Conference quark::mennotes-v1

    
    
    Plain and simple.  Anyone [male/female] who can say that and act
    upon it by walking away from the relationship is a person not willing
    to take a risk the relationship will work or fail.  In my opinion
    the person is saying....  "I am afraid of being involved in a
    relationship and being committed".  Some people find easy ways to
    cop out of relationships by telling the other person something that
    can;t change.  "You are too young/old for me".  You have kids and
    I want to be with someone who does'nt". "You've been married before".
    "Your not of the same faith".  Etc.  And in this case... "Your too
    good for me".  Bullsh_t.
    
    Its sort of saying this has been fun but now that its getting down
    to committment let me tell you that I can't be involved with you.
    Or worse... Not telling you at all, anything, just letting you wonder.
    And just walking away.
    
    The Human_Relations Notes file has an interesting topic on people
    who are Too Good.  You may want to read it.
    
    But for this note... I don't think you are alone.  And its not just
    men who say/do that.  
    
    My other advise.  Look to yourself and type of men you are attracted
    to.  Is this a pattern?  Getting involved with men who are unavailable
    for a committed relationship?
    
    Bill

    Reminder  [This note is not about the author, it's about men who have said,
    "I'm afraid of you" to someone and reasons they might say/feel that
    way...I am by no means referring to or seeking advice for my own
    situation, just trying to understand the 'fear']
    
    Re: .1  Your theory is a plausible one, but somehow, I don't think
    it's 'plain and simple'.  It would also be great to hear from a
    man who HAS had the experience happen to them, and might be able to
    share what they were thinking about or going through.
        
    I agree that women probably do this too, but I specifically posted
    the note in mennotes in the hopes that some men might be able to
    speak to the behaviour from a man's perspective.
    
    -Val
    

    When I read the base note, the first thing that popped into my head
    was that the man in this situation suffers from a lack of self-esteem.
    He doesn't think he is deserving of a wonderful companion. Now,
    there may also be an issue of commitment, but I think that there
    *really* is fear that this (hypothetical) man is feeling.
    
    Fear that she will all of a sudden discover that he is awful and
    leave. The feeling of "If she loves me, she *can't* really know
    me." "How can someone so wonderful love me?"
    
    Now those feelings of inadequacy can strike anyone. (I know.) So
    maybe he's not ready for this type of relationship, but I have learned
    that taking a breath and plunging into those unknown depths of a
    relationship can be a wonderful way to build up your confidence
    and self-esteem. Sometimes, you have to risk failure. You may get
    surprised by not failing and then the rewards are great.
    
    Tamzen                            

    
    	It's all explained in the book...
    
    
    		Men who can't Love
                ------------------
    
    

    
    re;1
    
    		i agree its a cop out.......
    
    
    
    		plus, if someone was to tell me that, first they
    dont know what they want, and second later down the road i 
    would question the security of the relationship...... on their part.
    
    			wendy o'
    

    What ideas did the author have?...
    
    
    

    I can easily see a situation like that described in .0 happening
    to a man who had a previous relationship that he thought was
    "just perfect" and had it end disastrously and cruelly.  He might
    be afraid that if he is "too happy" again, then he will be hurt
    again.  So instead he prevents the possible pain by ending the
    relationship first.
    
    If you are the woman in this situation (which can equally apply
    in reverse), patience and slowing-down may be the answer.
    
    				Steve

The book, If I'm so Wonderful Why am I Single, explains why individuals
    use such excuses.  I believe the author is Susan Page.

    re: -1
    
    
    
    Hi Mark...since *when* did *you* start reading this file?
    
    
    for you out-of-town noters...Mark sits over the wall from me :*)
    

         Mark's been read-only for some time, now.  He just finally
    decided to get his hands dirty.
    
                                Greg

   Re .11
    
    My thoughts, almost word for word.

    I'd like to share a similar experience with you that is sort of
    like .0.
    
    In March I met this wonderful person on a blind date (arggg, it's
    not that bad...).  He is a very handsome person and has a super
    personality.  We hit it off from the start.  For the first two months
    we saw each other or communicated almost every day.  It was quite
    evident that we enjoyed each other's company (and still do but....).
    Then something inside must have clicked for him because he started
    acting weird (ie., mixed messages being sent).  He would always
    say I was too good for him or this is too good to be true.
    
    Well, that kinda hurt but I let it slide by.  In kidding around,
    I would always say something like "Hi Handsome" or something to
    that fact.  He kept shaking his head saying "You're too much". 
    I didn't pay him those compliments because I didn't mean them. 
    I really do.
    
    Well, we are still seeing each other, down from every day to
    approximately 1 hour a week.  He is going through some rough times
    (ie., he's been divorced for two years, has a daughter).  I don't
    know if it has anything to do with his being afraid of being betrayed
    again but then again, haven't we all been?  Where would we be if
    we didn't take chances?
    
    I agree totally with .11.  I have since kept my feelings to myself
    and try not to call very often (hoping he'll get the message and
    want to call me).  I have a lot of patience but I am also sad about
    the relationship.  Things were going so good.  Maybe its time that
    I just let go and let him work his other problems out.  It's hard
    to take such a step, but remaining miserable is just as bad.
    
    
    --Carole--
    

    
    
    RE: HI CAROLE!!
    
    MY ADVICE.. (WHICH CAME FROM AN OLD BOYFRIEND) MOVE FORWARD,
    YEA IT HURTZ SOMETIMES.. but you know what, i met someone else,
    who has so much going for him...good looking,talented, exciting, and
    just plain fun to spend time with...  
    
    
    	p.s. we'll have to do lunch again soon..
    
    			wendy o'