Conference taveng::bagels

    I can sympathize with your search for a rabbit to perform your marriage
    - very few rabbis will perform a mixed marriage, even amongst the
    most liberal groups, although you can often get advice on how you
    can include Jewish practices that are meaningful to you personally
    in an otherwise-secular ceremony - our rabbi will gladly do that,
    for example.  For some reason, I guess because everyone knows I
    belong to a liberal schul, I get asked about this fairly often.
    Even the most liberal rabbis  tend to feel that a Jewish religious
    marriage is one between two Jews -- which isn't all that unreasonable,
    if you think about it.  You would have had the same problem trying
    to find a Christian clergyman/woman to perform a Christian ceremony
    for your wedding, if you had wanted that, since you are not a Christian
    (a lot of people end up going to the Unitarian Universalist meeting
    house - in fact, several people who now attend our synagogue and
    are of Jewish descent used to belong to the UU - from what I have
    seen of their literature, etc., they seem to be a really reasonable
    group).     
    
    On the other hand, treating the non-Jewish partner in a mixed marriage
    badly is a shame (at least!).  Of course, you would expect that
    there are some things your non-Jewish partner would not be asked
    to do in a synagogue, such as read from the Torah, but he certainly
    should not be made to feel like an unwanted and unwelcome intruder!
    You might consider joining a different congregation.  We have a
    number of mixed couples, and I don't think many people treat them
    badly (I had someone's old-timer grandfather call me a "shiksa"
    one time, though, which would have angered me if he had been a member
    rather than an old man who turned up for his great-grandson's bar
    mitzvah whom I probably wouldn't ever run into again and could safely
    assume was getting senile rather than being hopelessly tactless
    - as if I can help being a blonde!  One of my sister-in-laws is
    also blonde - only Paul, my husband, inherited those beautiful thick
    brown curls!).  Some of the non-Jewish spouses are active in the
    congregation, serving on committees, taking adult education classes,
    etc.  Not too long ago, I was at a bar mitzvah for a boy whose father
    is one of the non-Jewish spouses.  The only truly unusual thing
    about it, other than the father not having an aliyah (being called
    up to read from the Torah), of course, was that the boy's Hebrew
    name was something-or-other ben Yehudit  - sone of Judith (his mother's
    name), rather than both parents' names, as we usually do (being
    a liberal congregation - Paul usually insists on being called up
    to read Torah as Shragei Yosef ben Avraham Moshe ve Haya Elka, while
    I would just as soon be Gevorah bat Avraham).
                 

    Intersting side note regarding fees for wedings etc.
    
    Most contracts between Rabbis and their congregations require them
    to turn these gifts/fees over to the congregation.
    
    

    I apparently didn't make myself clear here -- the problem was not so
    much the rabbi or the fee.  It was the "why would you want a Rabbi
    when you're marrying someone you shouldn't?" tone to most of the
    conversations.  We wanted to be a part of the Jewish Community, and 
    the wedding was to symbolize that.

    No one called my husband names; his response was more due to the
    isolation of not knowing anything about the rituals, and having a
    difficult time getting anything explained.  Part of the problem was
    my own lack of religious education, and part was that he felt awkward
    trying to get the information.  It can be very difficult when you're
    not sure what questions to ask.

    This isn't really anyone's fault but our own.  My point, though, is
    that the end result was a greater distance between us and the Jewish
    community than would otherwise have existed.  These problems need to be
    anticipated and dealt with if Jews in mixed marriages are to be kept
    active in the community.

    Beverly

    re: .0 & .-1

    I am somewhat surprised at your situation.  I would expect any rabbi
    who performs mixed weddings to help the non-jewish member of the couple
    with the ceremony.

    You might be surprised to find that there are "out reach" programs for
    mixed couples.  These are designed to help such couples deal with the
    typical problems (ie: religion of kids, dealing with parents on both
    sides).  Check around with local Conservative and Reform synagogues for
    this sort of thing.

    Gavriel

    
    
    Our synagogue, Congregation Beth El of the Sudbury River Valley,
    has many mixed-marriage couples as members.  My perception is that
    the congregation goes out of its way to welcome both spouses.
    
    (The writer in 420.1 did not mention the name of his or 
    her synagogue.   Was it Beth El?)
    
    I've found the services to be very warm and, although the shul
    is officially reform, a nice mix of reform, conservative and
    even some orthodox influences.   
    
    We happily drive the 25 minutes from Newton to Sudbury to 
    participate in this congregation.  The services are egalitarian,
    as is the prayer book, which was compiled by members of the
    congregation.
    
    You might drop in for services some Friday night at 8:30.
    Their adult ed. program is also excellent.
    
    Michelle Fineblum
                     

    Nope, although I have attended services at Beth El a few times,
    and Paul's best friend's wedding (Paul was best man) was there, a
    couple of years ago - I like the prayer book.  We are members at
    Congregation B'nai Shalom, in Westboro.
    
    The Worcester synagogues seem to run a lot of "outreach" programs
    for mixed-marriage families.  I seem to remember seeing an announcement
    of another series of these programs fairly recently.  Your rabbi
    should be able to track them down (if not, you might want to "schul
    shop").  There even is, or was, anyhow, an Orthodox outreach program
    in Boston -- this info is several years out of date, but you can
    find out by calling the Va'ad Harabbonim of Boston; as I recall,
    their program was (as you would ordinarily expect) mostly concerned
    with non-Jewish spouses who were thinking about converting to the
    faith.  That might be more than you would be comfortable with. 
    Many Reform synagogues run "introduction to Judaism" classes, both
    for people thinking about conversion and for people of Jewish
    background who want to learn more about their heritage, and have
    family workshops before the major holidays.

>    Many Reform synagogues run "introduction to Judaism" classes, both
>    for people thinking about conversion and for people of Jewish
>    background who want to learn more about their heritage, and have
>    family workshops before the major holidays.

    I had forgotten to mention that both the Reform and Conservative
    movements offer similar programs.  They are not specific to a shul,
    though you need a "sponsoring rabbi".  They are mostly intended
    for education of prospective converts.  There are some non-converting,
    mixed couples who attend (for better understanding) and some
    poorly educated Jews looking to learn.

    I can get you the number of the rabbi who runs the Conservative
    classes (off-line) and with a little research find out the Reform.
    Send me mail if you are interested.

    Gavriel

    Not quite on the subject matter, but it does pertain to some of
    the title of the topic. So here are a couple of pieces I found ;

	If the statistics are right, the Jews constitute but one
	percent of the human race. It suggests a nebulous dim puff
	of star dust lost in the blaze of the Milky Way. Properly
	the Jew ought hardly to be heard of; but he is heard of, has
	always been heard of. He is as prominent on the planet as any
	other people, and his commercial importance is extravagantly
	out of proportion to the smallness of his bulk. His contributions
	to the world's list of great names in literature, science, art,
	music, finance, medicine and abstruse learning are also way
	out of proportion to the weakness of his numbers. He has made
	a marvellous fight in this world, in all the ages; and has
	done it with his hands tied behind him. He could be the vain of
	himself, and be excused for it. The Egyptian, the Babylonian
	and the Persian rose, filled the planet with sound and splendour
	, then faded to dream-stuff and passed away; the Greek and the
	Roman followed, and made a vast noise, and they are gone;
	other peoples have sprung up and held their torch high for a
	time, but it burned out, and they sit in a twilight now, or
	have vanished. The Jew saw them all, beat them all, and is now
	what he always was, exhibiting no decadence, no infirmities of
	age, no weakening of his parts, no slowing of his energies, no
	dulling of his alert and agressive mind. All things are mortal
	but the Jew; all other forces pass, but he remains. What is the
	secret of his immortality?

				  by Mark Twain


			What Is A Jew ?

	This question is not at all so odd as it seems. Let us see 
	what peculiar kind of creature the Jew is, which all the
	rulers and all the nations have together and separately
	abused and molested, oppressed and persecuted, trampled and
	butchered, burned and hanged, and, in spite of all this, is
	yet alive.... the Jew is the emblem of eternity. He whom
	neither slaughter nor torture of himself for years could
	destroy; he whom neither fire nor sword, nor inquisition was
	able to wipe from off the face of the earth; he who has been
	for so long a time the guardian of prophecy, and who has
	transmitted it to the rest of the world - such a nation
	cannot be destroyed. The Jew is everlasting as eternity
	itself.

			  	by Leo Tolstoy

You guys sure have something special.

Paul V

    re: .8, Paul
    
    >What is the secret of his immortality?
    
    The Abrahamic Covenant, which is still in force [for it is
    an everlasting Covenant].
    
    Isn't G-d great?
    
    Irena