Conference turris::womannotes-v1

    Have you seen a doctor lately ? Might be totally unrelated to your
    situation. 
    
    Have you discussed this with your SO ?
    
    Have you talked to your plant psychologist ? 
    
    Have you been getting contradictory input re. your decision to
    marry ?
    
    I'd start with a physical exam, eliminate the simplest possibility,
    then go on to the others. Take care.
    

    re.1
    Physically, I'm fine (had an exam about a week ago)
    This all started after we officially announced our plans, everyone
    was happy about it,myself included!
    plant psychologist? we don't have one here. And anyways when I went
    to one after my divorce and people found out they started treating
    me weird and it caused a mutitude of problems.
    But, I suppose it could be all sorts of things and be only partially
    due to the excitment of the wedding announcement.
    And, no I haven't talked it over with Pete yet, wanted to have a
    bit of a handle on it before going off on a wrong tangent. He's
    great to talk to, very good at putting things in perspective, whereas
    I generalize and confuse things and it takes me the longet time
    to figure out the bottom line.
    Fran
    

    Well, getting married is one of the most stressful events in a
    person's life.  (Getting a job, and buying a house are two of
    the others.)  And last time you didn't know what the events you
    were going to be going through would be like.
    
    Say, could it be that you're not jittery about getting married,
    but about having a wedding?
    
    							Ann B.

    When I got married in 1979, I had jitters like you wouldn't
    believe.  I nearly backed out before I realized my concerns were
    only peripherally (sp?) related to getting married and none of
    them meant I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with Neil. 

    I was worried at having my whole family coming east to visit us --
    my mother was highly critical of my decision to move east and
    didn't approve of Neil's being Jewish.  Plus I always feel like
    she's criticizing my housekeeping.  I know I don't clean up to her
    standards but I have too many other things to do with my life to
    spend all my time scrubbing the sides of the stove.  And her view
    of Neil and my sharing the kitchen chores isn't that we're
    liberated, it's that I'm too lazy to do my job. 
    
    And I was worried about whether my family and Neil's family would
    get along.  
    
    And I was worried that I wouldn't be able to find a job -- I
    wasn't employed at the time.  And that had nothing at all to do
    with getting married; I'd have been upset about that at any time.
    
    It might well be that you have some underlying anxieties about
    getting married, but my suggestion would be to look for something
    else that happened at about the same time, or that is going to
    happen as a consequence of your getting married. 
    
    --bonnie

    Fran, 
    
    Isn't it horrible when your body starts to react like that?  Even
    if you are consciously CERTAIN that this is what you want, that
    the rewards are worth the inevitable difficulties, your SUBconscious
    is not so thrilled with risking it.  Your conscious self says, `shut
    up, I've thought about this, it's not going to be easy, but it will
    still be good', but your SUBconscious self can't stop thinking about
    what happened _last_ time you got married.  
    
    Since one half of you has decided to ignore the other half, that
    other half decides it's going to make DAMNED sure you listen to
    it.
    
    So it makes you sick.  Headaches, nausea, etc.
    
    One of my friends gets asthma in this sort of situation.
    
    _My_ personal advice is to soothe your subconscious: sit down, and
    worry with it.  Go through all of what was not right with your last
    marriage, all of what hurt you, all the betrayals, the yucchy suprises,
    etc.  Remember them, how awful they were, remind yourself how much 
    you don't want that to happen ever again, how bad this marriage
    COULD be if things went wrong.
    
    And then remind yourself that you lived through it last time, that
    though these things which terrify part of you and which were pretty
    awful to live through, you got through them just fine.  That "the
    worst it can be" is not so bad as all that, that if you HAVE to,
    you can get through an awful lot worse.
    
    Being nervous about it, even scared silly at some level, is perfectly
    all right and does not mean you are making the wrong decision. 
    You've been burnt and any self-respecting subconscious will try
    to avoid getting burnt again.
    
    What's important, I think, is to be darned sure you know egg-zactly
    what your subconscious is afraid of.  The nervous fear might not
    go away, but in my experience such knowledge has made the physical
    symptoms get a lot better (sometimes even go away altogether).
    
    Good Luck...
    
    Lee

    What's "normal" for one, may not be "normal" for someone else.
    
    For openers, I'd certainly get a physical checkup asap.  If you
    get a clean bill of health, you'd better listen to what your body's
    telling you . . . a few visits to a good therapist may clear it
    all up for you, if the cause isn't physical.
    
    Don't wait!

    HI!
    
    re.3  It is strange, Ann that when you mentioned the word "wedding"
    I recalled that when Pete was talking to his mother on the phone
    and the word "wedding" was said, five minutes later I was booking
    it to the bathroom and got violently ill. I thought it was something
    like a bug coming on me but actually I can now give a hard look
    at it and say that what flashed into my mind was the first wedding!
    And thinking of it now, I feel lousy again.
    
    re.4
    Bonnie, you did hit on something else as I am afraid of introducing
    my father to his folks, as my father is an extremely difficult man
    and has a knack for destroying holidays and special occasions.
    
    re.5
    Lee, you are so so right about the old subconcious, I am sure that
    there are things back there that I have never come to terms with.
    perhaps it is anger, which is not directed at Peter, I never did
    let myself get angry over the first time , then again maybe I am
    angry at myself for have been so stupid to have married that jerk
    in the beginning. I am going to have to sort this all out, I thought
    I had it sorted out, ah well, suprise on me!
    
    re.6
    Briana, I do intend to talk to Peter about it all, I just want to
    try to get at least a handle on what it is, he's so happy about
    all this and I don't want to say something where as he'll think
    it's that I want out because that isn't it, that much I know, I
    defintly want to get married, but as you mentioned something from
    the past is trying to "burst out" I hope it does soon, I am
    running out of aspirins!!!! 

    Isn't stress wonderful? I've learned in the last year or two that my
    mind sends me signals through my body. Unfortunately, I haven't learned
    to always pay attention to the signals, even though I recognize them
    for what they are. 

    Your symptoms are certainly physical, but it's very likely that they're
    *caused* by a lowering of your resistance due to this stress.

    Ann Landers is right -- "Get professional help" is a great suggestion,
    and doesn't imply that one is nuts, just looking for mental health as
    one would look for physical health. The EAP people at your facility can
    suggest someone if your doctor or friends/family can't.

    					-- hs

    Of course, if you believe the ads, the right solution isn't to relieve
    the stress in  your life, it's to get better drugs.

    Well, I am so glad that I asked for suggestions from folks out there.
    It spurred me on to not ignore what I was feeling and to do somehting
    to change the way I have been feeling (I generally need a shove
    on things like this)
    So, hopefully briefly, the wedding is off but not the marriage.
    I had a feeling that it would take me hours to figure out what was
    wrong if I started talking to Pete and it did. Finally we narrowed
    the bulk of it to the fact that as a result of my first marriage
    I lost contact and broke contact with my relatives whose numbers
    are legion. This means that at a Wedding I have no more than three
    people from my side that would be there. This tips the scales at
    a wedding and the comparison from the first one which was so
    absolutley wrong to this marriage which I am happy about where I
    don't have relatives to invite just somehow did a number on me.
    So, instead there will be a private service and a few of his
    realtives at Pete's parents home.
    I had no idea this was all bothering me so much and that as aresult
    of the circumsatnces in the first marriage that I was void of a
    guest list. So after it all hit me I had a nasty little oh poor
    me crying jag which cleared up the headache.
    I still have the jumpy stomach, but it is livable, the headaches
    were killing me.
    You were all so right about things in the back of one's mind trying
    to break out. They can certainly do a number on you physically.
    Thank you again for your help and concern.
    Fran
    

    That's good to hear, Fran.  Also good to hear your honey has been
    supportive of your needs.
    
    Lee