Conference thebay::joyoflex

    	Since the challenge has been taken up, I will show my current
    one (which amply demonstrates why I need something better). I think
    the general requirement is something which is fairly meaningless,
    but gives the impression that the system has its prickles raised
    all along its Q-bus at your temerity in touching a key.
    
            INTERNAL USE ONLY
            UNAUTHORISED ACCESS TO THIS NETWORK IS PROHIBITED.
            HACKERS WILL BE EATEN IN SMALL BYTES IN AN INFINITE LOOP!
    Username: SYSTEM
    Password: 
            Welcome to VAX/VMS version V4.5 on node IDEFIX

  My UNWELCOME MAT looks like this:


       The name of this node is classified.
    Trespassers will be shot, then prosecuted.
       Unauthorized Access is Prohibited.
  
  However, I think Jon Callas' SYS$WELCOME for node ERIS takes the cake.
  Jon?

  JP

    Thanks, I thought you'd never ask. Here's my missive on the subject.
    
    	Jon

From:	ERIS::CALLAS "More fun than exploding a potato in the microwave  30-Apr-1987 1112" 30-APR-1987 11:51:40.19
To:	FOLKSTAR::
CC:	
Subj:	Security brou-ha-ha

        In case you haven't heard about this, the latest hoopla around
        here concerns a case in New Jersey (I won't say anything,
        Andrew). Apparently, some kid broke into a VMS system, prodded
        around, was caught and prosecuted.

        His defense was that since the system said, "Welcome to mumble,"
        that he was invited in and therefore free to do as he pleased.
        Well, the judge let him off. The security people, instead of
        acting calmly and deliberately (after all, what does this mean
        about welcome mats in front of people's houses, eh?), have
        sounded the trumpets, leaped on their horses, firm in their
        faith that the castle walls have been breached.

        The upshot is that they are advocating not saying what system
        you're logging into, saying tautological things in login
        messages like, "unauthorized access is prohibited." Furthermore,
        they're even trying to argue that that statement isn't
        tautological when told that it is and that they're being calm
        when told that they aren't. Don't they make people take a
        semantics course in college any more? In general, there's lots
        of hysteria in lots of notes conferences and otherwise sensible
        people are issuing silly edicts about what to say in the system
        login messages and how much barbed wire should be placed around
        every terminal in the company.

        Being a good corporate citizen, I revamped my system messages to
        meet the threat of unwittingly welcoming miscreants to my
        system. Here are my new system messages for ERIS, culled from a
        SET HOST 0/LOG:

    		Jon



 ERIS -- I just want you to know that you're not at all welcome here.

Username: CALLAS
Password:
                This is ERIS, a VAXstation in VMS development.

        In accordance with the new company security policy I should
        inform you that if you're not supposed to be here, then you're
        not supposed to be here. You know know this just as well as I,
        and there's no use pretending that you don't. This VAX is
        positively lousy with security alarms, so if you're not supposed
        to be here, you really had better log out now lest something
        dreadful happen that you get blamed for. The corporate lawyers
        are in a particularly surly mood these days and are apt to do
        something nasty like mercilessly prosecute you until you end up
        hanged, drawn, quartered, flayed into small morsels, made into
        sausages, cremated, and your ashes flung under the floorboards
        of a small New England church where Irish cloggers will disturb
        your rest on Tuesdays, Fridays, and Sundays (not to mention the
        Saturday morning children's tap school) for a long, long, time.
        They're particularly unpleasant to repeat offenders. Don't say
        you weren't warned, because you were.

	On the other hand, if you are supposed to be here, welcome
        and happy computing.

    Last interactive login on Wednesday, 29-APR-1987 17:09
    Last non-interactive login on Wednesday, 29-APR-1987 12:08

	    You have 23 new Mail messages.

.

You're staying late. For anything special?

You are at WINI:[CALLAS].
=)0Eris`

	I was kind of disappointed that we had to remove the name of the
	system from the welcome. . . .

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
	Use
	Restricted --
	System
	Under
	Limited
	Access.

Username: WIECHMANN
Passwork:

	Ursula is the Property Of Digital Equipment Corporation
	and is for Internal Use Only.

< Note 415.3 by ERIS::CALLAS "Strange days, indeed." >
             -< Personally, I like Andrew's message for Super... >-

    Okay, this is the reply I sent back to Jon after I saw his...
    (It's mildly scatological, so if you aren't into $#!+, NEXT UNSEEN)
    
    
    
    		SUPERSTITION:  Eat Shit and DIE!!
    
    Username:    

Just thought I'd mention, in the long dissertation back there about
Irish clogger floorboards, the phrase

	know know

appears where I think you meant merely

	know

/Eric

    Thank you.
    
    	Jon

    How about:
    
    	Unauthorized Access to this Network is Impossible 
	-------------------------------------------------
        
    
	    roger    
    

    How about:
    
    UNAUTHORIZED ACCESS TO THIS NETWORK WILL FORCE US TO TAKE STEPS
             AS TO CAUSE YOU THE UTMOST DAMNED ASTONISHMENT
    
    genesis:
    
    
    This is an adaptation from a dunning letter sent out from an East
    Indian firm:
    
    "Dear Sir --
    
    "	If you do not pay us what you owe us, we will take such steps
    as to cause you the utmost damned astonishment."
    
    This was quoted by H. Allen Smith in one of his essays, and I agree
    with him that it's just one yard short of being magnificent.
    
    Steve Kallis, Jr.

    		AUTHORIZED ACCESS ONLY
    ?