Conference turris::womannotes-v2

    Martha,
    
      I cannot say what you might be feeling as a woman, but; I did
    go through a divorce about 4 1/2 year ago and it was a drain on
    me mentally.  I went through the "bitter" stage but realized as
    the years went by what I had done which allowed it to happen.
    
      Advice: If you must complete the process, get an early court 
              date and go through the process with the thought in
              mind that you have to look out for "Martha" at this 
              point.  You've done your best and been more than 
              understanding/patient.
    
    I am truely sorry...good luck Martha
    
    Ron

    I have been divorced for 11 years, and yes, it is a very painful
    time, even when you know it has to be.
    
    I foolishly let myself be blackmailed by my ex.  His behaviour had
    been very unreasonable - lots of other women - treating our young
    son very badly and of course, myself.
    
    Like you I reached a point where I could take any more, as soon
    as I mentioned divorce he suddenly loved me and wanted me, but I
    knew deep down that he wouldn't change.
    
    When I continued, he threatened to name a man in the divorce - we
    ran a pub at the time and he just a 'pulled a customers name out
    of a hat' a really nice guy, married with kids, with whom I had
    never been involved.  I thought it would wreck his marriage if my
    husband carried out his threats.  
    
    I believed him and gave into his demands i.e. he took just about
    everything - my solicitor thought I was mad (which I must have been),
    however, I just wanted out of the situation.
    
    I have certainly lived to regret what I did, I've struggled alone
    whereas he lived in a nice property, subsequently sold and bought
    more and made lots of money on the way.
    
    As you can gather, my advice is don't give in to blackmail, I'm
    sure any court would agree that you should have a 50/50 split of
    everything.
    
    Good luck and believe me - there is a light at the end of the tunnel
    - walk towards it.
    
    Brenda
                                    

    
    Martha,
    
    I wish you much strength as you go through this.
    You may want to take a look at note 314 in mennotes.
    It is a very interesting article on divorce pointers
    which might help you.  Just substitute husband where
    the word wife appears.
    
    God Bless and Be Strong,
    
    Michele

    Hi, Martha. I'm sorry that you're feeling the pain you're going
    through now.
    
    I've gone through two divorces - one "easy" and one "not-so-easy".
    Either way, they're painful.
    
    I'm not sure what state you live in.
    
    Here, in Massachusetts, there is legally no longer the concept
    of an "innocent" partner versus a "guilty" partner, as far as 
    the division of marital assets are concerned. Even if one partner
    is guilty as hell, he or she, officially, is entitled to half the
    joint property.
    
    And while one partner can contest a divorce, it ultimately has no
    practical effect, except for delaying the time until the divorce
    is final.
    
    One no longer needs "permission" from a spouse to get a divorce.
    
      Alan 

    I've been there too, Martha, only I had children involved.  I won't
    go into the lengthy details, but if I can be of further support,
    please write me via mail.
    
    Warm Thoughts-
    Barb

	I have gone through 2 divorces, both in Massachusetts.  The
	first one there were/are two children and in many ways that one
	is still not resolved.

	The second was really bad for me and I wanted out of the marriage
	he wouldn't move out of my house nor would he buy it from me.
	So I left him, six months later he borrowed money from me to move
	across country and I moved back into my house.  He had done a
	fair amount of damage to the house but the worst thing was that
	he had not paid any bills for three months before he left - so I
	was afraid after that that he would come back and cause me even
	more trouble.

	Because he left the state I had to wait x+ months longer for the
	divorce and all that time I feared his return.

	My only advice to you is to stand firm on what you feel you need
	to get through this and keep checking with yourself as to how you
	feel about what is happening.  It might be a good idea to start
	a diary/journal because it is really easy to get confused about
	what is happening and sometimes but keeping a journal you can
	pull yourself back to why you are doing what you are doing.

	_peggy

		(-)
		 |
			Take care of yourself and for yourself
				if it seems bad for you it probably is.

    
    re .4
    
    That's not entirely accurate.  Mass is not a community property
    state and there is not a presumption that the joint marital property
    will be split 50/50.  We are an "equitable distribution"
    state and the contribution of the parties, the relative needs of
    the parties, the earning abilities of the parties, (the courts are
    very concerned about any possibility that one of the parties might
    end up on the welfare roles) can all be considered.  Today something
    close to a 50/50 split is becoming more common. When the divorce is 
    filed for "grounds' (e.g.  adultery, cruelty etc.) then the
    "misbehavior" of a party will come out at the trial
    and may influence the judges decision re property.  However, most
    courts try, through mediation etc., to get the property issues settled
    before the case goes before a judge.  
    
    
    My advice, given the current situation between you and your husband,
    is to stop talking to him about any issues to do with the divorce.
    Let your attorney handle it.  I don't believe that you and he can
    negotiate this youselves given his state of mind and you will only
    increase your own pain and aggravation by continuing to deal with
    him at this time.
    
    As to his adultery threat - Adultery is grounds for a divorce but
    he would have to show "opportunity and inclination" which doesn't
    mean pictures of you in the act but requires some pretty heavy
    circumstantial evidence.  I wouldn't worry about it.  It's emotional
    blackmail.  He'd have to file a countersuit and go through alot
    of expense and effort to do something which isn't likely to buy
    him much of anything.  (His attorney should advise against it as
    not being in his best interests.)
    
    I've been through  a divorce with a man who acted very similarly
    and I've represented people in similar situations.  It's painful
    and I'm sorry that you have to go through it.  Good luck.
    
    Polly
                                          

    Thanks so much, all of you, for your responses both here and sent
    to me personally.  It helps so much and makes a person feel so less
    alone in something like this when you can correspond with people
    who have been through the same thing.
    
    Just last night, we were able to have our first good talk in weeks
    - just like 'old friends'.  And he expressed the desire to keep
    it like this - how much it helped him.  He apologized for his behaviour
    these last couple of weeks - and I just let him know that of course
    I understood - but that I felt that I didn't even know him anymore
    and that he had been really scaring me.  As it turns out, he didn't
    even know himself as he was working this thru.
    
    We were able to rediscuss our settlement - not exactly what I had
    asked for but close enough - after all, I have to remind myself,
    its me who is turning his life topsy-turvy and making him have to
    reevaluate how he is going to go on with his life.
    
    Just wanted to give you all this update and again thank you.
    
    Martha

Martha,

I feel rather odd entering this note after your response - almost like
the topic is closed or something.  But your note struck such a strong chord in
me, as I am going through such a similar ordeal.  

There are two insights I can share with you.  NEither of them are original;
both came from people close to my heart who offered ME good advice
when I needed it.

Regarding the house and the money and the feeling of blackmail:

	My dear friend Donna reminded me that nothing is more precious
than peace of mind.  I, too, am selling a house with my husband, and
trying to figure out who gets what.  For the longest time, I have been very 
attached to getting a certain amount of $$ from the sale (a break even point.)
However, I am beginning to see that life with several thousand $$ of
debt w/o my husband will be infinitely healthier than any other
arrangment I could devise.  I would suggest you be willing to
CHOOSE for YOURSELF what is best.  And, if possible, choose your
mental health over your finanicla health.  After all, one is much harder
to recoup.

	The second piece of advice came from my dear friend and
therapist.  He said that a man's anger in this situation is
very real and to be respected.  He also said that I (you) might
be the target of the anger but possible not the source of it.  He also
(and finally) suggested that to live under the same roof with a furious,
ugly husband was tantamount to emotional if not physical suicide, and that
we quickly identify alternatives to our living arrangement.

	In re-reading this note, I sound so strident; but, in truth, this
is only my limited (albeit) unbpleasant experiences with what sound to
be a very similar situation.  Best of luck to you.  I hope you
come out of this with your head held high, content at the choices you made.

Peace,
Victoria

Victoria,

You don't sound strident. You sound precise and strong and sure. Take care.
	Mez