Conference turris::womannotes-v3

    Until your roommate admits he has a problem, there's nothing you can do
    for *him*.  What you can do is get help for yourself and express your
    concern to your roommate.  *He* is the one who has to take the
    responsibility for his problem.  If it affects you, then you need to
    take appropriate action.
    
    Since your roommate has been in detox, he is probably familiar with the
    route he has to take if he wants to stop drinking.
    
    Empathize, but don't enable.
    
    Take care,
    Judi
    

    Your roommate has the problem.  However, since you are suffering
    from that problem, you should get some treatment for it.  Look
    up Al-Anon in the phonebook and call them; there will probably be
    a meeting not too far from you tonight, and tomorrow night, and
    during the day Saturday, and...  If Al-Anon does not have a
    separate listing, call Alcoholics Anonymous.
    
    							Ann B.

    there is a notes file called alanon... can't recall the node.. 
    but do know the file has helped me in similar circumstances.

    I second the suggestion for alanon. There is nothing you can do
    about your room mates drinking, but you can take care of yourself.
    EAP will have the listings of Alanon meetings. The meetings really
    can help. Please feel free to send me mail if you would like more
    info on Alanon.
                                                                  
    Dee 
    
    

    I agree that the roommate has the problem. The BASENOTER may become the
    victim. We don't know if this person becomes violent or dangerous
    either to himself or others. If so, either get him to accept help or
    else one of you should leave for safety's sake. I know that this is
    easier said than done. If you care for this person then it will be hard
    to leave if necessary and even harder to help him. Please come to us
    for support, but please seek out some sort of professional help also.
    
    My prayers and thoughts are for you and your friend in this trying
    time.

    Another vote for Alanon. They'll steer you in the right direction...
    

    Another vote for AA.  Certainl your roommate has the problem but you
    have major input into the situation.  My suggestion is that you get
    help for yourself and stop enableing your roomate. He will not stop
    until he accepts responsibility for his actions, yu on the other hand
    have to stop taking responsibility for things beyond your control.  Get
    some counciling and take advantage of the support groups that are
    available.  God Bless you and stand strong.!!

    Why do we think the basenoter needs help?
    
    Because one needs help to do any or all of the things you mentioned,
    and any or all of the other alternatives possible.
    
    Besides, s/he asked. For help. Here.
    
    *I* certainly didn't imply s/he needed counseling. But sometimes you
    *do* need someone to say "Here's what you're dealing with." "Here's 
    what's common in these situations, and here are some options." "Evict
    the guy - here's how." etc. Why not go to people who deal with
    alcoholics to get the info?
    
    --DE
    

    The basenoter mentioned that the recidivist was a ROOMMATE, and
    mentioned nothing about a relationship.  
    
    Since there is nothing we can do in this file for the roommate
    directly, perhaps some noters are trying to suggest things that would
    help the basenoter cope, or understand, or decide what, if anything to
    do - connecting them with other people-who-have-alcoholics-in-their
    -life may help them decide what, if anything, they want to do about the
    situation.
    
    -Jody
    

    re .0 Did your roomie and you ever discuss this while he was
    clean ? Did he ever say "If I start drinking call X" ?
    
    Or do you get an "It's my life and none of your business" feeling
    from him ?

I've seen at least two references to the term "enabling" as in "stop 'enabling'
your roomate".

This must be one of the nouveau-psych terms which has come in vogue in recent
times, because I haven't the faintest idea what it means in this context. Is
there some kind of unit plug in the roomate that gets pushed in, or what?

Could somebody try it again, in normal English?

(This kind of buzzword is a real hot button with me. It's like "opportunity"
in the business sense, which generally means "the opportunity has hit the fan".)

RE the base note - it would seem to me that the action (if any) taken would
depend heavily on the nature of the relationship between the basenoter and the
drinker.

    re .12
    
    If the person is a friend, then it *does* matter.  If the person tries
    to drag you into their "stuff", then it *does* matter.
    
    Judi
    

    re: enabling.
    
    Not recent -- it's been used for about fifty years in the halls of
    Al-Anon. 
    
    An enabler is one who through his/her actions or inactions, allows
    the active alcoholic to continue practicing his/her disease.  For
    example: a wife/husband calls work and makes excuses for the spouse
    not being at work, when the real reason is a hangover -- the caller
    is enabling the alcoholic.
    
    re: -1:  
    
    You can't make someone else stop drinking -- however, you can help them
    so that they themselves can stop.  That's the essence of AA.  Helping
    isn't futile, if you know why you're trying to help.
     
    					andrew

    As a sober individual for almost ten years, I don't know who I may help
    to stop drinking, but I certainly won't help anyone if I don't share my
    experience or get tough with them.  I will be forever indebted to a
    former roommate of mine who helped me when I had hit bottom.  A third
    roommate followed and we all three have been sober ever since.  We got
    equally as tough with the fourth roommate, but he wasn't ready.  I
    don't think the three of us really thought he wanted to get sober, but
    we extended our hands to him just in case.  It was ultimately his
    decision.
    
    Hitting bottom for me was much accelerated by other friends who loved me
    enough to say they couldn't be with me while my life and drinking were
    so out of control.  They waited with open arms for me to get my act
    together.
    
    No matter what your relationship with the roommate, you *may* be able
    to help.  The help may not be apparent until sometime later.  But you
    are under no obligation to help this person.  If s/he is a friend, you
    may want to try the tough love approach, with Al-Anon's help.  If this
    person is simply a living companion, you may just want to walk away.
    
    Sure, the "success" rate of AA, Al-Anon and other 12-step programs may
    be low, but when it works, it WORKS!
    
    Nancy_just_another_lush
    

    Al-Anon saved my life, and sanity.  I would be happy to accompany
    you to a meeting or meetings if that's possible and you would like
    me to do so.  The only ones I'm familiar with are in the Nashua, NH, 
    area, but Al-Anon (and AA) meetings are practically everywhere.
    
    I can be reached on XCUSME::QUAYLE (I liked it much better when
    our node was FEISTY) or Ann Quayle @MKO, or DTN 264 7570, (603)
    884 7570.
    
    My thoughts and prayers are with you.
    
    aq
    

    re: .19 --
    
    >AA *may* be able to help (and *its* success rate is LOW).
    
    Yes, AA's success rate is low -- But, as a point of comparison, there
    is no other form of dealing with alcoholism that even comes close to
    AA's success rate.
    
    					andrew