| T.R | Title | User | Personal
Name | Date | Lines |
|---|
| 26.1 | re: -1 | FSTVAX::BEAN | Attila the Hun was a LIBERAL! | Mon Mar 19 1990 08:46 | 3 |
| Boy! I wish my ex could/would be as understanding as you!
tony
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| 26.2 | downside | HOCUS::NORDELL | | Mon Mar 19 1990 09:22 | 31 |
| Well, here's the downside to this. My daughter (Jane) for whatever
reason (I think rebelling) cannot keep her room clean. I'm talking
old breadsticks on the floor, clothes everywhere, her sheets stained
with ink, old milk glasses on the desk. Now I am not a "neat freak"
but I do not live like this so it causes many arguments. I have
tried grounding, screaming, threatening, ignoring, rewarding, and
incentives - nothing works. Well, when Dad called on Saturday,
I told him the situation and said I didn't think she deserved anything
special when he came down on Sunday. I wouldn't keep him from her
but that I thought he should just stay at my place with her and
not take her out. My opinion, for what it was worth.
I got an invitation to go for a drive and to dinner - a second date
with a nice guy and left for the afternoon, early evening. I came
home to a clean room and new clothes on her bed - they were out
to dinner. Her Dad helped her clean the room, took her to the mall
and bought her a new outfit and took her swimming at the hotel,
to grandma's and out to dinner. Of course, he is gone today and
I am left with a child that is rewarded for poor behavior.
Before all of this I was considering giving him custody in Sept.
Now I am seriously considering this. She thinks life at Dads is
better but doesn't really want to leave her friends and school w/Mom.
How do I get the message across! Are you other dads guilty of this
too? I asked her this morning of Dad talked to her about her behavior
and she said "no". Of course, I'll ask him for sure but the damage
is done - she got her room cleaned, new clothes, activities, etc.
It's times like this that I think there might be some merit to being
a bitch! I'm having a bad day.
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| 26.3 | | CSC32::K_JACKSON | Better living through alchemy! | Mon Mar 19 1990 09:23 | 3 |
|
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Make that two of us !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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| 26.4 | Dad should have showed support for you | CSC32::K_JACKSON | Better living through alchemy! | Mon Mar 19 1990 09:36 | 27 |
|
RE: .2
I will say that I am guilty of spoiling my daughters, but I also have
set rules and when they are broken, we discuss the punishment and I
let them decide the punishment.
Unfortunately, I haven't had the luxury of having them live with me
only visit. When they come to visit, they pick up after themselves.
Mostly the oldest one does. She has been put into a "mother" state
by having to take care of her younger sister for last few years.
She is a very bright girl and has a good head on her shoulders. Maybe
she feels she is obligated to, I don't know. I just know that I'm
very proud of her.
Maybe dad/mom/daughter should sit down together and find out why she
doesn't want to clean her room at your house but is Ms. Clean at Dads?
Dad should have not assisted but insisted instead. He should have
laid the law down before he took her anywhere, not as punishment, but
to show her that you have his support!
Which ever, I hope you have a better day!
|
| 26.5 | Cooperate, but handle your own problems. | CSC32::HADDOCK | All Irk and No Pay | Mon Mar 19 1990 11:32 | 20 |
| re .2
> Well, when Dad called on Saturday,
> I told him the situation and said I didn't think she deserved anything
>special when he came down on Sunday. I wouldn't keep him from her
>but that I thought he should just stay at my place with her and
>not take her out. My opinion, for what it was worth.
Limitation/restriction of visitation should *never* be used as a
punishment. There are a lot of other ways to enforce your rules:
Confiscate items from the room, fine from allowance, grounded
from other activities/friends. I agree that you and your ex need
to set up a consistent set of rules and expectations, but handle
your own enforcement. Neither of you have the right to ask the
other to enforce your consequences just as neither of have the
right to undermine the other's rules and dicipline.
If you are having behavioral problems with your child, I would suggest
contacting your local ToughLove organization.
fred();
|
| 26.6 | perhaps too liberal | POCUS::NORDELL | | Mon Mar 19 1990 12:55 | 17 |
| First let me say that he has the same standards as far as orderlines
goes and she manages to keep her room clean in Canada. I was only
expressing to him what I thought should be done to get across the
idea that this behavior is unacceptable. If he had another method
of getting this across, great, let me hear it. I was and am open
to suggestions
His trip to NJ was very sudden and if I were the type to live by
the letter of the agreement he would not have gotten to see her
at all. I am a V E R Y liberal ex. He has free access to her at
all time, as it should be.
My point was that she knew Dad was a "push over". Yes, we need
to agree on methods of discipline but it seems that he has none
and I have too much. He tries to make up for all the time he is away
from her.
|
| 26.7 | keep priorities straight | CSC32::HADDOCK | All Irk and No Pay | Mon Mar 19 1990 15:22 | 11 |
| re -1
What I am saying is that this is how this *&^%$ buisness starts.
One parent withholds visitation to try to leverage their point
of view, then other withholds child support, and the whole mess
snowballs with the kid in the middle. Use whatever you need to
use, but you and your daugher's problems are between you and your
daughter (the same way that you and your ex's problems are
*only* between you and your ex).
One thing *neither* parent should *ever* be is a tool for punishment.
fred();
|
| 26.8 | | SLUGER::KERSCH | | Mon Mar 19 1990 21:44 | 14 |
|
Myself I see no problem with you asking for support in this
matter from him. But when it comes down to in effect asking him
to show her a "bad time" on one of his visits thats another ball-
game. Maybe you could have had him talk to her for you and see if
that helped. You have to understand that for us fathers who only
see our kids once in awhile the last thing we want to end up doing
is someone elses dirty work. If the problem with her was in the
time that he has her then it would be a different story. Then it
would be his job to take care of the problem. Just my opinions.
JK
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| 26.9 | | SIVA::MACDONALD | | Tue Apr 17 1990 09:05 | 18 |
|
I also agree that the problem is between you and your daughter.
My ex has tried to get me to be involved with the discipline of my son
for things that go on in her home between him and her. I have
steadfastly refused to do that. Even though I often agree with her, it
is hurting me and him and my relationship with him if when he shows up
at my place he starts to hear about the battles with his mother.
What I have done that I think is reasonable is to refuse to take his
side. He blows off steam, but I restrict my involvement to saying:
"It's quite clear that you and your mother are having a problem over
this and that is where it has be resolved: by you and your mother."
Any further comment is restricted to helping him understand how to
have a productive conversation with his mother. His mother seems
satisfied with this since it works both ways. If he and I have a
problem his mother tells him to take it up with me.
Steve
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