Conference turris::womannotes-v2

    is his mate male or female?

   
    
     RE:1     female....

    perhaps he thought she was interested in women?
    
    Bonnie

    313.0 is a male female relationship.....

    I gathered that, but my guess was that he was relieved because
    he thought she liked women..
    
    or another guess...he was relieved because he no longer has to
    guess, but now knows that she is unfaithful
    
    dunno
    
    B

    re: .0 (Wilson)
    
    		Possible Rationales for finding relief in infidelity:
    
    	1) Your friend is also fooling around on the side and is
    	   relieved that his mate shares his rather 'loose' attitudes.
    	   Perhaps he wishes to suggest they begin 'swapping'.
    
    	2) He may have harbored suspicion that his mate was fooling
    	   around, but was unable to verify them before.  This made
    	   him jealous and angry, and when the conflict was resolved
    	   (one way or another) his anxiety level reduced, thus
    	   producing a sensation of 'relief'.  (Anxiety can be very
    	   debilitating for those who are not used to it.)
    
    	3) He may have had fears that his mate was 'frigid' (perhaps
    	   due to decreased sexual activity in the preceeding months,
    	   as a result of the affair), and may have felt guilty 
    	   about it.  Many men feel than any lack of sexual 
    	   performance on their mate's part is a direct result of
    	   their skill (or lack thereof), thus making them 'responsible'
    	   for the sexual pleasure of their mate.  Perhaps when he
    	   found out what the real problem was, he was relieved to
    	   be free of the guilt (having mentally placed it on the
    	   shoulders of his mate, or better yet, her lover).
    
    	4) Quite likely the affair (and possibly previous ones as
    	   well) were putting strain on the relationship, and 
    	   he had previously not known the source of that strain
    	   (probably fearing that it was due to some lacking on his
    	   part).  Discovery of the real impetus for the tension
    	   at least makes the 'problem' understandable, and 
    	   understanding a problem is usually the first step in
    	   resolving it.  Thus, he may have been relieved because
    	   now he knows what's wrong and can make intelligent 
    	   choices about how to correct it.
    
    	   For what it's worth, I have witnessed exactly the same
    	attitude displayed by close relatives (who are now divorced).
    	In their case the 'relief' of discovery was quickly followed
    	by the realization that the situation was untenable.  
    	Subsequent vacilation of their opinions have been noted, 
    	as they progress through newer and newer revelations
    	(i.e. "the joys of loneliness", "the wonders of introspection",
    	and "the thrill of celibacy".)
    
    	- Greg

    Another possibility is that they are in one of those rare
    relationships where emotional fidelity is not measured by
    sexual exclusivity.  I know of such folks and they have
    expressed a sense of relief at finding that they could, and
    more importantly, *would want to* remain a couple after 
    encountering their first extramarital experience.  It was
    one thing to agree about non-exclusivity in theory, something
    else again to encounter it in practice.
    
    Steve
    

    
    I had a similar experience with an X-SO!  I came home early from
    a trip to SURPRISE him - only I was the one that got surprised -
    BIG TIME!
    
    Needless to say RELIEF was not the emotion that I experienced -
    TRY - SHOCK, HURT, ANGER, BETRAYAL, DISTRESS etc.  I guess the reaction
    in such a case bears a direct relationship to what you thought you
    had BEFORE the discovery.  If you thought your relationship was
    close and based on 100% trust, committment, and fidelity (which
    is what I THOUGHT) then you react accordingly.  
    
    My guess is he was RELIEVED because he SUSPECTED something going
    on.
    
    I'm not sure which is worse - both scenarios hurt like hell when
    you think about them.  My opinion is that the feeling of relief
    will be short lived and replaced by any one of a number of
    "normal" emotions one has to feel to grow through the experience.
    
    As for myself, I decided to play "hard ball" with my inner self
    and really get at what makes me tick so that I can understand the
    road to happy, healthy relationships.  I'm using it as an
    opportunity to do some serious soul searching into issues like
    Love Addictions, Co-Dependency Issues, etc. so "next time" *I*
    can walk away from something like this with my head on straight!
    It's a lot of work and pain (a ala one month "in patient" stint
    at a recovery retreat) but has a big payback in the long run.
    
    (It doesn't sound like he needs it, but anyone interested in a
    dynamite program to help with the traumas of "unplanned endings"
    should look into the "Survivor's Workshop" given by Mellody
    Enterprises Inc.  Toll free number 800-621-4062.)
    
    Dolly
    
    
    
    
    
    
    

    My guess agrees with Greg's #1.  I think he was probably unfaithful
    himself, guilty about it, and now relieved that he's not the only
    one who has been cheating.
    
    It could be worse, though.  Some people have gotten shot in situations
    like that, especially if there's a handgun in the house.  (Oh, but
    that's a *different* topic!)
    
    Lorna
    

    .0 didn't mention if the two "mates" are married or not.
    I assume not since it wasn't mentioned.  My first thought
    was that maybe the woman had been asking for more of a 
    commitment and he was relieved because now he has an excuse
    not to make that commitment.
    
    Nanci