Conference turris::womannotes-v2

    
    Barb,
    
    Sorry things aren't going better. It sounds as if they are improved
    over before he was on the anti-depressants, so maybe this set-back
    is only a temporary one caused by all the stress. 
    
    Why don't you try to do something nice for yourself, like have dinner
    at a nice restaurant or take a long bath, or something else enjoyable,
    to try to distance the problem a little?
    
    Sorry I don't have any better ideas. Just take it easy on yourself.
    Give yourself a break this week. Remember you deserve it.
    
    Roberta

    From your description, Barb, it sounds like short-term situational
    stress:  some people really get invested in academic success and
    only an A is good enough.  That's enough to stress anybody out.
    
    I second Roberta's suggestion:  do yourself something unusual and
    nice, really treat yourself.  And if you can precede it with a good
    workout of some kind to relieve the physical symptoms, so much the
    better!
    
    Take care.  One day at a time.
    
    						=maggie

    
    Barb,
    
    	One of the great limiting factors of electronic communication
    is the inability to give hugs when they're really needed.  Since
    I can't give you a real hug, I'll send some mental hugs your way.
    I hope that the situation works out in a way that will give you
    the happiness that you deserve.
    
    GO IRISH!
    
    Rachel

    Ah, Barb!  I have been amazed and touched by your strength of
    character and breadth of activity -- and all of it marked by
    compassion -- for as long as you have been here.  It would not
    occur to me that you could have down times (Complete physical
    collapse, yes.), and it probably doesn't occur to your husband
    either.
    
    So.  Don't read any serious novels, or any enlightening articles
    or books.  Stick with light, humorous works:  _The_Grand_Sophy_
    by Georgette Heyer for romance, any of the Peter Shandy of Balaclava
    Agricultural College by Charlotte McClaud (That's misspelled.) for
    mystery, _The_Hitchhiker's_Guide_to_the_Galaxy_ by Douglas Adams
    for science fiction.  Buy an enormous, fluffy towel, have that
    long, hot bath, and wrap yourself in that towel when you're done.
    Eat some good chocolate, and watch some silly mindless show on TV.
    
    Call your friends, and ask them to tell you funny stories.
    
    						Ann B.

    re .0  Barb, please call your SO's physician and investigate 
    the possibility that the dosage of his medication is a bit
    too high. When one is a bit 'high' one is generally not as 
    sensitive as normal. He may be sensitive to his own feelings, 
    but not as able to discern yours. Medical science isn't
    perfect. Meanwhile, have another hug. (no-one ever OD'd on
    'em :-) )
    
    Dana

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ hugs, Barb }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

    I agree with those who say do something for yourself!  You need
    to be sure *you* don't get dragged into depression, too.  To the
    good suggestions already made, I would add long phone conversations
    with good friends (on any topic, not necessarily on your situation),
    a "night out" with some friend who can always make you laugh, or
    even 'giving an ear" to someone else's problems *if* you have the
    stamina.  
    
    That last suggestion, given somewhat hesitantly, is *NOT*
    to make you think you're not as bad off as they are, but just to
    help you feel less alone in terms of having "problems."  If it wouldn't
    have that particular effect on *you*, then *don't* do it!  (Hope
    I've made myself clear on this one!)
    
    My husband has had bouts of depression (not clinical, however) and
    when I would say something about it he would reply, "I have a RIGHT
    (REASON) to be depressed!" which was *very* frustrating!  You have
    to do whatever is necessary in the short term to preserve your own
    sanity!
    
    Good luch and another hug!
    
    Nancy
    

ditto on all that (hugshugshugs).

Plus, if he's got a sense of humor, see if you can give it a run around the
block. For instance, when I think that Joe is just a _smidge_ over-tied to his
work, I say something like "Yeah, DEC'll fall apart if you don't work this
Sunday." And give him a smile and a laugh. Perspective can help _if_ he can
hear it.
	Mez

       Barb, speaking as one who has lived through "valium hell" I
       second the advice to check with your SO's doctor.
       Anti-depressants and tranquilizers can actually produce exactly
       the symptoms they are trying to supress if the dosage is wrong.
       Add the stress of school and your SO just may not be able to deal
       with it. These drugs may also make a person paranoid so that may
       be a problem also. Ckeck it out. liesl

    Thank you all so much for your warmth and care!  I'm just soaking
    up the hugs and warm wishes like a sponge in water.  Maybe they
    can help see me through the rest of the week (and 2 more mid-terms).
    I also liked the ideas offered.  I'll call Mike's doctor and find
    out if the dosage might need revision.  I've also been "invited"
    to join Mike in his counseling session this Friday, so hopefully,
    he'll be ready to communicate by then.  In the meantime, I just
    want you to know how special it is to be able to count on my friends.
    What would I do without you?
    
    Hugs Back,
    Barb
                          
                          
                          
                          
                          

    
    
    Barb,
    
    You also might try exercise, a real perspiring, heavy breathing
    type program. 
    
    Take my word for it it really helps. My wife and I were going though
    the same thing you are now. We started a exercise program together,
    we made the time 5am to exercise.
    
    Honestly what a difference, and no drugs either.
    
    You also might try getting away someplace even if it's for a short
    time.
    
    Most of all we all care!
    
    Cal.
      

    Just a bit of a nit here.  I wouldn't take your therapist's comment
    about that six month time limit for your husband to straighten up too
    literally.  Stress related depressions, anxieties, etc. don't know how
    to tell time.  I don't know if your husband might have some underlying
    problems that are contributing to all this, maybe not.  But if he does,
    chances are it took years for them to develop.  To expect them to go
    away in some short predetermined time limit seems a little
    unreasonable.  It does seem that your husband is trying to deal with
    them, though

    I think the advice you received about getting his medication checked is
    a really good suggestion.  
    
    Anyway, if all this gets to be a bigger problem than it currently is,
    there are all sorts of various programs to help you and your husband
    individually, and/or as a couple, to cope. 
    
    Just be good to yourself.  All the suggestions you received about
    things for you to do for yourself are good ones.  The important thing
    to remember is you can help best if you are on as even a keel as
    possible. 
    
    Finally, an unexpected hug has always made my day a whole lot easier.
    I bet it would for him too.  (And you!)
                                                       
    Good luck!
    
    Mike 
    (Take it from someone who has had lots of personal experience with
    these kind of problems.) 

    Barb,
    
    Multo hugs for you.......
    
    During grad. school, I'd always warn my roommate about upcoming
    papers and exams, knowing that I'd go into a "grumpy mode".  We
    devised a fun system that helped me through the grind.  She would
    edit my papers...if I got an "A", she'd get a banana split, if I
    got a "B", she'd get a hot fudge sundae, and if I got a "C", she'd
    get an ice cream cone.  Since we both loved ice cream, it was just
    what I needed to pull me through.  That, and talking on the phone
    to friends.
    
    Perhaps a "thank goodness exams are finally over" celebration would
    help things?  Whatever the scale, from the simple to the extravagent,
    might be enough to keep him going.  Yes, there are other things
    going on that need attention, but it sounds like you both need a
    bit of ego stroking.  Take the time to do things for yourself, but
    also think of something for the two of you.
    
    Whenever the course work got overwhelming, I would try to step back
    and remember _why_ I was in the program in the first place, and
    that the particular course was just a piece of the whole picture,
    and there were more interesting courses ahead.
    
    Good luck,
    Judi
    

    
    More hugs, Barb.  I second (or is that seventh) doing something
    nice for yourself.
    
    Keep us posted regarding progress.
    
    Sending some New England warmth,
    am

When I get really frustrated/annoyed/aggravated, I find that a nice drive on
some twisting and winding roads at high speeds takes the edge off things.
It is especially helpful to have some music on really loud that you can sing/
scream at the top of your lungs to. I find it very theraputic. <don't exceed
the speed limit :-), at least I can't encourage you to do so> Be careful,
though. Do not try this at home. These folks are trained professionals. :-)

In general, very loud music can help you ease your frustration, even without
the benefit of a rapidly moving automobile. It is also less dangerous (unless
you live in an apartment).

 The Doctah

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Hang in there!

               

    Hi Barb,
    
    I hope you're feeling a wee bit better today!  
    
    I just did this during my lunchhour today and I think it might
    take your mind off things for a few minutes anyway.
    
    I went to CVS for my annual Valentine card-getting spree - I wasn't
    in the best of moods, either.  Well, I started reading the humorous
    card section (you know those "shoebox greetings" cards?) and had
    myself a few good, cheap laughs!  The cards were hysterical!!  Just
    smiling for a few minutes helped a little (doesn't solve a whole
    lot - but it does feel good).  
    
    So run some errands on your lunchhour and read something short and
    funny!
    
    Warmly, 
    Dorothy

    Barb,
    
    First of all, big "arms-around-you" hugs.  You deserve them.  I
    have been tremendously impressed in reading your notes with all
    that you do for others.  You are a very strong and courageous woman,
    especially now.
    
    Dealing with someone with clinical depression is not easy.  I have
    been involved with a man for almost 5 years now who has depressive
    episodes, and they aren't fun for either of us.  When things get
    really bad, I am reminded of my mother saying "It says in the Bible,
    'It came to pass...'".  The implication being that none of these
    horrors are meant to be part of our lives forever.  Dig in, hold
    on, and eventually it will pass.
    
    Meanwhile, know that I at least admire you tremendously, and wish
    you great love and all good...
    
    Alison
    

    There is a tremendous power in the written word.  I realized that
    once again after I entered the basenote earlier this week, and almost
    immediately began receiving mail.  Those warm and wonderful messages
    of "I care" and "Write if you need to talk" filled the emptiness
    inside me, and made me aware of how really "empty" I had been feeling.
    Because of your kindness, my world began to look hopeful once again,
    and I felt I could get through whatever I need to get through without
    falling apart.  Each one of you in "netland" really can make a
    difference in a person's life!  I'm not sure that you really realize
    just how much power your words and the thoughts behind them can
    really make, so I thought I would take a moment to remind you.
    
    Michael finally began speaking to me on Wednesday evening, now that
    his biggest final is out of the way.  He eventually apologized for
    not being especially nice, but said he had been very concerned about
    his tests.  I pointed out that he had chosen to reject three days
    of support, care, love and understanding that might have made him
    at least feel a little better about the pressures he was under.
    I also expressed how it made both me and the children feel; then
    I let the subject drop.  Today, we both go see his therapist.  I
    have been "invited" for the first time, so I will try to find out
    more about Mike's particular problems and learn what I can about
    dealing with them and being supportive to the rest of the family
    while we're in this situation.  In the meantime, life goes on. 
    With your help, I've bounced back yet another time:), so I think
    I'm gonna be okay for awhile.
    
    Revived At Last...
    
    Barb

    Glad to hear thing are going a bit better for you.  I'm just catching
    up on notes I've missed in the last couple days, but here's a
    retroactive {hug} and a :-)
    
    Remember, "Tough times never last; tough people do."  You're doing
    all the right things -- acknowledging your feelings, expressing
    them to you husband and to others, and doing some special things
    to take care of yourself.  I admire your strength and how "in touch"
    with your feelings you are.  Hang in there!
    
    (Here's an extra :-) to take for whenever you need it!)...Lisa V...
    

    A quote:
    
    "No one is truly alone who has friends".
    
    (From Frank Capra's "It's A Wonderful Life")
    
    Your friend in NOTES,
    
    K.C.

    Try doing something for BOTH of you.
    
    When my hubby or I are travelling (often on business over weekends),
    when we can't take it anymore and are beginning to get nasty with
    each other, we set a Saturday or Sunday aside as "Slave Day".
    
    I'm his slave; he's mine.
    
    You'll find out that you'll end up asking for one or two "put me
    out" items (like breakfast in bed), but you'll spend the rest of
    the day asking the other to curl up on the coach with you, go for
    a walk, etc.
    
    It's kindness-times-two.