Conference trucks::football;1

    Those of you with work to do should be very grateful that Jon decided
    to write a "Most incredible goals" note, based on our Thursday
    exploits.  If he had chosen to write a "Most Incredible Misses" note,
    then he could go on forever !
    
    Some corrections/clarifications:
    
    For goal 3, I headed the ball with my forehead and not the back of my
    head. (I must however confess that I didn't have any real idea where
    the goal was, or where the ball was going. It took me about five yards
    to stop after I headed the ball !).
    
    Re :        Ps. to be fair to Jerry, he's no shorter than Timi
        	............my 7 year old son!
    
    I'm a good six inches taller than Timi  !!! ;-)
    
    
    Jerry.

Morcambe and Wise
The two Ronnies
Little and large
Terry and June
Peter and Andy
Grahame and Lawrie
Bill and Hillary
etc..
And now for your delectation and amusement Jon & Jerry with their very own note 

Yeah 


Peter.

    
    Peter,
    
    	glad you didn't end with LITTLE & LARGE! 8-)
    
    JBG

    Hey Peter,
    
    I'm willing to wager that replies to our note will outnumber those
    in the Chelsea note before long ;-)  But then we'll be talking about
    real football, which has no place in the Chelsea note ;;---)))  (Sorry
    Ray !)
    
    
    Jerry.

    Hi guys,
    
    If I understood correctly, this note is here to place wierd goals?
    
    How about this one:
    A few years back, Feijenoord-goalie (at that time) Joop Hiele, kicks
    out the ball, on the head of one of his defenders, and the ball bounces
    back into the net.
    
    Or the one where a South-American keeper just made a great save. He's
    all proud and wants to throw the ball far away, but he lets go off the
    ball too late, throwing it into his own goal.
    
    Marcel

    Hey Jon,
    
    Someone's writing in our note !
    
    We'll have to sort him out ;-)
    
    Jerry.

    Is this a private note? Sorry, I didn't know.  :)
    I guess you guys would rather be alone then.
    That sounds awkward, doesn't it?
    
    Marcel, he_who_will_be_back!

    
    Marcel,
    
        no its not a private note, you're very welcome here....
    but.....you must score some incredible goals to qualify.
    
    	Let me give you another example...... the only time I got
    a hat-trick (thats 3 goals 8-)) in an 11-a-side match (it was
    thankfully a pre-season friendly), I put them all in my own net!!! 
    2 volley's and a header. I got dropped for the next game for some reason.
    I usually get a few goals a season, but in my whole career (competitive
    matches) I have scored only gaol at the right end (& then I ended up in
    hospital with concusion having clashed heads with their keeper!).
    
    	So Marcel, lets hear about your incredible goals!
    
    JBG

    Well I don't know if this counts as it wasn't actually a goal but
    it nicely sums up my football career since. ie none
    
    Back in my School days I was playing my usual inept style of play
    and thus was rewarded with playing back in defence, when all of 
    a sudden the ball landed at my feet and in my panic I actually 
    started to run up the pith, past one player around another, nothing
    could stop me.  It was a run tat would have made the great Pele proud.
    As I flew past the last defender, one of the teachers at that, I could
    here everyone behind me shouting encouragement.  And then the goal
    homed into view, with only the goaly to beet.  I chose my corner, 
    prepared myself for the impending glory and pulled my right foot back
    for the shot.  I could already here the cheers of my adoring public
    as I was carried off the ptch at shoulder height, when one of
    my over enthusiastic, glory hunting team mates came storming in, 
    wellied the ball and I watched in amazement and horror as the ball
    scuffed off the side of his foot and went harmlessly for a throw.
    
    Well that's about how it happened, although i might have over
    dramatised it a smidgen.  Hope you weren't too bored.
    
    Jim

    RE.-2
    Well, I only played soccer for 2 years, when I was much younger.
    I was about 10, or 11, and I was a defender, so I didn't get too many
    chances to score, especially since my coach was a thick-headed man, who
    strongly believed a defender should stay around his own 16 meters area.
    If you would try to get closer to the half-line, he would yell:' Get
    back to your position! Now!'. And so, all my creative talents (as if
    there were any!) were subpressed.  :)
    
    However, there was this indoor 5 to 5 tournament, on those small
    fields. I still had to play defender, but while we were attacking, I
    sneaked up to the halfline, without my coach seeing it. When their
    goalie saved a shot from one of my team-mates, the ball flew towards
    me. I was facing their goal at the right side of the field, on the
    halfcourd line. The ball came at sholder height, slightly to my right.
    I swung my leg in a karate-alike move towards it, and I hit the ball
    exactly as I planned. My shorts made a tearing sound, but the ball was
    on its way to the goal. I hit it so well, that it passed to goalie, and
    end up in the left upper corner of the goal. Their goalie had no
    chance.
    Everybody cheered and my coach ran onto the field and was as happy as a
    little kid who gets an ice cream on a hot day. I was the hero of the
    game. The rest of the tournament, I didn't play very well, still
    shocked that I had scored such a beautifull goal.
    
    Well, can I be a part of this note after this youth-story?
    
    Marcel.  :)

    
    Of course Marcel, but first, what happened to your shorts??? 8-)
    
    JBG
    
    PS. We could widen the subject to include any incredible incident....
    for instance....
    
    	I used to play in the Cardiff Combination Saturday League. Left
    back was my spot (forget the old gags) and the goalie was a strapping
    great hulk of a policeman. Not the most agile keeper I've played in
    front of but he had great "presence" if you know what I mean...I saw
    one forward go in late and catch our keeper in the head with his
    knee..... the keeper didn't notice it ....the forward didn't get up for
    a while! OK, so, the keeper is built in the Dean Richards mould. Well,
    one of our forwards was a featherwieght in comparison but very agile.
    	Well, this one Saturday we're playing a side and one of their mid-field
    is a bit past it not our chap spends the afternoon running rings around
    him to the extent that his own team were giving him some stick. He got
    pretty wound up and started putting in some dirty / late challenges
    most of which missed but he eventually manages to get himself booked.
    So, the game finishes (we won by some decent margin) and we're now
    taking down the nets whilst the other team have gone off to the
    showers....all except this one mid-field guy whos hanging around.
    	As we start walking back to the "clubhouse", the guy wanders up to
    our forward and with out warning lands his right fist square in the
    middle of our chaps face, making quit a mess of his nose. Before we got
    the chance to jump the guy, our keeper collars him with the immortal
    words.... "you're under arrest son!"..... and marched him straigt to
    the nearest nick!
    	So, if you must play dangereous sports, always make sure you have a
    policeman with you 'cos they come in very handy at times!
    
    PPs. The guy was nicked and done for GBH, fined (I forget how much) and
    banned from the league. Had he made the assualt during the game ("in
    the heat of the moment"), he would apparently have got away with it!

    
    Not an incredible incident......but quite funny,so here goes,
    
    A friend of mine plays for a local Junior,(non-league),football team
    up here in Scotland.On the team bus on the way to a game in the middle
    of winter one day a fellow teammate offered him a drink of whisky from
    a hip flask he was carrying.
    As it was Baltic weather outside his teammate said it would help get a
    heat into him.The journey lasted 40 minutes and by the time they had
    arrived at the away teams park they had consumed the entire contents
    of the flask.
    My friend turned to his teammate and said,"How the heck are we gonna
    last ninety minutes...hiccup?"
    His teammate then came out with the classic line,"Oh....I`m suspended".
    
    In hindsight it wasn`t that bad,Mo Johnstone has been doing that for
    years...........8-)
    
    Davie

    RE.-3
    My shorts stayed intact (unbelievable!!), but I overstretched just a
    bit by raising my leg about 1.40 metres in the air, instead of the
    normal maximum height of about .5 metres.   :)
    Well, I'm just not made out of rubber, what can I say.
    
    Marcel

    
    ....well, if you think the World Cup ref's are bad....
    
    	Jerry & I and and our bunch of expats played in a 6-a-side
    tournament on Saturday and the refereeing there was abyssmal. We
    came to the conclusion that the ref's (who usually wore colours
    matching one of the teams and rarely moved from the half-way line)
    were just meant to count the goals. The ref's just didn't have a clue.
    Some blew up if you so much as looked at another player, with others
    you could get away with murder. Before the competition started, we were
    informed by letter that the "normal Swiss FA rules" would apply except
    that there would be no off-side. We won 3 of our 4 group matches & the
    1/4 final and lost to a team from Cardiff in the semi final. We then
    proceeded to lose the 3rd/4th playoff which was marred by the following
    piece of refereeing.
    	Opposing team put the ball out behind our gaol line for a gaol kick
    to us. Out goalie wanders off to collect the ball and places it a few
    yard out from his goal. As he steps back to take the goal kick, one of
    the opposing players dives in and kicks the ball into our net. The
    referee blows for a goal and explains that goal kicks are not allowed
    in this competition!!!! This is inspite of the fact that an earlier
    referee had consistently called for the use of goal kicks.
    	Our appeals fell on deaf ears, and anyway we were to tired to care
    after 7 games in 33�C.
    
    	Another even more crazy incident occurred in one of our group games
    against a team from London. Our striker, Manfred (he's German & didn't
    quite see the funny side at first), beat the opposing defense & pushed
    the ball past the keeper. However, the keeper, seeing that he had been
    completely beaten makes a dive and grabs Manfred around his ankles.
    Manfred falls over, and the ball stops on the goal line with Manfred's
    head about 6 inches away. Both teams, including the London keeper, are
    in hysterics as Manfred tries to wriggle out of the keeper's grasp &
    knock the ball over the line with his head. Nobody made any effort to
    help Manfred & after a while one of the London defenders walks up and
    kicks the ball into touch. 
    	The referee has been watching these events from the halfway line
    and now he trots up and ...... wait for it.......
    
    .....he signals for a throw in to us!!!! Needless to say we all fell
    about laughing even more and the London team allowed us to take a
    penalty. Manfred eventually saw the joke....
    
    JBG