Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    Go to a lawyer.  This has gotten past the point that some magic
    phrase will get him out.  And when he does leave, change the locks.
    
    	-John Bishop

    Don't wait for him to leave on his own, because it's not going to happen.
    Get him out of there and get your life back together.

    Listen to your friends. If he doesn't own the house and you tell
    him to leave and he refuses to go, that's trespassing, right? By all means,
    notify the police! If he causes trouble, I'd say try for a restraining
    order while you're at it.

    - Jim

    
    GET A RESTRAINING ORDER NOW !   I never heard of such selfishness
    in my life !
    
      

    You have the house in your name--GOOD FOR YOU!  I'm sure at the time it
    *felt* paranoid to do so, but it sure is a good thing you listened to
    your instincts.
    
    Now then: what I would do... announce to "Mike" in a public place with
    friends (ideally, yours *and* his) that he _will_ move out on such-and-
    such a date (a month? 2 weeks?), and if he does not, his stuff will be
    on the sidewalk the next morning and the locks will be changed in any
    case.  Of course he will plead poverty, etc., but he has had a long
    time to prepare for this; he can get a job, a storage locker, and a
    life.
     
    Make the moving date something that is doable (not "tomorrow at noon")
    but not long enough or vague enough ("6 months") so that he can weasel
    it out longer or start selling *your* stuff, or so the friends forget 
    the agreement, etc.  You don't need this guy!  Find out how the police
    can help you!
    
    Leslie  

    Re .0-
        
    >have ever seen anyone throw. It's been two years and he still isn't
    >done. He has behaved in a way that is unhealthy and unacceptable. Well
    
    	It sounds like this guy is in need of some intense therapeutic
    intervention - that's, er, IMHO. He sounds like he's pretty
    dysfunctional and just chock full of resentments over God knows what...
    probably most of which have nothing to do with you! It's pretty sad 
    to see the behavioral levels someone's diseased thinking can take them 
    down to.
    
    Tell him his behavior - around the laundry soap, the cooking bowls of
    cereal, the vacuum, along with the verbal abuse - is all unhealthy and
    unacceptable. Then *you* have to make a stand. You can do this by firmly
    stating that this behavior which you find unhealthy and unacceptable
    must change in, say, 2 months, or *you* will make a change that will put
    him out of your home and your life for good. Do this with a supportive
    friend, someone definitely on *your* side, with you at the time. 
    
    	Now, I somehow have my doubts that after *two years* of handing
    out his abuses he's going to make a change in himself in a couple
    of months. However, doing it this way does two things which will
    be to your benefit; One, it doesnt turn someone into a homicidal 
    maniac in reaction to, as may be apparent from their perception,
    "being blindsided" by being kicked out with zero notice - and Two,
    it sets a *definite time* that's probably even reasonable to him and 
    his twisted thinking. It's probably also tolerable for you to live 
    with while he manages to...find a place to live elsewhere.
    
    Should the date *you* set pass, and it's clear that he has no
    intentions of taking action either on the idea of him getting help
    for himself and/or changing his behavior - or - physically moving
    out - *then* it's time to get the authorities involved, get a lawyer
    and a restraining order.
    
    	I've been in the space three times in my life when I had to
    get someone whom I had lived with for a time, out of my living space
    becaue I was "at the end of my rope I can't take anymore". I can 
    identify with one of the worst feelings in the world; that it just
    s*cks to go *home*.
    
    	Hope this helps,
    
    	Joe 

    Call the police and start working on a restraining order NOW.
    Ask them how much notice you have to give a renter before evicting 
    him from the premises.  (Some states don't require any notice if he 
    is default in rent... which it sounds like he is).  Have the police 
    act as civil standby when he takes his things out, so as to make
    certain he isn't helping himself to things that aren't his.  
    
    The sooner this procedure is started, the less you are likely to lose 
    to him.  He sounds too selfish and self consumed, not to mention 
    abusive and self centered.  
    
    The house is yours and you have the legal right to have him evicted 
    from the property.  Be sure to get a restraining order against him.
    He sounds like the type who may want to give you a 'surprise visit'
    once he's out.  A restraining order will help to prevent that from 
    happeneing.  Also in the event that something unusual SHOULD happen
    the police will check him out more thoroughly as a likely suspect if 
    you have a restraining order placed against him.
    
    Skip

    If I were you, I'd take the end of my rope and hang him with it!  :^)
                                                                     ^^^^^
        > He has behaved in a way that is unhealthy and unacceptable. <

    You got it .....and from the sounds of it, he still is. I would
    confront him with this fact. It appears as if this guy sees you as
    a 'free ride'. He buys a new car for himself and *reluctantly*
    contributes 25% to the utility bill? - Sheesh! He is looking out for
    only himself! He appears to want all the CONTROL but none of the
    RESPONSIBILITY that goes with it.

    Why do you *let* him stay for so long? What do you get out of this
    relationship? What is the payoff for you? I toss these questions out
    as 'food for thought' - the answers are important only to you.

    If he has no money invested in the house (sounds like it) and, more
    importantly, if the deed/mortgage is in your name only, then it is
    *your* house. Don't ask him to move out; I would TELL him he is moving
    out by (insert date here). The only power he has over you is what you
    give to him. You hold all the cards. Claim your POWER! Nobody has
    the right to tell you how to run your life.

        Rick

    I don't usually "follow the crowd" but if you have the means:
    
    	- Talk to a lawyer and do whatever you can through the legal system
    	- Make sure the police know if you have any type of restraining
    	  order. There have been some nasty situations here in MA because
    	  the courts failed to notify the local police of arrest warrants.
    	- Make arrangements with a locksmith to lock him out NO MATTER
    	  WHAT ELSE you can do. Don't trust him for a second to hand over
    	  the keys. My guess is that he has already hidden a copy away
    	  "just in case". Locksmiths are expensive but not very expensive
    	  compared to the other things he could take.
    	- See if there are any local private security companies around that
    	  will keep an eye on you and your house when the you_know_what
          hits the fan.
    	- Make sure your freinds and familiy know what's going on so they can 
    	  keep an eye out for you and so that he doesn't trick them into
    	  helping him "do something".
        - And maybe even let him know how many people know what's going on
    	  so if he does *anything* he will be the first suspect. This could
    	  be a tricky one so be careful.
    	  
    	 I don't know the guy personally but I kow the type. I wouldn't
    	trust him for a second. You can't treat him gently because everytime
    	you say or do something that you think will make him leave, he will
    	escalate the situation and do you one better. You'll have to make
    	sure he get's a very loud and clear message that you want him out
    	*NOW* and if he doesn't go on his own you will have somebody carry
    	him out.
    
    	 Re: 1 or 2 back, I'm no lawyer but... I doubt the rentor/eviction 
    	laws would apply in this situation since the relationship was not 
    	kept as an arms length business relationship and it doesn't sound
    	like there is a lease. If he hasn't made any substatial contributions 
    	to the property then he has no claim to the property itself.
    
    	Good luck...
    
    	Glenn
    
    	p.s. It sure would be interesting to find out why he has an "ex"
    	     in the first place.

    Get a restraining order, call the police, and have them be there
    while he removes his belongings.  Then, change the locks,  and 
    get a nice ATTACK dog. 
    
    People like that (male/female) are unpredictable.  Play it safe.
    
    Good luck
    

    
    
    Why don't you just pack up his stuff, put it out on the lawn,
    and change the locks?  He has no right to live in your home
    unless he's got his name on legal document to occupy the 
    premises.  Boot him out and get a restraining order against
    him to keep him away from the house and your family.   

    He can only bother you IF YOU ALLOW HIM to do it. 
    
    YOU own YOUR HOUSE, YOU OWE him NOTHING! you're not married, there is
    no contract, no vows, nothing... So, it is very simple; get his
    stuff out, notify the police where his belonging is being left and
    change the locks. Do write HIM OFF YOUR LIFE! the sooner the better!
    
    There are too many nice, good people in the world to worry and
    waste your time with such a "jewel" as the one you're dealing with
    now...he should have been "on the street" and out of your life a 
    looooong time ago. 
    
    Do go to the police to protect yourself... he sounds real sick in the
    head... I just wouldn't trust him ONE BIT.
    
    Good luck. Ana
    

    
    I have to agree with the previous replies.  Don't ask him to leave -
    *tell* him he's leaving.  Life is too short to waste on someone like
    this.  If you don't want to have the police there, is there a male
    friend you could ask to come round while he moves out?  Chucking his
    things out on the street could cause a nasty scene, but if it's the
    only way of getting rid of him you'll have to resort to it.
    
    It sounds like you're being too soft on him (IMO) and he feels alot of
    power over you.  Telling you he'll leave when he feels like it show
    very little respect for you.  Be more assertive and let him know you
    mean business this time.  Don't give him two months to change - if you
    must try this tack two weeks would be quite long enough.  And make sure
    he knows that you've involved the police.
    
    If you're not naturally an assertive person the advice you're being
    given here probably seems very scary, however you'll have to take the
    bull by the horns if your life's going to get any better.
    
    Take care, and let us know how you get on.
    
    Sam
    

Thank you to everyone who replied. You helped me a great deal through
this. Some of your replies helped me to understand and also to confirm
my feelings.

The deed is done. He left yesterday. I told him last tues that if he
didn't leave by the end of the week - I would have him removed.

He left on his own. I called into work and I stayed home and helped 
him pack. This is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life.
I know it was necessary and I know it was the right thing to do.

I'm hurting now. I miss him - even though I try to remind myself of
all the things that happened. There was still some good things.
He has left the state and I know he won't be back. He called me last
night to tell me he was in PA. He wants me to move and be with him
once he gets settled and gets a job and a place. I know that I won't
ever be moving in with him. How come it's soooo hard to say good bye?