Conference turris::womannotes-v2

    Barb,
    
    My divorce was nowhere near as traumatic as yours.  Even so,
    it's been five years (and three weeks and two days, but who
    cares? ;-) since our separation, and I have no interest in
    remarrying.  For me, the answer to the question, "Marriage?"
    is "Did that.".
    
    I'd say, just live your life, do what interests you, and try out
    something new from time to time.  You may well find (as I have)
    that a man will occasionally come up to you and (metaphorically)
    say, "Hi!  I'm interested in making you part of my life, at least
    for a while.  How about it?"
    
    						Ann B.

    I was single for almost six years after my marriage fell apart.
    I don't believe my divorce was as traumatic as yours was, but...
    well, no one goes through a totally non-traumatic divorce, right??
    
    As I learned I could make it on my own, I gained a great deal of
    self-confidence, and along with that, learned to like myself again
    for the first time in years.  It was such a nice feeling.  I guess
    the first couple of years were getting my feet on the ground, and
    the next four I sincerely believed with all my heart that I'd never
    marry again.  Yes, being single had its lonely moments, but I could
    always count on ME and that was worth enough to more than balance
    out the negative aspects.
    
    Well, I met this guy I worked with -- a Digital employee in another
    state who worked with my customers and therefore visited my town fairly
    frequently.  We became good friends, then the best of friends, and I
    finally woke up one morning and realized that without this person in my
    life, there would be a great big, gaping, empty hole.  Scared me to
    death. Well, our friendship continued to develop into much more, and we
    were married 17 months ago.  It was the best decision I've ever made in
    my life.  This marriage is so different from the first that they don't
    even deserve to be called the same thing! 
    
    So... the moral of the story is that being gun shy doesn't necessarily
    mean you won't get taken by surprise one of these days.  But if you
    were to sit around and wait for it to happen, you'd just be wishing
    your life away.  So in my opinion your attitude is healthy.  Don't LOOK
    for romantic relationships -- just enjoy people you like for what they
    are and let the relationship go where it may.
    
    							Pat

How long does it take before you feel like dating?  Guess that's an
individual thing that depends on factors like your self-image and the
quality of the marriage.  It took me about half the length of time we
were married to "get over" my ex.  I spent about a month looking for
a new job and an apartment, but I think, for me, focussing my energy
on these tasks speeded up the process of detachment.

Sometimes your own feelings can lead you astray.  I felt ready to
date again after 3 years: now, two years later, I realize that I've
learned many valuable things about myself in those additional two 
years that I might have missed if I had been fortunate enough to 
start another relationship.  

Like the other repliers, I feel that your disinclination to jump back 
into a relationship is a healthy thing, in that you are less likely to
harm yourself by choosing an inappropriate partner than a desperate,
lonely, newly-divorced person might be.  The advice about 
concentrating on the work and hobbies you enjoy is also well taken.

Jane H.

    I never did really "feel like dating", per se.  The game-playing just
    didn't appeal to me like it did when I was young and single for the
    first time.  I'd meet a guy and start talking to him, and end up going
    out with him, and come home miserable because EVERYTHING was sooooo
    superficial!  That's why I think it was inevitable that I get into a
    relationship by becoming friends with the person first. 
    
    							Pat

    Hi...
    
    I have been divorced for 1 year and one month, but separated during
    1984, and was in court for so long, I think I was on a first name
    basis with the clerks...
    
    I have just started *really* dating this summer...  I had dated
    two other men that were (in looking backwards) very safe, never
    a threat to me, and would never end in marriage... so it was *ok*
    to date them...
    
    Now after four years, I am finally dating for me...  If something
    happens that I fall in love and decide to get married again, I'll
    cross that bridge when I get to it...  it will take someone *very*
    special for me to want to take that big of a step again.... Not
    only special to me, but to my girls too, as they are the most important
    thing in my life right now...
    
    This might be a little abstract to understand, but you'll know when
    you are ready... mine happened during a trip to Canada (thanks
    Nancy!)... when it hit me, it was like a brick wall...  don't worry
    before then.. there were times that I would try, and I just wasn't
    ready...

    Take it slow, take it easy...  it will come...
    
    Gale

    re: .5
    
    I hate to say it, but .. Ditto ... sometimes .. it "just happens"
    ..
    
    Bob
    (Did I really say that ??)

    I have to agree with all the previous notes. I didnt date for 3
    years after my divorce. I also gained 50 lbs (not on purpose).
    During this time I was 'off limits' and it showed. Gradually over
    those 3 years I learned alot about me and what happened to my marriage.
    Still at 50 lbs overweight I met someone thru work. It was nothing
    at first but grew. I have that man to thank for the person I am
    today. I lost 35 of the 50 pounds over a year (I wasnt on a diet).
    Things did not work out between us but because of him I was able
    to open myself up to other men. I am now very happily married to
    my second husband Mark.
    
    			My thoughts are with you, it takes time.
    					Judy