Conference turris::womannotes-v1

    Aren't people incredible?  Arrgghhhh.  
    
    Today's society, as represented by the busybodies who put
    themselves in the role of arbiters of behavior, seems to think
    that unless my partner and I are spending every spare minute
    in each other's arms exploring the deepest corners of each
    other's psyche, we don't really love each other.
    
    I've had people tell me that since I don't know how Neil "feels"
    about his work, or whether he secretly resents his parents,
    that means we don't have a healthy relationship and that we
    obviously don't communicate well.  A good friend even told
    me that the time we spend discussing medieval agricultural
    practices, naval tactics in the Peloponnesian war, and error
    handling strategies in programs that call CDD/Plus is time
    taken away from true intimacy and further evidence that men
    can't communicate.  Plus we're using it as a wall to keep from
    having to face each other "honestly, without masks."
    
    ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
    
    --bonnie 
    
    
    

    
    Jeez, it sounds like we sing the same
    song!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    
    
    
    Good to know you feel the same way
    Sue
    

    Lets not forget the turkeys who keep asking when my wife and I are
    going to have children.  We both work and we are not ready to have
    any yet.  When you tell them that then they imply that you are not
    complete until you have children.  ARG-G-G-G-G-G-G!
    
    Pat

    RE:  .0
    
    I have a similar, though not identical situation.  Gerry and I have
    had a very stable relationship for 13 years, though we only recently
    got married.  Gerry lives in Connecticut and I live in the Boston
    area.  We see each other nearly every weekend (we probably only
    miss three or four weekends a year).  To my way of thinking I have
    the best of both worlds.  During the week I have "the single life"
    where I come and go as I please, don't have to co-ordinate schedules
    with anybody, and in general do my own thing.  I enjoy my own company
    I have raised self entertainment to an art form:  I take classes,
    enjoy gardening, work with the mentally retarded, read spooky books
    till 3am and such.  On the other hand I really look forward to the
    weekends when my sweetie will be visiting and it's honeymoon time
    once more.  Sometimes I spend hours just telling him about my week,
    and I feel really special when he listens to all that goop and is
    really interested.  Then he gets going on what's up with him.  We
    are _never_ bored with each other and never take each other for
    granted.  It's a superb situation.
    
    I, too, have a problem with the way people relate to our situation,
    however.  The attitude I hate most is the one where somebody will
    say "Now honestly, do you actually believe that Gerry is down there
    in Connecticut being a good little choir boy all week?"   What's
    my answer?  "YES!"  The way I figure it, people tend to judge others
    by themselves.  The only reason they find it hard to believe is
    because _they_ would cheat if they were in our shoes.  As for me,
    what other man or relationship could possibly more romantic!      
    
    Marion (still the blushing bride)

    Sheesh - not only are the bozos who are hitting up on you major
    league obno, it seems to me that they're also either very stupid
    or maybe just suicidal.  I mean, considering your husband's branch
    of the service. . .  On such occasions, it's a shame that "conver-
    sations" can't be ^Y'd as easily as in VMS.
    
    Steve
    
    Interesting topic, BTW; I suspect there are more than a few people
    in the same boat.  I'd also bet there are a number of people sailing
    various sister ships: 
    
     o	in a more or less constant-contact relationship and catching
    	flak along the lines of "You must get sick of each other; boy
    	I'll bet you fight a lot, living in such constant, close quarters."
    
     o	in a relationship that involves daily contact but who would be 
    	more comfortable in one that involves less frequent contact.
     

    I'm somewhere without my husband [a bar with friends, an art gallery,
    a theatre, Fenway Park...].  When something like this occurs:
    
    	"you're married?!" "yes" "then why isn't he here" "he had other
    	plans" "then why are you here?" "because I like it here" "oh,
    	then I guess you're not _happily_ married"
    
    It was worse when I lived in Dallas and he lived in Boston.  Then
    I got "so when's the divorce final?" -- I am supposing that this
    was to indicate that here was a man of principle who found poaching
    another man's wife not quite sporting.
    
    Rick, too, gets a bit irritated when the folks he's spending time
    with start with the solicitiousness around the grief he must take
    for spending so much time in his own pursuits; then the attempts
    at commiseration that he has a wife that spends so much time pursuing
    _her_ interests; and finally the advice that perhaps we should have
    a child or three to keep me home.  [what's distressing here is that
    occasionally this sort of stuff is coming from women as well as
    men]
    
    We don't neglect each other.  We're just not permanently joined
    at the hip.
    
      Ann
    
    
    

    	My eight years in the service in conjunction with a new marriage
    made things very interesting for both of us. We both thought we
    knew what we were getting into. But the periods of abscence and
    irregularity of those times made most of our expectations dissappear.
    Sharing daily experiences was made difficult since submariners aren't
    allowed communications - either incoming or outgoing due to secrecy
    of the mission and the possibility that a crew member might panic
    if he knew a family member was ill or dead, while he is unable to
    leave the submarine for months on end.
    
    	I guess what I am trying to say is that we were able to work
    on the part of our relationship that most couples believe they enjoy
    simply because they ARE married - trust. I guess when one has the
    opportunity to learn and practice trust for extended periods of
    time, it becomes obvious that if others worked on it
    24-hours-a-day-7-days-a week for months on end, they might get a
    feel for how blind trust needs to be to be real.
    
    	Now that I'm out of the service, Terri and I enjoy a very
    comfortable relationship. I don't get wrapped up in jealousy when
    she talks about her nights out with the girls, and how they danced
    with every guy in the joint and didn't buy a drink all night. I'm
    comfortable with our mutual trust and am glad that she had a good
    time (even thogh I'm concerned that she will only get 2 hours of
    sleep before I leave for the office and our 2 yr and 3 yr old boys
    wake up).
    
    	Re .0, you and your husband are very lucky. From someone that
    has experienced a similar situation, it only gets better!

    I LIKE this topic. 
    
    I'm new to the file, and have found a lot of interesting stuff in here,
    but this really hits home. 
          
    I am a very open minded person, and enjoy my friends and acquaintances
    differences in lifestyle and opinions more than anything else about
    them. 
    
    What has been burning me up lately is one such couple who recently have
    taken to making digs about our "MARRIED" relationship and goals about
    starting a family.  They are unmarried, living together, and have a
    very "separate and independent" lifestyle, and have many interests that
    are much different from ours.  We've always enjoyed those traits in
    them. 
    
    Lately, I've been finding myself becoming critical of THEM, because of
    all this flack we've been getting from them... about how the
    institution of marriage is for the birds, becoming so attached to
    another person is ridiculous... and kids?  Why would I EVER want to put
    a career as an engineer making the associated salary on hold to stay
    home with bratty whiny smelly kids?  She seems to pity me for having
    this inevitable fate.  They don't have any sensitivity or understanding
    of the fact that a family is very important to us. 
    
    They also like to rub in the fact that they NEVER disagree or argue
    about anything... especially when Dave and I mention the fact that we
    had an argument, and imply that it's because we're a bitchy married
    couple.  Well, our arguments are a form of COMMUNICATION, and they only
    improve our relationship. 

    So I constantly have to drag myself away from the tendency to want to
    turn around and criticize THEM for their lifestyle, when it had
    previously never crossed my mind before to do so.  I refuse to get down
    to that level, because neither my husband nor I are that opinionated or
    critical of other people. 

    I guess they are insecure about not being married and not wanting a
    family. I never thought twice about their lifestyle, as it is just that:
    their lifestyle.  In fact, I respect their ability to admit it to
    themselves and others, rather than go ahead and have children because
    it is the expected thing to do.  I think we would have less disturbed
    people resulting from miserable childhoods in this world if more people
    could do that.  I just wish that they didn't have to go to the other
    extreme of implying that anyone who WANTS children is nuts. 

    It's frustrating to know that my husband and I have treated their
    opinions and lifestyle with respect and acceptance, and then get
    slapped in the face with a lot of bull**it in return! 
                                                        
    It helps to know I'm not the only one who has to deal with the
    obnoxiously opinionated.
    
    Amy.
    
    
    P.S. I can also relate to some of the replies from people who get
    laughed at for trusting their spouses.  I once anonymously sent
    balloons and champagne to my husband at work for his birthday. The note
    just said "from a secret admirer. I got a barrage of comments and
    warnings!  "Are you SURE he'll know it's from you? You could get
    yourself in trouble!!!" At first I didn't know what they were talking
    about, when someone said, "Well you'll know if something's going on if
    he doesn't mention them tonight because he thinks they might be from
    someone else!" Even the woman I called to order them suggested I not do
    it anonymously, and that I was "playing with fire."  Again, people must
    reflect themselves in their opinions of others. 
                                     
    So much for my escape valve! :-) 

    re.8 and sending thing anonymously...
    
    I can relate to this.  I still never sign cards or plants or flowers
    to my husband.  He's the only one whose stuff I don't sign.  I just
    assume he'll know.  After about five years he stopped signing stuff
    to me as well.  For us, it means intimacy -- who else would it _be_?
    
    [Seriously...and I don't think I'm being naive...how would someone
    else start something with either of us by sending something
    anonymously?  If the recipient went in search of the 'mysterious
    sender' wouldn't there be the chance that someone else would get
    the 'benefit'?]
    
    Anyway, when someone gives me flack or warning for this practice,
    I just point out that _I_ know who sent the balloons and it was
    _me_ so why are _you_ worried about The Other Woman who _might_
    have sent the balloons? [if balloons would send my husband off in
    search of another woman...well, hell...sh*t happens]
    
      Ann

    I'm new to this file and happened to pick this topic and found it
    very enlightning.  I'm still young, just out of college, and have
    been through a couple of long distance relationships that didn't
    last more than a year after they became long distance.  I think
    it's terrific that you people can make these long distance relation-
    ships work.  I've come to the conclusion that maybe I haven't been
    secure enough with my past boyfriends in order for the relationships
    to withstand the distance.  Also, I think gaining trust comes with
    age.  I can completely identify with the comment made about what's
    you boyfriend or husband been up to when he's not with you.  I hate
    that more than anything!  I don't know if I could ever be involved
    in a long distance relationship again, because I like to have common
    interest and common friends with a person and be able to discuss
    good times had together in the past.  However, different strokes
    for different folks!  Different people always have different needs.
    I wish everyone would respect that.
    
    Ginger