Conference turris::womannotes-v1

    I chose celibacy severayears ago at the end of a relationship that
    I had with a close friend.  I decided intimacy was not necessary
    in my life.  Initially the decision left my mind free to think of
    other things and it seemed like a good choice.
    
    But after to many years I began to see everything in terms of couples
    and I had difficulty concentrating.  If I were in a meeting and
    bored I would go around the table and determine who was celibate
    and who not, etc...
    
    I just don't think it is normal...  A long time ago I was with a
    group of women and we went in a lounge for whatever we went in there
    for.  The men at the bar gave us all the once over...and I said
    it isn't worth it.  My friend says "you have to search".  Not me.
    
    I am beginning to think you have to search...you have to take risks
    and it is a good healthy appetite we have that requires nourishment.
    

    Sometimes celibacy is a choice; other times it is not.  
    
    I did a 3 year period of "creative celibacy" at one point (not too
    long ago) in my life.  I was doing a lot of personal growth work
    (workshops, therapy, groups) and a lot of spiritual growth work
    (meditation, long weekends in ashrams, chanting, and so forth).
    I liked the freedom to "go inside" and do this work without having
    to attend to another person's day-to-day needs.  
    
    The flip side of it was that I got very lonely sometimes when I
    was with a lot of couples, or around holiday times.  But I persisted,
    and worked through some "inner issues" around sexual abuse which
    I absolutely would not have had the courage to face while in a
    relationship.
    
    And after that time, a pleasant but fairly casual relationship presented
    itself, and I decided it was time to re-enter the world of couples
    and sexuality.  I was involved in that for a year, and then felt
    ready for something more.   At this point, I've been with my current SO for
    almost a year in a warm, strong, moving-toward-committed relationship.  
                                                   
    I feel like I bring a lot more to this relationship because of that 
    period of celibacy and inner work.  I value it.  I don't know what
    celibacy would be like for years and years, though.
    
    Has anyone heard the song on Roger Rosen and Laura Burns' album
    entitled Celibacy?  I'll post the words if I get a chance--they
    are funny!  

    Once again Shakespeare said it best:
    
    	"CHASTITY IS ITS OWN PUNISHMENT!"
    
    

    Re .3, .4, I can certainly enjoy relationships that don't involve
    sex, but that doesn't mean I would ever want to be totally CELIBATE.
    
    I was celibate for the first 21 years of my life.  I figure that's
    enough celibacy for any one lifetime :-)  !
    
    (Re .3, who said, "moderation in all things...")
    
    Lorna
    

    RE:  .4
    
    If there were only more men out there like you who would be satisfied
    with just spending time together rather than hitting the sack everytime
    you see each other.
    
    I sometimes punish myself because if I see an old boyfriend of mine
    (who comes around only when he wants something) and I give in to
    him, it makes me feel dirty and cheap.  I have a lot to offer than
    just a "wham, bam thank you mam" type of relationship.
    
    I also have to be careful towards other friends because you may
    mistake someone's lustful smiles and carresses into something
    it really isn't, or will never be.
    
    Sometimes I feel the only solution is Celebasy but that is a lonely
    feeling too.  I have been burying myself in tons of work lately
    or community activities (which is great) but there's still a lonely
    spot inside just waiting for the right moment.
    
    Does that feeling ease as time goes by?  It doesn't seem to be doing
    that for me.  Sure I have lots of friends but they don't make up
    for the close intimate relationships (with or without sex) you share
    with a special person.  
    
    Does such relationships still exist out there whereas boy meets girl,
    girl likes boy, etc.... then if you feel like having sex, it's because
    you both want to share it together.  Not have sex because you're
    afraid you may never see them again?!?!?!
    
    It's especially times like this coming weekend (Valentine's Day)
    where it becomes almost impossible to bear!
    
    
    Carole
    

    There seem to be two definitions of celibacy being discussed in
    this note:
    
    	1.  Lack of Intimacy/Intimate Relationships
    	2.  Lack of Sexual Contacts
    
    
    There must be many people who have a lack of intimate relationships
    in their lives, but certainly couldn't be called celibate!  They
    are involved in casual sexual contacts.
    
    I've been through spells of being celibate by choice and celibate
    by circumstance.  If by choice, it was because I was intensely involved
    in something else and couldn't devote the necessary attention to
    a sexual/intimate relationship (for me the two go together).  Sex
    and intimacy require a lot of energy, and now that I'm in a monogamous
    continuing relationship, I find that when I or my SO are deeply
    concerned with something outside our relationship, we may become
    physically celibate for a short time, but the intimacy does not
    suffer.
    
    G

    I hate to be a wet blanket, folks, but what you're talking about
    is being chaste, not celibate.  Celibacy is the state of being
    unmarried.  This is a very common misunderstanding.

    					Steve

    When I was a boy I was forced to attend a Catholic School. I can
    remember what the chaste nuns did in the name of God. One incident that
    comes to mind is that of a nun beating a girl's behind because she
    had scratched her itchy vagina. Well that was a long time ago. We
    all celebate ourselves at one point or another, for one reason or
    another. But I don't believe that The Supreme Architect of the Universe
    designed Men and Woman to deprive themselves of love either spritual
    or sexual. 

    celibate    1. Unmarried, esp. by reason of religious vows.  
    		2. Sexually abstinent.
    
    The base note seemed to be dealing with the issue of being lonely
    and therefore being celibate, ie, not celibacy by choice.   And
    it seemed to be equating loneliness with celibacy.    

.12
    In discussing celibacy it is important that we do not equate celibacy
    with loneliness.  And/or to say that one must have an intimate
    relationship to prevent loneliness will lead to some false
    expectations.  Some very lonely people have intimate relationships.
    
    I was trying to deal with celibacy more from a basic human need.
    If I was hungry and my body required food I would search for it.
    If I am celibate either by choice or by circumstance what should
    I do?  
    
    

    I hate to be grossly clinical, but if you are celibate and you are
    talking about a basic human need for sexual satisfaction, the usual
    solution is masturbation.

    .14
    
     Now that is lonely! ;-)

    
    re: .15
    
    It may be lonely, but like the song said, sometimes solitaire is
    the only game in town.
    
    DFW

>< Note 195.15 by MARCIE::JLAMOTTE "the best is yet to be" >
 
>    .14
    
>     Now that is lonely! ;-)


No, that's NATURAL.

Angeline

    
    When I split up with my ex. I didn't want to even think about
    Women, never mind sex!
    
    This lasted approx six months. then :-) !!!
    
    No I don't think I'll do that again.
    There are some things in life "I" just can't or want to do without!
    Cal.