Conference quark::mennotes-v1

    My most recent SO was quite incapable of saying that, although I
    definitely felt that she did love me. Her actions and words often
    didn't match, though, which ended up being a real problem after a
    while. The verbal acknowlegement is important, at least for me.
    The words only reflect the feeling behind it to the degree that the
    feeling is there, and I wanted that match-up, and I never received it.
    
    -roger
    

<<So WHAT DOES IT FEEL LIKE when your partner says, "I love you"?

my partner is my wife.  We married young, (she was 19, I was 20. High School
sweethearts I guess you'd say) and now, after thirteen years of a great  
marriage, and two kidss later., I guess, different times, do different things..

Sometimes, it's a casual thing, just sitting with friends, we'll
be off to the side of a conversation, and usually, one of us will 
just quietly blurt it out. When it comes at me like this,, alomst like a 
secret thing, it's fun..  We have a good chuckle together.  People nearby
gives us a look, like we're sharing a private joke..  In a sense, I
guess we are..

Then there are times when it comes at a very intimate moment, and
it intensifies the mood.  Like times at a nice resturaunt, we're
both in great moods, it's a nice evening, she's looking terrific, 
I feel great,, and I'm thinking "what would I ever do with out her"  
and just like that, she whispers it... times like that have brought
a tear to me-eye - they have..

There's also times when hearing those three words are the last thing you'd
expect to hear, (like after an occasional argument) and it completely changes
my outlook on the situation, ending what ever conflict was previously
in the air.

Then there's the everyday, going to the daily routine where that's just a 
part of it all. 

Pretty strong words I'd contend.

    Ditto!

    
    
    I feel skeptical when I hear the words "I love you."  Especially when I
    hear them too much.
    
    what's stupid is that I LOVE to hear "I love you", I just don't like to
    hear it right after I say it myself.
    
    When I say "I love you" to someone, it means that I'm giving them
    something, not that I expect to hear something back....I want "I love
    you"s given to me freely...and without provocation...just as I give
    them to others.
    
    
    kath
    
    
    
    

        Well, this  is  a  toughy.    I've been through relationships
        where `I love  you'  was  said  to  me, only to hear it back.
        (Maybe due to an  insecurity  ?    I dunno'.  .  .) I've also
        been  through  relationships  where `I  love  you'  was  said
        rarely, but a gentle squeeze when holding  hands  meant  more
        than the words did.  (An indirect way  of  saying/hearing  `I
        love you'.) I've also been in one relationship (two years ago
        and  also  this  past summer, a `not-so-ex-ex' ?)  where  she
        NEVER  said  `I  love  you',  but the feelings/emotions where
        there.  That was evident in the way she held  me  through the
        night  and  made  me late for work in the morning and fussed,
        cooked and related to me in general.  
        
        Sometimes, the little  things  mean  more  than  the words is
        about all I can say to this question.  
        
        Matt

    Words are cheap - it's the actions to back 'em up that impress me.  My
    wife tells me she loves me often - not as a reflex to me saying it, but
    out of the blue.  *That* makes it special, and *that's* how I know it's
    sincere.
    
    Jerry

    Agree with all of the above.  But there are others in our lives who
    need to hear "I love you," especially when it's heartfelt.  
    
    I'm thinking particularly about my son, who at 16 wants to believe he's 
    too old for that mushy stuff from his mother, but still enjoys a hug 
    now and then.  To help him get through this adolescent stage while still 
    expressing the affection we hold for each other, we've adopted a pattern 
    introduced by the comic strip "For Better and For Worse."  Now, whenever 
    he wants to express his love for me, he leans against me and says, "Lean." 
    We know the depth of love being expressed, but avoid the more 
    demonstrative hugs and overt expressions.
    
    Karen

	I was brought up in a loving family that not only
	said the words, but showed them as well. 

	Each telephone conversation with my parents, brothers
	and my son is ended with the words "I love you". It's
	something we grew up with and it gives a warm and
	loving feeling each time they are said or heard.

	I've had friends overhear the ends of my conversations
	and asked if I always did this...because they said they
	would be embarrassed by having others overhear them.
	I have never been embarrassed to tell someone whom I
	care about how I feel.

	I was just talking with Mom on the phone the other
	night......and heard Dad in the background yell out
	to her..."tell my daughter that I love her". It makes
	for a wonderful life when you know you are surrounded
	by love.

	kits

    AS far as I feel about this....when truly IN LOVE , you do not need to
    say it to know it , but it is nice to hear it..though if said too often
    it tends to loose itself !

    I have heard on so many occasions that a women should never EVER...
    EVER be the first to say the "three little words" ... that its a 
    BIG mistake.  The man, they say, should be the first to say it... under
    the premise that if the woman says it she may scare the man off.  I
    have heard this from women only but never heard either way what a man
    thinks.  Any thoughts???
    

    It gives a very warm feeling to the one who gives it and also to the
    person who 'receives' it... it is a word very well used and also, very
    well abused... and thus looses its real meaning.
    A woman loves to hear it IF DEEPLY MEANT, and I am sure a man feels
    very confortable with it too, when genuine... we all crave tenderness
    annd understanding, but not deceit.  Some people are shy by nature, or
    not used to many signs of affection and would not feel too confortable
    with those words, if freely applied.
    I am very confortable with those words and other gestures of affection
    because I've been used to them since early chilhood, my family has
    always been very affectionate and... I love it! my kids love it too,
    when I hug them including the 16 yr old boy, (I almost have to jump to
    reach his neck, but he does get kissed and huged).  We all hear I LOVE
    YOU and we know it is TRUTH.
    

   What does it feel like?   Well, I don't ever hear it in so many words.
   In our younger days I did.   I've been married 27 years.   Now, the 
   affection is bestowed in indirect, subtle, perhaps subliminal ways.
   Does that mean the relationship is dead?   Hardly.   It suffers strain,
   yes, and it has its blind, or perhaps even blank, spots.  As the years 
   pass, one accomodates.  One develops a certain mode, a certain easy 
   affection that has its parameters, its boundaries, its sphere.  

   I could go on here, but maybe for my own good I stop at this point. :-)

   Mardy

    re.12
    Being the first always has a risk of scareing off the other person it
    matters not whether they are man or woman. Fear of commitment seems to
    be the common reason given.
    
    -j

    
    I just had someone fairly new in my life say that to me for
    the first time recently....
    
    I went sort of numb. Couldn't think what to say next. Excited. Tingly.
    Thrilled. Valued. Touched. A sort of "Oh WOW!" feeling.... 
    
    And he said it over the terminal as well - if it had been face-to-face
    I'd probably have frozen in mid-track....:-}
    'gail

    .14
    no , it doesn't mean it's dead , it means you know each other and don't
    fell you need to be dramatic for the other one to know !
    
    Tracie.

    THESE WORDS SCARE ME!!!!  In my last relationship my girlfriend used to 
    tell me that she loved me whenever we made love.  My gut reaction was to 
    say "I love you too" but I don't think I really did.  Don't get me
    wrong, I did love her but I wasn't IN love with her.  Since I knew this
    in my own mind, I had to end it before it got even more serious.  I
    owed her at least that much.  I didn't want to use her.  Sometimes
    those three words will wake you up to the fact that you're really not
    being fair to you're partner if you let her believe that you DO love
    her.  If she would've asked me if I was IN love with her, I would've
    told her no.    
    
    In some other situations when I WAS in love, being told that I was
    loved made me feel as though I was an important part of someone's life.
    It's a nice feeling when it's genuine. 
    

>    I have heard on so many occasions that a women should never EVER...
>    EVER be the first to say the "three little words" ... that its a 
>    BIG mistake.  The man, they say, should be the first to say it... under
>    the premise that if the woman says it she may scare the man off.  I
>    have heard this from women only but never heard either way what a man
>    thinks.  Any thoughts???

From my experience, this is even true (generally, not always) with gay 
men.  And, in doing the math, you can see that it sometimes takes 
quite a long time for us to say "I love you" to each other.  There 
are two men to worry about scaring away.


								--Ger    

    In my previous existance (married to my ex)... I *NEVER* heard the
    words.  In fact, quite the opposite.
    
    My present wife (of eighteen months) says it often.  And I love hearing
    her say it.
    
    I believe that if you KNOW your partner loves you, the words are
    meaningful, and that meaning varies with circumstances.
    
    But, if all you hear are the words "I love you", without supporting
    evidence of the fact, the words become shallow, and mean nothing.
    
    tony

    i have been in two relationships where i would have liked to have
    heard the words, and did not.
    
    i have also been in relationships where i did hear the words, and
    they made me very uncomfortable because i didn't feel that the
    other person was looking very deeply at all, i felt that we had
    a lot of differences that i couldn't gloss over.