Conference turris::womannotes-v2

    Yes, most of the men I have been with ask about BC ahead of time.
     In fact, I usually wait for them to ask...if they don't, then I
    don't consider them a responsible or caring enough person to do
    that with.
    
    I have also had a couple men "whip out a condom" as you put it.
    That doesn't bother me, because with the AIDS virus around, I figure
    he may want to use it regardless of whatever BC I have in addition,
    which is fine with me (these days I insist).
    
    Very, *very* seldom have I ever been with a man who seemed to put
    the burden of BC entirely on myself, or who would be willing to
    risk pregnancy for he sake of "the mood".  I think most men are
    as afraid of getting a woman pregnant as the woman is of getting
    that way.  (This may have something to do with the fact that almost
    all the men I have become intimate with I have had at least some
    sort of "relationship" with, ie: not one night stands.)
    
    Note that I *always* take the responsibility for BC regardless.
    I like it if he has the decency to ask, but I wouldn't rely on anyone
    but myself for something so important...
    
    D!ana
    

    Interesting question.
    
    Years ago (which I say because mores have changed so much in the
    last 20 years)...anyway, during the "let's go have a drink and
    talk" phase, this guy informed me he'd been sterile for 5 years.
    
    I didn't trust this information, and other "arrangements" were made.
    
    When I told a friend about his statement that he'd been sterile
    for 5 years, she said "Yeah. The *first* five!"
    
    --DE
    

    No. No man ever asked about birth control before intercourse.
    Now by way of explanation, many of the men, who were good friends,
    already knew I was on the Pill, just from casual conversations over
    the years. But certainly, not all did, and many didn't care, I'm
    sure.
    
    Several men I was involved with had had vasectomies and let me know
    about it either during sex or afterward.
    
    I have always known I may be the only one who thinks about the risk
    of pregnancy. I went on the Pill when still a virgin, knowing that
    I was going to become sexually active and determined to be in control
    of my reproductive capability. That's not something I will surrender
    to anyone. 
    
    Tamzen

    The boyfriend who is now my husband did.
    
    None of the others did.  That's not a very large number, however.
    
    --bonnie

    Like Tamzen, the men in my life have mostly been friends, and
    smart enough to figure out what that plastic compact in my
    bathroom meant.  One I *knew* had had a vasectomy.  And one who,
    while a friend, had never had access to my bathroom (and hadn't
    seen me in years), did ask.
    
    							Ann B.

re: .3

ditto (exactly!)

    
    
    I can not remember ever having a partner produce a condon to be
    used.  They may have talked about using one or "pulling out" but
    for the most part birth control was up to me to provide.
    
    _peggy
    
    		(-)
    		 |
    			Control of ones own body is necessary
    			Control of reproduction should be shared.
    

    Like an earlier answer..the number is a small one..but my
    now husband was the only man who knew that we were 'safe'
    before hand.
    
    Bonnie
    
    

    A few times they asked me if I had come prepared.  None offered
    any devices of their own.  One guy asked me just before climax,
    "do you want me to pull out" - a lot of good that would have done
    - presemenal fluid has sperm in it, too, you know.  
    
    Of course, in every instance, I protected myself.  I am no fool.
    
    -Jody
    

  Nobody has ever asked me if I was using birth control before having
    sex for the first time.  Several have asked me *after* the first
    time. (By the way, you are on the pill aren't you?)
    
    Society has made me to understand that if I get pregnant when I'm
    not supposed to that it's my "fault."  I don't think it's fair,
    but I get the message.
    
    Lorna
    

    re: I'm no fool either
    
    I laughed right in a guys face when he asked me with wide eyed
    innocence after the fact..."Your on the Pill, aren't you?"
    Not a polite thing for me to do after the first time and he didn't
    see the humor in it. I guess some "boys" stick to some very old
    ways of thinking, ie: it's her problem

    Gail

    yes, all but one asked or already knew [one prefaced the question 
    by asking if I was Catholic] 
    
    two even produced their own birth control supplies
    in the event that whatever I might be using should prove inadequate
    to the job [I'm still unclear on the reasoning here, but the thought
    was nice]
    
    in one of the more grotesquely humourous moments of my life, a man
    even offered me a pill from a supply he kept on hand leaving it
    up to me as to whether I wished to take it before or after.
    [Nothing ever came of this encounter as I just _couldn't_ stop
    laughing!]
    
    while there were occasions I got the distinct impression that birth
    control was "woman's work," no man has ever left it entirely to
    me without a thought beforehand.
    
      Ann
    
    P.S. [to put this into era-context] I have been 'heterosexually
    active' since 1971.  I have been married since 1974.
    
    
    
    
    

    In most cases the man involved was a friend who knew me well
    enough to already know I was on the Pill.  In the more, ah,
    casual encounters, there was a marked difference depending on
    the age of the man involved:  men (boys?) of 18-22 didn't ask
    or seem to think about it, the few older men always did. 

    This was early '80s.

    -- Linda

    Truth be told, the men in my life ran about 50/50 for asking before.
    Rarely did anyone ask during (:^)
    
    But to be fair, I usually brought up a discussion of sexuality well
    before we got our clothes off, so the issue was usually resolved
    before it became "critical".
    
    Sue

    I didn't remember this until reading another note, but more than
    once (different guys) they asked me if I was "safe" right before
    (his) orgasm.  Must have been habit, because, being a polite Miss,
    I always volunteered the information beforehand!

    It's a two way street.  One would think that the woman would be
    "crazy" to go through with intercourse if no birth control was being
    used.  But very often, specifically with young people, both people
    are afraid to bring the subject up when they don't know each other
    that well.  Sure it's just as "crazy" for a guy to make assumptions,
    but have a heart, they were probably afraid, so may behave stupidly.

    
    I had an occasion where the guy asked me if I were on the Pill AFTER
    it was over.  I told him "no" (I've had a tubal) and I thought that
    maybe he'd had a vasectomy.  He seemed quite concerned and I let
    him worry about it for about a month...
    
    
    
    						;-)
    

    Context:  been divorced since 1971, so this covers a wide range
    of years and norms.
    
    One attorney had a very explicit, legalistic discussion at the
    very last minute.  I always wondered, if I had in fact lied about
    the fact that I did (truly) take responsibility for contraception
    at all times, did he tape record the discussion for protection in
    case of a subsequent paternity suit, or what?
    
    A year or two after my divorce, my partner chuckled afterwards,
    and told me I hadn't needed to bother with a diaphram...he had had
    a vasectomy.  I still would have used the contraption...how was
    I to be sure it was true?  "Okay, lemme see the scars???"  ;-)
    
    When a partner never mentioned contraception,  *I* waited "just
    the right amount of time" afterwards, and then inquired innocently
    if he had taken precautions such as a vasectomy because he didn't
    seem to need to discuss it prior to intercourse.  [okay, so that
    was a bit hostile, but I guess I needed to get through that stage]
    That *invariably* caused either a gasp or a dead silence.  I then
    relieved the agony by pointing out that yes, I had taken precautions,
    but he was pretty lucky given that he hadn't asked.
    
    I have found that early/mid 70's men seemed less likely to inquire,
    and in the 80's it seems to be asked about more often.
    
    I have tried, in my talks with my daughters, to point out that
    although I feel VERY strongly that there should be joint
    responsibility, there is, after all, the biological fact that
    they (my daughters) are at risk of getting pregnant, not their
    partners.

Would you be insulted if a man asked if you were protected when you
had no intention of needing any with him?

I think the bigger problem is that people are afraid to talk about
sex.  Maybe because they don't want to be presumptuous or are afraid
of being rejected.

Me, I take the advice of a girl I met in my freshman year at college,
"If both of you can't talk about sex together, you're not ready for it."

>Me, I take the advice of a girl I met in my freshman year at college,
>"If both of you can't talk about sex together, you're not ready for it."

Oh, I LIKE that!
                  Carol

19>Me, I take the advice of a girl I met in my freshman year at college,
19>"If both of you can't talk about sex together, you're not ready for it."

    Gee, I never met anyone who dated Ann Landers before.