Conference thebay::joyoflex

    My duaghter says that the sign
    
    	FROST
    	HEAVES
    
    ...should be followed with
    
    	SNOW
    	HOS

    Ogden Nash had a poem some years ago in which the sign
    
    	CROSS
      CHILDREN
    	WALK
    
    was prominant.  Alas, after searching everywhere, I find I don't
    have a copy.  However, he finished the poem with
    
    	CHEERFUL
    	CHILDREN
    	  RIDE

    We have a system here of part-time crossing wardens who stop the
    traffic for children crossing busy roads to and from school.  They
    have a special sign on a pole which reads
    
    			STOP
    		      CHILDREN

    I've always liked the advice (political statement?) in rebuilding
    and road projects; where, for the good of the environment and to
    leave things in a pristine state, they demand
    
    		END
    	    CONSTRUCTION

And then there are the instructions on most every bottle of shampoo:

	LATHER
	RINSE
	REPEAT

I got out of the loop when the bottle was empty.

Stephen

    I think those 'FROST HEAVES' signs are childish.  I get sick of
    winter too, but I don't feel it necessary to advertise my condition
    in this way.
    
    	HRB

    My favorite sign of all times was post at the entrance to a parking
    lot, facing into the lot:
    
              -----------------
              |               |
    	      | ENTRANCE ONLY |
              |               |
    	      | DO NOT ENTER  |
              |               |
              -----------------
    
    -- Ward

While driving through Acton, Ma. I came across the following:



	CAUTION
	  MEN
	  IN
	 TREES


Keeping an eye out for children, animals, etc is fine but are we now 
supposted to look up to make sure nothing (or no one) is coming DOWN?

...Jim

The funniest sign I ever saw was at a restaurant on Route 101A in Nashua, NH. 
The place was a truck-stop and it had fuel pumps out front. Over the door, in 
big red letters, was the 'advertisement':

	EAT HERE AND GET GAS

I am also amused by the sign at the entrance to a cemetery on the same road 
which reads:

	 EVERGREEN CEMETARY
	      ONE WAY

And then there was the time I was in Boston and came to an intersection where 
all the other streets were one-way - towards me! As in "All roads lead to Rome",
or in this case, "All roads lead to Mass (confusion)".

	Sue

    Re -1:
    
    > And then there was the time I was in Boston and came to an
    > intersection where all the other streets were one-way - towards
    > me!
    
    Oh, no.  You must have gotten stuck there, and were never heard
    from again!
    
    
    
    Okay, the road you were on had to be two-way.

   |`-___-'|
   | To 395|
    \     /
  .__\___/___.		I saw this sign post in Washington DC last week.
  |  <====   |		I guess it was a "you can't get there from here".
  `----------'
       ||
  .__________.				-Kurt*
  | ONE WAY  |
  |  ====>   |
  ------------
       ||
    

That reminds me of two signs I saw at the end of a street in Middletown, CT. 

The one on top points down the street and announces a church.

The one beneath that sign says "one way / do not enter / Sunday 8 AM - 11 AM."

Bob

    In London there is a hospital with the following sign:
    
    	HOSPITAL FOR WOMEN
    
    	PLEASE GO QUIETLY

    Heard on a local station's "news brief"
    
    	Four-car accident on Interstate 75...
    	Three persons injured, two dead...
    	More at eleven.

Seen at several local MacDonald's:

	DRIVE THRU PARKING ONLY


re: .-1

	"Soviet Union launches missles against USA  -  story at eleven."

    My favorite, seen in Upstate New York...
                      /\
                     /  \
                    /    \
                   / DEAD \
                   \ END  /
                    \    /
                     \  /
                      \/
                      ||
                  ----------
                  |        |
                  |   NO   |
                  |  THRU  |
                  | TRUCKS |
                  |        |
                  ----------
                      ||

    Outside our local fire department are two signs.
    
    One says:
               NO PARKING
          FIRE DEPARTMENT ONLY
          
    
    The other one reads:
    
               PARKING
        FIRE DEPARTMENT ONLY
   
    Maybe it's because it's a volunteer fire department.
    
    BS

    In Boston, as you leave the expressway (an oxymoron, by the way)
    heading south to enter the tunnel (I can never remember which is
    the Callahan which is the Sumner - in New York they have 3 tunnels
    all called the Linocoln Tunnel, but in Boston ....?) ....
    
    Sorry to digress - as you get ready to enter the tunnel, 
    the sign reads:
    
              TUNNEL
             NO. END
    
    BS
    

    I saw one of the replaceable-letter signs in Amherst, N.H. which
    read:
    
                          PART TIME HELP WANTED
                             FOOD FOR PETS 
    
    (The name of the establishment is "Food For Pets".  I wondered just
    what their help is used for.)

    Somewhere between Bloomington, Indiana, and Indianapolis is a cafeteria
    that has had the same Sunday special for years.  The sign is permanent
    and, to my mind, not appetizing.  It reads:
    
    			CHICKEN LEG, MASHED
    			POTATOES, GREEN
    			BEANS
                              
    Call me fussy, but I don't care for mashed chicken leg or green
    potatoes.           
    
    Earl Wajenberg

Along a similar vein, an Italian restaurant
had the following on the menu:

	SPAGHETTI WITH BABY
	CLAM SAUCE

I never ordered it to see how a baby with clam sauce
would taste.

    			FOR SALE
    
    		    RENAULT 12 ESTATE
    
                 R REG, LONG MOT AND TAX
    
    		       COLOUR BLUE
    
    	       LADY OWNER, REGULARLY SERVICED
    		    BY RENAULT MECHANIC
    
    		    PHONE ...

    Re: .22
    
    Sounds like she receives lubrication at regular intervals, and is
    always inflated according to specs.
    
    -bs
    
    PS for Jeff: How do you pronounce your last name? I know several
    Goodenoughs in our town, and they pronounce it (excuse the NH accent):
    
    GOOD'-E-NUF
    
    thanks -
    
    -bee ess

    I pronounce it just the same.  I have several stories from travels
    in the US, where for some reason my name is considered peculiar :-)
    
    In a "restaurant" on top of Mount Palomar, I was asked to leave
    my name for when my Moonburger would be ready.  He: "You're puttin'
    me on!"  Me: "No - that's my name"  He: "Only, people leave all sorts
    of weird names".
    
    And the girl on the front desk of the motel in San Diego thought
    it was "kinda cute".
    
    Jeff.
    

     The California driver awareness test.( Seen while going down Walnut
    St. just before Fremont Blvd. in Fremont California).
    
     At the side of the road on a post where the following signs, one
    atop the other:
    

    	 --------------
    	|  Speed Limit |
    	|      35      |
    	|      MPH     |
    	 --------------
       	 --------------
    	|  Speed Limit |
    	|      25      |
    	|      MPH     |
    	 --------------
     

    re: .-1
    
    Sounds like the speed limit by the two signs is 60.
    
    -bs

    rep -1,-2
    
     Not to be out done (done in?). I was driving the other direction
    Saturday and found the same set of signs on the other side of the 
    road. Trying to get you comming and going? Fremont, the two level
    city!

    Huh!
    
    Its really 30.
    
    (25+35)/2 = 30
    
    DCB
    

    Re .25:
    
    So what's the problem?  There's no contradiction.  The bottom sign says
    "It's illegal to go over 25 m.p.h.".  If it's illegal to go over 25,
    it's also illegal to go over 35.  That's what the top sign says -- it
    must just be a reminder for people who have forgotten that 35 is
    greater than 25.
    
                                      
    				-- edp 

    It's your point of view on whether the speed limit is legal or illegal.
    
    
    One sign says the legal speed limit is 35.
    
    The other says it's legal to go 25.
                                    
    
    So if you go 35, you're within the legal speed limit.
    
    -bs
    

    .25 are you sure there's no "fine print" or local ordinance that
    specifies dual limits as in rush-hour/not-rush-hour,  wet/dry,
    day/night, mud-slide-behind-you/no-mud-slide-behind-you,
    ordinary-citizen-behind-you/police-car-behind-you et cetera?
    
    RMM
    

    Then there's Elm Street in Concord, MA where the speed limit is
    DIFFERENT depending on which direction you are going (45 on one
    side of the street, 40 on the other; then it changes to 35/40 and
    then to 35/30!!).  Hmmm.....

    From a cartoon in a recent issue of SCIENCE (of all places!)

                                  Society of
                                Statisticians

                                 Founded 1920
                                  � 3 years

Seen together on a post in New Hampshire:


       +-----------+       +-----------+
       |           |       |           |
       |  DO NOT   |       |  RADAR    |
       |  LITTER   |       |  ENFORCED |
       |           |       |           |
       |   $500    |       |           |
       |   FINE    |       |           |
       +-----------+       +-----------+

    Re .35:
    
    Gee, I always wondered what the stuff on weather radar displays they
    call "ground clutter" was.
    
    
    				-- edp 

    Just visited Jamaica, where they drive on the left (as in the U.K.),
    but where traffic and road signs have a special piquancy.
    
    On the road to Ocho Rios out of Montego Bay, I saw the following
    sign:
    
    
                         __________________
                         |                |
                         |      SLOW      |
                         |                |
                         | FORTUNE TELLER |
                         |                |
                         ------------------
    
    
    
    To explain the next, a bit of Jamaican color:
    
    In Jamaica, they have a type of local barbecue stand that sells
    pork as "jerk pork," derived, one supposes, from the same source
    as sun-dried meat as "jerkey."  Anyway, there are many Jerk Pork
    stands scattered aklong the roadside, and if you travel with the
    windows of your vehicle open, sooner or later you're bound to
    experience the not-unpleasant odor of cooking pork.
    
    Apparently, some pool their resources to process their meat.  On
    a signpost off the main road to Ocho Rios was a signpost proclaiming:
    
                                      |\
              ________________________| \
              |   JERK  CENTRE           >
              ------------------------| /
                                      |/
    
    ...Gave me quite a start, momentarily.
    
    Steve Kallis, Jr.

    MLNOIS::HARBIG
                   The previous note reminded me of a terrible
                   old British Music Hall pun:-
                   
                     "My wife's gone to the West Indies."
    
                     "Jamaica ?"
    
                     "No.She went of her own accord."
    
                                              Max  

    ...of an exchange from a song by the Monkees:
    
    Davey:  "I just got back from Africa, you know. I was playing
    		cards with the natives."
    Mickey: "Zulus?"
    Davey:  "No, I usually won."
    
    --- jerry

  If you drive past parking lot E at ZK, the little wooden simulated National
  Park sign indicates that you will reach something called "SHIP/REC DOCK."

Lew Lasher

    Stirling Cable Co in Aldermaston, England, make specialist cables.
    They have a canteen that opens onto a bit of ground by the canal.
    In summer they have trouble with ducks wandering in the door and
    c******g on the floor. So they put a sign on the door reading (at
    duck eye level) "Sorry, no ducks".

    The cafeteria in our building has two large trash receptacles, placed
    next to each other.  Affixed to the bin on the left is the following
    sign:
    
              +------------------------+
              |      WHEN FULL         |
              | PLEASE USE OTHER BIN   |
              +------------------------+
    
    Since I generally am full by the time I'm ready to throw something
    away, I use the one on the right most of the time.  What I don't
    understand is why it makes any difference whether I'm full or not
    when it comes to choosing a trash bin.

    Re: .-1
    
    Another gastronomic poser:
    
    Coffee machines in REO2 bear a sign that says something like:
    
    			+----------------------------+
    			| IN THE EVENT OF BREAKDOWN  |
    			|     CONTACT FACILITIES     |
    			+----------------------------+
    
    I have to admit, the vagaries of the cofee machines sometimes
    get me quite upset; but I never feel in need of analysis by the
    Facilities Department.

    
    My prize for the most mealy-mouthed (and common) notice
    goes to British Rail/London Transport ('LRT')/most other
    public services that publish time tables:
    
    "... services may be subject to delays"
    
    What they mean is that _all_ services _will_be_ subject to delays,
    and the unlucky ones will be subject_ed_ to a delay as well.
    
    bob

    One of my favorites is no longer there but was amusing while it
    lasted.  Travelling West on Route I-290 from Auburn to Worcester,
    Massachusetts, there was a sign that said "Worcester 1" or something
    like that indicating that you were one mile from Worcester.  About
    10 yards up the road was the "Entering...Worcester" sign.  I used
    to refer to it as the shortest mile known to man.  Someone must
    have noticed this and the "Entering...Worcester" sign was moved
    to exactly a mile from the "Worcester 1" sign.  I guess it was easier
    to move the town thant he "Worcester 1" sign :-).
    
    Denise
    

    Some of my favorites are not road signs, but they're fun.
    
    One day I was at a stop light next to a truck which was transporting
    several portable outdoor toilets, and it took a couple of minutes
    before the name of the company on the side of the truck registered:
    
    
                            Batavia Can Company
    
    
    And another few seconds to get the motto below the name:
    
    
                           "The Only Way To Go"
    
    
    Some years ago, I was bemused by a sign-series painted on the third
    floor windows of a run-down building in Newark, New Jersey. Window
    #1 said:
    
    
                      Bargain               Warehouse
    
    
    
                      Church                Bazaar
    
    
                     Rev. Christine Cooper, Pastor
    
    
    Window #2 said:
    
                          50 Dealers Inside
    
    
    The building was abandoned. 

Speaking of signs that are no longer there, imagine a worn-looking rectangle
where a sign used to be.

Then imagine a small sign next to the large rectangle that says:



		police took notice









    > police took notice

    Quite often here you see "Polite notice -- No Parking", which keeps
    away dyslexic drivers, at least.
    
    Jeff.

    < Note 148.41 by COMICS::DEMORGAN "Richard De Morgan, UK CSC/CS" >
                              -< Sorry, no ducks >-

>    In summer they have trouble with ducks wandering in the door and
>    c******g on the floor. So they put a sign on the door reading (at
>    duck eye level) "Sorry, no ducks".
 
    Well, I just had to say that this one really quacked me up.
    
    		O-		O-		O-
	    -\\\\	    -\\\\	    -\\\\
    	       L	       L	       L
        

    .48 reminds me of a neighbour who was fed up with dogs fouling a
    small piece of grass round a tree at the front of his house.  He
    put up a sign saying "Dogs keep off".
    
    Jeff.

    
    
    RE148.10
    
      Your title reminds me of when I was in up State New York
    at a gas station getting gas, when this car pulled up and this very
    elegant lady got out, came over to me and asked me: "How do I get
    to Boston from here". I looked at her and without hesitation said,
    "Sorry, you can't". All she said to me was "O.K. thanks", returned
    to her car and drove away.  

     I wondered how far she got before she realized what I had told
    her, and that you could get to Boston from New York.
    
                                   Chuck
    

    G'day from Downunder,
    
    Must confess to have not read ALL of this note,but probably most
    and had a few smiles. Reason for the apology lies in the hope that
    this has not been recorded before.
    
    Being English, I was used to the road sign 'ONE WAY'. Then I went
    to the Grand ol' U S of A and there I saw 'WRONG WAY' and even 'THIS
    WAY'.
    
    But I had to come to Australia before I saw the well known American
    phrase :-
    
    'NO WAY' - Its on the ends of the railway platforms.
    
    Derek
    

    
    Back to .41 and the ducks.....
    
    An anonymous Englishman of my acquaintance got fed up with American
    visitors who came for the weekend, borrowed his shotgun and blew
    his lawn full of holes, trying to hit the rabbits.
    He put up little tiny signs, facing outward.....
    	
    			ARMED 
    			RESPONSE.
    
    (This story has since appeared in a book, and, if my friend wasn't
    so embarrassed by his momentary lapse, he'd be suing Douglas Adams!)
    
    IP
    

A sign in Twickenham, England reads: "Wake & Pane - Undertakers"
Another in Wokingham, Berks: "Butchery Post Office"  -- sounds about right.

Greg.

    Here in Colorado Springs is a undertaker called "Blunt Mortuary".
    Never having been a customer of the shop (and hoping to keep it
    that way) I can not tell if they are blunt...

In Antibes I think there is a Swedish doctor on Purgatory Street, can't
remember if his name fits as well.

G.

    G'day,
    
    
    ...and Downunder there is a funeral parlour company called
    Labour Funerals...
    
    
    derek
    

    My favourite was on a gate on the quay in Southampton, England...not
    sure if it's still there...
    
    
                                J. FOX & SONS
                               BANANA RIPENERS
    
    -Andy

RE: -.2

Great sign, the mind boggles as to how these guys ripen the bananas. 
What could they do, lay them out under arc lamps or something?

Greg.

Have you seen the poster for one of our comptetitors that states in large
friendly letters:

"KNOW BULL"

Greg.

    Re: .60
    
    They have a series of radio advertisements on WRCB repeatedly using the
    phrase "KNOW BULL", both as an imperative sentence and otherways.

Is that the one where the guy is going on about how good the company and its
products are, and how they have all the answers for customers.  However, in the
background people are rythmically chanting "Bull, Bull, Bull..."?

What an advert.

Greg.

PS: Oh yes, and the initals for Bull Systems?

    The sign of our times is *.
    
    (The sign of old times was x.)

On the Washington Beltway:

		+-----------------------+
		|			|
		|      GALLOWS RD	|
		|			|
		|	EXIT ONLY	|
		|			|
		+-----------------------+
		       |HOSPITAL|
		       +--------+