Conference turris::womannotes-v1

    I don't know of any woman's groups that can help, but, personally
    I think she needs a GOOD lawyer fast.  She sounds as if she signed
    and settled her divorce without ever going before the judge, which
    is fine if everyone is in agreement with the settlement, which it
    appears she was not.  If she can prove she was coerced into signing
    the agreement out of fear for herself and her son or whatever, she
    may be able to turn things around dramatically, she may even want
    to file for custody of her child.  If the back child support issue
    is coming up in court, she can't fight that without a lawyer it's
    too tough.  If the support issue gets to court and she loses, they'll
    most likely attach her pay to collect the current support and take
    a little extra to put toward the arrearage.
    
    Bottom line:  She needs to really get tough and let her ex know
    he's not going to push her around anymore as far her son is concerned.
    If she can't afford a lawyer, maybe she can qualify for legal aid,
    but she should see one soon armed with every piece of paper she
    has concerning her divorce and any correspondence she may have received
    from her ex since then (the more in writing, the better).  Her
    interests need protecting too.  Justice, you can get it, but you've
    got to be strong, oftentimes pushy, and stay on top of your case;
    but you CAN get it.
    
    I sincerely hope she can work this out, best of luck.
      

If there is no women's group to address this horrendous injustice, it 
may be possible to create one.  I'm not sure of the base noter's current 
location, but it occurs to me that her story could possibly be published 
in _Sojourner_, a women's monthly paper based in Cambridge, but with a 
widespread readership. The biggest problem I can think of is that the 
litigation will be expensive, and she may need a dedicated pro bono 
lawyer, or a defense fund, or both.  There are days when I feel like we 
really need a Women's Liberation Front...

    Enter this in Mennotes and see what their suggestions are.  Seems
    this is a problem the man must reckon with....time for the women
    to let the men handle situations like this....
    
    good luck
    

    RE: .3
    
    EXCELLENT IDEA!
    
    

    FIrst and foremost....LEGAL HELP!!!!!!!
    
    
    Call any and all of the womens groups, (hotlines, battered womens
    shelters, etc...) and get the names of some competent lawyers! 
    Many of them will take some cases pro bono ( free of charge ) and
    it sounds like you could qualify.  The lawyer should be able to
    "speak" for you and get tough in the appropriate arena.  
    
    A suggestion for you:  create a "time line" with details of incidents
    and any witnesses and such to give an accurate history of your marriage
    to this cretin.  This will help a lawyer to assemble a game plan.
     Also get an accurate financial record with the amount you make,
    fixed debts and such, to show where you stand financially.  All
    these things should give a complete picture, and give you some
    ammunition.  Please keep us posted of your progress!!
    
    Best of luck
    Sue

    Re .0, what a disgusting story!  I feel sorry for all you went through.
     It's frightening to think what nuts are out there just waiting
    to get some unsuspecting woman to marry them.
    
    It also makes me so thankful that my ex-husband is not that bad.
     When we got divorced and we decided on joint custody, I said that
    he could have physical custody as long as he assumed all financial
    support until she's 18.  My ex-husband told me that he got into
    a big argument with his lawyer because his lawyer wanted him to
    take $50. a WEEK child support from me.  My ex makes more than TWICE
    what I do in a year.  The lawyer told him it makes no difference,
    you can get it.  But, my ex told the lawyer that there was no way
    he was going to take any money from me, that he didn't know how
    I was going to make it on my own anyway.  When I think what he could
    have gotten if he wanted to be mean, I feel really lucky!
    
    Lorna
    

    You have a moral as well as legal obligation to support your child
    financially.  $200 a month does not even begin to do this and in
    no way would you be contributing to your ex-husbands welfare.  It
    is indeed unfortunate when either a man or woman does not have the
    resources to provide 1/2 of the minimum required to support a child
    but as a custodial parent who worked three jobs to make ends meet
    I have little sympathy with non-custodial parents who cry poor.
    If this is your issue I can suggest several part time jobs that
    will give you $50 a week for 8 hours or less work a week.
    
    Whatever your issue I second the recommendations of others that
    you see a lawyer fast and this time take his advice.
    
    It is always refreshing to see people work out agreements for the
    benefit of the child as Lorna and her ex-husband have done.

    You say you're getting calls from teachers saying your child was
    hurt at 8:30 at night???  Where is your ex-husband and his wife?
    How is the child being hurt?  This sounds like you might have a
    case to charge with neglect and/or abuse.  Can you get some statements
    from that teacher?  I'm sure a "disinterested" party's testimony
    would help - you may be able to get custody. 
    
    Please, do whatever you can to get the best lawyer you can, even
    if you have to borrow money to do it.
    
    Elizabeth

    re:.8
    
    What I think she meant was that she was getting the calls at 8:30
    at night, not that her son was hurt at 8:30 at night.
    
    --- jerry

    I also suggest getting the District Attorney involved.  They actually
    have helped others I know of.  Also Legal aide, they will work with
    what your financial limitations are.  I do agree with Joyce though,
    non-custodial parents should pay child support.  We can't pick and
    choose who is an exception.  I have been on the starving side before
    as many others have. 
    
    vivian

    
    I must agree with the advice to seek legal counsel.  I'm not
    sure where you are from, but here are some numbers that may
    help you:
    
    GREATER BOSTON LEGAL SERVICES    357-5757.
    
    On the issue of possible child abuse,  call this agency in
    Boston-they can tell you what your rights and your child's
    rights are:  Office for Child Abuse and Neglect   357-8250.
    If this is indeed an issue, please speak with the teachers
    who have contacted you regarding injuries. Get NOTARIZED
    statements from them.  If this is abuse, I believe Mass Law
    considers teachers to be mandatory reporters, meaning they
    are required to report ANY SUSPECTED abuse to DSS.
    
    Also, a Local Department of Social Services number is:  245-2754.
    
    All these numbers are in the 617 area code.  Iff you aren't from
    Mass, they may be able to recommend other numbers within your
    area.  Good luck.
    
    Christine

    Just one other angle.  I agree with the above note that you
    have a moral obliation to help support your son. However, what
    about your equity in the house?  That can amount to a lot of $$$,
    if you walked away with nothing, some of that equity could
    certainly be counted as child support, especially if your finances
    are tight now.  
   
     My husband has physical custody of my two teenage sons and we 
    worked out an arrangement where I pay child support and some of
    the payment is part of my equity in the house.   He opted for 
    less money per week so he wouldn't have to refinance to give
    me the rest of my equity when the boys are 18.  Actually I
    come out with less money this way in the long run, but I felt
    peace was better than money.  
    
    We have no issues around visitation.  I think that it is unthinkable
    that you do.  Your  son needs you and your seeing him should not
    depend upon your paying money. Perhaps you could appeal to your 
    husband's reasonableness on this issue. You both need to focus on your
    son's wellbeing, not old hurts and arguments between you. If you 
    absolutely cannot talk to him, maybe you need to make an ally of his wife.  
    You can afford to be gracious with her, after all, you of all people
    know her life cannot be easy.

    It may make your life easier if you focus on your son and his needs
    and your responsibility for meeting those needs rather 
    than your husband's apparent financial situation.  Also remember if you had
    custody of your son, your life would be much different than it is right now.
    You would have less free time as he would require constant supervision 
    which you would have to pay someone else to do while you were working or
    socializing.  

    When my two older children were babies I was divorced from their father
    and he did not pay child support. This was a very difficult time for me
    and I didn't earn very much money. Because I felt the need to be with 
    them another job was out of the question.  Also taking care of
    them day to day all by myself was very difficult and left me little
    time for self improvement or to realize any ambitions.  Survival
    took all of my energy.  Believe me, I was the oldest 22 year old
    alive at that time.

    From this perspective I know that the father of my two boys does not
    have an easy time of it.  I try to be as supportive as I can, both
    financially and in other ways as well.  I know that if his life is
    good, the quality of life for my sons will also be good.  I wish
    him and them all of the good fortune there is.

    Remember good living is the best revenge.  Your life cannot be as
    bad as it was when you were living with your husband. Also there must
    be some reasonable arrangement you can make around child support
    payments and visitation.  Remember you are the one with the extra
    time and energy.  No matter how wonderful your son is, taking care of
    him every day is a big job. There is his laundry, his meals, making
    sure he brushes his teeth and picks up his socks, and homework, 
    and the list goes on. If you know he is being taken care of 
    reasonably well by his father and his wife, you have a lot to
    be thankful for. If this is not the case, if you can prove he is
    in physical jeopardy, you can petition the court for physical custody of 
    him.  But you must be clear that your motives are for the wellbeing
    of your son, not to "get" his father,  not to avoid child support payments,
    you must be realistic and honest. The courts are very hesitant to bounce a 
    kid around and they will be looking at his overall wellbeing, i.e. is he
    healthy, does he appear to be a normal reasonably happy child, are there
    signs of child abuse and neglect.

    My advice to you is to look at the bright side of your life.  You are
    free of what appeared to be a horrible  marriage.  Your son is
    being taken care of.  You have your freedom, health, and a steady
    job. I don't feel the issue of having to pay child support is 
    a big one.  I am sensitive to the fact that you may not be earning
    much money right now, although as other readers have pointed out, you can
    get a part time job to cover your child support payments and any
    arreas.  Now you have the opportunity to direct your energies to
    bettering yourself and your life.  You can go to school, take
    courses that will build your self-esteem and expertise so you
    can increase your income.  Perhaps someday $50/week child support
    won't seem that much to you at all.  As others have pointed out,
    it really doesn't begin to cover the expenses of raising a child today.    

    One thing for sure, you won't grow if you are always worrying that
    your ex-husband has it better than you.  

    Good luck, I hope I've helped put some things in perspective for you.
    I realize this isn't easy, however, I think there are ways you can
    make it easier on yourself.  Also if I come off as too preachy,
    please try to forgive me, but I am a strong believer is having to pay my
    own way, and being responsible for my life and my own peace of mind
    regardless of what others are doing.

    P.S. Its good to know there are other non-custodial mothers.  I
    thought I must be the only one in the world.

                            -< Try EAP for help >-
    
    This sounds like a living nightmare! Try the Employee Assistance
    Program for referrals for both legal help and perhaps some counseling
    to help get you through all this. 
        
        Maryan
        

RE: .*

This note makes me feel very encouraged, especially the notes from STHILAIRE &
FODEN. 

Jim.