Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    Can't really say this is necessarily advice, but from expieriences in
    my own past I have to tell you this much...
    
    We all heal at our own pace, some of us take longer then others.  
    You sound like you actually WANT a serious relationship, which is good,
    BUT, realize that you will have to find someone you can be comfortable 
    with.  THat's not so easy...even if you had been raised under different 
    circumstances, it still wouldn't be so easy.  
    
    FInally, if you're experiencing doubts, then maybe, you AREN'T
    completely over the problems and should consider some additional 
    counseling.  
    
    FWIW
    Skip

    Dear Anon,
      I agree, take it slow and go and heal at your own pace.  There
    *are* caring people out there that you can trust, and I find more
    and more what works for me is to be very open and up front with
    people about my abuse.  Then they already know where my "sore
    spots" are and people who are trustworthy and care about me then
    don't hit them....people that do, well, they don't stay in my
    close circle of friends for long.
    
      I too was abused, by my father at the age of 15.  Trust is *not*
    something that comes easily to me, and it's very rare that I 
    experience total trust for someone.  There are always pieces of me
    that I hold back, safe from harm.  It's ok to do that if you need
    to.  I try to do it less and less, but again, we all go at our own
    pace, and no one can tell you what's right for you, but you.
    
      Try letting a friend in, just one, just a little closer than before.
    It starts by doing a little at a time, and you find yourself able to
    do more and more as you get stronger, and your trust is not betrayed.
    Choose wisely, someone who is apt to betray your trust early on is
    going to set you back when you are just starting to do this, but do
    try.....the rewards are just *incredible*.
    
      If you'd like to talk more, feel free to contact me, either over
    the net, or at DTN 226-6550.
    
      Take good care.
    
    bright blessings,
    -HA

    Anon,

    I also agree with the previous replies. It often takes time (as in years)
    to work through difficult issues like the abuse you describe.

    You may want to consider attending a couple of CoDA meetings to connect
    with other people who have had similar experiences while growing up.
    Notes 1122.9 and 1122.13 in this conference contain a lot of information
    about CoDA and the locations of meetings.

    Take care,

      Rick

    
    	I'm fighting a tendancy to isolate myself too right now.
    
    I fight it by realizing that my isolating is, for me, a "red flag"
    or precursor to further problems with how I feel about myself. I
    wasnt built to function well all alone or all on my own.
    
    	To combat this, I meet with others who are my peers on a regular
    basis. I make an effort to talk about how I'm feeling and what's
    up with me - even as I rationalize how "trivial" that might be for
    them to hear - whenever I attend these meetings.
    
    It's a very powerfully "moving" experience to see the nods of
    understanding coming from others who somehow identify with what
    I'm talking about and have people approach me after to say how they
    feel and/or are going through the very same stuff that I am.

    	If I were to offer "advice", I'd say find a group of your peers
    that meets regularly to talk about and share their experiences,
    their strength and hope - and attend regularly yourself. Doing so
    will immediately help with the isolation and will probably help
    with the trust issues you have with others. A good place to start
    might be by contacting Heather in .2, I bet! ;')
    
    	Joe 

    Dear Anon,
    
    I can relate to how you are feeling.  I was never sexually abused, but
    I was abandoned by my father (he was around, but I never felt loved by
    him).  Most of my life, I wanted to fall in love and be loved.  It took
    me a long time to stop feeling like that.  I also would get involved
    with someone, and then the walls would come up and I couldn't knock
    them down.
    
    I started going to therapy for ME, and I attended a few support groups
    for ME, because I wanted to get into a healthy loving relationship, and
    all the past ones were not that way.  I also stopped looking for love. 
    I started to love myself, one day at a time.  I put the focus on
    myself, not someone else, to make me feel good.  I recently found a
    wonderful guy.  I have never, ever had such a wonderful feeling about a
    person.  I have never been in a relationship where I felt so good about
    myself and I am not insecure about "what's gonna happen a month from
    now".  I am living for today.  It is a great feeling, and you will find
    it too, just be patient.  It took me 5 years to meet this man, and it
    was a struggle within myself which helped to make it happen.
    
    Good luck & you are on the right track . . . .
    
    Debby
    

>    Well, here I am in my twenties now, having had counselling and slowly
>    getting over the actual abuse.  (I dont't hate or blame myself anymore
>    etc etc) but the past 3 years have been mostly single or in some
>    fleeting relationship which I ended the moment the guy got too
>    serious or tried to get too close.


    	Such a familiar theme these days.  <Sigh>.  Two years ago my eyes
    were opened to this theme, and forever changed my life.  I met someone
    who sounds not unlike you, and when we met she thought too she was
    "over" the worst of her past and could have a healthy, full
    relationship with me.  After a few months, and various incidents, it
    soon became clear this was not the case.  We were so compatible in so
    many ways that even after I realized this I tried to wait until such
    time as she could give more.  But this just wasn't fair to either of
    us, I wanted more and she constantly felt pressured and neither of us
    was really happy.  It was one of the toughest times in my life -- to
    find somone I could *truly* be happy with if only we'd met at a
    different time.


    	I tell you this to let you know you're not alone.  Don't give up,
    it takes a *long* time and those memories may never truly "go away".
    That's a good thing to find out, that you're not alone.  Look into some
    12 step groups; one of the things my ex-girlfriend liked about them was
    knowing that she wasn't alone.  And there's much to learn from others
    experiences.


>    I feel like I'm at a dead end now.  If I'm honest I know I still need
>    more time, but I'm not sure oif I'm ever going to be able to trust
>    anyone ever.  Somethimes it seems not such a bad idea, but on the
>    other hadn, I know there's a lot I'm missing out on.  


    	Don't concentrate on what you're missing, concentrate on what
    you've GOT.  Being grateful is something she taught me.  Too often we
    get caught up in what others have and what we don't, instead of just
    being happy with what we *do* have.  Not easy, I know.  Takes practice.


>    Although I have a circle of pretty good friends I feel unable to
>    un-isolate myself.


    	Small steps are good advice.  One of the things she always used to
    tell me about were her boundaries and how she had to choose where they
    were, and I was obliged to respect them even if I didn't always
    understand them.  It took a *long* time, but eventually I did really
    understand what she meant.  Decide where your boundaries are, and then
    decide FOR YOURSELF where and when and how much to push them out, a
    little at a time.  Big victories are built on little ones.  Learning to
    have reasonable expectations of yourself is a good skill to learn,
    you'll be much happier for it.


    	Good luck,


    Brian