Conference quark::human_relations

I used to worry about whether I was getting my money's worth in therapy.
I used to ask "what are my goals" ?  "am I heading towards them" ?

Although these can be useful questions, my therapist has also pointed out
the following, which helps me alot now:

	The value of therapy the interaction itself.  The kind of time I spend
	with myself during that 50 minutes is a different kind of time than
	I give myself any other time of the week.  The value of the therapy
	comes merely from my way of talking during that hour, and my way
	of listening.


/Eric

Sounds sooo familiar!  I went to counselling for one issue and
ended up uncovering a whole bees' nest of stuff.  It took a while 
to let go and actually deal with it as I felt that if I let any of
it out then the whole lot would come flooding out.  And that's 
exactly what did happen, but, boy!, am I glad! 

At the time I didn't think my counsellor was that brilliant.  I 
would do the stuff she suggested and usually we'd end up talking 
about situations that had cropped up in the week.  I think at some 
point I took the initiative when I realized what it was I needed to
talk about.  I didn't limit myself to just dealing with stuff during 
the couselling.  I backed up the sessions by reading books on the 
kind of issues I had to deal with (which gave me ideas of things to 
bring up during sessions) and wrote down anything that came 
into my head.  My counselling was free, so I didn't consider getting
"value for money", but I think it pointed me more in the right 
direction than actually being the solution to it all.  The actual 
healing came from *me*.

The issues I had to deal with were pretty major, and prior to the 
counselling I was stuck in a kind of vicious self-defeating circle.  
I took out a lot of time for myself and focused on the things that 
I needed to come to terms with.  I worked really, really hard on it.  
I never knew I could do something so well!  And everything I've done 
since, like normal day-to-day stuff, I've done really well too.

It can seem like you are going nowhere at times though, I agree.

Anyway, hope some of that might help.  If you want to mail me, feel 
free!


Jules

>One thing I tried that _didn't_ work for me was making lists
>before I went in. I tried to cover all of the items on the 
>list and I feel I rushed myself. None of the problems 
>were really explored in depth! But, I don't want to go 
>either and have no direction. 


    	Perhaps your idea of keeping lists *isn't* a bad idea.  After all,
    your therapist takes notes (in some form) doesn't s/he?  Why wouldn't
    this be a valuable tool for you as well?  It seems to me that if you
    were to keep your own notebook and jot down things -- while you're in a
    session or elsewhere -- you can keep track of the various things that
    you'd like to address.  They might be things that you'd just like to
    think about later, on your own, as well.


    	However, if keeping lists causes you to want to get to everything
    in a single session, or at least as quickly as you can, then perhaps
    it's not a good idea.  If however you can keep the lists and shrug off
    the sense of urgency then I still think it's a good idea.


    	The other downside to lists that I just thought of is that if the
    list gets very long it can be a negative to look at all those things
    that you want to change.  Humans deal much better with smaller, more
    isolated problems.  If you can look at the list and say, "At least I
    have ideas of what I want to change in my life", to me that's a
    positive.  It all depends on how you deal with things.


    	I haven't been in therapy so I can't say for sure, but I view it as
    I view a lot of things in life:  you get out of it what you put into
    it.  You're absolutely right, you'll have good days and bad days but I
    think the most important part of the overall process is your attitude
    towards it.  With a good attitude and a willingness to *work* and
    *confront* things as they come up you'll get there.


>Any thoughts appreciated...oh, one final thing is I feel that 
>one of the issues is working on changing a part of my personality
>that is self-defeating. Any ideas on how long this might take? 


    	I think the standard answer is:  "As long as it takes."  It really
    depends on the individual and the situation.  I think you're only going
    to hurt yourself though by trying to place time limits on it, even if
    they're only generic.  Take pride in your little day to day
    accomplishments.  Don't even *think* about the long term, because if
    you do you'll likely start feeling that sense of urgency again.


    	It's a tough battle, but if you persevere you *can* win.


    	Good luck,


    Brian

>               My counselling was free, so I didn't consider getting
>"value for money", but I think it pointed me more in the right 
>direction than actually being the solution to it all.  The actual 
>healing came from *me*.


    	This is a really good point -- therapy is simply a tool, it's not a
    panacea.  *You* have to make it happen, *you* have to do the changing
    and healing.


    	(Say, who authorized you to sneak in under me anyay?  ;-))



    Brian

    Good thoughts, BROKE::BNELSON. 
    
    .3>     It's a tough battle, but if you persevere you *can* win.
    
    One thing I've learned is not to wait until I win to celebrate.  It *is* 
    a tough battle, but there are many good times and lots of fun along the 
    way too.
    
    aq
    

    re:.0
    
    More than a few people feel that therapists encourage their patients to
    discover new problems, problems which extend the amount of time they
    require with the therapist.
    
    Kinda like going to Sears for the $9.95 oil change and leaving with
    $300 in car repairs that were unnecessary.

    is there an echo in here?
    

    First off, this is the first reply I've ever made in here.
    
    But, I feel VERY strongly on this subject, so here goes.
    
    Four years ago, my X started drinking heavily, and beating me up.
    I put up with it for almost two years, and he finally went to therapy,
    and AA.  He straightened his life out, but I was still very depressed.
    
    I finally had a break-down, and ended up in the hospital.  No one could
    understand why, after all I wasn't being beaten any more, and my
    husband  was trying to make our marriage work.
    
    When I got out of the hospital, I asked for a divorce.  My parents, and
    everyone that I was ever close to abandoned me.  They said the only
    reason that I wanted a divorce was because of the depression.  I began
    to think they were right.
    
    Then I went for help.  Through the woman I went to, I found out that
    all of my problems stemmed from not seeking councelling along with
    my husband when he first stopped drinking.  AND that everyone,
    including myself, was wrong.
    
    I didn't want a divorce because I was depressed.
    
    I was depressed because I wanted a divorce.  In fact, when searching my 
    soul for the reason why, I realized that I never wanted to marry him
    to begin with.  But, that's another long story I won't get into now.
    
    Yes, getting help brought out more problems, BUT- those problems needed
    to surface in order for me to have a full understanding of myself and
    where I wanted my life to be and to go.
    
    If it weren't for that, I wouldn't be where I am today, which is very
    happy, very fullfilled, and very recently (3 months ago) re-married
    to the man of my dreams.
    
    Just my long winded opinion...
    
    BOY...what a first impression this must give.
    
    Terrie
    
    
    

Hi

It seems that the original question has been missed. "How to best work with a 
therapist?"

I have had a few sessions with a therapist through the EAP program. It was very
helpful, and I am in the process of setting up some additional sessions...other
things that came up...But what I feel the original writer is looking for is
some suggestions about working with his therapist. Some therapist therapy(Sorry)

In my limited experience I would suggest the following:
	- Find a therapist that you can relax with, Someone who you do not
	  mind having a very personal conversation with. In order to do this
	  you must not be attracted to the therapist in a physical way, you
	  should not be repulsed, or uncomfortable. You should like the person.
	  
	- Make sure that the office is comfortable for you. This means that there
	  is nothing that disturbs you. You have to feel almost at home, and be
	  able to let your feelings out.

	- I like the one of the previous notes suggestion of reading up on the
	  topic. The therapist should be able to recommend some reading, and may
	  even have papers as a part of theraputic program. Tapes and videos
	  may also be available.

	- Personally, I found that I was out of balance with respect to my 
	  exercise program, religions needs, eating, and social activities. My
	  total focus was split between extended family problems and work. Try
	  to balance your life with those things you have control over. For
	  example, take a walk, run or swim on a regular basis, eat well, do
	  something for your spirit (what ever your belief's are), and think
	  about some social activities (concert, evening out with a friend, etc.)
	  If you begin to balance those aspects that you can deal with, it will
	  help pull the other parts in to shape, especially with the therapy.

	- Remember that you probably know yourself better than anyone else. The
	  problem is that we tend not to recognize what we already know. That is
	  where the therapist can help us.

Good luck