| Dave,
We have a retarded son who is 13 years old. He is physically becoming
a man. While we have not had the kinds of behavior problems that
you describe we have noticed an increas in negative types of behavior
as he has moved into puberty.
At school he is on a behavior modification program. This program
was set up by a psychologist and allows him to 'earn' tokens for
good behavior through out the day.
We have not implimented the program at home...largely because those
who would have to do a lot of the work are his 14 and 15 year old
siblings and this wasn't a personality fit.
However, this sort of program could possibly work for your daughter.
Try getting in touch with her teacher and seeing if such a person
is available in your area.
Good luck
Bonnie Jeanne
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| Dave, I remember similar stories from my teaching days. Kids who
were retarded and whose parents really did love them and want the
best for them were fairly manageable as 3, 5, and 9 year olds.
Pre-adolescence hits, and all of a sudden the child is large, and
is starting to develop physically. A manageable situation turns
into a hell of physical battles, verbal battles, tears and tantrums.
Reasonable, thinking adults find themselves stopping just short
of what would be considered abusive. Siblings feel neglected.
Parents start to despair, and find themselves thinking the taboo
word: institution, and wonder if they are depriving the other children
if they don't pursue that course, and depriving this child if they
do.
It isn't always that way, but I've heard that story more than once.
You've probably tried some of these things, but they have worked for
other parents of retarded children who have behavior problems.
Camp. Some camps for special needs kids are a great relief to the
child because they are like everyone else there. Some camps offer
very demanding physical-challenge programs (like primitive camping)
with good counselors who do manage to teach self-reliance. The
staff is often comprised of college students who are training as
special needs teachers. The rigorous program often serves as a
channel for pre-adolescent energy and emotions.
The parent who told me about this said it was hard because the child
came back from camp happy and glowing and very self-reliant. A
great deal of the camp experience seemed to last at home. But when
spring rolled around, the child begged not to go, and practically
had to be taken kicking and screaming. They said that the positive
gains made each summer made the pre-camp trauma worth it.
[Bonnie, do you know more about this than I do?]
Counseling for you and for the child. Ideally the therapist should
be someone whose attention the special needs child values highly.
They need loving attention outside the family, and in many cases
they are not getting it from peers. You and your wife deserve some
support from a professional who understands the pain and struggle
you go through.
Physical activities that you and your daughter can do together. What
does she enjoy? Can she swim at all? Can she throw baskets? Can she
paddle a canoe? A good pe teacher (Dale??) or physical therapist
could probably help you identify some activities which can be done as a
family, which will use up some energy (=get her tired enough to go to
bed), and which will not be frustrating for her. With nice weather
coming, it would be good to focus on fun activities rather than
behavior!
Books. I used to work with learning disabled kids, and have a minor
learning disability myself. There are excellent books for LD parents
which can be comforting just to read when the going gets tough.
There must be similar books for parents of a retarded child.
A friend for your child. Is there someone who feels like a peer
to her whom she enjoys spending time with and talking with? Sometimes
a younger child can be a good companion. I think it's very important
to help the child find a friend who feels good to her to be with.
It certainly helps self-esteem to be liked by someone other than
your parents!
Appearance. Teachers often found that retarded children had trouble
with peers because they were perceived as looking different. Is
there anything you can do to help her in this area? A new haircut
that's pretty and easy to take care of? The latest in shoes or
jeans? Again, anything tangible that helps self-esteem has to help
all the way around. Teachers could tell you if this is a problem.
Adolescent special needs girls in the schools where I taught sometimes
had problems with body odor. If that's a problem, she could be
encountering rejection and not understanding why. It's hard to
talk about stuff like this, but it's soooo important in peer
relationships and acceptance. Teachers were often afraid to mention
it to already overburdened parents.
A parent support group. For you. They alone understand what it's
like. Those of us who have taught may have good ideas, but we haven't
been there the way other parents have.
Hugs to you and your daughter....Holly
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| in re .4
We have sent Stevie to a local camp for special kids..but
found that tho he loved going there, he regressed because
the councelors let him act like a baby there.
But it was a break for all of us in the summer. I should try
and investigate other camps...we went to this one because
it was only 20 mins from home, and he still had serious
separation anxieties the first few years after we adopted
him.
Bonnie
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