| Tony, I hope for your sake that Brenda is a VERY understanding woman.
Just be very careful that Brenda doesn't feel that you are appeasing
your ex by keeping her away from the kids. Brenda might feel that it
is more important to you how you ex feels than how she feels! Maybe
I'm projecting, but I've been there both in bringing my new SO out to
meet my kids and also in being introduced to my SO's kids.
If you aren't appeasing your ex, why are you letting your kids
humiliate Brenda by allowing them to refuse to be with her? This is
your life, and their life now too! I'm sure that Brenda has many
wonderful attributes that your kids would benefit from being exposed
to. From what you've said about your ex, your kids could use an
additional female role model, not to mention, a different male-female
relationship model. How are they going to experience this if they don't
see you and Brenda together?
|
| re .0
>There always seems to be some ready excuse. My thoughts are that Peggy
>doesn't WANT the kids to understand and accept, because that will
>deminish her control over them, and reduce her ability to make them
>dislike me. Paranoid, eh?
Your story sounds familiar. You're probably even more right than you
think. If she is a part of DHR, she probably also realizes that any
such counselor could also be a potential expert witness against her
in a change of custody hearing.
>So, my thoughts now are: What course of action is there.
Short of hauling her into court for change of custody, etc, probably
not much.
> The kids will still be in school during school
> days. Should *I* make some arrangement for them while I am there and
> force the issue?
Unless she is willing and/or you are able to follow up, you will
probably just make things worse instead of better. Also unless
you have joint *legal* custody, she can cause you a lot of *&^%
for doing this.
>Or, is there some child advocate, the court, DHR, or whatever who can
>act on my behalf?
Just had a thought: Make an appointment to talk to their school
counselor. If the counselor agrees with you, they can probably do
something about getting the kids counseling throught the school. I
know that they are doing this for the kids my wife babysits for (in
Co of course).
re -1
>If you aren't appeasing your ex, why are you letting your kids
>humiliate Brenda by allowing them to refuse to be with her? This is
>your life, and their life now too! I'm sure that Brenda has many
>wonderful attributes that your kids would benefit from being exposed
>to. From what you've said about your ex, your kids could use an
On the other hand, sometimes you have to take what you can get.
Good luck Tony.
fred();
|
| re: .1 <<< Note 126.1 by KYOA::BOYNTON >>>
-< A view from the bilge >-
< Tony, I hope for your sake that Brenda is a VERY understanding woman.
yes, she is. much more than i ever knew. she's been there herself,
and really does understand the issues. in fact, she is more
insightfull than i am myself, and has a clearer view of what is going
on.
< Just be very careful that Brenda doesn't feel that you are appeasing
< your ex by keeping her away from the kids. Brenda might feel that it
< is more important to you how you ex feels than how she feels! Maybe
< I'm projecting, but I've been there both in bringing my new SO out to
< meet my kids and also in being introduced to my SO's kids.
AS always, there is a lot to this story that is untold... in fact,
Brenda was/is hurt by the actions of my family towards her, and i feel
that way too. however, in the past, my insistance on NOT 'hiding'
Brenda has always been met by a withdrawal or anger from the kids. We
both KNOW (and understand) that this feeling exhibited by the kids is
TOTALLY resultant from their mom's attitude, and is a defensive (really
a 'survival') mechanism they HAVE to employ just to get along with her.
I have proof of this in the observations and comments of the older kids
who are still there and tell me what is going on. For example: my
eldest son is married and living with his wife 250 miles away from the
ex. Yet, he has repeatedly told me of her probing him, really the
third degree, about what he and I discuss, and constantly accusing him
of "taking sid" with me. And therein lies the problem. She insists
that the kids are either on HER side or on MY side...and that they MUST
TAKE ONE SIDE OR THE OTHER. An untenable position for an adult, much
less a 12 year old. ANd the kids all know that Peggy (the ex)
repeatedly threatened Patrick (now 21) that he could not come home to
live there if he even attended my wedding. With that sort of hatred
constantly at large in the house, it's no wonder the little kids are
afraid to "like Brenda"...Peggy won't allow it!
< If you aren't appeasing your ex, why are you letting your kids
< humiliate Brenda by allowing them to refuse to be with her? This is
< your life, and their life now too!
I don't see it quite this way. I hope Brenda doesn't either...she says
that at least. In fact, brenda is so anxious for me to have a GOOD
visit with the kids that she was willing NOT to come with me, and if it
weren't for her eagerness to meet my eldest son and his wife, probably
would not have agreed to come. But, I assure you, I will certainly
have a lively discussion with the kids who are rejecting Brenda. But,
the fact remains, that after I leave, the kids will STILL have to live
with Peggy, and will STILL hve to defend themselves lest they be
perceived as having taken my side. I have no doubts that WHATEVER I
do; hide Brenda, force the kids to spend some time with her/us, or
whatever, that their mom will turn whatever happens into her advantage,
and the kids will suffer the loss. This does'nt seem to be a win
situation.
<I'm sure that Brenda has many
< wonderful attributes that your kids would benefit from being exposed
< to. From what you've said about your ex, your kids could use an
< additional female role model, not to mention, a different male-female
< relationship model. How are they going to experience this if they don't
< see you and Brenda together?
I appreciate this comment. And I can't help but agree with it. But,
it loses sight of the fact that I am not in control here. You have to
realize that this woman is vindictive, hateful, and even though she
knows NOTHING agout my wife, has totally turned against her... and that
it is THIS ATTITUDE that turns the kids against me/brenda.
I WISH there were some way I could get the kids away from this
atmosphere for even a shor week, yet I know of NO way to force Peggy to
let them come to visit me in my own territory. And as long as Peggy
doesn't want them to come, she will see to it they think they
themselves don't want to come. Catch 22.
The divorce decree says my ex and I share joint custody... yet, as the
NCP I know of NO WAY to even get a single visit from them.
thanks fery much for the comments...and the support.
tony
|
| This is really chokin' me up, Tony. I guess I've still got mega anger
over similar confrontations with my ex who, like Peggy, was a classic
bully! The only way I got her attention was to stand up to her, even
when she was ready to escalate an issue into orbit (the classic tactic
of bullies).
I fully appreciate your reluctance to antagonize her. No, you are not
in TOTAL control of the situation, but you MUST be in control of the
time you spend with your children! If necessary, a wall must come down
between their time with your ex and their time with you.
Concerning therapy alternatives, how 'bout you, your kids and Brenda
having a session together to get Peggy's vicious control efforts out on
the table?
Hang in there!
Carter
|
|
IMO, you, Brenda and the kids are in a real tough spot.
.0> therapy sessions
My son was mature 12 when I filed for the divorce and 14 when it
became final. It was a brutal divorce and neither his mother nor
I could convince him to see a therapist. The reason was because
she and I couldn't agree on who, and he felt that choosing
between suggestions, was choosing between parents. Six month's
after the divorce was final, he started seeing a city youth
counselor suggested by his school guidance counselor. (He was
very close to his school guidance counselor because she heads a
student organization that he participates in.)
.0> they 'don't want to see' her
There was a letter in Dear Abby a few days ago from a 19 year old
girl who's parents had been divorced for a few years. She hated
to visit her father or go places with him when his new wife or
his new step-children were present. She wanted to know "why
can't he just visit with me an my sister, the way it used to be?
Why does he have to bring them along?"
I didn't (and still don't) have an SO, but my son spent a long
time wishing things would be the way they used to be. I was out
of the house for over a year before he admitted to himself and
his school guidance counselor, that it was over and would never
be the same again.
I think it's a long hard journey for kids. As adults we see what
has to happen a lot sooner than they do, and an acrimonious
situation between the parents, only makes the journey harder.
Good luck to you, Brenda and the kids. Hang in there.
Richard
|