Conference turris::womannotes-v2

    
    Adele,
    
    How are you???  It's been a long time!  Have you spoken
    to Judy lately?  I haven't seen her in more than a year.
    
    Where are you located now?
    
    Thanks for the welcome, this is a good conference.
    
    Tom

    Consider *all* alternitives. 
    - are there no Univ's around or is it that one paticular one is
    not near by? Investigate the possibilities of another school.
    
    - Move closer to where the school is, if possible, more of a
    geographical middle point. (I wasn't clear if partners are living
    together at this point).
    
    Rather than working at persuading your partner, work more with
    communicating the reasons it is important for you to be going to
    the school. Also why partner B is important enough to you to want
    "B" with you. Ask yourself this question as well! 
    
    If, in this instance, you are speaking of a great geographical boundry,
   (between states, across country), then maybe your dreams of an education
    and the future do not meet/mesh with the dreams/future plans of
    your partner. This would be important to discuss. B's unwillingness
    to move might be an indication that B will stay without you, read:
    it's time for you to move on.
    
    The art of really communicating about the root issue is what is
    important for any big decisions. It leads to the long lost art of
    compromise. If A's issues are as important to B as they are to A
    then a compromise will be found.
    
    Gail

    
    
    Good suggestions Gail,  I guess there are many things to be 
    considered here.  For Partner A to get what they want it would
    mean a move to another country, partner A is not happy with the
    current location and the universities are not within consideration.
    
    There are some major communication problems in this relationship,
    the university issue is one of them but all decisions become a 
    crisis.
    
    At what point have you compromised too much?  How much should you
    be willing to give up to stay in a relationship?  These are mostly
    philisophical issues since it's difficult for someone else from the
    outside to judge.
    

    re: < Note 391.5 by AZUR::HACHE >

�    At what point have you compromised too much?  How much should you
�    be willing to give up to stay in a relationship?  These are mostly
�    philisophical issues since it's difficult for someone else from the
�    outside to judge.

    I concur wholeheartedly.  There is no one "correct" way to
    resolve issues such as this.  We each have to do what 
    "feels right" to us...  life is always a series of decisions,
    compromises, hard choices.   If there's never any pain, you're dead.
    
    /bruce
    

    If you are asking yourself "Am I compromising to much for this 
    relationship?" you probably already are. It sound like your needs
    for education (ie your planning for your future) is not a high priority
    to your partner. 
    
    I strongly suggest that you don't compromise your future for the uncertainty
    of this relationship, you'll only end up regretting it in the future.

    You mentioned that your communication problems don't begin and end
    with this University issue. Repairing communication's problems that
    have existed for a while will be very difficult, it's hard enough
    repairing them in a new relationship. You and your partener need
    to decide if you are both willing to give the extra effort to your
    relationship. Is it worth it you? To your partner? 
    
    I hope for the best for you,
    
    Gail

I believe one of the important parts of a good relationship is the ability for
both partners to negotiate. (Compromise is part of negotiation).

What this means to me is that with any major issue that affects both of you,
requires sitting down together and going over what is most important to each
of you and what your priorities are. A resolution probably means both people
giving up something, but somehow holding on to those things of highest 
priority.

This requires honesty, and also listening and understanding to what the real
needs of your partner are. If either partner is not willing to negotiate, and
compromise then it is very difficult to resolve major problems (whatever
they are). So if you are the one always compromising, then there is a basic
problem in the relationship that may not go away...

I hope you resolve this issue.

Muggsie    

    have you considered a long-distance relationship?  they CAN
    work out. whether its 200 miles apart, east coast west coast,
    or on different contintnets, it is possible to keep the relationship
    and still achieve different goals.  i personally know of 3
    married couples who experieced this, for periodes of 2 to 5
    years.  all are still married & living happily ever after...
    or at least as happy as humans get ... :-)
    
    this way you don't dissolve the relationship, while at the same
    time you work towards individual goals.  if the relationship
    dies at a later stage, at least you will have continued to 
    develope as you wanted to.
    
    I've also been in such,  if you'd like to talk about it, feel free
    to call
    
    mary