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Conference turris::womannotes-v2

Title:	ARCHIVE-- Topics of Interest to Women, Volume 2 --ARCHIVE
Notice:	V2 is closed. TURRIS::WOMANNOTES-V5 is open.
Moderator:	REGENT::BROOMHEAD

Created:	Thu Jan 30 1986
Last Modified:	Fri Jun 30 1995
Last Successful Update:	Fri Jun 06 1997
Number of topics:	1105
Total number of notes:	36379

1058.0. "When he says he's confused and needs time...?" by RANGER::TARBET (Haud awa fae me, Wully) Wed Mar 28 1990 11:08

    The following request for advice and insight is from a member of our
    community who wishes to remain anonymous at this time.

    							=maggie
    ====================================================================

    He says he confused and needs time.  You know he loves you and as he
    opens up like he never has before, he tells you he has never felt so
    strongly about someone before.  At this time you feel for him more as a
    "friend" because you realize his inner turmoil.  You say you understand
    and that things will work out.  You console each other and actually
    feel closer than ever before.  

    That more or less sums up the scenario of our last meeting.  There were
    events that led up to this of course.  One on my part of sensing
    uncertainty in him which he never openly expressed even when the
    subject was brought up.  One important fact about this whole two-year
    relationship is that I am a divorced female with two children. Now,
    there is also an age difference --he is a bit younger-- but we are both
    in "tune" with one another.  He has never been married and has no
    children.  He is attached to mine, although a bit more to my daughter.
    There has recently been a "barrier" between him and my son as there was
    not in the beginning.  Now there is a chance that I may never be able
    to have more children.  This I was all very open about right from the
    start.  All issues of children have been somewhat discussed. 

    Now this relationship has been very special and tender and a bond of
    friendship and love exists.  His  conflict is bewildering to me, but I
    do understand some of it and truly feel for him.  Now, he has taken an
    abrupt vacation to...well "escape" and think.  He said he would call,
    as of yet nothing, it been almost a week. If two people truly love one
    another and care so much about one another can things eventually work
    out?  Do they???  

    I feel so empty inside right now.  It's hard, it hard to sleep
    and just go on with the daily  routine.  Yes, I must add he holds his
    family very high and I know I've been somewhat of a "mystery lady" to
    them.  I know his family is concerned about his recent behavior.  He
    keeps a lot inside.  I will be talking with Mom as I feel she may be
    concerned and I need to be honest with her.  We both deserve that
    respect.  I'm sorry to run on but, I wanted you to understand as much
    of the relationship that I can write.  Has anyone any insight or
    similar experiences to share?  Feel free to be open and honest.

T.R	Title	User	Personal Name	Date	Lines
1058.1	cross-posted from mennotes	DEMING::GARDNER	justme....jacqui	`Wed Mar 28 1990 13:17`	15
	<<< QUARK::NOTES_DISK:[NOTES$LIBRARY]MENNOTES.NOTE;1 >>> -< Topics Pertaining to Men >- ================================================================================ Note 431.2 He says he's confused and needs time? 2 of 2 DEMING::GARDNER "justme....jacqui" 8 lines 28-MAR-1990 12:16 -< FWIW.... >- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A book written in 1987, out in paperback, by Steven Carter titled "Men Who Can't Love" might be worth checking out for your reading list on this situation you are experiencing. It is about men not being able to make committments and running away from them. It is written FOR women to better understand one aspect of some males. justme....jacqui
1058.2	Time heals	MEMIT::MAHONEY	ANA MAHONEY DTN 223-4189	`Wed Mar 28 1990 13:22`	15
	I think he is doing the right thing... To think things over very carefully before committing himself for life to something he is not quite sure about. Put yourself in his shoes. It is a big responsibility to marry and find oneself with two children fathered by another man, that he cannot call his own... he might not be able to be a father either (you said you might not be able to have more children) he has the responsability of raising your children, give them an education (you know how much college costs these days) and a thousand other things that develop within a normal household... He needs time to think things over. He is showing a lot of maturity by doing what he is doing. Be patient, he seems a very decent person and he will contact you soon or later, and if he doesn't, accept that too. That shows he is not ready to take what lies ahead at this moment... Hearts mend, and time cures heartaches... I wish you the best of luck. God bless...
1058.3	be glad to help	BRAT::GERMANN		`Wed Mar 28 1990 15:18`	10
	To the originator of this note... I'd like the chance to share with you directly. I know where you are - I've been there. I am not ready to bare my soul here, but would like to help where I can. If interested, contact me by mail. Perhaps we can even help each other! Ellen
1058.4	Be patient and strong!	CAM::ARENDT	Harry Arendt CAM::	`Wed Mar 28 1990 16:58`	22
	It seems to be a good idea for him to consider his position. Don't worry about the week long delay, he probably doesn't want to call you until he has come to some sort of decision or understanding about himself, what he feels and what he wants. As for the kids, I think I have experience in this realm that I can share with you. I have been a Big Brother to a kid whose parents are permanently seperated for 3 years. Tommy is my responsibility because I say so, it is something that I took on and then I made it work. Your man can do the same thing if he is willing to put in the effort. As for having more children, that is a decision that you two can make together even if you cannot have more children by childbirth, the world needs more stable, loving families who can adopt. My wife and I brought home our 5 week old boy on April 12, 1989 and finalized our adoption this week on monday, Robbie is my son in every sense of the word. Your situation sounds like it will require more work than some others but don't rule out any possibilities! Harry P.S. Tommy and Robbie are great friends!
1058.5	Its hard to wait..	EAYV01::MMCKECHNIE		`Wed Apr 11 1990 06:47`	13
	Hi, Although your SO is being mature and kind this doesn;t stop you from feeling confused. In a way I believe hes doing the right thing but on the other hand I feel he's being a bit selfish. Do you need to take time out ? Your dealing with lots too. Why can't he tell you his doubts, worries......You sound a brill girl so I think hes lucky to have you. Hope everything works out.......Mags