Conference quark::mennotes-v1

    The premise of the book sounds like the way I try to live my life (with
    some days more fear-producing than others).  It sounds great; I have to
    pick up this book.  I sometimes grow weary of friends who preface their
    plans with "I'm gonna-I wannna-I should'a-I wish ..." and never do a
    damn thing.  Perhaps this book with inspire some confidence.
    
    Allbest,
    Larry

    If you ask me, a healthy amount of fear is quite positive, for it tends
    to be a good mechanism to avoid hasty and lunatic actions. So it's a
    good protoection against ourselves sometimes.
    I'd never want to lose that healthy amount of fear...as long as - and
    this is very important - it doesn't block my desire to act. There
    wouldn't be too much to be proud of in life if every decision we make
    would be an easy one, the fulfilment lies in saying "boy, was I scared,
    but I had faith in myself and tried...". Even if you fall, well, life
    always gives you a second chance, so we should better use up some of
    them to get to know ourselves a little better, even if it's only to
    to be able to tell some good stories to our children by a fireplace 
    somewhen in the future.
    In Spain they say "..keep pace with life, but don't let life pace
    you...", and this sounds wise to me. You need to be confident enough to
    see when you have to act, and put up the energy to make the change
    then. 
    By the way, that's one of the things Kierkegaard was right about, he
    said that people just let their lifes pass by looking at each other and 
    trying to be as normal as possible, and never doing a damn thing.
    And that's a waste...
    ...Paul

    
    Re -1
    
    Well, the book does say that you will *never* stop feeling the fear
    when you decided to do something new. Never.
    The point is to not let it inhibit action - "Feel the Fear and DO IT
    ANYWAY!".
    
    So......to try and relate this idea to the "Goodbye" topic.....
    If you want to end a relationship, and don't....
    What is it you're fearing?
    
    Or - what is it that you fear you can't handle about ending it?
    
    'gail
    

An interesting topic which I think might also be appreciated in W_N.

Personally my fear of regretting not having done something which I was
afraid to do in the first place overrides the initial fear ... if you
see what I mean.

By overcoming fears and facing the challenge you gain much more out of
life and have a jolly good wheez to boot.

At the risk of generalising, my observation is that women tend to be
more afraid of sticking their necks out than men (social conditioning), and
in some ways have made the beds that they now complain to lie on.

Wendy

    F.E.A.R = False Emotions Appearing Real
    
    or
    
              F**K Everything And Run !
    
    Your choice...

    Oh yes, fear is a huge factor (which means a big barrier) when it comes
    to ending a long year relationship. All the types of fear converge in
    this one: you are afraid of making the wrong decision, you are afraid
    of the future, you are afraid of other people's reactions...and so much
    more.
    You fear for yourself, for you know you're about to leave a stable and
    comforting (albeit unsatisfactory) situation behind you. You know
    you'll have to lose some dear, good habits. You know you won't be
    "safe" anymore. And you don't know if you'll ever find "somone" again,
    for you are jumping into the troubled waters of bachellor's life again.
    Basically, your future suddenly has so many question marks as opposed
    to the ordered life (even if troubled...) you lead one year ago...that
    is makes you afraid of what fate has in hand for you.
    But you fear how the other person is going to take it, for you really
    don't want to be responsible for destroying someone else's life. You
    are afraid of losing the respect of a person you like. You are very
    afraid of messing up someone else's life. 
    For in your own case, you can say you'll be able to overcome the
    situation, even if you don't know when it will stop to hurt. But...you
    can never tell how the other is going to react. What if the wound never
    heals, if you find yourself responsible for the personal tragedy of
    another person, and a dear person on top...how can you take this?
    That's what you are most afraid of...you know you can't suffer someone
    else's pain and cry someone else's tears, and you feel like betraying
    someone's trust most terribly.
    I couldn't cope with destroying someone else's life. That's what I am
    immensely afraid of.
    ...Paul

    Remember there are TWO kinds of fear (IMHO). One is physical fear; I
    will fall off the ladder, claustrofobia (spelled wrong for sure), etc.
    
    The other is emotional fear; he/she will not like me, I can't let go of
    my wife/husband/child/mother/father/etc emotionally.
    
    Some may combine both; childbirth (FWO) the fear of physical pain and
    the emotional fear of a defect or death of a child.
    
    You never know how strong you are until you are tested. 
    
    Steve

    Recently I climbed an essentially enclosed tower made of concrete.  It
    had head high windows but the ground was not visible except by leaning
    out a window.  When I was in the middle of the tower as we climbed
    higher level by level I became increasingly terrified of falling.
    Actually it was of the tower falling with us in it. I suppose that
    is acrophobia, there was no reason to believe the tower would fall.
    When at the enclosed top I sat in the center on the floor and did
    not want to look out the windows.  But the fear was just controllable
    I wanted to run back to the ground floor but did not let myself.
    After about an hour I became more comfortable, actually could bring
    myself to look out the windows. 
    
    I thought of the Outward Bound course where they encourage you to 
    rapple down cliffs.  I though NO WAY! If I was expected to rappel
    down this tower you would have to hold a gun to my head to get me to
    do it... and I might not do it THEN preferring the gun!
    
    Talk about fear....I was just short of panic... and was supprised at
    the irrationally of it courage figting it was almost a moot point.
    If it had been actually a crumbling tower I suppose it would have
    taken quantities of courage I may not have had to go up in it.
    
    

    Re reading the base note raises a question. The premis is that one can
    handle everything there no fear in life is necessary. But that is not
    reallity. One cannot handle everything.  What about those things, is
    fear then appropriate?  How do you know the difference between what you
    can handle vs. can't.  Some of the testing might be life threatening.

    
    Re -1
    
    I was wondering when someone was going to say that!
    
    What events would you classify as ones that you *cannot* handle?
    
    'gail
    
    

    What events couldn't I handle:
    
    Nuclear War
    
    Being held at gunpoint  
    
    My house burning down
    
    A serious injury
    
    My wife or son's life being threatened
    
    Lose my job
    
    Note: These are things I don't think I would be able to handle without
          experiencing fear.
    
    Of course there are many more but these are obvious ones.
    
    This also depends on what you mean by 'handle'.  I define handle as
    events I can control or maintain solid control over my emotions.
    
    Jeff

    
    I think I'm going to have to bring the book in and put in some verbatim
    quote here.....
    
As I remember, the basic premise related to this stuff was....
    
     You will never stop feeling fear. It is not an inappropriate feeling
    - it's often there for good reason, and it won't go away. However, you
    can choose not to use the feeling of fear as an excuse for not taking
    action i.e. "Feel the Fear, and Do It Anyway".
    
    Now, obviously, if you're feeling fear of something utterly rational
    (like a high-speed car coming towards you) you gool ol' "fight or
    flight" mechanism is going to make sure you move. But if you're
    planning to take action to change your life nearer to your ideal and
    encounter fear in doing so, you have the option to push through it.
    
    Re "handling"
    
    I took this to mean knowing that you will emotionally survive, and possibly
    even grow, through the experience. 
    Of course there are lots of hideous situations that we'd rather not have 
    to handle, but if your back is against the wall, you can do it. We have 
    all heard stories of people who find incredible strength (physical or
    otherwise)  within themselves in a crisis..... 
    
    For example...your house burning down.
    I also do not relish the idea of that happening (to put it mildly :-},
    and I sincerely hope I'll never have to deal with it.
    
    But if it happens, I'll cope with it. I know that I'll do whatever I
    have to do and that it won't actually kill me (and if it did, we're
    talking about fear of dying, which is something else again). 
    Deep down you know that life will go on after you get a new house - even 
    go on pretty much as before. You will  adapt to the situation.
    
    It is not worth the pain of living in fear of your house burning down.
    It is not worth never buying a house because it could burn down one
    day.
    
    (not that you're doing that - but lots of people seem to live in fear
    of all sorts of possibilities - I was amazed!)
    
    Do you think that sounds realistic?
    Or does this sound like a Polly-Anna attitude?
    
    'gail
    
    

    Gail, it makes sense and explains it fully for me.  Thank you,
    
    Jeff

    The amazing thing with fear is how relative it is to the situation
    you're in.
    For example, I can recall that in the wake of important exams, I thought
    "hell, NOTHING is as important as getting your degree.."...but, once
    you leave the situation behind, you forget about how important those
    things were to you and how afraid you were.
    It seems we absolutely *need* things to be afraid of, and when we don't
    have any, we look for some, no matter how unimportant and ridiculous
    they seem to be, we escalate them until they seem incredibly important.
    If you are on an emotional high, and everything goes the right way,
    something as stupid as some little trouble with your car or having to
    make your taxes seems very important. You think you could *never* cope
    with the loss of the person you love, your house or whatever.
    But when tragedy strikes...hell, you *are* there and get it going
    somehow, even though thousand things may hit you at the same time.
    The human mind never stops to amaze me, sometimes it seems so
    vulnerable and ready to break, but when put to the test it develops an
    incredible strength to overcome whatever it is. 
    Realize that and you won't be that *afraid* to change things in your
    life.
    ...Paul