Conference quark::mennotes-v1

    My SO was never married to either woman, however he has been married
    previously.
    
    Nita

    Not to be flippant, or oversimplify the situation, but first ask
    yourself....What am *I* getting from this relationship?
    
    After you answer the question, talk to your SO about what happens next. 
    What do each of you want out of a relationship?  Are you finding it
    within this relationship?
    
    
    Judi
    

(I changed the title of the base note to be more descriptive - Steve)

I think you need to ask these questions of your SO, first.  You should not have
to shoulder all the parenting responsibilities, and he should make sure that 
there is time for you two together.

Being a parent is a lot of work, and if you expect to stay with your SO, it
is reasonable that you will take on some of the parenting duties.  But
clearly you feel that you are being taken advantage of, and I suggest you
sit down with your SO and have a long talk.

				Steve

    Thanks Steve for changing the title.
    I have tried to discuss it.  Maybe it was in the way I siad it but he
    became angry and said if I didn't want to be with him just say so.  I
    said something to the effect of him always putting his responsibilities
    on other people.
    
    

    Did I mention that my SO is 26yrs and I am 24yrs.
    
    I don't mind helping out if there was more control and the part of my
    SO and more organization especially in dealing with the mother that is
    here.  I should not shoulder all the responsibility.
    
    My SO is very strong willed and self centred.  He has a tendancy to see
    things only his way; his opinion; and what benefits him.
    
    Nita

    
    Some thoughts.....
    
    SO is a deputy sheriff.  
    SO is strong willed and self centred. 
    SO has a tendancy to see things only his way, his opinion, and what
       benefits him.
       
    Results of discussion read this way.
    
       "Maybe it was in the way you said it to him that made him become 
       angry and said if you did'nt want to be with him just say so."
    
    Just thoughts....
    
    
      

    �um, maybe by telling her that it was the way *she* said it, you
    are blaming the victim..
    
    wilsonj (nita) I think you should seriously ask yourself what
    you are getting out of this relationship and why you have agreed
    to be nursemaid, housekeeper, and chauffeur etc. for a man who
    has apparently had three relationships with women which have failed
    and who apparently doesn't want to nuture you.
    
    Just a thought
    
    If you'd like someone to talk to by mail, I'd be more than glad
    to write to you.
    
    Bonnie

    Why do you want to be involved with a self centered person who has been
    married before and who have fathered two children with different
    mothers and married either, got involved with you and expect you to be
    his maid? HE should be responsible of HIS children, and be responsible
    to them and to you if he LOVES you, but I see an enourmous
    responsibility FOR YOU when the responsibility IS his.... think about
    in what you might get into...
    You could become the THIRD woman to have a child from him without even
    being married to him.  Who would be responsible for the child anyway,
    HIM, or you?
    I don't know, but my own opinion is that... it is a mcuh too tangled
    situation for you to get ANYTHING worth out of it except cleaning up
    after him and his family...

    
    Let me ask a hypothetical question here.
    
    If the situation were the other way around,  if they were *your* kids
    from a previous marriage, would you expect him help support them and
    pay the bills?
    
    The guy is working nights in a very dangerous job to help uphold his
    end of things and still trys to maintain a relationship/envolvement
    in his childrens lives.  Would you want him to just dump his kids?
    I hear a *lot* of screaming and complaining about men who *have*
    done just that.
    
    You knew what you were getting in to when you married him.  However,
    a little honest discussion with him may help smooth things out.
    
    fred();

    fred
    
    she's not married to him
    
    BJ

    .9
    
    We are not married...engaged.  Have been dating for a little over a
    year.  If it were the other way around I would not expect him to take
    over responsibilty of my children.  It was his choice to bring his son
    here and to change positions so that his hours are what they are now. 
    I attempted to point these things out to him but at times he can se no
    farther than the nose on the front of his face.
    
    Nita

    re .9
    
    If you are not married, then you must take all this into consideration
    if you should get married.  If the situation is not is not accaptable
    to you and you cannot change the situation or break off the
    relationship.
    
    I think expecting *you* to do *all* the care of the children is unfair
    to you.  However, I also think that if you are going to remain in
    a relationship with him that it is not unreasonable that you *help*.
    I think it is *blatently* selfish to expect him to dump his children
    in favor of you.
    
    fred();

    re: .12
    
    Fred, I don't believe that she's being selfish, or that she wants him
    to get rid of his children.  I think her concerns are a little
    misguided because, as other people have pointed out, there are many other
    questions about the relationship that need to be addressed first.
    
    Children aside for the moment, let's explore the relationship between
    these two individuals.  Obviously, the children are important, but you
    don't marry someone for their children.  A loving, caring bond must
    exist between the marrying couple for the marriage to work.
    
    I don't know the entire story but just from the few notes entered, it
    seems like he is looking for someone to take care of his children.  I
    hope I'm wrong and there is more to this relationship.
    
       - Larry

    
    You are only 24 yrs old, you have only been dating over a year.
    
    You should try to live your own life while still having your SO
    a big part of it.  
    
    For the last ten years he has been able to get by without someone 
    there all the time.  Let him start to take more of the responsability
    again.
    
    

    He has not had any responsibility.  His son only came to live with him
    4 months ago.  His daughter is a year old and he has only been keeping
    her as he does for 4 maybe 5 months.

    
    regarding my ramblings in a earlier note.  I think that the male in 
    this "relationship" is in need of professional help.  He appears to
    be "in writing anyhow" self centered, narrow minded, unable to see 
    past his nose, etc. etc. etc...
    This guy is a cop?  I would not want to be pulled over by this 
    person if he has had a bad day/nite at home.  
    

    Ask yourself why you are hanging onto this relationship as tightly as
    you seem to be?  Is it because you know the mother of his daughter
    wants him back?  Are you OK on your own?  You are 24 and he is 26 -
    lot's of experiences for such a short time.  
    
    Susan
    

    For Notes of same subject see the following notesfiles.
    
    DLOACT::BLENDED_FAMILIES
    CSC32::NON_CUSTODIAL_PARENTS
    
    You will gain the experience of other
    
    Hope this helps!!!
    

    
    If an SO expects his/her other half to begin parenting in such an
    extent, than there is something wrong....this is something that has
    to be done slowly.
    
    I am currently going through a divorce and have been seeing someone
    fairly steady for the last month or so.  He has a daughter and I have
    2 children.  We are taking our time together before getting the
    children involved.  In my own belief, I don't feel its the duty of the
    SO to have any responsibility over the children, unless each party
    agrees to it.  Placing the duty of parenting on one who doesn't have
    children and has never had to take the responsibility of children on
    an everyday basis is the wrong thing to do.....its frustrating to the
    taking care of the children and its confusing to the children.  If the
    child(dren) become dependent on that person and the relationship
    between the two adults does not work out - there's gonna be some
    problems for the children to deal with.  If and when my SO and I decide
    to get more serious in the future, I still will not expect any more from 
    him as far as my children go than to have a good time with them.....my 
    children are mine and my almost ex's responsibility.
    
    Until a commitment such as marriage is taken - the responsibility of 
    the parent should be with the parent.
    
    In this case Nita, I feel your SO chose his place of employment and 
    shouldn't make his kids or you make up for his lost time.  If he can't
    be understanding to your needs as well and give you praise for at least
    helping him out with his children, then I'd start looking for another
    SO.
    
    Just my thoughts,
    
    -Lynn
                                                        

    How do you start looking for SO's?   by advertising?
    
    It seems that in that market lots of people returned with rotten
    apples... quality control should be emphasized to eliminate a few
    problems                                                         

    I would advise you to visualize your future after marriage with this SO.
    
    1) There isn't any quality time spent alone togather at this time.
    
    2) You are more of a nanny than a fiance' now.
    
    3) You are presently not married nor living togather and you are making
       excuses to get some breathing room for yourself.
    
    4) Try to express yourself and he gets upset.
    
    5) Has shown no concern for your feelings or the relationship by the
       option given to you after expressing yourself.
    
    That's 5 out of 5 (reasons not to get married)
    
    You make your own decision for you future lies in your hands.
    
    David

Re: .22 

>    I would advise you to visualize your future after marriage with this SO.

Good advise.  Is this the way that you want to spend the rest of your life? 
It appears to be a good plan for him.

Nita, you're young and have many years ahead of you in which to raise a family
of your own.  Having a spouse with one ex, and two mothers of two children can
make for a very very complicated life, even if all goes well.  Your S.O. doesn't
have a very good track record; what are the chances of his improving?  How
would you advise yourself if you were on the outside looking in?

I was in a similar relationship (wife with two kids from different marriages) 
and was absolutely sure that she didn't have any serious problems.  Wow, was
I wrong!  Think very carefully before making it legal.

    Hi.
    
    Let me tell you alittle about my situation for comparasin.....
    
    I am presently separated, and have two children 9 and 2 years old.
    I have been married for approx 10 years, and the plans for divorce
    are going forward...{notice I didn't say smoothly}.
    
    Anyways I have met a woman  who I have chosen to have a relationship
    with, and she has a 3 year old son from a previous marriage.  I
    am 30 and she is 25.  We have discussed many things, as well as
    my feelings of how her son fits into our relationship. 
    
    I feel that Kyle is her blood and should be her first priority.
    She feels the same, and to tell you the truth I would question our
    relationship if it were any different.  I have strong feelings for
    this woman, and have a good time with her son. {i almost typed
    our son 8*0), which says alot there......anyways, as the type of
    persons we are, we are being very open about any issues that we
    have......Where I stand today is that I am this childs father figure,
    and I fully accept that fact that he will learn from me, and hopefully
    by his observations of us together, and our nurturing, {not molding},
    our relationship will continue to grow, {all three of us}, and with
    honesty and concern, i cannot see any issues that cannot be dealt
    with, even if it hurts.
    
    Keep in mind that my children do come first to me also, but Tracie
    accepts and expects that also.  We all have dreams and fantasies,
    but it is important to keep them in perspective.  Yes there are
    open books in both our lives, but hopefully as we each work on ours,
    we can support each other and meet somewhere in the middle.  Hey
    thats life, and if you fantasize about spending your life with this
    man, you must discuss all of your feelings, both good and bad.
    
    Bruce