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Conference thebay::joyoflex

Title:	The Joy of Lex
Notice:	A Notes File even your grammar could love
Moderator:	THEBAY::SYSTEM

Created:	Fri Feb 28 1986
Last Modified:	Mon Jun 02 1997
Last Successful Update:	Fri Jun 06 1997
Number of topics:	1192
Total number of notes:	42769

1087.0. "British Seagull - telling it like it is" by LINGO::PETERS () Fri Feb 11 1994 09:37

    
    (I had posted this in a local writers' conference, but it is getting
    circulated now, so I'm moving it here for a wider audience. Hope you
    enjoy it.  Steve)
    
I have an old British Seagull outboard motor, and have found the Operating
Instructions supplied with the motor to be an inspiration.

I thought I would share with you some of the sections from their nineteenth
edition:



                      READ THIS CAREFULLY
                      BEFORE ANYTHING ELSE

    	"The world of engine owners is divided into two classes .
    . . the vast majority are those who never get any trouble,
    and get heaps of pleasure, both for themselves, their
    families and friends, day in  and day out . . . whilst the
    second class is a very small minority which is always in
    trouble, causing misery to itself and constantly drawing on
    the kindness and goodfellowship of other people for aid and
    assistance.

    	Curiously enough, this minority is always by far the most
    vociferous, and has no hesitation in blaming the equipment
    fated for use, verbally and in print.

    	Frankly, blaming engines and everything to do with them
    may have had some basis in fact twenty or thirty years ago,
    but today it just doesn't hold water . . . to be in trouble
    today is seldom the fault of the engine, whatever its make   
    . . . once, or even twice, may be bad luck, but continuous
    trouble is nothing else but a reflection on the user."

    	
                       ------------------

    "...almost all the ailments attached to outboard motoring can
    be accounted for by the attitude of "it doesn't matter ...
    any old plug will do .... any old fuel   ... any oil that's
    available ...no need to read the instructions, I know all
    about engines ... this'll do ... that'll do", etc. etc., ad
    nauseam.

    	Let us say at once, this won't do . . . and is asking for
    trouble ...
            ... we don't write this book for fun, we do it
    because it's vital for your own pleasure, security and peace
    of mind."

                         ------------------


    ".... If the engine cuts out suddenly, without warning,
    whilst running, it's ten chances to one that it's plug
    trouble.

    	Now, this is the vital point to remember.

    	This is the whole crux of the matter . . . if the engine
    won't start (always supposing tha there is fuel in the
    carburettor, and that it hasn't run out of fuel) and shows no
    sign of life after three or four pulls of the starting cord,
    and ONLY three or four, WHIP OUT THE PLUG AT ONCE . . . don't
    go on pulling the cord.

    	After two or three attempts, every time you pull the
    starting cord you render the engine more and more unlikely to
    start at all.

    	If it doesn't start after two or three attempts there's
    something wrong, and pulling the cord makes matters worse and
    worse.

    The cause of the trouble , initially, is more than likely a
    speck of fouling bridging the points of the plug . . . if the
    plug is removed at once, and the points cleared, on replacing
    the plug the engine will start immediately.

    	But will people do this? . . . No, they won't . . .
    instead they go on pulling the starting cord for twenty
    minutes or so, pumping more and more fuel into the engine,
    and filling the plug with oil, and then have to row home, and
    sometimes (if they have got the strength) write a furious
    letter to the manufacturers.

    	We have no sympathy with these people at all.

    	When they remove the plug, it is full of oil, and filthy,
    and they believe that an oily plug was the cause of the
    trouble.

    	The cause of the trouble was the initial speck of fouling
    which bridged the points . . . they oiled the plug up
    themselves, by pulling the starting cord ineffectively
    afterwards.    ...."


                       ------------------

T.R	Title	User	Personal Name	Date	Lines
1087.1		ATYISB::HILL	Don't worry, we have a cunning plan!	`Mon Feb 14 1994 01:32`	12
	Absolutely brilliant... I wish other manufacturers would allow their manual writers the same freedom of expression -- and that includes Digital. How often have I worked on a customer's problem, when I was a software specialist, and found that the Release Notes and the Read Me First documentation have stayed in their shrinkwrap for months. One quick reference shows the solution to the customer's problem is already known and described. Nick
1087.2		BBRDGE::LOVELL	� l'eau; c'est l'heure	`Tue Feb 15 1994 00:08`	16
	Not many companies would have the confidence to risk their customer loyalty on a a piece of potentially irritating prose (no matter how humorous or well written). Exceptions to this are companies such as BS who have a product so good that it sells itself - a classic unchanging product that appeals to a diminishing band of erstwhile fanatics who recognise the product as an icon and certainly enjoy this sort of mild verbal chiding. Rest assured, this otherwise funny article would P*** me off when trying to diagnose a fault with my electronic everything 150HP Japanese marvel motor. Hmmm - maybe we should relax a little and try this approach with our PDP-11 literature :-)
1087.3		DRDAN::KALIKOW	Info Highway Construction Crew	`Tue Feb 15 1994 07:22`	8
	Yeah, gotta love that BS company. I never can resist those BS-filled sales-pitches! ?? BT, BP, I know, but BS ?? (Sounds to me like a British/American mismatch again...:-)
1087.4		ED3B41::STEENWINKEL	Mostly Harmless	`Wed Feb 16 1994 06:34`	26
	.3> ?? BT, BP, I know, but BS ?? Dan, Dan, Dan, ... Howzabout British Seagull, as clearly identified by .0? If it were an American company, the first line would read 'The manufacturer of this product is not liable for any damages, direct or consequential, resulting from repeatedly pulling the starter when previous attempts have already failed, or broken fingernails when trying to remove the plug' :-) FYI, the Seagull outboard motor is composed of clearly identifyable and accessible parts. Fairing? Who needs that? I often wished I had one instead of the 4hp Johnson that needs a ratchet socket set (inch sized [not exactly commodity in Europe], with extender) to remove the top cover whenever the starter cord fails to rewind properly (which it often does) :-(. Unfortunately, its mounting clamp hasn't failed one single time ... 'We have no sympathy whatsoever for people who have bought the wrong product, and insist on using it against their better judgement' :-) - Rik -
1087.5	Wouldn't life be dull without a smile?	LINGO::PETERS		`Wed Feb 16 1994 11:05`	14
	OK, the style does not suit every occasion. Even so, I think it's refreshing to find a manufacturer who is (was?) prepared to have some fun with their documentation. The motor (and book) date from the mid 60's, and it is still going strong. For what it is worth, the rest of the book is fairly straightforward, and the factual stuff is written plainly. I simply lifted most of the 'fun' bits. In the Dave Barry notes tradition I should have put in a disclaimer saying "reproduced without permission ...", but there is no hint of a copyright in the book. Still, credit where its due, eh? Steve
1087.6	Rik, Rik, Rik, (blush), (blush), (blush)! :-)	DRDAN::KALIKOW	Info Highway Construction Crew	`Wed Feb 16 1994 14:22`	13
	Well, color ME BaseNoteblind!! Only one nit: you coulda achieved a higher pith/byte ratio with a simple RTFBN doncha think?? As my penance I have a suggested rathole: Would someone write a DECwrite or DECpresent manual intro in the style of the British Seagull manual? TYVM :-)
1087.7		JIT081::DIAMOND	$ SET MIDNIGHT	`Wed Feb 16 1994 18:12`	7
	>you coulda achieved a higher pith/byte ratio with a simple RTFBN Even higher with a simple RTFT, because the title of the base note appears at the top even with the replies. (At least in the viewers I've seen.) -- Norman Diamond
1087.8	OK, add another (blush) !!	DRDAN::KALIKOW	Info Highway Construction Crew	`Wed Feb 16 1994 18:31`	2
	Twue
1087.9		BBRDGE::LOVELL	� l'eau; c'est l'heure	`Fri Feb 18 1994 05:16`	12
	Dan, Stay outa this topic!! It is obviously the domain of expert outboard boater-noters of British (or at limit Commonwealth) stock - you are in a different league :-) BS is the stuff of the old empire, pre-dates the particular American vernacular to which you refer by many decades and must in no notes in this conference be ever held in direct or indirect comparison with cultureless and history-free products like DECwrite no matter how similar their small market shares. /Chris
1087.10		ED3B41::STEENWINKEL	Mostly Harmless	`Fri Feb 18 1994 06:18`	15
	Chris, excuse me, but I'm neither British nor limited Commonwealth. European Union, yes, but that's something all you Brits abhor. Watch out, or we'll be coming up the Thames again, outboard motor or not (I doubt that fine piece of American engineering by the Johnson Co. would get me even halfway ...) :-) As an aside, may I offer the word 'koeievlaai' to all of you as an alternative to the apparently un-PC BS (as in bovine excreta, not British Seagull)? This word is not trademarked, copyrighted or patented, and has about the same interjection capacity as the original. - Rik -
1087.11	Linguistic full circle?	SMURF::BINDER	Omnia tibi dicta non crede	`Fri Feb 18 1994 06:32`	3
	Actually, BS is obviously an acronym for the Latin phrase Bovis Stercus. Which, odd coincidence that it must be deemed, really means bovine excreta or, in the patois of the streets, BS.
1087.12		BBRDGE::LOVELL	� l'eau; c'est l'heure	`Mon Feb 21 1994 14:24`	13
	Thank you mille-fois Dick! I've been aching to find a PC expletive that I can unleash in the middle of boring meetings. Bovis Stercus! I shall cry in the smug knowledge that I have in 4 syllables simultaneously upped the literary ante and dealt a primitive perjorative blow to the subject under discussion. /Chris. P.S. Please tell me that this is reliable Latin. I have always been a bit doubtful of the only other complete phrase that I know - "Nil carborundum illegitimi"
1087.13		SMURF::BINDER	Omnia tibi dicta non crede	`Tue Feb 22 1994 06:59`	17
	Re .13 Chris, although (to the best of my knowledge) bovis stercus isn't an original ancient Latin epithet, it is nonetheless 100% reliable Latin, grammatically correct and accurate in its meaning. Literal translation is "bull's/ox's/cow's manure/dung." A classical Latin scholar will pronounce it `bo-wiss `stair-cooss, with the grave accents indicating the accented syllables and the "oo" sound as in foot, not as in hoot. (Ancient Latin had no v sound; the letter we use for V was either a vowel, u, or a consonant, w.) As Latin goes, "Nil carborundum illegitimi" is pure bovis stercus. Enjoy. -dick