Conference quark::human_relations-v1

1276.0. "Mixed messages" by QUARK::MODERATOR () Thu Jun 25 1992 12:07

    The following topic has been contributed by a member of our community
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				Steve






   I'm not sure what it is that I'm trying to ask here, except maybe to
   understand why someone would lie to me like this.  A little background: 
   I had seen this man for a couple of years and then we broke off as he
   decided to go back to his wife (they were separated).  I was devastated
   to say the least and still held a torch for him.  I ran into him a couple
   of weeks ago and after he started to rub my hand I proceeded to tell him
   that I still felt for him and asked what happened between us.  Side note: 
   his marriage was not an emotional or real intimate bond (this I knew for
   sure).  So in my telling him that I never would have had a relationship
   with him if I thought their marriage  was going to go on, he proceeded to
   tell me that their relationship was more intimate now.  He also told me
   that he felt more comfortable in that relationship than with me.  (we had
   an extremly intimate and emotionally close relationship - which I always
   thought scared the heck out of him)

   When I told him I was glad that he was happy and in a more intimate
   relationship he got all strange and said that he would rather I  be angry
   than happy for him (What does that mean) and when I said  "so now you're in
   an intimate relationship" he snapped ya, said I didn't mean  it that way
   and said "yes, I am in an intimate relationship" and said it in a  very
   patronizing way.  He was almost parroting me.  Oh, and this was with alot
   of kissing on his part too, mixed throughout the conversation.  

   The thing is, is that I know that this guy and his wife broke off again 3 
   months ago and I know, as of last week, they were still not seeing each
   other.  As even though they were back together, they were not living in
   the same house. She wanted things back the way they were and he wanted to
   still see her but  keep his condo and not go back to the living together
   thing.  Now, maybe in  the last week they got back together but I know
   this guy is capable of some  real good stories.  I felt he lied.  I don't
   think there back together.   Why cant someone just tell you the truth. 
   How could someone lie and fabricate  a story like that.  I kept asking
   him to tell me the truth, I kept getting I do n't knows, than I get this. 
   I suppose that in the last week they could have got back together but he
   was completely adamant about not moving back into that house and I know
   that the reason they broke off 3 months ago is because it was an either
   or thing on her part or its over.  

   I got the impression that he was trying to diffuse my obvious interest in
   him and he lied. If I am correct, than what the heck would motivate
   someone to go those lengths.  And if that relationship was so intimate
   now, what the heck is he doing with the affection towards me, and why get
   so mad when I say I'm happy for him.  

   I guess I'm totally baffled... any input would help.  

    re:.0
    
    Sounds to me like you called that one right on the money (in the
    2nd to last paragraph of .0).
    
    If you ARE right, he did it to prevent getting involved with you.
    
    It's impossible to tell if it's just you he doesn't want to get
    involved with, or if he feels that way about everyone.

    
     It's because he wants a non-committed relationship with his X and
    you !
    
    

    Watch out for him, try not to let your feelings run away with you
    because it will only end in a downfall. Break it off totally, block him 
    out of yur mind and carry on little soldier! You will feel much better
    in the longrun once heis outof your life, and you donthave to worry
    about the hurt anymore.
    
    Good Luck!
    
    
    Lynne

    
    
    ditto .4    he wants both of you, but only a little bit of you.
             
                stay away from him, it hurts right now, but TIME really
                does heal all wounds.  You'll be fine.  Keep busy, and 
                keep your chin up.  You really don't deserve him, nobody
                does!
    
                /art

.4>                      <<< Note 1276.4 by WRKSYS::GENOVA >>>
.4>                                 -< ditto .4 >-
    
    You're agreeing with yourself...

    Be very wary of any relationship where it seems only a part of you is
    welcome......sooner or later, that is going to cause real conflicts
    and hurt feelings.....and by the time you get there, it may not be
    salvageable at all.
    
    bright blessings,
    -HA

    The following reply has been contributed by a member of our community
    who wishes to remain anonymous.  If you wish to contact the author by
    mail, please send your message to QUARK::MODERATOR, specifying the
    conference name and note number. Your message will be forwarded with
    your name attached  unless you request otherwise.

				Steve






As I sat reading this note I felt like I was in the twilight zone....
I mean I could have written that same note.  Everything about it
is identical to the situation I got myself into.

I wish that I had someone to tell me at that time to run in the
other direction.  It caused me a lot of emotional upheaval and
stress for nothing.  I did not get anything but aggravation, it
was all his way.  He did what he wanted, when he wanted.

To this day, he plays [tries to play] the same head games that
you mentioned.  It is just recently that I can realize through
therapy, the help of my family and friends that he doesn't want
a commitment - [he wants what one noter said, a non-commital part
of both], however they said it, they said it perfect!

I wasted a lot of my time and energy, when I should have been getting
on with my life.

Keep your chin up, and try to move in another direction.

    
    You may want to take a look at why you still carry a torch for this
    guy.  What is it about him that you like?  What do you want from this
    relationship?
    
    It seems obvious you don't enjoy being hurt, but you're setting
    yourself up for it.
    
    

    
    
    RE .4       Oh well I meant to say, .3, but I guess I do agree with 
                myself.  :>)   art
    

    Lose him, there are too many other decent men out there to waste any
    more time on him.