Conference turris::womannotes-v2

    RE: .1
    
    > What you're suggesting is, at minimum, illegal and therefore any
    > advice/counsel you receive here would place the respondent at risk.
    
    Marge, I'm a little confused. What exactly is illegal about this
    situation?
    
    Are you referring to the archaic state laws that prohibit fornication,
    and adultery? (I haven't seen too many people recently getting locked
    up for becoming pregnant outside of marriage or having extra-marital
    affairs.)
    
      Alan

    RE: .3
    
    Marge, since the basenote was entered by one of the moderators,
    I imagine she felt it was within the bounds of good taste and
    legality.
    
    I also don't follow your assertion that it has little to do with
    a discussion of women's issues.
    
    It was the author's wife who originally suggested the "threesome".
    
    I suspect there may be other women who have also fantasized a
    scenario similar to this.
    
      Alan

        I also agree with .4 by FDCV16::ROSS
    
    This I consider to be very much a woman's issue; it deserves discussion
    just as all other topics.
    
    
    Chris
    

    I believe that the author is only looking for people with whom he can
    communicate privately about this matter.  
    
    Marge is correct:  technically, the conduct contemplated is illegal in
    most (all?) states in the US and for that reason I do think it would be
    inappropriate for anyone to reveal in here their personal experience
    except as couched in hypothetical terms.  But so far as I know there is
    nothing whatsoever illegal about talking about it or even planning for
    it.  As to its appropriateness here, there doesn't seem anything
    obviously INappropriate about it, so we should probably just wait and
    see whether women express interest in it...if they do, it is; if not,
    not. 
                                    
    						=maggie

    There is a local organization that explores and discusses alternate
    lifestyles locally.
    
    They are a great group of people, very intelligent, sensitive and
    caring.  They are not a sex club, simply a group that does not pass
    judgment and recognizes that different people have different needs
    in relationships and is supportive of the lifestyles that develop
    from those needs.
    
    Send mail for more information...there is also a note in Holistic
    about the group.

         Adultery is legal in California.
    
    ASP

    This is not illegal in the UK - other than a person can file for
    divorce because of adultry.  Seems like a daft idea to me - if you
    want to stay married and happy - don't bother to bring someone else
    into the relationship

    re: .9, .10
    
    Or it could be the beginning of an entirely new relationship for
    three people.
    
    ASP

    It would be the beginning of the end for any relationship I was
    involved in!  As a matter of fact, it would be the end.  I don't
    think there's anything "wrong" with it for other people.  It just
    isn't the way I choose to live.
    
    Lorna
    

    For another point of view, a three way can be verrrry nice when
    it works, but it is immensely hard to maintain: usually, someone
    ends up feeling like an outsider.
    
    I've known people in three-ways, and one or two of them were super,
    but they have all broken up.
    
    One thing to keep in mind is that y'all need to be comfortable with
    loving each other, including the two members of the same sex.  You
    should also get comfortable with the idea of sometimes catching
    your two honeys in bed with each other (minimum).  Two people in
    love with one person but not in love with each other don't really
    make for a good three-way.
    
    Lee

       I don't think that a sexual/relationship group has to be the
       beginning of the end. There are quite a few people who still
       believe in polygymy and seem to have long term relationships.
       However, in any odd number group of human beings there is a
       tendancy for two individuals to gang up on the third. This occurs
       in friendships as well as love groups. We studied this in one of
       my communications classes. When the main culture doesn't support
       group relationships I think it would tend to make life difficult
       if you were in one. The same as lesbian and gay couples have
       difficulty "acting like couples" in public. liesl

    Ophra Winfrey's show today (Tues. 20th), will be discussing
    3-way relationships.  I hope everyone set their VCRs.
    
    Dorothy

    Well, I caught the last 15 minutes of the show.  The 2 points
    that I was able to catch, was that 3-way relationships generally
    do not last very long.  The guests on the show, however, were
    examples of 3-way, marriage-type of relationships, where the
    3 actually lived together for a while (one threesome [1 Male,
    2 Female] was considering having children).
    
    The second point made was that this was a very common fantasy
    among men, and not too common among women.
    
    Dorothy

    Re .16, regarding 3-way relationships being a fantasy for men more
    often than women - No Kidding!!!  Why is it that one man and two
    women having sex is a fantasy, but one woman and two men having
    sex is a gang-bang?  Either way, the women seem to me to be the
    ones who are having something put over on them i.e. being taken
    advantage of!  (I know, I know, there are women out there who think
    both scenarios would be hunky dory, but I think *most* women would
    not - while - just maybe - *most* men would.)
    
    I agree with George Michael - "sex is best when it's one on one"
    - :-)
    
    Lorna
    

    re: .17
    
    Would it seem more democratic or less of women being taken advantage
    of if it were a three-some consisting of 3 women?  Or 3 men?
    

    Re .18, well, you caught me looking at it from the angle of a straight
    woman!!!  :-)  I didn't even think of the other two possibilities
    - all 3 of the same sex.  I don't know.  I guess I don't see the
    same "taken advantage of" situation when all three people are of
    the same sex.  I think our straight society has a problem with straight
    men trying to dominate straight women and that's what prompted my
    feelings.  (I was brought up to believe that if I did anything that
    would make men think I was a "whore" that I would then have trouble
    finding a "decent" man who would consider me special enough to
    date/live with/marry, etc.  That's part of it.  The other part is
    that I just don't think group situations are special enough, and
    the last part is that - frankly - the thought of 2 people mauling
    me at once makes me want to throw up!  In some ways, even *I'm*
    conservative!)
    
    Lorna
    

    re:author......
    
    Would you be as excited about a three way relatioship if the "friend"
    of your wife was a male?  How would you feel if your wife said that
    she would like to bring in another man "just to see if she liked
    it"? The relationship may be strained a bit. Ask her how she would
    feel if YOU brought in another man into the relationship.
    
    Of course, she may try the relationship, or may have already tried
    the relationship without your knowledge. The other female may not
    like having to share your wife with you. You may not like having
    to share the new friend with your wife.
    
    I think you both better explore as many ramifications as possible
    before jumping into this. I think most will agree that if your marriage
    is on solid ground it might survive this challange, if it is not,
    then this could crumble it.
    
    Good Luck,
    
    Ken

    The guests on the show were of the 2-female, 1-male relationship.
    From what I could gather in the 15 minutes I saw, was that the
    audience was more hostile to the men in the relationship (getting
    the best of everything, etc.) then they were to the women.  The
    women in the relationship were viewed more as fools; as the ones
    being taken advantage of.
    
    I would venture to say, although I didn't hear it mentioned on 
    the show, is that the majority of 3-way relationships (whether they
    be temporary or permanent) are of the 1 male, 2 female variety.
    
    Dorothy

    Re: .20 (Ken Upton)
    
    
>    Would you be as excited about a three way relatioship if the "friend"
>    of your wife was a male?  
    
    I didn't see anything in the text of .0 to indicate whether the
    friend was female or male, though I suppose a natural assumption
    is that the friend is female (also assuming the husband is
    straight), as he thought it might be exciting.
    
    For this particular male, I would not be interested in such a situation
    over the long term.  I'm not terribly sure I'd want it even
    short-term.
    
    					Steve

    re:.19
    
    �...well, you caught me looking at it from the angle of a straight
    woman!!!  :-)  I didn't even think of the other two possibilities
    - all 3 of the same sex....�
    
    And then there's the intermediary step. 2-women/1-man in which the
    women are bisexual or 2-men/1-woman in which the men are bisexual.
    
    These could be seen in the same light as the all_of_the_same_sex
    scenarios, though, since there is essentially an equitable balance
    of sexual preference (i.e. each person has no "preferential advantage"
    over either of the other two).
    
    It doesn't seem to me that there would be much point to a three-way
    relationship *without* such a preferential balance.
    
    --- jerry

    I find the idea of having two men at the same time to be, er,
    shall we say, intriguing?
    
    I don't think I'd ever do it, however.  I talk a big show but
    at bottom I'm a coward . . .
    
    --bonnie

    re: .27 
    
    One may reap great rewards from defying social convention, but one
    must also pay a certain price.  The sorts of things I fear
    include:
    
    Having neighbors who disapprove of us taking their prejudices
    out on my children.
    
    Having my job prospects hurt by a prejudiced manager.
    
    Having my children taken away from me because someone decides
    a three-way environment is bad for the children.
    
    Losing family contact.

    I would also be worried about the effect my behavior would have on
    my children.  If the relationship truly were loving and sharing,
    it would be fine, but if something went wrong?  Having a second
    man involved would, it seems, double the chances that the children
    would lose someone valuable to them. 
    
    And then there's the impact on the present relationship.  It takes
    time, energy, and commitment to maintain a healthy relationship of
    any kind, be it sexual or merely friendly.  To not just maintain
    but to also expand a loving relationship can sometimes take all
    the goodwill both of us have.  We disagree, we fight, we sulk, we
    make up.  Adding another person, of either sex, adds another
    entire layer of potential disagreements, differences, and
    incompatibilities.  It's bad enough when Neil likes to get up
    early and I like to sleep in late.  What time is this theoretical
    new person going to want to get up?  How long does he spend in the
    bathroom?  And is he going to want to eat breakfast?   This may
    seem trivial, but it's the kind of thing that can make or break a
    marriage. 
    
    And if it doesn't work, there are three people hurt, not just two. 

    --bonnie