Conference quokka::non_custodial_parents

    Your fears are true. Many inner city crimes are of children of
    fatherless families. And many young men look for father figures on the
    streets, in gangs, in bad company.... I can see a Jeckle/Hide in my
    daughter when she is with her mom. She will hang on her mom and do
    things with her mom that I would not allow her to do with me. So,
    perhaps with my daughter, there *might* be a chance....
    
    

    
    re .0

    You've just put your finger on a major problem with the country.  

    One of the TV shows (20-20, Dateline, I don't remember) had a show that
    showed Children from fatherless families are much more likely to end up
    using drugs or in trouble with the law.  The woman who  had done the
    study had started out to prove that the problem was _anything_ else but
    that, and had to admit in the end that the  statistics cut across all
    racial, ethnic, religious, geographic, and  financial grounds.  The
    number one telling statistic by far was no father in the home.  I do
    think that there is a bit of hope that the country  is finally waking
    up to the face that fathers are an important and  necessary part of the
    family.

    fred();

    	I've noticed an increasing lack of discipline also. So I've been
    forced to be the "bad guy" imposing rules and discipline when I have
    the kids. Consequently, they want to be with me less. Tough for them
    except the plead their case with their mother and make up stuff. I've
    had a number of talks with her about it, and she understands. However,
    it's obvious that they still get away with a lot more with mom than
    they do with dad. Not sure how much can be done about it. I'll exert my
    influence on every opportunity and try to shape them as best I can with
    the time I get to spend with them...and keep talking to their mother
    about it too...

    I'm don't think the problem is a much as no father in the home as it is
    no father period!

    The program also covered the 'Play' with dads, much more rough-house than
    mothers are willing to do.  One of my girls especially craved this and
    I never was really into it, though I tried.
    They said kids need this, it teachs them limits on aggression and
    satisfys their rough playing urges (or something like that). 
    
    Sharon

   In my broken family, I'm the one who makes the rules and provides the
   discipline.  Although my kids don't like it, they do like the comfort and
   security of knowing their boundaries.  My son came to live with me three
   years ago, and my daughter moved in with me last May.  There are no rules
   and no limits at their father's house.  Everything is always run in
   chaos mode.  That was appealing to the kids for a while, but now they're
   sick of it and they hate it.  Also, along with the consequences for
   misbehaving and breaking the rules, I give rewards for good behavior. 
   They get rewards at their father's house for demonstrating their
   "devotion" to him and now they're pretty cynical about that, too.

   It's pretty sad.

   								Terza

   I sure don't think of myself as a father!!!  Although they're deeply
   unhappy with their father, I could never replace him.  Yes, I'm married,
   and so my kids have a stepfather, but he can't replace their real father,
   no matter how much better he is.  Not that they don't prefer their
   stepfather, but he's not their father.  It's kind of hard to explain, but
   no matter how bad your parents are, they're still YOUR parents.


   							Terza

    
    Terza,

    I'm not trying to imply that mother's are not good disciplinarians.
    Just as there are men who do contribute a lot of "mothering" to their
    children.  In the majority of cases, just as there are men who don't 
    make good mothers, there are women who don't make good fathers.

    A lot has been said about the "Leave It To Beaver" family.  But
    if you remember, it was Ward whom the boys would not mess with.  
    Too many times women have tried to take on both jobs, or men
    were supposed to become betters "mommies" (I started to say mothers,
    but too many people think they already are :^) ), or one or the
    other try to abdicate their role, and a lot of times one parent
    does succeed in pulling it off.
    
    Under normal circumstance (and granted I don't know if many of us in
    this file came from "normal" situations) men and women _are_ different,
    and perform different roles in the family, and the total of the two is
    greater than the sum of the parts, but if you try to have two mommies,
    or one parent has to play both rolls then the total, I believe, is less 
    than the sum of the parts.  I think that we are just beginning  to
    re-discover the "father" role and how important it is.  
    
    fred();