturally I'm unbiased!) Thu Aug 16 1990 12:53

    PREFACE:  The terms women and men and all their derivative forms, when 
    used in this string, are presumed to mean "some women" and "some men," 
    and are not to be construed as painting _ALL_ women, without exception, 
    or _ALL_ men, without exception, with the same brush. 
    
                                   -=-=-=-=-
    
    Several different strings in this conference have discussed the
    differences between the way women and men communicate.  Some have
    talked about the greater frequency with which men interrupt women, the
    different speech patterns (i.e., supportive or domineering) that
    surface in female/male conversations, etc.
    
    Between the lines in this conference and in real life, I have heard men 
    express a desire to adopt more supportive roles in their conversations.  
    Yet some seem at a loss for how to begin.
    
    In this string I'd like your help in exploring what supportive comments
    sound like.  Please share the words and phrases that made you feel like
    your concerns were being received and given serious attention by the
    listener.  Perhaps also, for contrast, share some of the words and
    phrases that made you shut down because they indicated dominance or
    paternalistic attitudes or patronism.
    
    Thanks.
    Karen
T.RTitleUserPersonal
Name		DateLines
301.1Here are a few to start...SAGE::GODINNaturally I'm unbiased!Thu Aug 16 1990 12:588
    Oh, yes, I know what you mean.
    I can understand why you feel that way.
    Didn't that make you feel (marvelous/happy/loved/discounted/hurt
    /embarrassed/etc.)?
    What do you think you'll do?
    Why do you feel that way?
    
    Karen
301.2some moreWMOIS::B_REINKEWe won't play your silly gameThu Aug 16 1990 13:086
    It's okay
    It's really okay
    I don't mind
    Have I told you today that I love/like you?
    
    BJ
301.3Hugs and ice cream...NETMAN::HUTCHINSDid someone say ICE CREAM?Thu Aug 16 1990 13:0910
    What are your options?
    Is there anything I can do to help?
    Is this a good time to talk, or do you want to get back to me on it?
    I know someone who might be able to shed some light on this, would you
      like his/her number?
    I'm not sure what to say, but I'll listen any time you need to talk.
    
    
    Judi
301.4SA1794::CHARBONNDin the dark the innocent can't seeThu Aug 16 1990 13:121
    need a hug ?
301.5how you say...GWYNED::YUKONSECLeave the poor nits in peace!Thu Aug 16 1990 13:244
    sometimes it is the tone, more than anything else, that determines
    whether a statement is or is not supportive.
    
    E Grace
301.6Oh, what you are saying is...TLE::D_CARROLLAssume nothingThu Aug 16 1990 13:507
When someone paraphrases back to me what I have said to her, accurately
and without *any* biases *even if they disagree with me) then that lets me
know that they have *really* heard and understood what I have said.  
Paraphrasing in an invaluable technique in supportive communication.
(Rogerian therapy aside...)

D!
301.7+ hugs, hugs & hugs...PARITY::DDAVISLong-cool woman in a black dressThu Aug 16 1990 13:526
    all of the above and....
    
    	It's alright, I still love you.
    
    
    -Dotti.
301.8PROXY::SCHMIDTThinking globally, acting locally!Thu Aug 16 1990 14:2712
  Silence on the part of the listener can be supportive when provided
  in short doses (timed to coincide with the speaker's speaking :-) ).

  Eye contact can be supportive.

  A smile (at appropriate points) can be supportive.

  And yes, the active listening techniques that D! brought up (para-
  phrasing, etc.) up can be very supportive and even help ensure that
  the message has been correctly received!

                                   Atlant
301.9Another viewBPOV02::BRIOSOThu Aug 16 1990 15:0419
    All the the previous suggestions are wonderful and work to make me feel
    supported when they are expressed, usually by women only.
    
    I appear to be the first person to enter a reply which indicates what
    turns them off and makes me not feel supported.
    
    The number one all time response is "You should ........".  The one
    thing I am usually not looking for when I am initially upset by
    something is for someone to give me directions.  I firmly believe we
    each hold the solution to our problems ourselves and if given the
    safe environment can find the right solution for us.
    
    My experience with the men in my life is that they want to solve the
    problem for me when I just want to talk about it for a while and my
    feelings around it.  The solutions will come later and if I need
    specific directions for resolution, I will ask for them.
    
    Bernice
301.10just when you thought it was safe ...YGREN::JOHNSTONbean sidheThu Aug 16 1990 16:2433
Not supportive are:

  - what would it do to <name> if you ...

  - how does <name> feel about ...

  - it isn't really ...

Supportive are:

  - [the aforementioned] why do you feel ...

  - how does <whatever> make you feel ?

  - what's the worst thing that could happen? ...and then what would you do/feel?

  - what is it that you need right now?

In short, it is not supportive to deny or trivialise my feelings/concerns/
perceptions.  Neither is it supportive to ask me how my crisis impacts others.
It is not supportive give advice or direction unless it is solicited.

It _is_ supportive to help me explore my feelings/concerns/perceptions and to
help me talk through to possible outcomes and options.

It is generally ill-advised to say to me, 'I love you' in any kind of crisis
or stress situation as the response is almost instantaneous and devastating to
both myself and the caring soul who says it.  I wish that this were not so - and
I _am_ working on it - but these words were used as a burden and a prelude to
bad things to follow for the first twenty years of my life.  'I care' is OK,
though.

  Annie
301.11SA1794::CHARBONNDin the dark the innocent can&#039;t seeThu Aug 16 1990 16:296
    Two excellent texts on supportive communications like this are
    "Between Parent and Child" and "Between Parent and Teenager"
    both by Dr. Haim Ginott. 

    The techniques work well in any situation.
301.13I hear youSSGBPM::KENAHHealing the Fisher King&#039;s woundsMon Aug 20 1990 10:580
301.14Just *listening*CSG001::PWHITEI&#039;ve moved to PDMFri Aug 31 1990 15:0423
    Most supportive to me is attentive silence.
    Soft comments : "wow! that must have been hard"
    	"you sound really excited"
    	"click!"
    holding hands, a hug if appropriate
    praise
    questions about fact how old were you then/, what did s/he
    	do then?  is it still going on?  can be helpful, but not 
    	questions that are really suggestions or problem solving 
    	"Did you think about complaining to Personnel/ reporting 
    	to the police..." 

    "I know what you mean" can sound non-supportive to me, because 
    I am never sure what another person has understood.  Paraphrasing 
    is preferable, since then I don't have to exit from my experience 
    to guess whether the other does in fact know what I mean.

    Telling me about a similar experience is usually non-supportive
    in an emotional situation, because it removes the focus from my
    experience.  

    Pat