Conference quokka::non_custodial_parents

I may be wrong but I thought that custodial parents also read this 
conference.  Don't they?  In my mind, both parents are an ex-spouse
following a divorce.  And you get the same story when you work with,
socialize with, work-out with, or have any relationship with ONE party
from a divorce - you hear only their side of the story!  So just keep in
mind that there is another side, and remember that when forming opinions.

Also, I think I'd delete this conference if we let both ex's have at each
other in the conference!  Boy can you imagine?????????  No thanks!!!!!!
Especially if the new wife/husband could also join in!!!!!!!!  But again,
it is the same way socially, watch out (in most cases) when you invite
two ex's to the same party or function.  And get them in the courtroom
and you have ..... well forget it.

Mike, I have had at least one other person mention to me that this
conference seems biased, so you could be on to something.  I just don't
see it.

Kristen

    This is my first and probably only reply. The notes in here do seem
    biased. These people probably have good reason. It doesn't mean that
    the ex spouses are the evil, vindictive slimes that some are made put
    to be. It doesn't mean that they aren't either. We really have to take
    in the feelings of the NCP's. They have for the most part, been forced
    to take a reduction in salary, limited to the time period when they may
    see their children, had their children taken far away and thus made
    visiting difficult or next to impossible, had their children
    "brainwashed" against them, and numerous other tactics that cause them
    nothing but misery. Maybe some of these things were justified from the
    point of view of the CP. We just cannot say without having been there. 
    Even if we had both sidesof the story, we could only listen and try to
    make an objective decision. We just can't know who's right and who's
    wrong. Now a lot of the replies seem to comiserate with the base noters
    or else tell their own "horror" story and that is all well and good for
    catharsis sake. More importantly this forum may provide sources for
    assistance to some people who might really be getting a raw deal. I,
    for one, am all for that. Biased, yeah and I hope it stays that way. 
    I would welcome the imput of any CP who was on the other side of a
    similar situation even if the shouting could be heard around the world.
    Maybe some of the biases would reverse themselves in that case.
    
    Goddess, I ramble.
    
    Phil(who is an NCP, but doesn't seem to have half youse guys problems.)

    Since this conference is titled NON_CUSTODIAL_PARENTS, I
    expect it to be biased towards NCP's....the same way
    I expect biased/support/sympathy/bitchsessions in the
    SMOKERS conference. I would not expect totaly unbaised
    comments if I entered in the NON_SMOKERS conference, nor
    would I in a CUSTODIAL_PARENTS conference. 
    
    It's the nature of the beast, I guess.
    
    pat
    

    Yeah, this conference is biased, but so what?
    
    If 2 people look at the same object and are asked to describe it (say a
    lavishly decorated living room), they would give you 2 different
    impressions.  The only chance the 2 descriptions would be the same is
    if everyone understand the exact meaning and thoughts behind the words
    used.  Therein lies the problem.  The same word means different things
    to us, even at different times.  The best example that comes to mind is
    that for me the word divorce no longer has the intense sting it did a
    year ago. 
    
    OK.  Now what?  If you've read some of my replies I've admitted to
    being a real jerk at times during my marriage and in dealing with my
    ex.  But that's growth and it takes time to work through things. So I
    have to disagree with .0 a little, while I won't rake myself over the
    coals, I can admit (some) faults in this conference and hope others get
    something out of it.  There may come a time I need someone to
    reciprocate. 
    
    For me the most important thing is to be able to vent feelings in
    this conference and than to have them challenged (not attacked mind
    you).  That way I can get another point of view, integrate that
    (or ignore it) into my life and move on.
    
    Biased?  Yes.  It will have to be that way.
    
    
    			   John

    One thing I'd like to point out and this although my opinions may
    reflect negatively towards this conference, I'm not trying to be
    negative towards this conference as a whole, but only in one apparent
    aspect.
    
    I think this conference is *very* supportive, and full of very
    informative information, advice, etc. in all other aspects. 
    We ALL have something in common here, even though the atmosphere
    may not be as pleasant as say, the KITES_AND_KITE_FLYING conference
    :^) .
    
    So, all in all, I wasn't trying to 'downgrade' NON_CUSTODIAL_PARENTS,
    but instead, just expressing a few personal thoughts and opinions.
    
    Mike

    i agree, the file has a definite bias... but, that is the therapy in
    it.  if you attend "group" sessions of Alcohol Anon...there is a
    definite bias there, too.  We all share a common problem... issues and
    experiences that surface as the result of an all-too-common breakup of
    the family.  So, we share our thoughts, present ideas, comment, and
    discuss (sometimes bash, too) with feeling, emotion and zeal.
    
    personally, I find that very theraputic...
    
    tony

   I will agree that this notes file is biased to some degree but it 
   does serve a well meaning crowd.  As it is noted on the Conference
   Announcement, this is a Valuing Difference notes conference.

   It is not a closed notes file and as mentioned in the openings, all
   individuals are welcomed and in fact, encouraged.  When I first opened 
   this conference I was concerned that individuals, in particular *males*
   (not meaning to stereotype) would mostly dominate this conference
   but as can be seen from the introductions, base author's, etc. this
   is definitely not the case.

   The subject at hand is non-custodial parents rights/issues.  This could 
   be male/female/grandparents/aunts/uncles.  It could have called it
   Non-Custodial Guardian Issues but based on my experiences and several
   other thousands of men and women, it usually boils down to parental rights
   and down further to children's rights.

   What this conference does is allow an individual to express their
   frustrations they have or have had with the judicial systems in seeking
   equality.  Sure, the majority of cases show that the custodial parent
   gets "over" in the court systems but that is not the case in all of
   them.  Alot of times, the custodial parent gets stuck with having a 
   dead beat of an ex, having to go to court to ensure that they get what
   is entitled to them for support, etc., but then we have the non-custodial
   parent who does everything within their will power to see their children,
   ONLY to be hindered by the custodial parent and/or the judicial system.

   It is mentioned in numerous entries that eventually the children suffer
   the greatest anquish when it comes to these situations.  After all,
   to me, children are our greatest resources who have to deal with our 
   society after we are gone and this is only a small drop in the bucket
   that I would like to help with because their future problems are going
   to be worse than this.

   In regards to the statement that we are dumping on the ex's.  Yes, we
   may be dumping on them after having been DUMPED on ourselves.  After
   all, when a custodial parent usually requests something of the judicial
   system, they get it, but in return, when the non-custodial parent 
   requests something, we are considered "lower-class" parents.  The
   courts automatically assume that even though it took 2 people to conceive
   the children, only one is fit to be a parent.

   One last thing, if I had the time, I would also like to moderate a
   CUSTODIAL parents notes conference because of the things they have
   to deal being custodial parents but unfortunately I don't have the 
   resources nor the time.

   Thanks for your input and PLEASE continue contributing.


   Kenn

    re: .7  Kenn, well said.
    
    One of the reasons I started reading and replying to this conference
    is to "get the other side" of the issues that face divorced parents,
    since I am a custodial parent, biased or not.  This conference has
    helped everyone, in some fashion, to become more aware of situations
    and solutions and that alone is communication.  The more informed,
    the better to make an educated decision regarding my child.
    
    I may soon become a non-custodial parent and the things I read in
    this conference have and will continue to help me cope with the
    transition.  THANX TO ALL.
    
    Susan
    

    
    	I also tend to think that parents that split and can manage
    	to work things out without any conflect and always act in the
    	childs best interest wouldn't be interested in as many issue
    	as those who are having these types of troubles. I wouldn't
    	expect to see a high number of NCP making many negative comments
    	on unrealistic visitation if they had in their minds very fair
    	and librial visition. Would you? Makes sense to me, if things are
    	going great you don't bitch, you only start to bitch when you
    	think you are getting a raw deal. Add on top of that the emotional
    	charged impact of shattered families and it does tend to make for
    	some real deep seated imotions.
    
    	G_B