Conference quark::mennotes-v1

If I am comfortable with my SO, then there is no real change in the level of
involvement  I have with my male friends.  But, when I am uncomfortable with
the  relationship,  I  usually  look  to  my  male  friends.  Not only for a
sympathetic  ear,  but  for general companionship.  I guess that what I look
for  is a woman who I can make part of my life, not one who is going to take
over,  nor  one  who  thinks that she is going to replace/displace any of my
male friends.

Chuck

    An SO wouldn't become an SO if she wasn't prepared to accept that I have
    friends, both male and female, who are important to me.  An SO is, by
    definition, 'special' and therefore 'above' my friends as regards my
    inner feelings, but that doesn't mean the feelings for the friends goes
    away.

    An SO is 'as well as' not 'instead of' my other friends.

    Naturally the same applies in reverse; I would never tell her which
    friends she could or could not see or how deeply she was allowed to
    feel for them, even male friends.

    It all comes down to trust, without which an SO isn't an SO.

    re.2 "an SO is "as well as"...
    
    very well put!
    
                cj
    

    I moved out of my parents house to an apartment an hour away about
    6 months ago. I met my boyfriend at about that time. My parents
    and friends both complain that I don't spend any time with them
    anymore because I am always with my SO. What they don't (want) to 
    understand is that when Mike wants to see me, he gets in his  car and
    drives the hour to get to my house. When my family and friends 
    want to see me, they call and say, "Dee, you NEVER come to see us
    any more,aren't we important,don't you need us, you only have room
    for MIKE now...etc,etc." (Apparently, my weekly visits and daily
    phone calls aren't enough.)
    
    What I'm trying to say (in a round about way), is that if your
    friends or family care enough, they will work WITH you to 
    maintain their relationship with you. If not, they can always put
    the blame on you and your new SO. 
    
    (My appologies if this sounds bitter, but my sister and best(?)
    friend drag me over the coals on this topic on a regular basis.)
    
    Dee
    

    Re: .4
       I'm curious, do guys get the guilt trip act from family and
       "friends" too, or is this something that only women get
       blessed with ?
    
    Dee
    

    Dee,
    You are not the only one.
    When I got married, my parents thought that I did not care about
    them because I never "came over".  I live ten minutes from them,
    why can't they "come and see US"?  They say that they love melissa,
    but they never com over.
    
    My solution?
    When ever they say things like "you never come over", I just say
    the same thing back.  They have sort of gotten the idea.  They visit
    us at least once a month now.
    
    PS.  You think that thins is good, get this, last year we spent
    all three major holidays with them.  This year, in all fairness,
    we are spending all three major with Melissa's family.
    I can't wait to see what they are going to say NOW.
    Probably things like " you are keeping our grandson from us".
    FUN, FUN, FUN.	             AL

    
    I, also, used to get the same crap from my parents. Even more since
    my daughter was born in April. They thought that they wouldn't get
    the chance to see her grow up. I got so sick of hearing that, I
    told them "It is just as far from your house to mine as it is from
    my house to yours!" They haven't brought it up since.
    
    Dan
    

    When I first started seeing my SO, I think we got a little too "caught
    up" in each other to have time for our friends.  As we settled into
    our relationship, we made an effort to spend more time with them.
    (Our 1987 New Year's resolution.)  BTW- they all *did* blame Stevie
    for my not being around, and they were right.  I think we're doing
    a lot better now than in the beginning.  I'm trying to spend more
    time at home, and trying to keep a semblance of balance to my life.
    
    My friends, got more and more understanding about my situation as
    they , one by one, got SO's of their own.  (I guess I was the first
    one from our high school crowd to start living in the "real world.")
    
    
    I must admit, I do spend most of my time with him, but he *is* my
    best friend and everything!
    
    Stacie

    What is a SO?

      SE   Spouse Equivalent!!!!
    
        REK