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RE .0
Yes, I know what you mean, I have observed the same. Don't under-
stand either why men should not show emotions. I know I do and I
can't say I feel any the lesser than the Rambo's of this world.
Actually, my experience is that the reactions are quite good from
both women and men when I show that I am glad, sad, happy or con-
fused or whatever. The best part of it for myself is that by sho-
wing how I feel, I seem to be able to handle the emotions much
better.
So, hey you guys, try it ! You might it refreshing not to keep it
all to yourselves !
IMHO, it works .....
Marcel
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For me, doing this is soooo haaard, and it isn't (in my opinion) a
matter of just "trying it" once and having the problem go away. I
think I spoke in this file about the male intimacy workshops that I
attended. ("Intimacy" defined as "opening up and being completely
yourself around other people.") They were eye opening.
The facilitator asked a man to stand at the front of the room, hold
his hand, look him in the eye, talk a little bit, look at the other
men in the room, and say "hi" in a silly voice. It doesn't sound
very hard on the surface. But you should have seen this guy shake,
hunch his shoulders (his body looked like it was folding up on
itself), and avoid eye contact with frenzied glances around the room.
It wasn't just hard for the person up front (though he did break down
and cry at one point), it was hard for those of us who were watching,
too.
I'm not sure what the point of this is (I'm in ramble mode today), but
I think I want to put out that, for many men, it isn't a matter of
"just trying it." It's more a matter of "working on it." One step at
a time, trying to break down the barriers that keep us alienated from
each other.
I remember something that happened in my Core Group (a Valuing
Differences monthly workgroup). This person was describing a very
emotional story about her parents. I had this urge to reach out and
to take her hand, as a way of showing my support without interrupting
her story. However, before I could reach out, this really strong
inner force stopped me; something inside me was telling me that this
"should not be done." After the tension built too high inside of me, I
took the chance to reach for her hand. It was sooooo scaaarrrry.
After I did it, I wasn't sure if I was supporting her or she was
supporting me. I felt as if everyone in the group were staring at me
and as if I were sitting there naked in the room, or some such.
On the surface, it sounds so easy. "Take someone's hand when she or
he is in need." But when it comes down to doing it for me, it's so
hard.
Maybe for me it's "try it...try it again...okay, try it again..."
--Gerry
PS As for holding a lover's hand in public, I don't usually have a
problem with that, although, being gay, I can only do that when I'm
certain I won't get beaten or killed for doing it. Dark theaters or
drives in the car are usually safe for that kind of hand holding.
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My body language is a little different from most
people (especially men). I display some emotions
openly, but I do it subtly.
A wry smile on my face might well mean I am furious
and contemplating vengeance. Only my eyes tell the
story. When I'm furious my eyelids twitch and my pupils
dilate.
When I'm feeling amorous my nostrils flare out once
or twice. (If you don't look at just the right moment,
you'll never know it.)
Melancholy (and old familiar friend of mine) is dislayed
by a complete lack of expression on my face. My eyes are
locked on some invisible distant target, and my jaw is
usually clamped shut.
When I'm nervous I grind my teeth.
When I'm hungry I furrow my brow.
So you see, while most people would claim that I don't
show my emotions, the truth is that they just aren't looking
close enough.
- Greg
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